The Apocalypse Wears Number 21

dontrelle willis.jpgMaybe Dick Cheney is right.  We’re all gonna die.  And soon.

Dear readers, the end-time omens are racking up: the Toronto Blue Jays are atop the AL East; Wanda Sykes is somehow relevant; and Dontrelle Willis is back in the big leagues.

That’s right, folks.  D-Train (or “Big Black Baby Jesus” as my Tiger-lovin’ colleague, Mr. Krause, likes to call him) has crawled his way back into Detroit’s starting rotation.  And on Wednesday, we will all get the chance to see (and perhaps mock) the pitcher he has become after his long soul searching journey to recapture the glory days of 2003 and 2005.

In other words: we are all going to die.

Because, in my humble yet accurate opinion, Willis lost it a long time ago.

Remember last year when he went 0-2 with a 9.38 ERA and walked half of US America?

I do.

Okay, so he’s gone 25 2/3 innings with a 3.85 ERA in the minors this year.  Well, lahdy frickin’ dah.  If Willis really has rediscovered himself, he should be putting up lights out numbers against the young’ins down on the farm.  Instead, Tigers’ skipper Jim Leyland is calling him up because:


“He’s throwing pretty much around the plate all the time…”
 (MLB Story Link)

Pretty much around the plate.  Hm.  Okay.  Well, that sounds like a perfectly good reason to throw him back into the lions den and, you know, hope for the best.  I mean, Rick Ankiel threw “pretty much around the plate” during the 2000 playoffs.  So did I during my legion ball days of the mid 90s.  Hell, my little sister could throw “pretty much around the plate” if it had a picture of Zac Efron on it.

At least D-Train has the right lackadaisical attitude going into his first start of the year:


“There are worse things than playing baseball, you know?”
(Morning Call Story Link)

Yes, you are correct, Dontrelle.  There are worse things than playing baseball… like not being able to find the strike zone while playing baseball or doing shots with Amy Winehouse at an open bar or admitting that Dick Cheney may have a point.

In this case, I’m going to hope that I’m wrong… just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

14 Comments

I love your ability to find a way to work in Miss South Carolina every entry. It’s impressive.
I hope the D-Train channels 2008 especially when playing the Indians.
Melissa
http://clemsongirlbaseball.mlblogs.com

I will pray that they end comes swiftly and painlessly.

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

If he’s coming back, can he pitch every game against the White Sox so MAYBE they can get some hit and win a game or two? That’d be nice. Although I think every Quentin at-bat would end up with him being hit, and eventually Carlos might charge the mound. Which would be entertaining but potentially detrimental in the long run. :)
Jen
http://ajroxmywhitesox.mlblogs.com

Melissa — Thanks. Ms. SC and I have a special bond…and the Iraq cuz they don’t have maps and such as.
Julia — Maybe we should pray it doesn’t come at all.
Jen — Every team in the Majors will be licking their chops… Sox get to play them more being in the same division and all. Hope it works to their advantage.
–Jeff

Jeff- Considering that you’re usually never wrong, I can only hope that with the Rockies playing Detroit in the next week and a half, that Willis plays with the same 2008esque style that he has. Of course… that’s if he’s still in the rotation come a week and a half.
Emily
http://deconstructingthoughts.mlblogs.com/
Oh, and if you’re wrong… you now have a large debt for getting my hopes up. ;-)

Oh, I’m sure the Twins’ offense will go out of their way to make the D-Train look like Cy Young. Scoring runs makes opposing pitchers feel bad about themselves.
-Erin
http://plunking-gomez.mlblogs.com

W-L records and ERA mean very little to me, especially in the minor leagues. And let’s be honest – Jim Leyland certainly has no idea how a minor leaguer is pitching, and he most assuredly doesn’t make the decisions on who gets called up and who doesn’t. If he does, the Tigers are in more trouble than I’d ever imagined.

Of far greater concern should be Dontrelle’s peripherals. His WHIP is a tidy 1.263, which isn’t awful, but the only level at which he’s had what might even roughly be considered a decent sample size is Triple-A Toledo, where it was a 1.459. He’s only striking out 5.7 per 9 IP, and walking 3.2 – again, in Toledo, it’s 5.8 and 4.4, respectively. Those numbers are actually both worse than even his 2008 numbers. The Rick Ankiel analogy doesn’t seem so far off.

The scariest part is that he’s doing it with a miraculously-lucky BABIP. His FIP (Fielding-Independent Pitching, think of it like ERA) is 4.62 at Toledo. It boggles the mind how anyone can think that he is a major league pitcher right now.

http://houston.mlblogs.com

Emily — Looks like your Rox are gonna have a HR party. Believe that.
Erin — If only D-Train was exclusively used against the Twins. You must be in a lot of pain right now.
Roundrock — Glad we agree. Though I am not well-spoken in the language of stats, I appreciate those numbers you threw up there. Makes me feel like I might actually know what I’m talking about from time to time.
–Jeff

I’m a sucker for a comeback story, so I hope he pitches a no-hitter! (Sorry, Erin.)

- http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

Uh oh, Jane, dem’s fightin’ words!
–Jeff

I’m waiting for the second paragraph of your entry to be next week’s “Sign of the Apocalypse” in Sports Illustrated.
Paige
http://bestof162.mlblogs.com

Paige, if it does, then Iz better getz paid!
–Jeff

What you talkin about Willis? I remember when that guy was gonna be the next 300 games winner with a career to stretch the ages. Hmm, yeah, I have to echo Emily in I hope he doesn’t have his A-game when playing Colorado and he throws around the plate. Sounds like a good stategy to me.
Tom
http://rockymountainway.mlblogs.com

Tom — He hasn’t had his A-game but twice in his career (’03 and ’05)… in both cases, that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
–Jeff

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