Nailing Jell-O to the Wall
“You know, nailing down Sen. Obama’s various tax proposals is like nailing Jell-O to the wall.”
— Senator John McCain, October 7, 2008
You know, hearing this line over and over again is like watching that drunk uncle of yours wet himself at the family picnic — you feel sorry for him but at the same time you sorta like the idea of him making a fool of himself.
That being said, let me get to the heart of what’s really bothering me: why must Jell-O, an otherwise innocently delicious treat, be dragged into this foray of US American politics where hubris meets sophism for a night of long, agonizing repetition? Seriously, I want to know: what did Jell-O ever do to deserve such scrutiny? Huh? Can anyone answer me that!?!
Let’s look at the facts, shall we, dear readers? Jell-O. It’s sweet. It’s sticky. It’s jiggly.
It’s best when chilled.
It’s even better with vodka, in shot form.
And now it’s got me thinking…
If Obama’s tax proposals — which will offer we regular US American joes, who DON’T make $250,000 a year, a break while asking the wealthy to pitch in a bit more — is like nailing Jell-O to the wall, then nailing Jell-O to the wall sounds like something we all better learn how to do. Pronto.
I see what the senator from Arizona was trying to do here. He was trying to hide his condescension with a sprinkling of cutesy cleverness. I didn’t buy it. As usual, he came across as an old, bitter man still damaged from W’s vicious assaults during the 2000 campaign who is completely out of touch with normalcy (here, normalcy indicates those millions of individuals who are struggling right now, including me).
Whilst my struggles (financial, social, mental) weigh heavily on my mind right now, luckily, I am still able to find solace during this special time of year: the MLB Playoffs. Sure, the Cards didn’t make it, the White Sox blew it and the Cubs aren’t around to ridicule anymore.
But collectively, we, as US Americans have four fine representatives to distract us for the next couple of weeks and I think we all (Red States, Blue States, Purple States) can agree on that. What’s more exciting than watching the youth movement in Tampa Bay battle the Boston Red Sox (aka The New Yankees)? While I have been off and on with my predictions this season, I’m gonna jump on the Tampa Bay train (as opposed to the Jason Bay train) because let’s face it: we need change we can believe in, folks; and Red Sox fans have proven that no matter how good they are or how many championships they win, they will still have an energy-draining inferiority complex coupled with roughly a bazillion things to complain about.
The Senior Circuit also offers us an intense battle as we prepare to watch the Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles fight against ‘dem phightin’ Philadelphia Phillies (Mr. Krause’s pick to click). While I will admit my preference is certainly for the National League style of play, I have a strong feeling that this match-up is going to be a snoozer compared to the AL series.
In fact, I might just go as far as to say that, comparatively speaking, watching the NLCS will be like nailing Jell-O to the wall.
Good pitching always beats good hitting: Tampa Bay v. Dodgers in the finale.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.