Beating Down a Dead Horse
“I regret that there are idiots in the world, that’s what I regret.”
–Milton Bradley on his experience with Cubs fans in 2009
Me too, Milton. Me too.
And let’s face it. Cubs fans can be brutal — check that — are brutal.
In fact, I used to think that Cubs fans couldn’t hate anyone more than they hate(d) Jacque Jones.
Then along came Milton.
Bradley that is, with his $30 million contract, unfettered crybaby
angst and a mind-blowing 35 RBIs through more than two thirds of the
season. Wooing boos by not knowing how many outs there are in a
particular inning, by striking out looking with the game on the line
and by just plain lollygaggin’, Milton certainly does it all. Now that’s a fella who is truly hated at the Friendly Confines.
at least he seems to have a sense of humor about it, albeit an
insensitive, mildly inappropriate one. After the lowly Washington
Nationals lit up the Cubs on Tuesday night, Bradley told ESPN Chicago:
“We got a Rodney King beatdown tonight.”
Okay, Milton. Sure, that was an ugly game and you are having
an ugly season, but already being the king of Chicago controversy,
couldn’t you have used a less compromising analogy? To illustrate, we
at RSBS put our best intern to work and he came up with the following alternatives:
“We got a Barack Obama-on-John McCain beatdown tonight.”
Well, coming from Sen. Reid, this biased (albeit true) analogy is a bit expected.
“We got a Jesus Christ beatdown tonight.”
Er, yeah… okay. No argument here. I mean, I did see The Passion of the Christ. That was uber-ugly.
“We got a Clint Malarchuk beatdown tonight.”
Now that was more of a slashing than a beatdown; still, it will make you puke.
“We got a Mr. Lung beatdown tonight.”
Ah, yes. Now we’re talking. ‘Cuz if you are even halfway familiar with the bitter goings on of RSBS, you know that I, Mr. Lung, destroy Mr. Krause in every and all debate because, quite frankly, I am always right and he is always off gallivanting in his own little fantasy world where people actually care about what he might have to say.
course, these are all sufficient alternatives for our dear friend
Milton to use the next time he needs to highlight his ineffectiveness
with colorful language; but I believe the best, most succinct way of
getting his point across — the point that the Cubs just aren’t any
good — would be to quite simply say:
“We got a Milton Bradley beatdown tonight.”
no other statement carries as much ‘beatdown’ weight as the above.
Beaten down like Bradley has been by Wrigley Field bleacher bums.
Beaten down like Bradley has been by fed-up umpires. Beaten down like
Bradley’s abysmal stats and his overall reputation (did he ever have a
good one to begin with?).
The only Milton Bradley thing that
looks good these days is his bank account. And if you listen closely,
you can probably still hear him laughing.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.