If I Were a Red Sox Fan, I’d Be Dead By Now

crazy_red_sox_fan.jpgSeriously, Red Sox Nation, I have no idea how you do it. 

From the 86 years of pure agony credited to the infamous Curse of the Bambino which included tumultuous yet exciting events such as the 1946 World Series, Carlton Fisk’s ’75 bomb, Bill Buckner’s mental lapse and the late-inning heroics of one Aaron “The One-Hit Wonder” Boone, to the most historically shocking comeback in the history of the world in 2004 to overcoming a 3 games to 1 deficit in in the ALCS last year only to sweep the hottest team in baseball on your way to winning it all — again… I have no idea how you do it, Boston — how your heart hasn’t leaped out of your chest and sunk through the floor, how you haven’t become a raging alcoholic nor eaten your children, how you haven’t been diagnosed with a severe case of jitteritis or how you have yet to set fire to the city of New York.

If I were you and I followed a team that knew no other style of play than the “force our fans to writhe and convulse in torment, exasperation and paralytic panic as we may or may not ultimately win this contest but we promise it will be interesting” I would, indeed, be a dead man.

seppuku.jpgBecause, my fellow US Americans, I cannot take such stress.  This is why every time Jason Isringhausen came in from the bullpen this season I immediately changed the channel.  The pure uncertainty of his aging ability and his austere acuteness for blowing saves was simply too much for me.  Often times I thought I would’ve been better off performing the Japanese ritual suicide rite of seppuku than watching him pitch late in a ball game, other times I just rammed my head into a concrete wall until I had the good fortune of sleep. 

Dear readers, during the most stressful of times (i.e. close baseball games, first dates, election night) when my palms are sweaty, my brow furled, my pulse raging beyond control, I find myself resorting to the old habits of yesteryear already responsible for killing half of my family: nicotine, alcohol, the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric.

And that scares me.

Luckily for me, I was born in the midwest — far, far away from rickety noreaster accents and wild-hang-by-the-seat-of-your-pants baseball known as the Red Sox Nation. 

Win or lose, no one knows drama like a Red Sox fan.  And that’s something I do not covet — not one bit.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

4 Comments

I think the two titles have softened a big chunk of them to the point that they’d be disappointed if the Red Sox lost, but not suicidally disappointed as they were before 2004. They’ve seen their team win a title and then another one three years later to boot. Anything more is just like Bill Gates winning the lottery—-what’s the difference at this point?
http://paullebowitz.mlblogs.com/

Jeff, those Red Sox give ME a heart attack and I don’t even root for them! Maybe it’s healthier for fans to support teams that win or lose in blowouts. No sweaty palms. No palpitations. No spiking blood pressure. Yep, much healthier.

http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

It’s simply undeniable that the Red Sox are the most exciting team in baseball–and have been since 2003 (yeah, I know they lost but they would have creamed the Marlins in the WS).

I can handle losing but winning is worth the heart-attacks waiting for it to happen. The Red Sox fans, since this new ownership team took over, have had little to complain about and a lifetime of great memories that seem to keep on coming at us.

Steve T.
http://soxblog.mlblogs.com

Four be the things I’d have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt. Do you agree?
http://www.nicetick.com
– Mlblogs Air Jordan

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