Nothing says US American like a cute, dumb, South Carolinian teenager proclaiming our need to help the "education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as"... well, I mean, nothing says US American like that and fireworks.  Of course.

And boy are the fireworks a flyin'.

Satiating our drama-seeking souls, Placido Polanco provided plenty of fireworks after getting clipped in the nuts by a foul tip in last evening's 16-inning game against the Twins.  He took a long, painful breather before getting back in the batter's box and hitting the game-winning single right back up the middle.

In Cincinnati, Albert Pujols -- BASEBALL GOD INCARNATE -- made a strong case for his being walked with the bases loaded.  Instead, David Weathers (whom Albert owns) threw one right down central.  Pujols wasted no time in hitting his fourth grand slam of the season.

Still, these on the field heroics have nothing on the fireworks Sarah Palin shot off Friday by announcing her resignation as governor of the great state of Alaska.

We put our faithful RSBS interns on the beat and they discovered the following reasons behind Palin's controversial gubernatorial departure:

• Alaska is boring
• wants to move to Canada, where people actually know what a "hockey mom" is
• needs more time to combat pro-choice, but only in cases involving middle to upper class white people
  
• Todd Palin is tired of being shown up by his librarian-hot wife
• the Washington Nationals are holding tryouts and she's been working on a knuckle ball
• wants to hunt down Katie Couric, shoot her and feed her to bears
• Lorne Michaels offered her a permanent role on SNL as the new reincarnation of Dana Carvey's Church Lady (Tina Fey's position as Palin will not change)
  
• experimenting with new medical procedure that will allow her to "grow a pair"
• embarrassed she misunderstood the TransCanada Pipeline project did not involve weed
• earmarked billions to provide maps to US Americans out there in our nation who don't have maps, which will eventually aid the education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as so everyone can plainly see that the "bridge to nowhere" does go to a town with a population of 50 people, all of whom desperately need maps to find that $442 million bridge

Boom! Boom! Boom!

Happy 4th, my fellow US Americans!

Don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

Many places in the States begin their Independence Day festivities with some sort of celebration the night before. And we here at RSBS are no different. We love America and we aren't afraid to let the stars and stripes fly freely. We may not be able to supply fireworks (unless you count the sparks that fly when Jeff and I get to talking about the 2006 World Series) but we try to make up for that in other ways.

Today was extra special for us as it also saw our return to #2 on the MLBlogs leaderboard after a recent exile. And we have some surprises in store that we hope will keep y'all coming back to visit. However, for now, let me just say a happy early Fourth of July and, more importantly, America, f**k yeah!



-A

In recent weeks, much ado has been made about the ongoing interweb scuffle between bloggers and "real" journalists.  From JRod's mental wanderings on Raul Ibanez to Geoff Baker's self-serving opus dei to Hugging Harold Reynolds' public flaying of Jay Mariotti, everyone seems to be getting in on the controversy -- creating it even.

I'm sure JRod is pretty pleased, if for nothing else than for being noticed (albeit harshly).  As sports bloggers, isn't that all we really want?  To be noticed? 

Apparently, this is the best way to go.  Stir up some real crap.

So I'm gonna.

The following are very, very, very TRUE:

• Vegetarian or not, Prince Fielder is fat
• In my "fantasies", Yadier Molina and Albert Pujols always fan me with palm tree leaves from the side while I... y'know, do my thing
• The color orange is on steroids!!!!
• Rush Limbaugh is also fat... and annoying
  
• Babe Ruth was only awesome because he had to overcome and compensate for the fact that he had a girl's last name (and breasts)
  
• Barack Obama is a smoker. Deal with it, yo!
  
• Bud Selig is as good at being commissioner of baseball as the Washington Nationals are at being champions of baseball
• I spent a lot of money on Cardinals games during the summer of 1998, in awe of Mark McGwire, realizing that something fishy might be going on, but, like you, didn't care that much about it 'cuz it was friggin' awesome. Like Selig, I too, looked the other way; but I would still make a much better commissioner of baseball than he because this All-Star Game's "this time it counts" thing is absolutely ridiculous.
• Our earth is flat; gravity is just some bulls*** made up by Communists
• Manny Ramirez is Predator... and a cheater and annoying; but in a few days no one will remember that he got popped for taking a banned substance... and just in case you're wondering, no, Manny is not fat -- just big-haired.
  
  

Hate me 'cuz I'm a fire-starter, just don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

I'm a little relieved today and it's not entirely because I found out that Tito and Jermaine are still with us. In fact, it's not even just because the Tigers found a way to beat the increasingly pathetic Oakland Athletics. No, I'm relieved because I finally know why the US has fallen on such hard times.

See, up until now, I had been thinking that the sometimes insane drive to be bigger, faster and stronger had led to the economic downturn. It's kind of like how the same focus created the steroid era in baseball. But it turns out that I was wrong. In reality, the economic crisis, much like Katrina, 9/11 and probably Bud Selig, is the result of something much simpler: Our immorality.

If we could just sin a little less and elect more Republicans, this whole thing would turn around in a jiffy. At least according to Oklahoma representative Sally Kern, that is. Despite the fact that Obama was elected president in large part because of the downward spiralling economy, it turns out that when he "Refused to uphold the long held tradition of past presidents in giving recognition to our National Day of Prayer," he inadvertently set the United States on a path to economic ruin. And the only way we can turn away from this wide gate and broad way is to follow the admonitions of Ms. Kern and her cohorts.

So there you have it, dear readers. If you continue to watch HBO and use contraceptives, you have no one but yourself to blame when your 401k loses 40% of its value. And you're probably also responsible for Barry Bonds' enormous head because if you hadn't continued to buy tickets, he never would have used those PEDs. Oh, and before I forget, if you're looking to invest in some real estate, I have a bridge up in Brooklyn that you might be interested in. Let me know.

A

 

Because sometimes the world just doesn't turn in a logical direction...

Tragically, Six Shot Dead in Chicago Over the Weekend...
...Cub fans were quick to blame the absences of a healthy Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.

Guy Tells Me I Should Read His Blog About His Fantasy Baseball Team Because "It's Awesome"...
...said guy subsequently found not to have been laid since 1998.

Cardinals Make Deal to Land Mark DeRosa...
...he ain't Matt Holliday; but even Matt Holliday ain't Matt Holiday anymore.  I like this move, if for no other reason than the fact that it has caused mass hysteria for Cub fans who regret seeing him go to make room for the $30 million .232 hitting Milton Bradley.

Washington Nationals Designate Kip Wells for Assignment...
...because if Dave Duncan couldn't fix him, no one can (nor cares to)?

Coup Overthrows Honduran President Manuel Zelaya...
...thus proving that the recipe for success in South America is violence... and dictatorship... and coffee.  Lots of coffee.

Cub Fan Heard Slamming White Sox Fan By Referencing the 1919 Black Sox Scandal, Again...
...same fan responsible for blaming six shooting deaths on the absences of a healthy Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.

MLB to Launch Streaming Video of Live In-Market Padres Games...
...this AMAZING feature comes just before you realize that a) the Padres su<k b) there are so many other, more exciting things to do in San Diego like Sea World, Chargers training camp and, of course, Mexico and c) Yes, David Eckstein is that short in real life.

Clint Hurdle Settling in as Analyst on the MLB Netowrk...
...even though his makeup gives him an orangish appearance on television, we shouldn't focus on the fact that he was just fired by the Rockies, or that since his departure the Rockies have gone on a mad winning streak.  We should be watching Hurdle like we watch the ugly girl at the dance: with a bottle of Jack and a heart full of sympathy.

Republican Governor Mark Sanford Returns to the Office After Screwing Argentinian for 8 Whole Years...
...because apparently having bad taste is a prerequisite to running the state of South Carolina.

And finally...

Nick Green Doing A Great Job As Red Sox Shortstop...
...mostly because his name is not Julio Lugo.

Of course, Green would do a lot better job if he happened to be a healthy Mark Prior or Kerry Wood.

You know this.

So don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

June means two things: the heart of the blockbuster season in the nation's movie theaters and interleague play in baseball. The big studios unleash their franchise players on a ravenous public while the American and National Leagues battle for supremacy. But, despite obvious cosmetic differences, the two things are not all that different.

By the time interleague play ends and the All-Star break rolls around, a lot of teams have already fallen out of contention. Does anyone really think that Cleveland is going to make a serious run at the pennant or that the Nationals are suddenly going to put it together and ride Stephen Strasburg into the World Series? Maybe they can play spoiler towards the end of the season but after you've passed interleague play, there's not really much reason to watch them.

It's kind of like the big blockbuster movies. Transformers II might not have much of a plot. Or a script. Or real acting. But it sure looks good on the big screen. Once it's time has passed in the local cineplex, though, is there really any point to watching it? It's not going to hang around for long. It's there to make some money and get out.

And really that's where we see the greatest similarity between the two. The money. Interleague play is a huge revenue generator for Major League Baseball. Mets and Yankees. Cubs and White Sox. Kansas City and.....well, maybe not KC. But there's no doubt that MLB and the clubs are raking in the dough as a result of these matchups.

Just like the movie studios absolutely rake in the dough with their summer blockbusters. Sure, it costs a lot of money to make a new Spiderman movie but when it makes back twice as much as was spent, you can bet your *** they're going to keep going back to the well on that one.

However, there's one aspect of this whole thing that gives me some hope. Despite all the focus on the fanfare and hoopla surrounding the big releases and the marquee matchups, there are little things that slip through the cracks but go on to make all the difference. It can be a "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding" that maneuvers around between the big boys and not only plays for awhile but also manages to make a lot of money and happily surprise people. Or it can be a so-so series that ends up having a much bigger impact later in the season. Do you really think that if the Yankees were to miss the playoffs by a game or two they won't look back at that series with the Nationals and wonder what went wrong?

I guess that's just one more reason why I love both baseball and movies. No matter how cynical I might become or how much I agonize over the state of the game or the state of the industry, there are always the little things that keep me coming back. Especially when it involves the Tigers.

-A

As a born and bred resident of South Carolina, there isn't a whole lot to get excited about when it comes to baseball. The Braves suck, the Nats suck. Really, we're pretty limited when it comes to our options. But here's my question. If our governor, Mark Sanford, were a baseball team, which team would he be and why?

Francis
Charleston, SC
__________________________________________

Be not afraid, for the South Carolinian MLB plight has not gone unnoticed during the ostensibly offensive tenure of RSBS.  My sister lived there for a year and I remember her husband complaining that there wasn't much of a buzz for the game at its highest level -- that people got more excited about NCAA Gamecocks baseball than the Major League playoffs.  Look, I don't blame anyone for not wanting to follow the Braves or the Nationals, as it is obvious that neither team has the "game" nor the "co<k" (proverbial as it may be) to be a bonafide winner.

That's just the truth.

But let us focus on the crux of your question, Francis, which seems to key in on our special talent of personifying baseball entities with tangible political failures.  While this challenge may not seem as tantamount to society as our Modern Era All-Corrupt Baseball-Poltico Team, it certainly is as important in gauging the ever growing dissatisfaction of the masses and their subsequent loss of face.  Especially in South Carolina -- a red state that suffered the humiliation of a US American intent on saving the "education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and" exposed on national television -- the tragedy of Mark Sanford must be discussed in terms of its baseball counterpart:

The Chicago Cubs.

But wait!  How can I equate the Cubs with just another high profile politician caught in a sexy web of lies?  It's quite easy.  Because like Mark Sanford, the Cubs are posers.

Sure, they've sorta passed for a wholesome bunch of merry go-gettin' winners (save Zambrano, Bradley, Lilly, et al) the last couple of years, and they always look good on the surface -- good enough to convince the analysts they'll win it all and good enough to draw in a bunch of weekday party-goin' drunkards from well-to-do families who are so eager to overpay for an underperforming product that they'll even sacrifice their dignity... but in the end, let's face it: a hundred and one years is a long friggin' time.

To put it bluntly, both the Cubs and Mark Sanford indeed have that swashbuckling debonair, that charismatic sheen, that alluring promise of ultimate perfection.  They get higher and higher... and as soon as they try to take it all the way to the top...



...they fall flat on their face.

Don't hate me 'cuz I'm right.

Peace,

Jeff

The pessimist in me always begins to worry when people write good things about the teams I support. So, when I read Gordon Edes' Yahoo! Sports column earlier today, I immediately threw some salt over my shoulder, made a blood sacrifice and purchased gypsy tears to guard against the evil eye. It's nice to get some recognition and he did hit some of the right notes, pointing out the seeming flaws in the Tigers' system and why they shouldn't necessarily be in first. But then he turns around and jinxes them by also pointing out what they're doing well. It's just not right.

I've mentioned it many times before but Detroit has so little going for it that the last thing we Michiganders need is to get our hearts broken once again. We could laugh about the Lions. But the Pistons? The Red Wings? If the Tigers go into the All-Star break in first place and then slowly bleed it away over the remainder of the season, it's going to be killer.

How killer, you ask? Well, considering that Tigers fans are already jumping off buildings near the stadium despite the team being hot, it ain't going to be pretty when the collapse comes along. However, if there is one thing we do well, it's that we die hard. Did you happen to notice that line in the story about how the person fell three stories and was still texting? Yeah, that's how we roll. Unfortunately, there's still no coming back being frozen solid at the bottom of an elevator shaft, though.

-A

This is not a cheap shot.

In fact, my 1979-1988 inner-child is sobbing uncontrollably at the loss of his hero -- the late, great pop sensation, Michael Jackson.

As a young, impressionable child, I had but two passions: baseball and moonwalking.  One of them I held onto well into adulthood, the other I let go once things... well, once things got weird.

Still, I never lost my appreciation for the musical genius of the original M.J. and always hoped that one day he'd eschew complete facial and epidermal reconstruction in favor of good old US American past times like baseball, apple pie and rich white men screwing their secretaries. 

Turns out Michael did give baseball a shot...



But it didn't turn out so well.

Some people are born with a bat in their hands, some are born with a microphone.  Only one was born to be the King of Pop.

Rest in peace, Mike.

Rest in peace,

Jeff

There are home runs and then there are home runs. When a guy like Ryan Howard hits one off the sweet spot, chances are it's going to travel a longs ways. However, when someone like Scott Podsednik gets one out of the park, you assume that there must have been a strong gust of wind somewhere around the end of its ride.

Similarly, there are drugs and then there are drugs. Now I don't want to say that some drugs are all right because it's true that most have some sort of side effect. But even implying that PED's and a drug like marijuana have the same kind of effect on sports and the players or that they should be punished the same way is pretty ignorant.

That's why I'm curious about this Geovany Soto admission. I don't think it's any secret that a lot of professional athletes enjoy a little visit with Steve Green every now and again and it has become even more prevalent and less stigmatized among the younger generation. But, MLB under Bud Selig has often shown a tin ear when it comes to these sorts of things. Their response to Soto's test will show a lot about what direction they plan to head.

If it was up to me, I'd hand out the minimum. A slap on the wrist, some drug counseling or something along those lines. But you never know when and where reefer madness is going to strike and my guess is that they'll come down disproportionately hard on Soto after screwing the pooch with the PED debacle. Hopefully they'll see it my way but if it turns out that Soto is also growing a little on the side, maybe even mixed in with the ivy in the outfield, well, then all bets are off.

-A