Chaos A.D.
Hold on to your money-makers, dear readers… this is gonna be a thrashing ride reminiscent of Clint Malarchuk’s 1989 throat-slashing — the first and only image on television that made me actually throw up.
Bleh.
Verily, NBC gave her demonic highness, Ann Coulter, the greatest public relations gift in the history of the human race by banning her for life from their network and all like-minded lefty-linked affiliates. This decision was made in lieu of Coulter’s new book which attacks the media as being a farcical, one-sided (left), pretentious boys club incapable of stomaching any of her ranting diatribes, most of which we learned folks have grown to just call ‘crap’. Strongly suggestive of fecal matter or not, Ms. Coulter is still a US American, one who is astutely literate in the land of fantasy writing and one who has the same exact rights that all of us share in making our voice and our opinions known. Nothing good can come from this. She’s going to run with it ad nauseum and in this case, NBC clearly proved the exact point she’s been trying to make all along.
And it might not make me want to vomit as much as the above, but Pat Burrell is now a Tampa Bay Ray and in doing so virtually shuts the door on my boyhood hero, Ken Griffey, Jr. ever getting another shot in the playoffs. Having shored up their veteran/DH hitting needs, I doubt the Rays will have much interest in Junior now. In my mind, this can only mean he’ll likely end up with that cyclical hell-hole of a franchise known as the Seattle Mariners (for nostalgia’s sake — yack). Sorry, Junior. I really am.
And just as sure as I was that the Democrats’ insatiable desire for unwanted negative attention had already met Biblical proportions, it got worse when Rod Blagojevich appointee and prophetic puppet, Roland Burris, said he was the junior Illinois senator because “the Lord has ordained” him. How come the Lord is always talking to everyone except me?
Maybe he’s been talking to Al Franken too. No matter what, the Minnesota senatorial feud will be nothing short of a long, drawn-out, party-dividing legal and social battle that will only make us hate politicians that much more, if that’s even possible… wait, yeah… yeah it is… because there’s still this guy:
Oh and yeah, there’s also still this guy:
And of course his team is just one passing physical away from putting another ice pick in my chest and signing Milton Bradley to a three-year deal. In essence, the Cubs continue to get better, continue to open their change purse, continue to be savvy in all their dealings.
Note to John Mozeliak: You might want to consider waking the hell up!
And no, Mr. Mozeliak, I do not consider your signing of left-handed bullpen scrub Royce Ring, who finished 2008 with an ERA higher than Method Man and Redman on a Saturday night backstage (his ERA was 8.46), to be a “savvy” move.
(*insert dramatic pause while I take the time to puke… again.)
Ahem.
So what do I do when the world around me crumbles like Amy Winehouse during happy hour?
I tune into the wondrous world that is Red State Blue State…
But, folks, it ain’t always pretty. And it’s painfully obvious to anyone with a remedial math education that whether I’m younger by twelve years or twelve days or twelve hours than my cooped-up colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, I am and always will be younger than he, and more eloquent, and better at baseball. That’s just the hard, undeniable truth.
And yes, just as Mr. Krause stated in his low-blow, I did indeed spend some quality years without a steady girlfriend. This I cannot deny. But to call me out on the transgressions of the past without expecting a wicked rebuttal is quite juvenile.
Alas! Mr. Krause has long been the New York Yankees of meaningful romantic relationships: he was always in one, always spending too much money, always on top (so I hear).
Equally, I have long been the Tampa Bay Rays: never actually in the race, always flirting with free-agent wh0res who weren’t worth the inflated dollars, always on the bottom (cuz that’s just how I roll).
But (and I think we can all see where this is going here) like all facets in the grand scheme of life, balance ultimately plays a most crucial role. And nowadays it’s pretty apparent that I’m on top (with a hot girlfriend) while Mr. Krause wallows in the despair that is not making the “playoffs” for the first time since 1993. Don’t worry, Al, I’m sure they seat parties of one on Valentine’s Day somewhere in the nation’s capital. If not, you can always give Eliot Spitzer a call. I’m sure he knows some “people”.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeffy
Red State Blue State 
Ahh Mrs. Coulter I love the fact this great country affords her the ability to say what she wants but I believe she will be that little ol lady rambling on in her wheel chair how the man is keeping her down. NBC is making a mistake in keeping her from the network but I’m not when I change the channel.
tom
http://rockymountainway.mlblogs.com
AHHH SNAP, Tom! That’s what I’m talking about! The power to change! Good times!
–Jeff
Jeff, Firstly thank you so much for giving us the opportunity to view the “neck slashing” again. My life didn’t have enough gore in it today. Moving on to Ann – let’s face it the real reason that Ann was banned by NBC – that horrible picture on the cover of her book! I think NBC was afraid that the FCC would fine them if they showed the book. Oh, and congrats on the “hot” girlfriend and perhaps Mr. Krause could get a listing of the new interns in DC to find a date for Valentine’s Day. Or maybe Ms. Coulter could use a night out.
Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/
I can’t wait for the next post, in which Allen will express outrage at being called “the New York Yankees of meaningful romantic relationships.” It’s a compliment, Allen. Just say thank you and act Yankee fan-ish by elbowing Jeff in the ribs.
– http://janeheller.mlblogs.com
Julia — Glad I could be of service. And I agree — that cover is detrimental to her cause.
Jane — Calling Al NY Yankees anything surely is a slap in the face. The only team he dislikes more would be the 2008 Tigers if that’s possible. And, as a Cardinals fan living in Chicago, be sure that my ribs are made of rubber.
–Jeff
I consider myself to be the New York Mets of relationships; promising much but always ending in bad decisions, injury and a hostile media
http://arizonaviaslough.blogspot.com/
Wow, I remember when that happened to Malarchuk. Growing up near DC, I was a Capitals fan. Malarchuk got traded from the Caps to the Sabres only like a week or two before the accident. Thankfully, I hadn’t seen the game, but I remember going with my Mom to Circuit City or some sort of electronics store and seeing the replay on the news at the store. The worst part was that there were probably 25 tv’s all on the same channel, all showing it on replay. It was brutal. It’s amazing he survived.
-Mark
http://babypaul.mlblogs.com
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, The MLB Hot Stove is finally serving up some blue plate specials in the Bradley and Burrell signings. Not ar behind them might be another attempt at the Early Bird special aka Jake Peavy again by Chicago or Atlanta.
This off season has been pretty unpredictable, but as soon as Burrell and Bradley came off the board, now things are falling into place fast in the MLB……………Giambi………A’s should be the next marriage either today or tomorrow.
Rays Renegade
http://raysrenegade.mlblogs.com
Russell — I’d make a witty comment back but I’m just so pleasantly surprised to see you’re alive that I’ll reserve the right to pick on you later. Welcome back, brother!
Mark & Baby Paul — I know. I wasn’t kidding when I said it made me puke. I remember asking my dad “Is that blood?”, Dad shook his head yes and I yacked. Good times.
Renegade — Wish the Redbirds would get in on the act. They look stupid ridiculous right now.
–Jeff
I agree a lifetime ban probably isnt the right approach, in that you’re trying to keep the network above certain rhetorical standards, not above individual people. Ann’s intelligent and occasionally insightful, but she needs to clean up the rude, bullying demeanor and sloppy vitriol in order to be relied on as a network pundit, imo
It’s fine to oppose the New Deal or FDR – or even to hate them – but when you consistently bluster that any American who supports these things is a de facto idiot, then you dont really belong on network, propped up as even a remotely reasonable voice. You belong at the end of some sad, dark bar.
http://diamondhacks.blogspot.com/