Kalamazoo Conspiracy

kalamazoo college logo.jpg“Secrecy, once accepted, becomes an addiction.”
–Edward Teller

Fear not, my dear and trusted readers, for I also feel the sentiment of pain and worry caused by Mr. Krause’s latest right-field reclamation.  While it is common for seedy men in prominent positions of power to manipulate their stances on a particular subject in order to woo the masses, this one goes far and beyond being just a simple cause for alarm. 

One minute Mr. Krause is doling out his undying hatred for the “evil” Yankees; the next he’s praising New York’s golden boy, Derek Jeter (nice work on catching Lou Gehrig, by the way).  And the worst part about it?  He substantiates his softness by claiming the “Kalamazoo” connection.

Fooey.

To get to the heart of this conspiracy, the RSBS interns and I have toiled hard to unlock the mystery of Mr. Krause’s secrecy.  So just go with me here…

Kalamazoo.  While this is the city where Mr. Krause and I first met and became friends, this is also close to the home of a minor league baseball team: the West Michigan Whitecaps, affiliate of the Detroit Tigers.

Tigers.
  This is the team Mr. Krause supposedly loves.  This is the team that was defeated by the St. Louis Cardinals in the 2006 World Series.  This is the team synonymous with backwoods alcoholic racists.  This is the team that lost 119 games in 2003. 

119.
  If you add up the individual digits of this atrocious number, you will get 11.  The word “eleven” has six letters in it, three of them “e”s, eerily akin to the word “seethe”!

Seethe.  If anyone has the ability to foam at the mouth from agitation, it is Mr. Krause.  Some would even call him a shape-shifter — like he showed us in his last video, which proved he has a special place in his heart for Colby Rasmus (and cross-dressing).

Colby Rasmus/Cross-Dressing.
  Only in Mr. Krause’s world does this combination sound like a great way to spend a Friday night.  And Al loves Fridays. 

Fridays.  If you are a woman and you go on a date with Mr. Krause, this is where you will go.  This is Al’s place to spend big.  Pay special attention to his overbearing recommendations of anything and everything from the “Jack Daniel’s Grill” menu.  Al loves him some Jack Daniel’s.

Jack Daniel’s.  This is the only key you need to unlock Mr. Krause’s mind.

derek jeter crying.jpgMr. Krause’s Mind.  Der-ek Je-ter *clap-clap-clap-clap-clap*… Der-ek Je-ter *clap-clap-clap-clap-clap*… Der-ek Je-ter *clap-clap-clap-clap-clap*

Yes, folks, that is what Al was trying to say.

He loves Derek Jeter. 

Unconditionally.

Forever.

And ever.

And if Ozzie Guillen can kiss a dude then I have absolutely no problem with Al lovin’ on Jeet.  Just come out and say it; and don’t blame it on geography.

Hate me ‘cuz I pull back the layers, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

13 Comments

Jeff:

Allen is some weird dude.

I gotta tell you tht.

the Seawolves a AA affiliate of the Tigers is 30 min away from where I live.

I go to games every once in awhile and have actually played on the Seawolves field =)

Great place it is!!

Allen’s mind “Dang, I wish I could like the Cards like Jeff, They are so much better than the Tigers!!”

So true, so true. haha.

–Ted “TTW/T”

http://tribewithted.mlblogs.com/

Ouch. Now Allen’s dating secrets are out. You’re spoiling it for all the girls! LOL!
It’s ok if he shows some love for Jeet…could do a whole lot worse!
Ginny
http://watercooler.mlblogs.com

Everybody should have at least a little love for Jeet… I think Al’s entitled. Dressing up as a girl and proclaiming his undying love for Colby Rasmus on the other hand… not so much.

– Lisa
http://perennialpinstriper.mlblogs.com/

I made a special post for you Jeff.
http://taleoftwoleagues.mlblogs.com

I would have thought it would have taken tequila to get him to crack.

Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/

Jeff.. you’re sic.. just awesome with the pen. And… Colby must be incredibly proud of his fan base : ) Nice post.

Buz – http://buzblog.mlblogs.com/

Kalamazoo…Damn it. How could I have not seen the truth? It explains it all.
Tom
http://rockymountainway.mlblogs.com

The Whitecaps in K-Z00? I think they’re up north just a bit in Grand Rapids (or ‘Comstock Park’ if ya wanna be all Rand McNally). Don’t hate on the Kalamazoo Kings of the Frontier League, it’s better than anything we have way up here in the U.P. If Kalamazoo and Battle Creek could get along, you’d still have the Battle Cats or a variation there of (as long as they didn’t name the team after the old Kalamazoo Kazoos-egad). You can check out my blog to see pics of the Kings at TC.
Mike
http://burrilltalksbaseball.mlblogs.com

Nothing Nuclear Ozzie and Jon Garland did could compare with the disturbing nature of the Bill Belichick-Bill Parcells photo:
http://www.imarc.net/examples/communique/parcells_belichick.jpg

It makes one wonder what exactly was going on during the late-night skull sessions as the duo worked together for all those many years.
http://www.paullebowitz.com/

Ted – You’re not far off, I’m sure.
Ginny – You’re right, like love on Sergio Mitre.
Lisa – Colby reminds me of a young Jeet with power, so maybe Al has a thing for young, spry fellas w/ talent.
ToTL – I know. Next time, if you wanna quote me, why don’t ya link to my blog too? That’s just common courtesy.
Julia – Tequila makes him FIGHT!
Buz – Thanks, man!
Mike – Fixed.
Prince – Yeah, there’s a lot goin’ on there that we don’t wanna know about.
–Jeff

Oh, and Tom (sorry I left ya out on accident there), Kalamazoo holds a lot of secrets… ones I won’t share here. Al might kill me.
–Jeff

I agree with Ginny and Lisa, of course: Al could do a lot worse than have a man crush on Jeter. How would you feel if he proclaimed his love for, say, Albert Pujols? Now that would trigger a cat fight I wouldn’t want to miss.

http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

Jane — AP’s mine. ALL MINE!
–Jeff

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