As the health care bill moves to debate on the senate floor, partisans on both sides are gearing up for what is expected to be an epic battle. The conservatives, exhorted onward to ever greater paroxysms of religious (and irreligious) indignation by Glenn Beck and his ilk, decry the very thought of doing away with the current system that has failed so miserably. Meanwhile the liberals turn every which way but loose making a perfect hash out of what should have been the easiest sell in the history of sales pitches. And who suffers? Just the millions of Americans without coverage.

However, we here at RSBS may have come up with a perfectly libertarian solution which even our friend Jonestein could be proud of. Take a look at this video and pay special attention to the chorus:



There, did you catch it? "Have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire." It's the answer to everything. What we need right now is for all the wealthy people in our country, be they entertainers, moguls, crime lords or even baseball players, to have babies by other women so they can then pay their doctor bills. It's foolproof!

I understand that some people will have a problem with this solution, especially the people who have to get the ugly girls pregnant. But the United States was built on sacrifice. Besides, that's what we have ugly guys like Vincente Padilla and Bud Selig for. And they need to get on it now. Trust me Bud, it's going to be just as bad for the girl who's stuck with you as you think it is for yourself.

Now, we could also follow the more difficult but ultimately more sustainable path described by David Goldhill recently in The Atlantic. But, let's be honest. Americans are incapable of that much patience and this idea would require a rationality that is light years beyond our elected representatives. And that's why we come back to 50 Cent. He let us know that it was all right to party like it's our birthday and now he's solving the health care problem. If only "Candy Shop" offered some sort of solution to global warming.

-A

When you have the right cards and you know you are going to win the hand, it's natural to hold out and sweeten the pot the best you can, while you can.  The concept is as ancient as it is common: supply and demand; buy low, sell high... all those stock economic catchphrases.

We see this in sports all the time -- in baseball in particular -- most notably with the high profile clients of Scott Boras. 

Sure, we were all initially excited about the Matt Holliday show in St. Louis last July; but we also knew that despite its quaint, warm appeal, it would ultimately end like this:



Naturally, our nation's elected leaders are not immune from similar Boras-like tactics. 

You want that health care reform bill to pass the senate?  Give my home state of Louisiana an extra $300 million in federal dough.  Credit Sen. Mary Landrieu with that walk-off homerun to end the game (but not the series).

Do that 59 more times (they need 60 votes to move this thing) and we're looking at an extra $17.7 trillion we need to set aside to get a multi-billion dollar plan in place. 

Or senators could just vote according to their constituents.

Now there's a thought.

Somehow, considering how much money is involved in motivating people to do... well... anything, I still feel like I must be doing something wrong. 

I am skilled.  I am intelligent.  I have good ideas and I perform well.

But I only have about $345 of liquid assets to hold me over until payday and there's a lot of beer that must be consumed before then.

I wonder if Boras would be interested in representing a linguist.

Hate me 'cuz I am willing to sell out, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

The awards are all in here at RSBS and it would be hard to find a more deserving bunch of winners. However, we have to wait to hear who Major League Baseball determined to be the most valuable players and we like a little diversion during these times. So, since it's a Saturday and since Michigan just got beat like a red-headed step-child, we turn to Celebrity Jeopardy:



SNL with Will Ferrell, the gift that keep on giving (unlike that punk, Rich Rodriguez).

Happy Saturday.

-A

With Major League Baseball and various publications handing out their end of the season awards, RSBS has decided to follow suit. Sure, our prizes may not come with any financial reward and they may not trigger any clauses in the affected players' contracts. But, it is our civic duty. So, without further ado, we present Part II of our two part Postseason Awards Show. Jeff, take it away.
__________________________________

Most Prolific Snub:
Adam Wainwright
Come now.  No Cy Young Award for the anchoring, go-getting horse of the Cardinals pitching staff?  Oh.  Okay.  Look, I get it.  Lincecum is good.  He's really good.  But in 2009, Wainwright was better.  If you don't agree with me, well, go get high, eat some Doritos and listen to Beck.


Most Alarming Faux Accusation:
That I had anything to do with the Erin Andrews peep-show tape
Ha ha ha, y'all.  Very funny.  As soon as news broke that some dude took nudey video of Ms. Andrews while she undressed in front of her hotel boudoir, my phone blew up with texts, tweets, calls and restraining orders.  It wasn't me.  I swear.  I wish it was... sorta.


Most Consistent Whiner:
Allen Krause
Oh, waa-waa-waa, the Tigers blew the season; waa-waa-waa the Lions are awful; waa-waa-waa I don't like hockey and Bill Laimbeer slept with my girlfriend.  Whatever, dude.  Be like those who used to live in Detroit and just leave it... and its sports teams.  And know that you'll never live up to Bill Laimbeer.  Don't you remember that gimp mask?



Most Laughable Pre-Season Prediction:
That the Cubs would win the World Series
Up until early August of this year, I was still hearing the precocious murmurings of this being the year for the Cubs.  Those individuals would say something in defense now but they can't because their heads are stuck deep in the sand.  Milton Bradley.  Carlos Zambrano.  Alfonso Soriano.  One has the mentality of a child.  One saves his best game for the Gatorade cooler.  One can't lay off sliders in the dirt.  Get over it.

And finally...

Most Disgusting Broadcast Catch Phrase:
Chip Caray

"FISTED!!!"



We at RSBS are at least grateful that we don't have to deal directly with Chip Caray and his fisting fetish.  Well, let me say that I am grateful.  I cannot speak for Al on this subject.

Hate me 'cuz you can, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

With Major League Baseball and various publications handing out their end of the season awards, RSBS has decided to follow suit. Sure, our prizes may not come with any financial reward and they may not trigger any clauses in the affected players' contracts. But, it is our civic duty. So, without further ado, we present Part I of our two part Postseason Awards Show. Allen, take it away.
__________________________________

Most Thunderdome worthy:
Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui
Both Damon and Matsui have been integral parts in the Yankees' dynamo but with age and injuries taking a toll, one of them will most likely have to go. Obviously, the only fair way to settle the question is to have them fight it out in the Thunderdome. Granted, the one who dies will have a seriously decreased trade value but fair is fair.

Most Valuable Player for the Minnesota Twins:
Rosangel Cabrera
Yeah, you thought it was Joe Mauer but with the Tigers holding a tenuous lead in the AL Central at the end of the season, Miguel Cabrera and his wife, Rosangel, made the alcohol-lubricated sparks fly at home. The aftermath saw Cabrera flop against the White Sox and the Twins pull even before winning the Central.

Jeff's MDP (Most Dreamy Player):
Albert Pujols
I think we've already covered this one. I just hope this comes true for you one day, buddy. You and AP would make an adorable couple and I'd be honored to stand with you at the ceremony.

Most Transformative Player:
Brad Lidge
Transformations work in both directions and after going from Mitch Williams to Mariano Rivera to Eric Gagne in the space of three seasons, you have to wonder what Lidge will become next. If he ends up on the Tigers, I'll say Trevor Hoffman. But my head says it's the Canadian-American League.

Most Amazing RSBS Writer/Person:
Jeff Lung and Allen Krause (in a surprising tie)
We decided to leave this award to our respective mothers to decide. And neither one of them could be swayed to the other side. However, I can't tell you which one they each voted for so we'll just leave that to your imagination.


Tune in tomorrow as Jeff brings us Part II of the show. Rumor has it that several Cubs players may have been nominated. Stop by and see if they finally manage to win something.

This Going Rogue business is mostly all about making money... right?

If that's the case, then great; I applaud thee, Sarah Palin.  Sell your book!  Make money!  It's the US American way!

Unfortunately, reason tells me that ex-Governor Palin has a hard time separating fantasy from reality -- that she is absolutely serious when she says she wants to play a major role in American politics -- that she isn't going away anytime soon.

While she remains silent on any possible presidential plans, one must assume that is the ultimate goal. 

And that is insane.

So too is her sheepish quip that she will run only "if people will have me."

Hmm.  Perhaps Madame Palin should start by asking the people of Alaska if they will have her after she abandoned them and her gubernatorial post midterm.  Or perhaps she should ask the people of Russia if they don't mind her looking at them from her living room.  Or perhaps she should just take the money this book and subsequent tour will generate and run, run, run... back into relative obscurity -- where she belongs.

We see this sort of thing in baseball all the time.  Players come from out of nowhere.  They shine.  They burn out.  They go away.  Some quicker than others. 

Mark Fidrych.  Pete Incaviglia.  Eric Gagne.

Remember, Sarah, remember.  Remember Eric Gagne  -- a man who spent last season with the Quebec Capitales of the independent Canadian-American League.  (Yeah, I've never heard of it either)  Here's a man who, at one time, was more than just unhittable.  He was mad, maniacal, morbid in his destruction of opposing hitters.  He recorded 84 consecutive saves for Christ's sake!  He was lights out!  He was the master of the universe!

Now, the Brewers don't even want him.

And that is sad.

Go away now, while you can, Mrs. Palin... go back to the wilderness while you still have some inkling of pride.  I will support you in that endeavor.

YOU BETCHA!

Hate me 'cuz I won't buy this book, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

As the postseason awards get handed out and as Yankees fans revel in what 1.4 billion dollars can do for you, those of us cheering for also-ran teams have to sit back and hope for better luck next year. Yep, next year could be the year when Verlander wins his Cy Young, Miguel Cabrera finally walks off with the MVP award and Jimmy Leyland and the Tigers win the Series. It's not impossible.

But even if this is just a pipe dream, it's still better than watching the Lions continue to redefine terrible, one loss at a time. We used to have the Pistons but they're just ordinary anymore. And I suppose there are the Red Wings but I am not nor have I ever been Canadian so that just doesn't do it for me.

The thing is that the Tigers have all the pieces. They're just missing that elusive something, that killer instinct that could put them over the top. You don't put that many Venezuelans on a team and not expect some sort of revolution. Expectations are about all we have these days, though.

This whole process is kind of like that old song about playing right field. You daydream about the ideal situation and everything coming together but then something wakes you up and you face the truth, the terror of a baseball hurtling your way. For me, that something is one of my favorite Twitter streams, Sh!tMyDadSays. And if you scroll down to the tweet on October 8th, you'll see what I mean. Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Hope springs eternal, though. And in case you've forgotten the song, the kid ultimately ends up making the catch out in right field. Who knows? Maybe next year the Tigers will get the good news that Justin's dad thinks they deserve. But I'm betting on god taking another dump in the parking lot.

-A

Like Halley's and Hale-Bopp, every great once in a while a comet will pass through the Kansas City Royal's universe, causing the hapless west Missouri team to be relevant, if only briefly.

Such cases have been well documented: In 1985, Don Denkinger handed the World Series Championship directly to the Royals.  Some twenty years later, Hall of Famer George Brett revealed to the world his celebratory penchant for soiling himself.

And now, in 2009, Royals ace Zack Greinke hopes to snatch the Cy Young Award from big name, big money pitchers from big markets.

When Greinke wins on Tuesday it will be an historic event.  For the first time ever in the history of the franchise, the Royals will be relevant for something other than a bunch of s***.

And that, dear readers, is called crawling out of the gutter... where they will quickly return to on Wednesday.

Hate me 'cuz I prey on the weak, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Image courtesy of Getty Images)

When an American League baseball team plays in a National League park, the pitcher bats. We don't question this, even if we are die-hard fans of the designated hitter. It's tradition and respect. Similarly, if I decide to head to Alabama or Arkansas, I know that I'm going to get weird looks if I ask for a soda or a pop. It's perfectly appropriate and so much easier to just ask for a coke and then name my flavor.

So, the question is, if so much of American culture is based on reverence for tradition and institutions, why is there such an uproar over our ultimate representative respecting those same institutions in other countries?

Now, I'll be the first to admit that it wasn't the most graceful bow ever. But, by the same token, have you ever watched an American League pitcher try to hit? Yeah, for a highly trained and highly paid athlete it sure isn't pretty. But it's part of the respect that one league pays the other in baseball.

Listen conspiracy mongers, here's how it breaks down. There's nothing wrong with being respectful of other countries and cultures. In fact, if the people planning the invasion of Iraq would have known the first thing about the culture and people in that country, we wouldn't be dealing with nearly 4,300 American lives lost and over 30,000 wounded.

Those who like to chatter in the blogosphere will continue to make a big deal of this incident and the right-wing pundits are enjoying every second of it. But if we took enough time to think about and respect the traditions of other countries as much as we respect who bats ninth in a National League ballpark, maybe this wouldn't be what the world thinks all Americans are like:



-A

Credits:
-Photo from www.newser.com

Holy maple leafs, dear readers!

On Friday I fulfilled a lifelong personal dream!

I got to meet Larry Walker!!!

Actually, that's a lie.  I didn't meet Larry Walker; but I did meet a very nice Canadian couple wandering the streets of Chicago looking for restaurant suggestions.  The man's name was Larry.  And since all Canadians look alike, I think we can assume there isn't much difference between the two.

All fooling aside, let it be known that Canadians are awesome!  Awesome as in "awe" inspiring.  They're so friendly.  They have funny accents.  And they speak French!

Larry and his wife were so excited to talk to a real life US American (me) that once they got to talkin', they started revealing all sorts of dark Canadian secrets -- information I certainly shouldn't be privy to.  Oh well.  Part of being a US American is not shying away from free enterprise.  I'm sure Larry and his wife will understand.  So here's what I learned:

There Are No Death Panels
"We do have to wait in line sometimes for our x-rays and such," said Larry, "but they certainly don't make us wait in line during life threatening circumstances.  And if you're well off like we are, you can go to your own doctor on your own time if you want.  The Canadian system of health care is great."

Terrance & Phillip Characterizations Are More Accurate Than One Would Think
"We eat a lot of the same things Americans eat," said Larry's wife, "but the lower temperatures seem to wreak havoc on our bowels.  We try to avoid Mexican food all together."

Not All Canadians Live In Igloos
"My brother still lives in one," said Larry, "but he's a moose hunter and moose hunters are... well, they're just a bit off, eh?"

Canadians Think US Americans Are Silly
"George W. Bush?  Really?  You guys voted for him... twice!" said Larry's wife.  "That's silly to us.  And you're always scared.  Fearful.  No one's going to blow up the Sears Tower.  Chicago isn't important on the world map.  That's like saying they'll blow up the Stade Olympique.  Why would anyone do that?  Yet so many of you Americans are convinced your local Wal-Mart is the next target.  Haha."

But the most satisfying thing I heard from this real-life Canadian couple was the following:

I asked them: "What do you think of when you hear the name Joe Carter?"

Larry and his wife looked at each other and said, in unison, "Touch 'em all, Joe!"

How can we not love Canadians?  Seriously.

Hate me 'cuz I get all international on you, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right: Canadians are people too.

Peace,

Jeff