Another Guide for Passing the Time

In his last post, my oft misguided and ever self-loathing colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, offered up some morbid thoughts on how to pass the next several weeks while we wait to thaw out and spring into some serious baseball action.  Poignantly defeatist in nature, Mr. Krause squashed our spirits more than he uplifted them, as more lamenting on the sad state of Detroit sports franchises and focusing on the natural discourse between Iran and the rest of the world leaves little else than a tinge of bitterness.

Dear readers, there are many more things you can do with your time.  For instance…

steelers superbowl champs.JPG

Postulate How Many More Superbowls the Steelers Will Win Before the Pirates Get Back to the Post-Season (If They Ever Do)

Already the winningest franchise in NFL history, the Pittsburgh Steelers have long drowned out the cheers (if any) from the Pirates faithful.  But don’t worry, ‘Burgh, the 2009 Pirates boast a lineup that features the likes of Jose Tabata, Brian Bixler and Nyjer Morgan!  Whoo-wee!  Get out the ticker-tape, ya’ll!  I’m feeling a bit like 1991!

Count the Reasons Why Ann Coulter Has No Soul

Verily, this woman is as crazy as A-Rod is attention hungry.  In her most recent blog post (dated 1/28/2009), she had this brilliant quip to share:

“The only reason McCarthy was elected to Congress in the first place is
that her husband and son were shot by a crazed gunman on the Long
Island Rail Road in 1993. Colin Ferguson’s shooting spree wasn’t
stopped sooner because none of the passengers had guns. As has been
demonstrated beyond dispute at this point, armed citizens save lives.”

There is no way these words came from a live human being complete with a heartbeat and the ability to actually feel.  No way.

Waste Your Life Away by Playing the Harold Reynolds Drinking Game
(I don’t personally recommend this, but if you’re looking for a quick, painless way to hibernate until Opening Day, click **here** for details. And when I say “painless” I’m lying.)

Try To Nail Down How Many Games the Cardinals Will Finish Behind the Cubs in 2009
Let’s see, there’s Adam Kennedy, Trever Miller, a busted up bullpen virtually unchanged from last season, question marks at third base, second base, starting rotation, no one to protect Albert Pujols, the reality that LaRussa and Duncan will most likely be gone next year, and we still have Bill Dewitt and John Mozeliak at the helm!  Folks, that’s just the beginning… I won’t go in to how good the Cubs look, how fresh and exciting the Reds look, how explosive the Brewers look, how nagging the Astros look.  Ooh boy, can’t wait to battle Tabata, Bixler and Morgan in the ‘Burgh for the NL Central Toilet Bowl!

Whew.

Okay, so I admit, my suggestions are just as morbid and defeatist as Allen’s… but if there is one thing we can all agree on, it is that a laugh — a good, hearty, gut-cleansing laugh —  can last us a while… or in this case, a long, long while:

Now that is what I call comedy!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace

Jeffy

16 Comments

And he was elected for 8 years. Coulter has no heart, soul or shred of human kindness.

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

Coulter came to my university a couple years ago. She practically caused riots and the group that brought her apologized. She called a bunch of guys gay and insulted the majority of people there. She might be the Devil Incarnate.
Jen
http://ajroxmywhitesox.mlblogs.com

I think if Ann Coulter got together with Scott Boras, the world might experience the next apocalypse. Also, while I will relish in our new president, I will miss those hilarious moments with our former one.
Emily
http://deconstructingthoughts.mlblogs.com/

Ann Coulter just says whatever will piss the most people off so she’ll sell books. Well, that or she’s completely insane, I can’t decide which. Not only is she evil, but she’s phony and stupid. I usually don’t even acknowledge what she does. She doesn’t deserve the attention. I do have to admit, I will miss makin’ fun of George. However, I think a competent President will help me get over it.
~Katie
tigerfan22.mlblogs.com

The best part of that comment, by the way, is that Colin Ferguson- by my definition, at least- was an armed citizen. How many lives did he save, Ann?
~Katie
http://tigerfan22.mlblogs.com

The Astros might nag a little, but their farm system is horrible. It costs prospects to be able to nag, so be glad they don’t have any up and comers because they won’t be bothering any serious contenders in the future.

http://statisticianmagician.mlblogs.com/

Julia — I think he was elected just for the jokes.
Jen — We have donned that moniker on Coulter many a time. You’re right on board.
Emily — Don’t scare us like that.
Katie — Score: Katie 1, Coulter 0.
Joe — You’re right… but still, they have a knack for molesting the Redbirds and the way our team is looking for ’09, I’m afraid it’s only going to get worse.
–Jeff

I was thinking we should all pass the time finding you a new girlfriend, Jeff. Have you considered becoming a contestant on “The Bachelor?”

http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

I don’t think I’m tall enough, Jane. Granted, I am a very tall 5’8, but that’s not really that tall… or is it? I own it though. I have been the same height since the 7th grade, when I used to tower over all ;-)
–Jeff

Maybe they have a show called “The Bachelor Who Appears Taller Than He Is.”

http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

I don’t think we would ever have to worry about Scott Boras and Ann Coulter being in the same room together, as Emily suggested. Clearly they are the same person: Satan.

I would be curious as to what evidence Coulter uses to support her claim that it has been demonstrated “beyond dispute at this point that armed citizens save lives”. I don’t recall any incident in American history in which one nut with a gun was actually stopped by another nut with a gun, but then again I’m obviously a liberal America-hater so what do I know?
-Erin
http://plunking-gomez.mlblogs.com

I tried that Harold Reynolds drinking game while watching a DVD of the ALCS game & and do not remember the last three innings.

Might have to do that with John Madden and the Superbowl replay and every time he says “Um” or studders a bit..drink!!

Might make it to the 3rd quarter if I am lucky.

Rays Renegade

http://raysrenegade.mlblogs.com

I had an epiphany about Ann Coulter/Rush Limbaugh/Sean Hannity and the rest of the Tall Man’s procurers (if you can identify THAT reference, I’d be beyond impressed); do you really believe that any genuine conservative with half a brain is reading, listening or watching any of their crap? It’s the liberals who are buying these books!!! When Coultergeist publishes, the question I often asked, “who’s BUYING these things” was answered by the sudden realization of the truth. The LEFT is buying, listening and watching as some form of masochism or to get all worked up into a frenzy and it must be stopped if they’re ever going to disappear. Spread the gospel.
http://paullebowitz.mlblogs.com/

Jeff,
I don’t follow football but it sounds like the Steelers are like the Yankees of football, only because of the super bowl titles. And I promise you I will play the Harold Reynolds game when I am of appropriate age to do so.
-Elizabeth
http://redsoxgirl46.mlblogs.com

Gentlemen – All’s fair in love, war & blogging! Congrats on the #3 ranking on the latest Leader’s List!

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

I don’t know, Prince… a reference to Lincoln? He was tall. He was Republican… back when it meant being a Reupblican that is. To be honest, you lost me when you mentioned all three of those names in the same sentence. Scared me… that’s what you did ;-)
–Jeff

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