Small Solutions to Big Problems

gold digger.jpgWE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

If you read the newspaper or watch the evening news or leave your house every day, you might find the above statement to be true.

Ironically, it is true.  Because whether we like it or not, we are all going to die; however, I personally like to think it won’t happen to me until I’m around 90 years old, gripping a cold one while I overexert myself with my 20-something year old gold-digger.

And I’m cool with that.

What I am not cool with is the tense and terse escalation of fear-mongering which has replaced logic and common sense among those who “inform” us on the world’s goings-on.  Admittedly, some problems are bigger than others.  I ain’t no fool.  I get it.  But since I am willing, able and sober (for now), allow me to mend some of these major issues with some easy fixins’…

THE PROBLEM: Mexico’s Exploding Drug Violence
THE SOLUTION: Carlos Lee

It’s easy.  Hand El Caballo an AK-47.  Give him immunity.  Let him go to work. 

carlos lee.jpgI know, I know.  Carlos is Panamanian, not Mexican.  Doesn’t matter.  He speaks the language, he’s scarier than Dick Cheney on a hunting trip and he plays for the Astros (meaning he’s expendable).  Indeed, I had the pleasure of meeting El Caballo as he was getting on the Astros’ team bus after a game at Wrigley a couple of years ago and while the man is only 6’2, he has to be the most behemoth of a human being I have ever encountered in real life.  He’s listed at 235 lbs., but that is a stone cold lie.  He looks like he ate my entire family for lunch and I have a huge family.  Anyone who can devour me and my six sisters has the inner wrath and tenacity it would take to bring down Mexican drug lords galore.  ¡Venga, Carlito!  ¡Ya basta!  ¡Venga, venga!

THE PROBLEM: World Financial Crisis
THE SOLUTION: Pittsburgh Pirates, Kansas City Royals, San Diego Padres

Assemble the wealthiest 1% of people in the world.  Force them to put their money into global markets equally, thus spreading the love, injecting life, creating confidence.  If they do not follow this direction, simply hand them ownership to the Pirates, Royals and Padres and watch them die a slow, meaningless death.

THE PROBLEM: Chicago’s Intra-City Turf War
THE SOLUTION: Shut Milton Bradley’s Trap

Milton Bradley pouting.jpgFor a guy who has the meaty reputation of being an unadulterated ^sshole everywhere he goes playing for a team that hasn’t won a World Series in 101 years, Milton Bradley sure does a lot of incessant yapping.  Uh, Milton, didn’t you get the memo from Ryan Dempster and Ronny Cedeno?  Yeah, they’ve been there, done that.  Their feet ended up in their mouths.  Yours probably will too. 

‘Cuz no matter how good the Cubs are on paper, Milton, no matter how good they should be this season, no matter how many knowledgeable baseball folks pick you guys to go all the way, at the end of the day, Milton, you play for a loser.  A LOSER.  In fact, they are the only professional baseball team nicknamed the “Lovable Losers”, Milton.  Yes.  That’s true.

You want to talk about Chicago winners, Milton?  Since Jordan & Co. left town, the White Sox are it, buddy.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

15 Comments

haha “They should. I’m here.” Awesome, Milton, awesome. Because your presence brought playoffs to Texas last year… oh wait, it didn’t. How is that possible? haha
I predict the Cubs choke again this year. Like always. One reason they’re lovable is that they are also so predictable.
Melissa
http://clemsongirlbaseball.mlblogs.com

The only reason the Cubs have a chance of winning anything this year is because their division is SO bad.

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

Melissa — As Cardinal fan and Chicago Southsider, I have been disliking the Cubs my entire life… never found them “lovable”… but yes, always predicatable.
Julia — You are correct on that one. They almost win by default this year, which is even more reason for them to choke… AGAIN.
–Jeff

#4 guys! Congrats!

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

Thanks for the congrats, but we’re STILL in the top 3, Julia. Number Three that is… right behind ya.
–Jeff

When Carlos is done with Mexico, tell him to come to New York and taunt my teachers into giving me a passing grade with a hard stare and a threatening stance.
Pirates, Royals and Padres? I believe you neglected to mention the Nationals.
Milton’s words just reminded me of the days of Gary Sheffield blabbing his mouth in a Yankee uniform [or about the Yanks after his days in a Yankee uniform].. eehckk..
p.s. thanks for the ‘kick’.. lol :)
- V [ http://flairforthedramatic.mlblogs.com ]

V — No prob. I’ll send Carlos a txt and he’ll be there as soon as he’s done eating the Brady Bunch. And can we please not talk about Sheffield here? This is a family-friendly forum ;-) Glad to see you’re alive, V. We were wonderin’…
–Jeff

I’m a person that believes team chemistry is overrated; it’s worth it to have arrogant, obnoxious, teammates if it means you’re going to win. For crying out loud I was clamoring for the Indians to reach out to Bonds until not too long ago! But even I can’t argue with the Indians decision to send Bradley packing. That dude is just intolerable.

that picture of milton bradley is hilarious.
http://eatsleepmlb.mlblogs.com

But this is the Cubs’ year! Eddie Vedder even said so!-Erinhttp://plunking-gomez.mlblogs.com

Are you serious Jeff? The Padres are going to die in a slow, meaningless death? Don’t be kiddin’ :)http://hyunyoung.mlblogs.com

mayz — Somehow I find Bonds’ personality more likable than Bradley’s. That’s scary.
Eastsleep — It happens when he pouts.
Erin — Contrary to popular belief, Eddie Vedder is no longer cool (not since 1997).
Hyunyoung — They already have been. Maybe Moorad can bring them back to life.
–Jeff

Excellent! The ‘fear mongering’ over the violence in Mexico caused the parents of a girl who works for me to pressure her into canceling her honeymoon to Tulum. They suggested South Padre as an alternative, which is actually closer to the violence than the Mayan Riviera. And, inexplicably, the parents are OK with the fact that the kids have rebooked their honeymoon to the Dominican Republic, which of course must be safer since they have never actually heard of it.
Yes, I know, I live in the south. I just wish they made a news program for people who cannot actually think for themselves. Oh wait, that’s who they are all made for.
Sorry, so cynical today.
-Kathy
http://redbirdchatter.mlblogs.com

I can honestly say I think the Cards and Astros finish ahead of the Laughable Losers this year. Milton will be a one man wrecking crew this year. Of course this is coming from a true SOXSIDER.
Mike D

Wow, Kathy. Honeymoon in the DR? Hope they like steroids.
SOXSIDER! I hope you’re right, Mike. That would make my year complete.
–Jeff

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