May I Propose a Trade?
As has happened in years past, the trade deadline frenzy wore me out and left me for dead. With all the craziness around the league where names like Bay, Ramirez, Griffey, Teixeira, Rodriguez and Farnsworthless are changing into new uniforms, I’m not sure how I should feel. I know I don’t feel good; but I suppose when it’s all said and done, life could be a lot worse.
Take the Cubs for example. Having just swept the Brewers, they’re sitting pretty right now atop the NL Central, owning what could be the best starting rotation — thanks to the acquisition of Rich Harden — in the league, yet their fans — frenzied to the max — are out beating up Brewers fans in Milwaukee, bludgeoning Sox fans at little kids’ birthday parties, and writing me continuously obscene hate mail like this:
“…f***in cards s*** no trade no bullpen izzringnhausen is worhtless peace of s*** you f***ing s***hole who wont right me back but you prolly scared coz i put you inyour f***in place you b****. pujols willl prolly break his face from being on such a s****y team. you think ur so hot stuff wel ur not so you can eat a big fat d*** you f** b**** cubs rule sox s*** cards dead…”
— firstname.lastname@example.org, July 31, 2008
That sure is some way to express one’s excitement regarding his team’s chances as we get into the latter two months of the season. Now don’t get me wrong, when the Cardinals or the Sox do well, there’s nothing that makes me feel better than going out and beating the living snot out of a guy or better yet, writing incoherent expletive-ridden emails from the safe anonymity of my mom and dad’s basement. The difference is: I’m way cool about it.
But the senseless beatings of non-Cub supporters are not that important in the grand scheme of the world. We US Americans have a decision to make soon; and the way things stand now, that decision won’t be too difficult.
Recently, Senator John McCain, finally cognizant of the fact that he is about as camera-friendly as a seventy year old scab, hit the airwaves with a new attack ad relating Barack Obama’s popularity of Hope politics to the flagrant shenanigans of infamous celebrities Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Uh, yeah. They’re like one in the same. I can hardly tell the difference. Shall we?
Yes, it’s clearly obvious to all who have eyes that Obama’s appeal carries the same sentiment and clamor that comes with these two lovely ladies and their raucous good looks.
Thank you, John McCain, for taking the time to educate me on this issue. I’m sure that there is nothing more important you or your campaign could be working on right now what with two wars and an economic crisis being such minor inconveniences.
Dear readers, this odd political angle of strategizing towards the completely ignorant is a bit tired. This cries out that McCain has lost whatever semblance of an edge he might’ve had at one time and therefore, his message has become stale, moot, boring.
May I propose a trade? Would anyone mind if the GOP pulled out a Manny-like deal and traded John McCain and Rick Davis for Ron Paul? Sounds like a pretty good deal to me. Paul is a hard-lined Libertarian-rooted Republican who actually represents the conservative ideals of eradicating Big Government; he also uses the “R” word with conviction and is just as tired of the sickening state of US America as you and I are. He’s a funny guy — even charming to some degree — and most of all, he would make this race (which, has already become more boring than Clinton v. Dole ’96) an exciting one to watch.
Is it too much to ask the GOP to make this necessary move? We can extend the deadline… push back the convention if we need to… just this once. Let’s do it! I believe that US Americans deserve a good, entertaining political fight and just think of how fun it would be to see Ron Paul and Barack Obama debate the finer points of smoking weed. Heck, they might even end up agreeing on something!
And that, dear readers, would be a beautiful thing.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.