July 2008
Pipedreams
Ah, yes, we humans can be quite the dreamers sometimes. I know I can. I won’t tell you about my most recent dream (believe me, you’d thank me if you could) but I would like to take the time to call out others on their misconstrued fantasies regarding the happenings in the world. On this day in particular — as is usually the case — there is no shortage of ridiculous thoughts, imaginations and pipedreams circulating the baseball-politico world.
Thankfully, these make-believe ideas have not breached the walls of my psyche. It hasn’t been easy staving off the onslaught of fans seeking a glimpse of glory, but I’m proud to say that, for this night, I’ve evaded the paparazzi, locked the doors and shut all the windows. I am safe. And as a stand-up man who speaks for intelligent US Americans around the globe, let me begin by saying that it is a complete pipedream that…
The MLB All-Star Game Is Anything But a Popularity Contest
I know, I know… same story, different year. Seriously though? If “this time it counts” continues to be the theme, the goal, the prize, then why leave it up to a bunch of numbnuts (the American Public — yeah, I said it; they voted for Dubya twice) to decide who should start this pivotal game? How do we do it? Here’s how: don’t let Yankees and Red Sox fans vote. And Florida — the entire state of Florida should not be able to vote… just for fun and because they kind of deserve that punishment. If I’m Terry Francona, and I have even a remote chance of managing in the World Series, I want Jermaine Dye on my team.
It is also an absolute pipedream that…
John McCain Could Balance the Budget By the End of His First Term
This is actually two pipedreams: 1) that he could indeed balance the budget and 2) that he would ever have a first term. Here’s the thing, how are we US Americans supposed to believe we could balance the budget by pouring more money, more resources, more troops into Iraq for another 100 years? We’ve already spent over 500 billion dollars in Iraq since 2002 and lost over 4,000 service men and women. How high will that number go over the next 100 years? And how would we do it when Maliki & Co. want us OUT!?!
Speaking of lunacy, it is also a complete pipedream that…
Rich Harden Will Bring the Cubs a World Series Championship
I know you guys want to believe it. I know you do. You won’t shut up about it. You pretend that the Cardinals aren’t right on your tails. You pretend the Southsiders don’t exist. You actually believe that “this is your year”. Well, it ain’t. And this so-called blockbluster trade proves it. Let me tell ya something: Billy Beane doesn’t trade away a guy unless there’s something wrong with him (see Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson, Barry Zito). There’s something wrong with Harden. I don’t know what it is yet; but I will. I hear that there is a very strong possibility that it involves a goat.
So yeah… it is also an absolute pipedream that…
Obamacons Actually Exist
Like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and a sober Amy Winehouse, these dreamed-up conservative supporters of Barack Obama aren’t real. Hallmark is busy making up a holiday for them to star in.
Yes. It’s true. And it is also a complete pipedream that…
Alex Rodriquez Will Ever Stay Out of the Tabloids
He’s the best there is at what he does. He’s good looking. He’s into Kabbalah. That’s really all I have to say about that. This is just an excuse to post his picture. I don’t know if you, dear reader, are aware, but RSBS has quite a diverse following: whites, blacks, men, women, Chinese, Japanese and yes, even gays. In fact, I have been pestered by the homosexual community to post more pictures of A-Rod and other cute guys. So here you go, fellas:
And so it goes that it is also an absolute pipedream that…
Barack Obama Is a Flip-Flopper
Just not true. I know, I know… the Republicans have used this strategy before with much success (see John Kerry, Al Gore) so it makes perfect sense why they would pull it out again; however, this is Barack Obama we’re talking about here. It has been his position since the beginning of the campaign to begin a controlled withdrawal of combat brigades in Iraq. To all you flip-flop-mongering hope-squashing old-hat-wearing Republicans, here’s a great big RSBS EAT IT!
While you’re eating it, please know that it is also an absolute pipedream that…
Kosuke Fukodome Should Be a Starter In the All-Star Game
Soto? Yes. Soriano? Yeah, sure. Fine. Fukudome? No. And here’s why: his line isn’t nearly as good as those who got snubbed completely. Compare his line against those of Corey Hart, Rick Ankiel, Aaron Rowand. I find it very ironic that a fan base that used racial slurs and stereotypes to “welcome” their foreign star stumped the voting booths to make him a starter. So is the way of the Cub fan…
And let me tell ya, it is
also a complete pipedream that…
Anyone Will Care About What John McCain Has to Say at the Republican Convention When the ‘Skins Battle the Giants in an Exciting NFL Opening Night Showdown!
Are you ready for some football?!?
And if that doesn’t get you excited, let me inform you that it’s also a complete pipedream that…
This Randy Johnson Destroying a Bird with a Baseball Video Will Ever Get Old
And really folks, I know it’s an absolute pipedream that…
I’m Anywhere Close to Being Angelic
However, pictures don’t lie and this random shot taken of me in the wee hours of the July 4th morning clearly shows illuminated wings protruding from my back. Say what you will about it, but I’m pretty convinced that I have the whole Michael Landon Highway To Heaven thing goin’ on here.
By the way, the tough guy in the lower left is my Turkish bodyguard Omar; so don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right or I’ll tell him where you live.
Peace,
Jeffy
Number Five!
MLBlogosphere came out with their latest power rankings featuring the top ten most popular blogs from MLB.com. On behalf of everyone here at RSBS (myself included along with just Allen), I would like to thank the fans, the lawyers, the paparazzi, and all five members of NKOTB for their undying support and unfathomable loyalty to the staunch wordy baseball-politico diatribes presented here. With the help of a seriously disenfranchised Brit, you US Americans have put Red State Blue State over the hump and made us the fifth most popular fan blog in all of MLB.comLand!
While we’re happy to be honored so, we were hoping you, dear reader, could pick up the slack a little and make us number one. I mean, what is fifth place really? The fourth loser?
If we have to, Allen has agreed to sell his body (frail and pasty as it is) to anyone who can generate hits on our site at nothing less than light speed. I would provide the sedatives to any willing participant as well as a package deal including up to at least three years of therapy.
In the meantime, I guess number five ain’t so bad. If it’s good enough for A.P., it’s good enough for me. And A.P.’s pretty damn good…
In recognizing this and celebrating the fact that bipartisan blogging can actually turn out a modicum of success, I leave you, dear readers, with the gift of a fascinating video that I have yet to understand. Since the last post was about injuries and their affects on the game, I thought this might be a fitting tribute to staying healthy — on and off the field, computer, wherever you might spend your time… for me that would be in a bar.
Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeffy
http://widgets.clearspring.com/o/486957c54c88e2fc/48719e9dff19588a/4871700e285e5e1a/43d31059
The Filibuster
At the midway point in the season, it seems like every week we hear
about another marquee name that has landed on the DL. Which of these
injuries will turn out to be most significant to their team and who do
you think will go down next?
– Allen
Okay, Al. I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to sound smart again — like you actually know what you’re talking about. That’s fine. Let me remind you that Red State Blue State is read by many an intelligent person (and some not so intelligent – see urinal diving at Wrigley). This means that every once in a while you have to try a little harder, go the extra proverbial mile or dare I say: write something.
Now that that is off my chest, I will indulge you with an answer…
People get hurt. It’s part of the game. You know this. The better teams rise above injuries and continue to play well despite the setbacks. The Red Sox have been doing this without David Ortiz. The Cardinals have been doing this without Chris Carpenter. The Cubs have been doing this without Alfonso Soriano. Obviously, having a star player out with an injury cannot help any team; but I think it’s safe to say that all the teams that are in contention will not be devastated by an injury of one person alone, at least, not yet as we’re only halfway there.
Will the Mariners suffer without J.J. Putz? Maybe. But guess what, they’ve been suffering all season long, so life without Putz can’t be much worse than life with him. Will the Indians have difficulties without Victor Martinez in the lineup? Perhaps. But once again, the Indians have been su<king with Martinez, so losing him won’t make them much worse. In some cases, an injured player is better than a healthy one. Take the Tigers’ Dontrelle Willis for example. The guy is worth much more to his team hurt (and out of the lineup) since when healthy he wasn’t able to find the strike zone with Google Maps and a Smart Bomb. Willis was hurting the Tigers every fifth day by walking 5, 6, 7, 8 guys a game!
My question is this: at this point, who really cares if the Mariners, Indians, Tigers, Pirates ad nauseum do suffer “key” injuries? None of these teams have a shot at contention in the first place, so it shouldn’t be that big of an issue.
The better teams are good with their stars. The best teams survive without them.
…who do you think will go down next?
In this particular case, Al, it’s not just one person who is “going down” next; it’s an entire people and their dreams. I realize that the suburbanites of Detroit are just now waking up from their Hockeytown heroics — hung over and cotton-mouthed — realizing that their baseball team is still an absolute joke. Sure, they had a good stretch there a couple weeks ago, but the standings don’t lie and they have so far to go now that it just seems too daunting a task. And all those injuries… whoo wee. How on earth could they ever come back from that?
They won’t.
I’m here to tell you that they won’t, folks.
Make plans for October, Tiger fans, ‘cuz you’re going to have a lot of free time.
In fact, why don’t you just settle down for another painful football season full of Matt Millen, Matt Millen and Matt Millen.
Of course, humble MLBlogger that I am, I must admit that I’m writing this drunk with sorrow from the ill-fated weekend had by Cardinal fans worldwide. I’m sitting here watching my inbox blow up with what I’m sure are rampant evil expletives from the equally drunk (with alcohol) Cub fan base that can’t seem to leave me alone. As I attempt to mend my feelings and my dopamine levels, I promise more will follow soon. I lost a bet or two that will surely embarrass me tomorrow and I’m sure you’ll all want to revel in that.
In the meantime, do me a favor and don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeffy
Something We Can All Appreciate
The world is full of enough hate, folks. Cubs/Sox. Cubs/Cards. Elephants/Donkeys. Red States/Blue States.
It’s true. I’ve endured enough.
So I’m getting out of town.
As we US Americans celebrate our independence from the evil Brits and the Cubs go to Busch to get a tush-kickin’ from the Cardinals, I’m going to an absolutely neutral site: Michigan.
There may not be a television there in the backwoods of Sister Lake, but I will be up-to-date on all the homeruns, RBIs and stolen bases. While I’m sitting back getting sunburned on a boat with a Miller Lite in my hand, I’m sure my house will be firedbombed, but hey, that’s what insurance companies are for, right?
At least there’s something that we can all (Cub fans and Cardinal fans alike) agree on and that is that this video captures the essence of what makes baseball the most beautiful game on the face of the earth.
Enjoy… and don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeffy
Skeletal Heroics
There’s a buzz down here on the Southside of Chicago and it’s about a man by the name of Ramirezzzzzzzz. No, not that Ramirez (we civilized US Americans don’t support inhumane c0ckfight wranglers), I’m talking about Alexei Ramirez — the most influential skeleton playing second base in the Majors right now.
I think it’s safe to say that Kenny Williams — genius as he is — had no idea that things would quite work out this way. He re-signed Juan Uribe, then traded for Orlando Cabrera and moved Uribe to second base to make room. Uribe went down with an injury and Ramirez (aka The Living, Eating, Breathing, Hitting Skeleton) took over.
Uribe’s healthy now — healthy on the bench. And as long as Alexei keeps on doin’ what he’s doin’, that’s exactly where Uribe (aka Fat ^ss) will stay.
It’s true. Ramirez has lifted not only the spirits of Southsiders the world over, he’s lifted the team and lifted the W’s. With his game-tying homerun on Tuesday night, he proved that his previous five dingers weren’t all just flukes; he proved that a skin-and-bones scrapster from the slums of Cuba could actually swing for the fences and he did it in dramatic style.
But to look at the guy it’s hard not to ask yourself, “Really?”
He makes David Eckstein look like Barry Bonds.
Not since Manute Bol has a human skeleton demanded so much attention within professional sports. See if you can see the similarities:
My biggest fear isn’t that Ramirez will suddenly lose his flare for the dramatic or his step on a two-hopper or his penchant for a good eye. No. My biggest fear is that Juan Uribe will eat him.
Rumor is Uribe has been put on the Prince Fielder diet so as not to devour his teammates. I just hope it works.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeffy
**ON A SIDE NOTE… Please visit the Prince of New York and sound off on why his latest experience with The Man is downright unjust. There are very few blogs that I read every single day of the week. His is one of those few. The guy knows what he’s talking about and he provides the information, research, numbers to back it up. His book is well-written, insightful and pertinent (also a great big help to fantasynerds like myself). Deleting comments on blogs is a crime. Unless a comment is so blatantly racist/vulgar that it can’t be left up for reasons that are otherwise outlined by the FCC, a real blogger who cares about what he/she does would not delete a comment. Neyer and DePodesta have proven that they’re not men enough to stand up to the fires that they helped start. So Allen and I would like to give them a great big RSBS “EAT IT!” for their idiocy, self-centeredness and blatant disregard for freedom of speech. Rock on, Prince, rock on.
Red State Blue State
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