“I Guess I’d Go No Periods”

CC_sabathia.jpgYes, dear readers, the pitcher formerly known as C.C. Sabathia is now to be known only as CC Sabathia, which is really just the same name sans those pesky little periods — the same things my sisters have been whining and complaining about for years.

Look, C.C. — er, I mean, CC, I get it… all those punctuating periods, dots, bumps in the road… they get in the way.  They put a damper on things.  I feel your pain.  But if you’re going to all of the sudden change the way your name is presented in print worldwide couldn’t you be a little more emphatic about it than simply saying:

“I guess I’d go no periods.”

That doesn’t sound like you mean it, C.C.  And because you don’t sound like you mean it, I’m not changing a damn thing.  You will forever be C.C. to me — with periods.  Consider me cramping your style, Mr. Sabathia.  (That was a big friggin’ cheesy pun and I take complete ownership of that).

*Note to the uneducated: periods are necessary to indicate stopping points. 

When I look at CC, what do I see?  Two consonants begging for a vowel.  Take heej and beej for example.  Without a period between HJ and BJ, you get a couple of awfully funny sounding euphemisms for things I don’t want my mother to know about.  Do you see, C.C.?  Do you see what you’re doing?

What would E.E. Cummings be without periods?  Eeeeeeeeeeeeee.  Gross.

When the news first broke a couple of days ago, I chuckled away the thought that people would actually pay attention to this minor detail of an otherwise blockbuster of a story (the trade between the Indians and the Brewers).  Why did it matter?  Why did Sabathia wait until leaving Cleveland to make this monumental name change?  Honestly, I thought this would just disappear into a series of tubes

Alas, no!  Dear reader, we live in tumultuously technocratic times and I’m here to tell you that an hour after the story broke, even the mighty Wikipedia had fallen under C.C.’s spell. 

But I am no dummy.  The older I get, the wiser I become.  Today I am able to admit my shortcomings and tell of a time when my cavalier spirit got the best of me: having fallen a slave to the many conjurations of my own aura, I legally changed my name from “Jeff” to “Jefff” fanatically crying out to the world that the last “F” was indeed silent.

No one got it.

And in what I thought was an enchantingly austere state of dignity and self-worth brought on by my my bold name change alone, I ran myself directly into the ground until one day I woke up under a Las Vegas overpass with no shirt on, covered in unidentifiable cuts and bruises, reeking of Tanqueray, vomit and Marlboro Lights, my possessions consisting of two dimes, a nickel and three pennies.

So, take it from me, stick with C.C., C.C.

And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

7 Comments

We call them “full stops” in England (the punctuation not the menstruation).

We call them “full stops” in England (the punctuation not the menstruation).

http://arizonaviaslough.blogspot.com/

That aura around you is reminicent of Charlie Murphy seeing an aura around Rick James. You are almost Rick James caliber with your MLB blog. Almost.

Russell — then what do the English do when they come to a stop sign?

Tim — I have better hair than Rick!

–Jeff

I thought I spelled your name strange enough already, don’t throw this silent F thing on me. I’m too old and will never be able to handle that change

Don’t worry, Baba. This happened a long time ago. I am now the MLBlogger formerly known as Jeff, then Jefff, then Jeff again. You can call me Master, Baba.

Master

I’m leaving the periods in and I don’t care about the consequences.
First the Collector (http://www.geocities.com/marvel_villains/collector/collector.html) returns Matt from parts unknown to fight evil and now Russell’s back; who’s next? What happened? Was there a staff mutiny that’s been quelled?
http://paullebowitz.mlblogs.com/

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 66 other followers

%d bloggers like this: