Mark Teahen Invokes His Inner Industrial Death Metal Band Persona to Cope with Royals’ Dismal Prospects
Yes, dear readers, those are the black tears of death running down the face of Kansas City Royals’ franchise juggernaut, Mark Teahen. As a proud member of the Royals, Teahen obviously experiences a lot of down time. So instead of wallowing away in the wasteland that is the Royals’ prospects at winning this year, Mark appears to be flirting with his death metal alter ego Marduk Two-Bagger.
In an effort to boost his fettered teammates’ moribund morale, Teahen also recorded an album featuring some quality head-thrashing tracks that aim to electrify underground metal clubs all across US America and inject fear into the ripped-out hearts of AL Central foes. Some of the more titillating featured titles from this album are:
Skulling Tony Pena
Thrash and Mesh Gil’s Misanthropic Meche
Goliath Killed David’s DeJesus
Nequaquam Vacuums and CoCo Crisps: Eat Them and DIE!!!
Crucify Kyle Farnsworth
Something tells me Kyle won’t have any problem doing that on his own…
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(Image Courtesy of the Associated Press)
*The above story is completely false… and by false I mean it’s true… in my own little fantasyland.