January 2009

The King and Jeff

bkflame.jpgI wish I was the kind of person who enjoyed aiming low blows at my friends. I’d like to be able to question why someone who will turn 30 thirteen
short days after me is counting down the days to my own birthday. I wish I could sit here and wonder out loud if my friend not having a girlfriend for the last several years somehow affected his cognitive skills. It would be great to openly wonder why he thinks that dousing himself in the smell of BK is effective for picking up women. But, I’m not that kind of person. I’m a real friend.

So, I’m not going to address the spurious accusations made at my expense yesterday. It would be demeaning to all of us and the work we do if I pointed out that most of the baseball intelligentsia thought the Tigers would win the World Series last year and concluded that Dave Dombrowski had hoodwinked the entire league with his off-season moves. I’d be doing no one a favor by saying that Detroit and the state of Michigan have been suffering since the 70′s (just watch The Crow, Gran Torino or Eight Mile to see what I’m talking about) and it’s only natural that its residents hopelessness would also be reflected in their view of sporting pursuits.

No, I refuse to debase myself in the same way as my friend. Instead, in the spirit of this new year full of hope and change, I’m going to say, “good luck, Jeffery.” I hope the Cardinals pick up some relief pitching so AP’s offense isn’t wasted. I hope that 30 treats you well and really is the new 21. And I hope that you go on a date. Seriously, though, you gotta rid of the BK cologne first.

-A

Countdown to Retribution

lions and tigers.jpgMr. Allen Krause may have a point when he defines me as the saddest man in America whilst the St. Louis Cardinals front office gives new meaning to the word “crapjob”; indeed, watching a team known for its unbridled winning tradition falter into a debilitated trance under the penny-pinching antics of John Mozeliak is not only gut-wrenching, it’s depressing as well.  For unlike Mr. Krause and his coveted haphazard sports franchise affiliations (namely the Detroit Tigers and the Detroit Lions), we Cardinal fans expect great things from our team every game, every day, every year.

We’re winners.

We’re not poster children for the Buddha’s life is suffering mantra.

And we’re certainly not dumb enough to make statements like “we’ll both revel in the genius that is Dave Dombrowski” before the most expensively bad team ever took the field.  That’s just plain irresponsibility in ten words or less.

If anyone should apologize to the dear readers of RSBS it should be Mr. Krause, who was so brazen in his blogging, so careless in his quips, so insensitive in his irrationality that he completely forgot about the 86 years of purely agonizing, flesh-eating hell that Red Sox fans went through before their ultimate redemption.  In essence, he called them whiny crybabies who cling to their guns and religion.

Didn’t you learn anything in 2008, Al?

I did.

I learned that there is no substitution for retribution.

And you’re old.

http://www.countdownclockcodes.com/cd/ccc-birthday/show.swf?clickURL=http://www.countdownclockcodes.com/&clickLABEL=MySpace%20Countdown%20Clocks&flashLABEL=Countdown%20Clock%20Codes&skin=http://www.countdownclockcodes.com/cd/ccc-birthday/skins/6.jpg&text=Mr%2E%20Allen%20Krause%20is%20the%20Big%2030%21He%20was%205%20years%20old%20the%20last%20time%20the%20Tigers%20won%20the%20WS%20and%20it%27s%20been%20nothing%20but%20heartache%20since%2E%20Much%20more%20to%20come%2E%2E%2E&untilColor=16711680&textColor=0&datesColor=16711680&year=2009&month=0&day=15&hour=0&minute=0&second=0&x=6&y=77
MySpace Countdown Clocks

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Saddest Man in America

sadness.jpgPoor Jeffery. It’s 2009 and still he has to deal with 2008 problems. It must be awful to deal with incompetent management. Yep, I feel really bad for you. Cheering for the team with the reigning NL MVP is almost as tough as cheering for the team that considers Farnsworth to be quality relief material. And losing Brian Fuentes to the Angels is almost as bad as losing
Chauncey Billups and getting Allen Iverson in return (seriously man, love the name but you are to low-percentage shots what Wilt Chamberlain is to loose women). John Mozeliak is incompetent, yes, but try comparing that to nearly a decade of Matt Millen.

No, my friend, you have nothing to complain about. Try being a Lions fan. Or maybe book a vacation to Gaza. Or how about growing a beard and attempting to fly out of our nation’s capitol. Now those people have complaints. You, you just have a little bit of a slump following winning the freaking World Series two years ago. Jimminy Christmas, man. You sound like a Red Sox fan.

Now, I want you to go home, wipe those tears from your eyes and then look in the mirror and say, “Jeffery, you’re better than this.” And then I want you to apologize to all of our readers. Do you think you can do that, Jeff? If not, it’s going to be into the corner with you for a timeout.

-A

P.S. Happy New Year!

Fire This Man!!!

John Mozeliak.jpgI and the rest of Cardinal Nation have had enough of this incompetence! 

Another one got away… one we needed desperately, one who could’ve been had were it not for the mental retardation of one John Mozeliak.

And now we are forced to sit back and reserve room at the bottom of the National League Central Division because with the massive, gaping, bloody wound that is the St. Louis Cardinals bullpen throbbing with ineptitude faster than the Illinois legislature moves to impeach a pompous nimrod governor, that’s exactly where we’ll be.

Move on up, Pirates.

We got this taken care of.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

P.S.  Happy Friggin’ New Year.

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