Pipedreams

Ah, yes, we humans can be quite the dreamers sometimes.  I know I can.  I won’t tell you about my most recent dream (believe me, you’d thank me if you could) but I would like to take the time to call out others on their misconstrued fantasies regarding the happenings in the world.  On this day in particular — as is usually the case — there is no shortage of ridiculous thoughts, imaginations and pipedreams circulating the baseball-politico world.

Thankfully, these make-believe ideas have not breached the walls of my psyche.  It hasn’t been easy staving off the onslaught of fans seeking a glimpse of glory, but I’m proud to say that, for this night, I’ve evaded the paparazzi, locked the doors and shut all the windows.  I am safe.  And as a stand-up man who speaks for intelligent US Americans around the globe, let me begin by saying that it is a complete pipedream that…

The MLB All-Star Game Is Anything But a Popularity Contest
I know, I know… same story, different year.  Seriously though?  If “this time it counts” continues to be the theme, the goal, the prize, then why leave it up to a bunch of numbnuts (the American Public — yeah, I said it; they voted for Dubya twice) to decide who should start this pivotal game?  How do we do it?  Here’s how: don’t let Yankees and Red Sox fans vote.  And Florida — the entire state of Florida should not be able to vote… just for fun and because they kind of deserve that punishment.  If I’m Terry Francona, and I have even a remote chance of managing in the World Series, I want Jermaine Dye on my team.

It is also an absolute pipedream that…

John McCain Could Balance the Budget By the End of His First Term
This is actually two pipedreams: 1) that he could indeed balance the budget and 2) that he would ever have a first term.  Here’s the thing, how are we US Americans supposed to believe we could balance the budget by pouring more money, more resources, more troops into Iraq for another 100 years?  We’ve already spent over 500 billion dollars in Iraq since 2002 and lost over 4,000 service men and women.  How high will that number go over the next 100 years?  And how would we do it when Maliki & Co. want us OUT!?!

Speaking of lunacy, it is also a complete pipedream that…

Rich Harden Will Bring the Cubs a World Series Championship
I know you guys want to believe it.  I know you do.  You won’t shut up about it.  You pretend that the Cardinals aren’t right on your tails.  You pretend the Southsiders don’t exist.  You actually believe that “this is your year”.  Well, it ain’t.  And this so-called blockbluster trade proves it.  Let me tell ya something: Billy Beane doesn’t trade away a guy unless there’s something wrong with him (see Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson, Barry Zito).  There’s something wrong with Harden.  I don’t know what it is yet; but I will.  I hear that there is a very strong possibility that it involves a goat.

So yeah… it is also an absolute pipedream that…

Obamacons Actually Exist

Like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and a sober Amy Winehouse, these dreamed-up conservative supporters of Barack Obama aren’t realHallmark is busy making up a holiday for them to star in. 

Yes.  It’s true.  And it is also a complete pipedream that…

Alex Rodriquez Will Ever Stay Out of the Tabloids
He’s the best there is at what he does.  He’s good looking.  He’s into Kabbalah.  That’s really all I have to say about that.  This is just an excuse to post his picture.  I don’t know if you, dear reader, are aware, but RSBS has quite a diverse following: whites, blacks, men, women, Chinese, Japanese and yes, even gays.  In fact, I have been pestered by the homosexual community to post more pictures of A-Rod and other cute guys.  So here you go, fellas:

Arod_headshot.jpgjohn_garland.jpgAnkiel_headshot.jpgEllsbury_headshot.jpgDye_headshot.jpgAnd so it goes that it is also an absolute pipedream that…

Barack Obama Is a Flip-Flopper
Just not true.  I know, I know… the Republicans have used this strategy before with much success (see John Kerry, Al Gore) so it makes perfect sense why they would pull it out again; however, this is Barack Obama we’re talking about here.  It has been his position since the beginning of the campaign to begin a controlled withdrawal of combat brigades in Iraq.  To all you flip-flop-mongering hope-squashing old-hat-wearing Republicans, here’s a great big RSBS EAT IT!

While you’re eating it, please know that it is also an absolute pipedream that…

Kosuke Fukodome Should Be a Starter In the All-Star Game
Soto?  Yes.  Soriano?  Yeah, sure.  Fine.  Fukudome?  No.  And here’s why: his line isn’t nearly as good as those who got snubbed completely.  Compare his line against those of Corey Hart, Rick Ankiel, Aaron Rowand.  I find it very ironic that a fan base that used racial slurs and stereotypes to “welcome” their foreign star stumped the voting booths to make him a starter.  So is the way of the Cub fan…

And let me tell ya, it is
also a complete pipedream that…

Anyone Will Care About What John McCain Has to Say at the Republican Convention When the ‘Skins Battle the Giants in an Exciting NFL Opening Night Showdown!
Are you ready for some football?!?

And if that doesn’t get you excited, let me inform you that it’s also a complete pipedream that…

This Randy Johnson Destroying a Bird with a Baseball Video Will Ever Get Old

And really folks, I know it’s an absolute pipedream that…

jeff lung 4th of july 1.jpgI’m Anywhere Close to Being Angelic
However, pictures don’t lie and this random shot taken of me in the wee hours of the July 4th morning clearly shows illuminated wings protruding from my back.  Say what you will about it, but I’m pretty convinced that I have the whole Michael Landon Highway To Heaven thing goin’ on here.

By the way, the tough guy in the lower left is my Turkish bodyguard Omar; so don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right or I’ll tell him where you live.

Peace,

Jeffy

3 Comments

The Randy Johnson clip is amazing! You’re smart Jeff. Compute the odds of that ever happening again.

In regards to a military withdrawal, I think that would be great. However, if you pull us out of the Middle East, I have a sneaking suspicion we will simply move to Africa. That is what the “World Police” do. Then, I will have to learn French, Jeff. French!!! Unlike you, I can only learn 1 language at a time. Once again, you’re smart Jeff, not me.

And finally, you are nowhere near the angel caliber of Michael Landon or his feathered hair (reminiscent of Dwight Goodman in “Dodgeball”). I would put you in with John Travolta’s version of an angel in the movie “Michael”. You might be able to pull that off. Cigarettes, Liquor, Sex, occasionally bring someone back to life….you know, the basics.

Oh, and by the way, the sCrUBS suck!

Cubs got Harden
Brewers got CC
Cardinals get Wainright, Mulder, Clement, Carpenter off injured list.

I think we will be alright. If only we could trade Duncan and someone else to the American leage for an upgrade at SS or 2B…

Thanks for the words/advice, Tim. The Cards are going to go out and get Matt Holliday. I just have a feeling. And since you mentioned stellar pitching, how about Pineiro last night, eh? Got out of that early jam and WHAM! That’s a winner!

–Jeff

Definitely not angel wings I think you got to close to the camp fire, broke wind and lit up the place. Proving that all of your hot air can be harnessed and used for the good of mankind. Now DON’T HATE ME CAUSE I’M RIGHT

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