Golden Nugs for Silver Screens

Hillary_Clinton_2008.JPGFeisty factions of conservative right wing constituents are finally going to get what they have always wanted.  Indeed, after a series of anti-republican films exploiting the low-blow antics of unsavory characters such as Richard Nixon and George W. Bush reached wide audiences in 2008, the GOP is all smiles knowing the biggest, baddest politico docudrama to ever hit the big screen is well on its way!

Special Relationship, the upcoming film starring Julianne Moore as democratic juggernaut Hillary Clinton and Dennis Quaid as the always promiscuous Bill Clinton, will explore the finer points of Slick Willy’s extramarital affair with Monica Lewinsky and his wife’s subsequent decision to stick by his side (so she could run for the New York senate, and eventually the presidency). 

Moore is a decent actress.  I see her pulling off this role of a lifetime no problem.  Quaid as Clinton?  What a wonderful opportunity to repeat his 1987 world-class performance from Inner Space!  I can hardly wait, folks!

And the Hollywood hoopla doesn’t just end there, dear readers.  I am super excited about some other upcoming films that are in the early stages of development:

The Little MVP Who Could: The Dustin Pedroia Story
Starring Macaulay Culkin as Pedroia, this film aims to highlight the undying will of small stature phenoms on baseball diamonds all across the galaxy.  Also features Manny Ramirez as the evil space alien predator intent on disrupting all things Red Sox until the bitter intergalactic end.

Jacked! The Alex Rodriguez Story
Pre-production on this film has been stalled until Alex can get his entire story straight.  While the writers continue to amend the script as best they can, more problems seem eminent as Vin Diesel, originally slated to star as A-Rod, pulled out of the project noting that not even he would subject himself to performance enhancing drugs, whether his trusted cousin bought them in the D.R. or not.

Yeah, I Hit .213 Last Year, What’s It to Ya, Buddy? The Khalil Greene Story
Sean Penn stars in this not-so-action-packed drama about how decent defense often allows a poor offensive performer to wallow in the ongoing apathy that is the San Diego Padres (and later, St. Louis Cardinals).

sean penn fast times.jpg
khalil greene fast times.jpgWhere Have I Gone? The Rafael Palmeiro Story
In perhaps the most poignantly cast role of the century, Tony Danza portrays PED-raging anti-hero Rafael Palmeiro not because he looks like him (he doesn’t) but because his career is as equally irrelevant.

And finally, what promises to be a most entertaining entanglement of hopes, dreams, egos and narcissism:

nathan lane.jpgMe, Me, Me! The Curt Schilling Story
Posthumously directed by Stanley Kubrick, this tale of unfettered vainglory explores the tired, whiny affectations of one number 38 through standard Kubrick mind-busts like a minimalistic score and plenty of drawn-out steady-cam shots.  Accurately portraying the role of Schilling will be the outspoken and very homosexual Nathan Lane.  Who else to better force Curt into yet another self-consuming fit of rage than a flamboyantly gay ultra-liberal left wing Broadway icon with plenty of career left in him?

Yes, my friends, going to the movies has never seemed so good.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.




Damn it sucks not having consistent wifi to get with you boys. Definitely still a must read in ’09 and RSBS keeps it coming strong. Sorry I’ve been absent of late boys but I can only occupy a coffee shop stealing wifi too long before I get all weird. Nice post as usual and I’ll make my rounds as I can.

Can I get advance tickets for all of these movies? :O) Funny stuff!


haha Can’t wait for the Khalil Greene one! Especially the Clemson Intro right?

Remember when Jason Bay beat Khalil Greene out in the rookie of the year voting? Oh yeah, gotta love it :)

You guys clearly have your **** together. Your stuff is never blah blah this or that. You have an opinion and its presented in a whimsical way. I have a good feeling about you boys. Keep it up.

Tom Cruise might be small enough to play Pedroia!


Those are some awesome movie ideas, Jeff!

Those were great. Posthumous direction has always made for wonderful films!

Macaulay Culkin as Pedroia ahahahahahaha! That’s wonderful. Hahahaha! Oh my God, I cannot stop laughing. Where Have I Gone? Hahahahaha. Jeff, you kill me. Hahaha!

Tom — No prob. Well, it is a problem, but it’s a fixable one ;-). Keep comin’ back.
Jenn — I’ll leave some comp tix at the door for ya.
Melissa — Yes. Khalil. He’s… er… uh… special.
Eatsleep — Oh, you mean when Khalil was good? Yeah, I vaguely remember that.
Meetcha — I like your “feeling”. Bring it on!
Julia — Tom would’ve gotten the part had he not been so weird at the audition jumping up and down while playing shortstop screaming “I LOVE YOU!”
William — I’m pitching them to some folks now. Cross your fingers!
Paige — No one directs like the undead.
Jen — HAHAHA… thanks for the HAHAHAHA. Okay, I’m cracking myself up now that you’re cracked up :-)

Jeff- You must be raking it in off these movie scripts, I hope there will be sequels!!… and prequels!!!

Emily, I’m making about as much money off these scripts/prequels/sequels as I am betting the Cards will win it all this year.

Oh my goodness, that dude looks so like Khalil! That’s almost creepy. That one’s definitely my fave. Khalil is a really interesting person, but we loved him in San Diego!

Kaybee, you loved him despite his .213 BA? That’s what I call love. If he does that in the Lou, we’ll cut off his head.

I think ‘Me, Me, Me! The Curt Schilling Story’ would be perfect for a broadway musical. Maybe you could get Mitch Williams to finance it.

I would pay to see all of those movies! Speaking of Sean Penn, I just read this morning that he’s signed to play Larry in the Three Stooges (Jim Carrey will be Curly and Benecio Del Torro is Moe). Now that I’ve got to see.

Erin — Mitch and I are talking. Kruk is slated to play himself if you can stomach that.

Jane — Jim Carrey as Curly? He better gain some weight!

Jeff, word around town is that Dwayn “The Rock” Johnson and John Cena would like a power lunch with you to discuss the role of Alex Rodriguez in Jacked. You’re on your way baby! To the top!

Player2B — Can’t wait for that power lunch. Just hope they don’t try to stick me with any needles. (Fell for that once; trainer said it was Vitamin B-12).

Holy Moly,
I had no idea Greene looked so much like Spicoli. I would if he has those new Vans spikes in checkerboard too.
Please, no Dennis Quaid as Bill Clinton. I like the guy as an actor too much to see him die in a dismal Hillary bit.
Great ideas for productions. Just keep the blog handy, with all the remakes they are planning in the next 3 years, they might steal a few of these from you…………… on it!

Rays Renegade

RR — I could use an agent for my scripts. You drive a hard bargain. Got my eye on ya skillz.

you might want to saddle up to Jenn, our favorite White Sox fan, she is out in Cali, and is going to law school.
She could become the female Ari Gross.

But if she is not available, I can get the Octo-Mom’s lawyer on it for you. You know she is going to get paid royally for those litter of ankle biters ( just a pun people).

Rays Renegade

“Ankle biters”… You’re my new hero, RR.

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