The Filibuster

Tommy LaSorda is fat.  I mean really fat.  So is John Kruk.  Which current
ballplayer or manager is most likely to become grotesquely obese like
these two men?

–Allen

                                                                                        

Due to the recent developments and growing notoriety of Red State Blue State, it is certainly arguable that I may have lost any sense of humility I once had.  My attorney has advised me to remain silent on this issue, so I will; however, I cannot stop myself from pointing out the increasingly shallow nature of my colleague, Allen Krause.  After much deliberation, my agent has advised me to go ahead and tackle this insensitive inquiry despite the possible repercussions because “there is no such thing as bad press.”

So, Al, my aura and I will now address your lowbrow turn from inquisitive, thought-provoking debate:

lasordasleeps.jpgYeah, Lasorda is overweight.  Kruk is overweight.  A slew of baseball folks easily fit into that dangerous weight category.  But you know what?  That’s just one of the many reasons why I enjoy the game of baseball more than any other sport.

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for johnkruk.jpgHow many competitive sports do you know where a 300 pound man without muscle tone toting around a big, paunch beer belly can be considered a real athlete?  Sure, the NFL has 300+ pound men all over the field, but those guys work out and look good (for the most part).  Meanhwile, big slobby-lookin’ dudes like David Wells, Bobby Jenks and David Weathers thrive as dominant athletes… well, Wells (used to) and Jenks (does) anyway.

I find it quite satisfying seeing an everyday-lookin’ joe like Jenks or Kruk achieve all that success with such a corpulent physique.  It reminds me that baseball is a game that anyone can play — fat guys included — so it creates the illusion that even I, a 29 year old, 5’8, 155 lb. Mandarin-speaking white guy with a 48 mph fastball and a slider that always hangs, could possibly make it to the Big Leagues.  Okay, maybe I’m totally wrong on that… but you get my point.

Of course, this isn’t what Mr. Krause wants to hear.  What he is really asking is which current manager/player is most likely to be the face of NutriSystem, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig. 

My response? 

That is the dumbest question I have ever heard, Al, and you should be ashamed for taking up such precious MLBlog space by asking it.  The 2008 season has begun, your team stinks, my team is in first place, the Jason Grilli ERA Watch has dipped considerably (8.44 at the time of this publication), the Diamondbacks are the best team in baseball, the Sawx v. Evil Empire series is in full-force and all you can muster out of that skinny little head of yours is ‘who will be the fattest person in baseball?’

goreangryatal.jpgShame on you.

I see what you’re trying to do: you’re trying to paint me into a corner, force me to make a fool of myself and talk about something else so we will be distracted from the atrocities of the Tigers and your point of view.  Mr. Krause, I will not subject our readers to such shallow diatribes. 

But I will post some pictures of my favorite plus-size ballplayers, past and present:

bobbyjenks.jpgterrypendleton.jpg

baberuth.jpg

tonygwynnHOF.jpgdavidwells.JPGbigpapi.jpg

alfonseca.jpgrayking.jpgfernandovalenzuela.jpg

So there you have it.  9 of my favorite players with above average appetites.  All this writing about it is making me hungry.  I think I’ll just have an apple.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

5 Comments

Jeff and Allen, I will be so bold as to call out who I feel will be a sure thing for induction into the future baseball obesity club. Cecil Fielder was the poster child for obesity and baseball. I feel that his son, Prince Fielder, although he has a dislike for his father among all others, will follow in his father’s footsteps. Prince has made an attempt to keep the weight off by becoming a vegetarian. However, as his power numbers fall (which they already have: 0 HRs, 6 RBIs, .244 BA through 41 ABs and 11 games), so to will his hunger for veggie burgers, sprouts and seaweed. Prince will succomb to the temptation of a nice juicy porterhouse and in doing so, will seal his fate as a big time fatty after retirement.

I have quite a list of soccer players who will become fat but I suspect that’s of limited interest. From the D-Backs I nominate Brandon Webb, and I’m going to take a long shot on Mark Reynolds.

http://arizonaviaslough.blogspot.com/

Tim — I feel awful that I left both Fielders out of the equation. I just have such a man-crush on guys like Ray King and Fernando Valenzuela that I was blinded by allegiance.

Russell — Brandon Webb will surely be in that category. Give him another few years and we’ll be comparing him to David Wells and David Weathers. (Gee, I really hope not)

–Jeff

This explains how Alfonseca got ejected in 2003 for bumping an umpire with his stomach. Seems unavoidable really.
.

http://diamondhacks.blogspot.com/

“I’m not fat, I’m big boned, dammit”
– Eric Cartman

Michael Norton
Some Clubhouse

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