A Call for a Ban on Crappy Nicknames
Oh jeez.
In 2005, the St. Louis Cardinals called up a 27 year-old lifetime minor leauger to get his first hacks at the big league level. That man’s name was John Rodriguez.
Don’t remember him? No worries. Most people don’t.
Mr. Rodriguez came on pretty strong during his brief glimpse of the Majors, hitting .295 with 5 HRs and 24 RBI in 149 at-bats. The folks in St. Louis liked him and his cinderella story so much that someone decided to grace Mr. Rodriguez with the nickname: J-Rod (a la A-Rod, K-Rod, YourMom-Rod, et al).
J-Rod *ahem* wasn’t a fan of the name. Why? Maybe because he wasn’t A-Rod! To be honest, he wasn’t anywhere close to being an A-Rod type player. His greatest downfall was was being born with the same easily nicknameable name as poster boy Alex while also having a first initial that contained just one syllable (you see, W-Rod would never work).
Flash forward to December 7th, 2009 and my trusty misanthrope of a colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, deigns us with the phonetically challenged nickname “Pla-Po” for his beloved (and now long gone from Detroit) Placido Polanco.
Pla-Po? Are you kidding me? How is that even pronounced? PLAY-Poh? Plah-POH? Ah, forget it; all I know is that it sucks.
So, please know, Mr. Krause, that from now on we are calling for a complete ban on poorly constructed nicknames, specifically on those you created. For those of you dear readers unaware, the following Krausian nicknames shall no longer be used, under any circumstances, lest you wish the worst on the baseball-politico community:
- Matt Holliday – Ma-Ho
- Barack & Michelle Obama – Bachelle
- Albert Pujols – A-Jols (read “A-Holes”)
- Dick Cheney – Dick-Chin
- Pablo Sandoval – P-Sand
- Harry Reid & Nancy Pelosi — Harry Nancy
- Carlisle Littlejohn – C-Lit
- Michael Cuddyer – Mi-Cudd
- Ann Coulter – ‘Lil Beotch (it should be “Big Beotch”)
- Kevin Youkilis – K.Y. Kill-Us
And of course, let us not forget to mention the ongoing ban against one of the crappiest nicknames of all time, also penned by Mr. Krause, for his dilapidated Mo-Town Tigers team:
Winners.
‘Cuz unless finishing the AL Central in second place qualifies you as a ‘winner’, then this just needs to stop.
Hate me ‘cuz I’m brash, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Peace,
Jeff
Red State Blue State
K.Y. Kill-Us…Hmmm…I like the “Kill Us” idea, if the “us” is the opponent, but K.Y.? Not so much. We’ll stick with “Youk”, “Youk Dog”, etc.! (How will KY Jelly kill us, after all?)
Harry Nancy, eh? Sounds like a caveman version of the illustrious Speaker…
Maybe Harry Nancy can be re-titled “Your Hirsuteness”…
Jeff,
I know I call that balkd-headed member of the Red Sox Nation Kevin U-Kill-us because we get to see that mug 17 times a year.
But there are some good nicknames still present in the MLB.
I still love “Zorilla” for Ben Zobrist for the way he burst on the MLB scene to the rest of you in 2009. We always knew he had the right stuff. That is why he was “Benzo” before Rays Manager Joe Maddon popped the “Zorilla” on him.
Even if a true zorilla is a little striped polecat found in west and south Africa.
Ahhh, research can make these names better (lol).
Rays Renegade
http://raysrenegade.mlblogs.com
I kinda like Dick-Chin…..
Julia
http://werbiefitz.mlblogs.com/
Hmm… Allen would come up with something like “A-Jols.” He’s just jealous that the Cardinals are the superior team.
Emily
http://deconstructingthoughts.mlblogs.com/
Greg — Actually, for many people, KY makes it a more pleasurable experience
And I’m all for “Your Hirsuteness”… if I can figure out what it means 
RR — Zorilla beat Benzo any day, man! And thanks for the research. I had no idea it was a real animal!
Julia — Hehe… it makes me chuckle, I cannot lie.
–Jeff
Emmy — He IS jealous! You know it! And the Cardinals are superior. See 2006 for more info
–Jeff
Jeff, “hirsute” means “hairy”–nothing more. Hence “Harry Nancy”…also, ergo, the caveman reference (perhaps Victor, Renegade’s interview topic).
Hmmm!…
But the funny thing to me, as one who (like you) likes to turn words around, is that it sounds like a word that would be in a Monty Python royal proclamation (“Hear ye, hear ye, forsooth hirsute…ah, whatever…)
As for KY Kill You, perhaps that experience would be the “death” of you?
BRILLIANT! GREG! NOW LET US GO CLIMB MT. KILIMANJARO, CHAP! Which one, Sir?
–Jeff
Go forth and conquer Mt. Kilamanjaro, Your Hirsuteness! Thence we shall sally forth to Mt Rushmore! Off with his, er, their heads!
So are you saying that you like Travis Hafners nickname. What does he call himself? Kronk or Krunk?
Hehe. Freak, I believe the correct term is “Pronk” and, well, let’s just say it sounds like he looks: ugly.
–Jeff
Yeah, Mike (thefreak) is right: Pronk is pretty bad. But as for Allen’s nicknames, A-Jols is hilarious.
- http://janeheller.mlblogs.com
Al thinks so too, Jane
–Jeff