All this American League Tiger, Yankees, Red Sox talk has left many of you feeling under served. I feel your pain. So let me digress on to something that is more factual than speculative: the absolute embarrassment of a ballclub known as the Cubs.
Being a Cardinal fan in Chicago is not easy. Luckily, I live on the Southside, surrounded by fellow, like-minded Champions who know what it feels like to win a World Series this decade. Our hearts and souls are aligned with victory and yes, we share a common enemy:
Of course, it would be too easy for me to start ripping the Cubs before the season even starts. Instead, I’d like to share some good news with all of you Cub fans out there. So let me start with the very best news: Ryan Dempster guaranteed you a World Series championship this year! He followed that by moving faster than a locomotive, leaping tall buildings in a single bound and sticking his foot in his gargantuan mouth. I think responsible athletes usually tend to keep their mouths shut when it comes to making colossal statements of absolute assurance. Keyword: responsible.
Oh, but wait, there’s definitely more good news in Cubs camp: Aramis Ramirez really enjoys cockfighting! Yeah, he really does. In fact, he said he’s passionate about it. He loves it. He’s been active in this archaic act of animal cruelty for a long time in his native Domincan Republic. Oh, but don’t worry, Cub fans, he’s not going to be in any trouble. No, I mean, he’s no Michael Vick or anything like that. You see, it’s okay because it’s legal to stage cockfights in the Domincan…and so is kidnapping, corruption and blackmail. It’s all good. Nothing to be worried about. Nothing at all.
But that’s not all, Cub fans! No, there’s much more to be excited about! Mark Prior is gone! That means you only have one excuse for why you don’t win a championship this year and his name is Kerry Wood. For years, all I’ve heard about is Prior & Wood, Prior & Wood, if only Prior & Wood were healthy we’d win it all blah blah blah. Well, now the only one you have to get healthy is Wood and so far so good! Of course, the season hasn’t started yet, and we all know how well he can get through a whole 162 game season, even out of the bullpen, so yeah, good luck with that. (for more info on how well Prior will do now that he’s out of Wrigleyville, check out Bold & Bolder, #1.)
And I’m not done delivering the good news, Cub fans. Yes, there’s more and you’ll be super happy about this: You can still drink at Wrigley Field! Yes! Everyone knows how well behaved Cub fans are while taking in an afternoon with their favorite drink and favorite team, especially those upright citizens in the bleacher seats. So despite a major movement to ban alcohol at the stadium, fear not, for the good times will continue. For an exclusive look at mentioned good times watch this Youtube video to see just how mild mannered the Wrigley faithful can be. Awesome!
So, as you see, Cub fans, things are looking up on the Northside. Of course, I could throw in some cheap shots to bring you down but I would never even think of doing that. For example, I wouldn’t remind everyone that there is that goat curse thing that’s been dawdling on since the 40s. No. And I couldn’t even think about mentioning that bland sense of apathy that lingers over the hot, stale Wrigley crowd on summer afternoons where there just happens to be a ballgame going on that, believe it or not, often interferes with the whole drinking vibe. And I guess I wouldn’t even dare bring up the fact that this will be the 100th consecutive year without winning a championship. And, no, you don’t have to worry about me reminding you about all the great player moves your team is famous for, like trading Brock for Broglio or letting Greg Maddux go or Lee Smith or Dennis Eckersely or any number of the myriad talents that became big stars elsewhere. No, I won’t bring up any of that but I will say that I am quite sure Jacque Jones will be considered one of those stars now that no one will be using his head for target practice in right field.
It’s true, Cub fans. It’s going to be a great year. Can you feel the excitement? You have a lot to look forward to, including seeing me standing tall and proud in your stadium with the Birds on the Bat this summer. Don’t worry, I’ll have two beers in my hands too. It’s gonna be awesome.
And the most awesome part of the whole season will be hearing the quiver of fear in Ron Santo’s voice as he tries to pronounce Fukudome without seriously offending the entire Chicagoland area.
I can’t wait for that.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.