Why We Should Fear the Japanese

As if facing Team Japan in the World Baseball Classic’s upcoming semifinals isn’t enough pressure on the already limping USA squad, once the laundry list of abominable possibilities finally settles in, we US Americans could be in big trouble.

Nevermind the impeccable team consciousness so calculated and so perfected by Team Japan during international competition.  Nevermind Team Japan’s quiet gamesmanship deftly defining and defending their world-class status.  Nevermind Dice-K and Darvish.  There is much more to fear… for example:

rape of nanking.jpgRape!  Dear readers, Ted Bundy, Mike Tyson, Kobe Bryant… these guys ain’t got nuthin’ on the Japanese.  Don’t believe me?  Know this: from December 1937 to February 1938, the Japanese raped an entire city!  The then southern stronghold of China, Nanjing (aka Nanking), was completely decimated by the Japanese in a not-so-quiet storm of raging pillage quite akin to the stomping Chris Brown gave Rihanna not too long ago.

If that isn’t reason enough to fear the Japanese, how about this?

Ichiro suzuki running.jpgNot only do they combine situational hitting with speed, they are also known to make sure the opposite clubhouse spread is spiked with magic mushrooms, leaving the competition confused in a burst of beguiling blur.

Yet nothing should invoke more fear in the hearts of Americans than the Japanese group mind.  To illustrate, here’s a clip of Team Japan’s batting practice:

They may not be a hit on Broadway (yet), but the Japanese sure do know how to rhythmically scare the bejesus out of any and all opponents willing to scrap.

US Americans, let us unite!  Persevere!  And conquer!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

paul lebowitz.jpgP.S.  Dear readers, if you haven’t already, make sure you purchase the Prince of New York Paul Lebowitz’s 2009 Baseball Guide.  You can get it *here* and you should get it soon.  It is your one-stop shop for all things 2009 MLB and it has magical powers (and by “magical powers” I mean “table of contents”).  Believe me, this dude knows what he’s talking about.  He’s the clean, charming, polite version of Jose Canseco.

On the real.

(Ichiro blur photo courtesy of Donald Miralle/Getty Images)

8 Comments

This is going to be tastyyyy! Evan Longoria was added to Team USA’s lineup to help them out a bit, but, agreeing if you were, with Japan’s speed and techniques, they have the advantage over our favored Americans. Time can only tell.

- Donnie
http://donnieanks.mlblogs.com/

Did you say cash or check my Fulbright friend?
The TOC was put in specifically at your request; if I’d thought of it, I’d have added, “This TOC is dedicated to one Jeffrey Lung”; but my brain was fried after writing the whole thing in two-and-a-half weeks. I looked (and acted) like a zombie in 28 Days Later.
http://www.paullebowitz.com/

I hope we have more fans than we did in Miami. I think that would be a big boost for the players. Especially when they start chanting U-S-A!!!

Ron

http://strictlycubsbaseball.mlblogs.com/

Julia — I’m with ya.
Donnie — I like the Longoria addition. Let’s see if it helps at all. We’ll have a tough matchup.
Prince — I am honored indeed. And of course, cash is always best ;-)
Ron — US American fan turnout has been a disappointment for sure. We’re busy people though. What can one expect?
–Jeff

We do have plenty to fear from the Japanese team, but we will prevail! Somehow! Even without a first baseman (or did we convince somebody to take on the job?).

- http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

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