September 2008

Bring It, Krause!

jim thome.jpgAsk anyone in my Southside Chicago neighborhood who they’re voting for this November and you might hear about a lot of Jim Thome/John Danks ticket write-ins.  For now.  While we all know how easily the magnanimous momentum of baseball can change, what we know for sure, at this exact moment in time, is that the Chicago White Sox are indeed the AL Central Champions.

So, EAT IT, Mr. Krause!

While you’re doing that… our dear RSBS readers would like to know the answers to the following:

What hurts more, Al?  The Sox winning the Central or your Tigers being puke-spitting awful and finishing in dead last?

What makes you cry more, Al?  The fact that I was right at the beginning of the season or the fact that I was right at the end of the season?

What keeps you up at night, Al?  Not being able to win an argument or not putting in the time to win an argument?

Wrap your head around those inquiries, Mr. Krause.  I understand that you may need a minute or a day, year, decade.  That’s fine.  By the time you’ve formulated your meticulous thoughts, I bet Sarah Palin will be writhing in her own talking points as she prepares to take on Senator Biden on Thursday night.

But hopefully, we’ll hear what you have to say by the time the Cubs drop their first game to the Dodgers.

It’s all in the timing, my man. 

So go ahead.  You’ve done it before.  Sure, go ahead and hate me, Al, but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



A Decent Reply to a Half-Witted Indecent Proposal

goreangryatal.jpgApparently Mr. Krause has learned very little over this grinding 2008 season.  While his beloved Detroit Tigers spent the entire year daydreaming about how they were gonna go blow those big bucks they pocketed without deserving them, my colleague Allen also lost sight of the grandest rule of the grandest game on earth: It ain’t over ’til it’s over

Just ask the New York Mets.

Or the White Sox for that matter… for different reasons.

While I have no viable reason to eschew your proposal, Mr. Krause, I do find it my duty to kick you in the teeth to remind you that the White Sox are still alive, that the playoff participants have yet to be solidified, and that no matter what deal you bring to the table, I will always be right.

After the White Sox defeat the Twins in Tuesday night’s one-off playoff, then you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be on the Southside train all the way to Wrigleyville if it indeed goes in that direction. 

Of course, a Second City Classic would be sublime for me as a Chicagoan; however, like the millions of Cub-haters who share my opinion, there is no way in hell I’ll ever be rooting for the Northsiders — ever.  They could be playing the Munich Hitlers, the Tokyo Hirohitos or the New York Yankees.  I still ain’t budgin’.

So there you have it.  Patience, my friend.  After it’s all said and done, I’ll take much pleasure in proving you wrong just as I’ve done throughout the grueling 162 game (+1) season. 

And to add one bit of finality to another outlandish, unresearched bit of barbarity that escaped your mind without being fully vetted, let me remind you, Mr. Krause, the St. Louis Cardinals finished the season 10 games over .500.  Yet still, you found it appropriate to say:

“…the Cards don’t deserve to be there because, well, they sucked this season.”

Well, not really, Al.  The Cardinals had a tremendous year given the circumstances.  They finished with a better record this season than they did in 2006 when they won it all.  They won 86 games this year with a bullpen reminiscent of my little league team from 1992, including guys whose arms were falling off mid-delivery.  You see, Al, the Dodgers are in the playoffs and they were two wins shy of the Cardinals.  So, by that logic you’d say that the Dodgers haven’t a chance because they “sucked this season” as well?

No.  I’ll tell you who sucked this season.  Your Tigers.  They finished dead last in the AL Central.  DEAD LAST.  BEHIND THE ROYALS. 




Good luck with trying to live with that one.

And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



An Indecent Proposal

What a weekend! College football’s rankings get turned completely on their head with the help of Michigan finally winning a real game. The Lions managed not to lose on Sunday (although that’s mainly because they didn’t play). And then there was baseball.

I’m not going to lie, I really couldn’t be happier that the Mets lost and once again proved their mastery of the art of choking. The Brewers are in, the Yankees are out and the Tigers get to decide who the AL Central representative will be. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

And yet, all is not well over here at RSBS. Despite playing key roles in the final week of the season, neither the Tigers nor the Cardinals will actually be in the playoffs. Granted, the Cards don’t deserve to be there because, well, they sucked this season. And, although I hate to admit it, the Tigers really don’t deserve to be there either. Really guys? Turning the season around with Kyle Farnsworth?

PlayoffMap.jpgIt’s sad but we both head into the postseason without a dog in the fight. That’s not right. However, I think I have a solution. It’s unorthodox but I propose that we both adopt teams for the playoffs. I’m sure you’d say that you might still have a team since the White Sox haven’t yet been eliminated…..but let’s be honest. The way they’re  playing, it’s inevitable. Even if they manage to beat the Tigers tomorrow, the “menacing” Twins are going to take them out in the play-in game.

So, what do you say, Mr. Lung? Do you have the cojones? Are you game? We can even make this sporting. For instance, perhaps the loser has to write a post extolling the virtues of the other person’s team. I’ll even give you first choice. And just in case you’re wondering, you can consider this a challenge. I’ll expect your answer no later than Tuesday morning.


The Filibuster

I asked a similar question in the hypothetical earlier this season but now that some aspects of the postseason have sorted themselves out, I have to ask again. What makes you more sad, the Cubs winning the NL Central or the Cards not making the playoffs?

— Allen


crybaby.jpgFor all of you who picture me sitting in the alcove of my apartment drowning in the proverbial sea of my own tears because the Cardinals will be home this post-season while the Cubs journey on, you’re probably not too far off from reality.  Of course, the half empty bottle of Jack, the lonely cavern of my heart and the clear and present danger of having one Sarah Palin next in line to the highest office in the land most certainly have more to do with my wallowing than the current state of baseball. 

As I have said here before, the Cubs were supposed to win the Central and be one of the best teams in baseball this year.  So why, Mr. Krause, should I be so surprised to actually see this come true?  We’re both highly educated, extremely learned, dashingly handsome young men, so cut me a little slack here.

Verily, the true river of tears has yet to flow.  In fact, it is on standby until the final outcome of the AL Central battle.  If my neighborhood Sox find a way to wiggle back in there, then all will be well again and I will have much to look forward to.

If the menacing Twins manage to squeak in (which would realistically only extend their inevitable fate of just not being good enough) then I will go ahead and cry… right along side Mr. Krause, who again, finds himself rooting for the worst team money can buy

Crying is nothing new to baseball fans.  The likes of Bill Buckner, Bartman and Don Denkinger — among myriad others — have long tortured the hearts and souls of those most loyal.

And no one will cry harder (or longer) than Mets fans if the the second team of New York blows it — yet again — at the very last minute.  Stay tuned… or, just keep your ears open for the hisses and boos from the Met faithful.  That ricketty old stadium may come tumbling down sooner — and in a more creative way — than we all think.  

Don’t hate me, ‘cuz as always, I’m right.



Dramatic and Devastating

Did I forget to say “Happy Autumn” last week? If I did, I truly apologize. I guess I figured that most RSBS readers had already figured out the change of season. It’s usually pretty evident from the bite in the air, the start of the football season and the Mets’ annual late-season choke.

And it’s even better this year with the Yankees relegated to the sidelines. In fact, except for some minor concerns (the credit crisis and imminent depression, Michigan’s loss to Notre Dame), things couldn’t be much better right now.

But I can’t just leave it at that. That’s not how I roll. No, just like my buddy John McCain, I need to make a “dramatic and devastating” statement.
And here it is: I will not write any more mean things about either the Republican Presidential nominee or the Republican Vice Presidential nominee. Like my mother always told me, if you can’t say anything nice, just don’t say anything at all.

Instead, it’s only going to be important, sports-based commentary as we shift our focus towards the ongoing playoff races. For instance, have you been watching those Mets, Phillies  and Brewers as they battle for the NL wild card? Or how about the dogfight between the White Sox and Twins in the AL Central? And what about that USC-Oregon State shocker Thursday night? And…uh, well, and…

….I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. I mean, have you seen this:

This is Bill Buckner-esque. I have very low expectations when it comes to our elected officials but at this point I think I’d rather have Harry Caray as VP. I’d rather have Joe Buck. Hell, I’d rather have Erin Andrews and you all know my views on her.

You know what’s beautiful, though? Even though we have no control over the playoff races and what happens to our teams, we do have a say in who gets elected in November. And that’s why I want to take this opportunity to urge any RSBS readers out there who aren’t already registered to make sure they do it soon. If you aren’t or you just aren’t sure, here’s a great site that will help you either figure out where you are registered or take you through the process for the first time. It doesn’t matter if you “Rock the vote” or “Vote or die.” What matters is that you vote.


Oh, It’s Got to be About Job Creation, Too

It’s Friday and I’m feeling kind of lazy but I wanted to point out that the Latest Leaders are out and you’ve even managed to humble Jeff by keeping us #1 among the fan blogs. I’m not exactly sure why you keep coming back but I’m assuming it has something to do with us bringing you things like this:

Wait a minute. Is it just me or is that Miss Teen South Carolina running for Vice President of the United States? It’s almost like someone took the intellect of Ricky Henderson and mixed it with the temperament of Ty Cobb. It’s like….it’s like…..well, I guess it’s kind of like this:

Oh Jeebus, we’re all gonna’ die.


Managing Expectations

Well, it seems that Republican presidential nominee and good friend of RSBS John McCain has finally settled on a strategy in this year’s campaign: Total disengagement. That’s right. No access, no answers and now, no debates. Obviously something must be worrying the McCain campaign. Perhaps it’s that sinking feeling they’re getting from the polls. Maybe it’s the gorge rising in the voters’ throats as they find out the truth about his second in command. But perhaps it’s something a little more simple. Maybe he realizes he made a terrible mistake when he asked for advice from this man:
(An RSBS hat-tip to

No matter the reason, you might think that this level of incompetence is completely unprecedented. Well, it’s not. For instance, Isiah Thomas and his impressive dismantlement of both the CBA and the Knicks made this type of woeful incompetence seem ordinary. And don’t even get me started on former (Thank you, Jeebus!) Detroit Lions President and GM Matt Millen. However, skills like these are not just the domain of sports involving big leathery balls (politics included). No, it’s quite present in America’s favorite pastime, too.

If you follow RSBS, you know that Jeff has made several mentions of the current Cardinals management and their inept handling of contracts this year. One could argue that Tiger’s GM Dave Dombrowski’s signing of Dontrelle Willis and Kyle Farnsworth also ensconces him firmly in that camp. And Bud Selig’s handling of the steroid problem definitely won’t win him the Jack Welch Award for Excellence in Management. But when it comes to managerial ineptitude, there is only one man in baseball, past or present, who can lay claim to the title of “Least Competent.” Unfortunately, he’s also the one holding the keys to the car.


Countdown to Incompetence Part III: We’re Done Counting Now, Time to Slit Our Wrists

angry_larussa.jpgAs writer Robert Falkoff (say his name with a Boston accent and make yourself laugh like a 12 year-old) let us know on Tuesday, the Cardinals playoff hopes are dead.  Say what you will about the ’08 Redbirds, they had a shot, but GM John Mozeliak made sure they wouldn’t make it by doing absolutely nothing to help the squad get better where they hurt the most: the bullpen.

I’m afraid there’s not much more to say than that.  The bullpen (or certain lack thereof) is the reason why we didn’t contend down the stretch.  My cries fell on deaf ears (not uncommon) and I have since found an aggravating solace in my self-righteousness.

Now, if you’ll be needing me, I’ll be drowning my sorrows by invoking the spirits to damn the Cubs’ playoff run and lead my neighborhood Sox to victory over the Twins.

It will happen.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



Exclusive “W” Speech Preview

george w bush.jpgOur undistinguished, verbally challenged dear leader will be giving a very important speech on the maligned state of the economy later this evening.  As an integral cog in the wheel of fast-forward journalism, RSBS was able to acquire an advanced copy of the speech by wielding its magical charm and flashing our telltale aura.  After a thorough study, we feel it is our civic baseball-politico duty to go ahead and give you, dear reader, a short preview of W’s finer points to come:

– – – – – –

“The economy?  Yeah.  It’s bad.  Surprised?  That’s what I do.  Remember the Rangers?  That was my team.  I owned it.  Y’ever want to cry about something, cry about that… yeah, you… what?  It’s called baseball.  Sometimes you win… sometimes… sometimes you don’t win and sometimes, well, it rains.”

– – – – – –

“Sarah Palin… yeah… she’s a hottie.  She’ll do alright here in my house.  She will.  Trust me.  I’m from Texas.”

– – – – – –

“You really want to vote in someone with the middle name Hussein?  Don’t you read your emails?  I do.  That’s what a president does.  He reads.  Have you read Green Eggs and Ham?  You should.  If you don’t you’re what I call un-American.”

– – – – – –

“You shouldn’t be focussed or worried on the economy.  We will bail those companies out.  And if I can get congress to get on board, we’ll also bail out the Montreal Ex– er, I mean, the Washington Nationals.  And the Pirates.  And maybe the Yankees.”

– – – – – –

“John McCain.  Vote for him.  Remember, I still have my finger on the red button until January so don’t mess with me.  Don’t mess with Texas.”

– – – – – –

“I’m tired of hearing about red states and blue states.  Put ’em together and whadya get?  Purple states.  And that’s our color.  Purple.  Let’s just be purple.”

– – – – – –

“Life ain’t all that bad, people.  Don’t you pay attention to the Cubs?  They’re good this year.  I predict they win the Stanley Cup.”

– – – – – –

“Did I mention that Sarah Palin’s hot?”

– – – – – –

“The war on terror costs money.  So get over it.”

– – – – – –

“Don’t take your money out of the banks.  Leave it there.  I may need to use it later in Iran.  Guess you could call that one of the perks of being the bossman.  Hehe.  I get to use your money and you can’t do nothin’ about it.  Sure, you can vote for the other guy, but you did that already and I still won.  Ha!  Straight shooter!”

– – – – – –

So there you have it folks.  Consider yourselves forewarned and don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.



I’ll Take “Dumb Things Gary Sheffield Says” for $200,  Alex

gary sheffield.jpgApparently Joe Biden and Cindy McCain aren’t the only people making absolutely asinine remarks these days.  The always colorful, oft offensive and seldom productive Gary Sheffield decided it had been long enough since his last foray into slanderous tongue slippage, so he enlightened us all over again when he offered his thoughts regarding the penalties he faces after last Friday’s brawl with the Cleveland Indians:

“You don’t take cheap shots, and that’s what happened. When I find out who it was, they are going to have to deal with me…”


“I don’t care about what the league thinks or what they do.  I’ve got enough money to pay any fine they’ve got. Trust me.”

Nice work, Gary.  Real nice.  I don’t care about what the league thinks or what they do.  What a fine example of sportsmanship you offer the world with that universally positive statement.  Great job, Gary.  You’ve got enough money to pay any fine they got.  Yes.  I trust that indeed you do.  I also trust that you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank with that .223 batting average in tow.

Yes, that batting average sure is impressive, Gary.  In fact, it’s so impressive that I’m sure you’ll be getting tons of offers all over the league for extensive playing contracts for the rest of your life!  Gee, just think about all the money you’ll have then!  You might be the richest person in the whole wide world which would mean you don’t have to pay attention to any of the rules of baseball or life or anything because you’ll be the most important person who ever lived and the entire planet will revolve around you!  Yippee!

Here’s a hint from someone who still considers you a human being slightly worth a smidgen of thought: don’t invest with AIG or Lehman Brothers or whoever else.  Actually, you’ll probably be better off stashing it under your bed — you know, that great big bed that’s so expensive and so huge that you probably don’t even sleep on it because it’s made out of gold and kitty whiskers and other things that are soft, shiny and/or very expensive. 

No one knows how to alienate the little guy (‘little guy’ = we regular US American joes) like the paragon of verbal ineptitude otherwise known as Mr. Gary Sheffield.

Go ahead.  Hate him.  He deserves it.

You can hate me too, but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.