Coco Crisp = Comedy Gold, Part 2: The Wrath of “Jokey”

coco crisp 2.jpgThey say lightning never strikes the same place twice; but when it comes to the self-loving oft incoherent Twitter musings of one Coco Crisp, it strikes just about every hour.  Don’t believe me?  See for yourself:

i dont know how i
did it but i slept from 1am til 2pm and the last thing i remember b4 i
woke was winning a horse race and i was the jokey

any of yaw’ll out there know bout dreams… let me know what that means.

Well, Coco, I am certainly no psychiatrist.  Nor do I claim to have actual dream interpretation abilities.  But my contemporaries do consider me to be the lone Freudian voice in a world of mother-loving MLBloggers, so let me try to help as best I can.

You seem to be perplexed by your mastery of slumber, Coco.  I concur, sleeping for 13 hours straight is serious business.  I completely understand your bafflement.  I slept for 13 hours once during my college days and while from that experience my first inclination is to warn you about dangers of binge drinking, I think that, in your case, you’re just lazy.  So set an alarm next time.  You’ll be good to go.  I promise.

Now, if the last thing you remember “b4″ you “woke” was winning a horse race, well, gee, Coco… that’s great!  Congratulations!  Honestly, I believe this was your own mind’s ominous foretelling of the brilliant pitching performance later delivered by your perennially underachieving teammate Brian Bannister.  You see, you have powers, Coco.  Use them.  Don’t abuse them.  If you feel like you’re going to get a good pitch to hit, you probably are, so make sure you swing away.  Follow your telepathic signs.

Swing away.

Of course, this brings us to the most troubling portion of your experience, Coco.  Sure, you won the race, but in the end, you were the “jokey”.  Man, let me tell ya: I’ve been down that road too and we both know it ain’t no fun.  No way.  To basque in the glory of triumph, to feel the ecstasy of victory, only to realize that you are indeed the “jokey” — the one everyone is laughing at — whew.  Man, let’s just be honest, Coco, that su<ks.  And I can’t help you.

But maybe some of “yaw’ll” (a puzzling, elongated abbreviation created by Coco himself, used to represent the shortened “ya’ll” as in “you all” but taking the time to type out one extra letter) can.

barry zito giants.jpgLike Coco’s pal, Barry Zito perhaps, who after somehow ditching his dead-arm persona actually managed to throw seven innings of scoreless baseball yesterday!  Following his surprising performance, Zito had this to tweet:

F__k yeah baby! Let’s take this show on the road.

Sitting in my hotel in AZ, just ate best cab cakes ever at Cheesecake… You all are great, thanks for the nice comments…

Really wanna kill these D backs this weekend and go into Dodger series with momentum..

3 hrs sleep…
should have partied. Traces of adrenaline still in body, gonna go for a
walk before the mercury hits triples digits in AZ

F__k yeah, Barry!  I, too, am quite fond of “cab cakes”… they’re much tastier than urinal cakes and besides, they tend to be both sweet and savory!  And of course, there’s nothing quite like killing D’backs to get momentum going into Dodger stadium.  I mean, think of how scared the Dodgers will be knowing you just killed an entire baseball team!  I was wrong about you, Barry.  You aren’t a softy; you’re a hard^ss. 

But Barry, just be careful.  Those aren’t traces of adrenaline in your body; those are traces of Hilary Duff and Alyssa Milano.

The itch.  Tough to cure.  You know this.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

*Follow RSBS on Twitter *here*
 Follow Coco Crisp on Twitter *here*
 Follow Barry Zito on Twitter *here*

29 Comments

Hey, Jeff, I honestly don’t know what’s bringing me back to congratulate you on sweeping the Mets, but I am in fact saying congratulations Jeff, for your baseball team, the St. Louis Cardinals defeated the greatest baseball team in the world today, the New York Mets, by not only defeating them, but sweeping them in a three-game series. I’m not a happy camper :/ Kind of in the dumps. Eh, tomorrow at the ballpark when I’m asking the players for baseballs, I’ll feel good about yelling a bit :)

– Donnie
http://donnieanks.mlblogs.com/

Donnie — If you seriously think the Mets are the “greatest baseball team in the world today”, then your problems run much deeper than getting swept by the Cardinals. Your team played like pony leaguers. Their fundamentals are atrocious and they deserve to be in the gutter. Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right, dude ;-)
–Jeff

Hahaha. No man, I say that because they are my favorite. Calling them the best when we all know the great accomplishments of the NL really do come from the Cardinals would be a bold statement. They did play sloppy but, they do have the best team hitting average in baseball right now, how? Don’t ask me brotha. They should be WINNING, not losing. This weekend against the Nationals should be very interesting. The bottom two of the NL East…

– Donnie
http://donnieanks.mlblogs.com/

If they don’t watch out the season will be half over and they’ll still be in the basement. Manuel better right that ship… or “wright” that ship perhaps?
–Jeff

This IS comedy gold. Now that I’m following BOTH of these guys, I don’t think I can ever check Twitter during class again. That’s not the kind of laughter you can stifle easily (trust me, I just tried while reading this).
Jen
http://ajroxmywhitesox.mlblogs.com

I am so glad you tipped me off to Coco. I am endlessly amused by his tweets. Today after his 13 hours of sleep he informed everyone that he had only 1 hour of sleep last night and seeing as he went 0-4 in the game today, I believe, I think it affected him. He did however score a run, so maybe not. Barry Zito also cracks me up. I’m with Jen. It is incredibly hard not to laugh out loud when reading their ridiculous posts.
Melissa
http://clemsongirlbaseball.mlblogs.com

Wright is sucking some HUGE lollipops man. Don’t even get me started with that gentlemen.

– Donnie
http://donnieanks.mlblogs.com/

I follow both of these guys and I have to agree with Jen – it’s laugh out loud when you read them.

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

Jeffy- I really thought you valued your life more than that. I mean those are minutes you cannot get back from reading the musing of Coco and Barry. What’s next? I’m worried about you Jeffy and it’s because we care…
Tom
http://rockymountainway.mlblogs.com

Between the Coco, Zito, and Shaq twitter feeds, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do anything remotely productive ever again. Oh, and the RSBS one too, of course.
-Erin
http://plunking-gomez.mlblogs.com

Jeff- Coco Crisp’s entry reminds me of this Mitch Hedberg joke, “I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long…” I guess they don’t have much to do with each other… oh well. However, for the sheer hilarity involved, I think I’ll have to start following these guys on Twitter.
Emily
http://deconstructingthoughts.mlblogs.com/

I feel behind the times now, not following these guys, but right after I leave this comment, I will be. Seriously, what did people do before Twitter? Rhetorical question, but I guess it was tougher to find comedy this hilarious. Thanks for sharing.
Paige
http://bestof162.mlblogs.com/

Covelli’s comedy genius has been a precious gift from the heavens to me ever since his first game at the Jake in ’02. I was sitting in Section 101 and I got to hear the brilliant Mr. Crisp talking to the right-fielder, Karim Garcia, during their warmup tosses before the third inning. This is verbatim:

Coco: Hey man, you go to da pawty?
Garcia: Hmm?
Coco: You go to the pawty today?
Garcia: Today? What party? Where?
Coco: Here, in da club house.
Garcia: I didn’t go to no party in the clubhouse.
Coco: Someone went to the pawty and it STINKS!

The potty, you see. Not the party at ALL. A few months later, Garcia asked for – and was granted – his release. I think it was to get away from Coco Crisp.

http://houston.mlblogs.com

Jen — Next semester you should take a “Comedy in Life” class to remedy this problem ;-)
Melissa — The two of them combined are scary funny indeed.
Donnie — But lollipops are good, right?
Julia — Why else would we follow them? Haha.
Tom — Those are the minutes I don’t want anyway, right there with the minutes I lose from smoking. Y’feel me?
Erin — If only the RSBS Twitter feed was even close to as crazy as Coco’s… wow. Sign me up.
Emily — My favorite Hedberg line: “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be reeeeaaaaaal f***ed up!”
Paige — No kidding. Five years ago I didn’t even have a cellphone. Wi-fi? FB? MySpace? Twitter? Tiring.
Roundrock — Always wondered what happened to Karim. Now I know. Thanks.What a lively conversation!
–Jeff

Thank goodness I’ve resisted Twittering so far. As if I don’t already spend enough time blogging… :-)
Sue
Rants, Raves, and Random Thoughts

Yes, Sue… beware… it has the ability to CONSUME YOU.
–Jeff

Haha, nice. I like one of your tags: “cheap shots”.

I had to read Coco’s tweet a few times to understand what he was talking about.

Greg
Red Sox Ramblings: http://thevendahhh.mlblogs.com
http://www.twitter.com/copegjc15

Wow, those are some skills man! Poor Coco with all his problems, but at least he has you to council him in them! Funny stuff there…
http://kaybee.mlblogs.com

Greg — Yes, I’m known for the low blows, so I try to keep it real with the tag. I’ve read them many times and still don’t know what he’s talking about. I think James Shields really did him in last year. LOL.
Kaybee — Yeah, poor Coco. HA! I wish I had his problems.
–Jeff

Zito’s updates are crazy…one day, he asked something about if his short-shorts and cords were cool/retro or silly (not sure of the exact phrase here). I told him I’d need a photo to decide. Wouldn’t ya know, no picture yet…I still hold out hope :O)

Jenn
http://PhilliesPhollowers.MLBlogs.com/

Jenn — Check out his new background. Is this dude a major league bust pitcher or a major league wannabe bust rock’n’roller? you decide.
–Jeff

I’m totally going out and getting a Twitter right now so I can update all day long about things people already know or don’t care about!
http://newmexicanyanksfan.mlblogs.com

William, welcome to a new life. You’ll never be the same. Haha.
–Jeff

Lol, you must have a ton of fun going through the tweets of these guys and understandably laughing your head off at the ridiculousness of Coco.. heh..
Whether you know it or not, Jeffy, you are being suckked into the Twittermania =)
– V [ http://flairforthedramatic.mlblogs.com ]

Consider me “suckked” in, V. ;-)
–Jeff

What no LiLo reference.?
I have thought he was a joker since the WWE brawl in Fenway where he went to the matt for the dogpile. Then he complained he got some of his jeri curls pulled when it might have been the multitude of bodies just falling aorund him pulling the curls out.
I still would have liked to see Jonny Gomes or Carl crawford come up with a fistful of curls or extensions and raise them to the heavens like a Indian at Little Big Horn. But I regress.

Rays Renegade

http://raysrenegade.mlblogs.com

RR — Regress on, RR. You’re crackin’ me up, dude :-)
–Jeff

I agree with Zito on the cheesecakes in Arizona. They are the best ever.

I just ran into this blog a minute ago.

Hillarious stuff dude.
Gotta love Coco, everything down to the name.

Also if I’m not mistaken Zito had posted some odd Gingerbread Cookies humping photos on his twitter page awhile ago.

-Mike
http://taleoftwoleagues.mlblogs.com

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