A Triumvirate of Candidates to Succeed King Bud

lenin mickey mouse jesus.jpgBy now everyone knows that the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball will get a fresh face in 2012 (conveniently, that is the year we’re all gonna die anyway).  But just in case those thousand year old destruction theories are not accurate, let us start to think about who might be able to save baseball from another passive, tyrannical reign after King Bud Selig has gone fishing.  Because as my oft cantankerous colleague, Mr. Krause, points out, King Bud dropped the ball.

To me, there are only three viable candidates.  They are presented here (above right).  In bronze.  I think.

Two of them are dead and one of them is forever young (albeit in 2-D).

Verily, they would all be adequate replacements at the top of the grandest game on earth.

- – -

Candidate #1:
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
Bolshevik Leader, Marxist, Revolutionary, Head of State

What’s wrong, Matt Holliday?  Five years guaranteed at $16 million ain’t enough?  Fine then.  Mr. Holliday, you’ll be making the same salary as Wilson Betemit… if Wilson even has a job.  Luxury tax?  There ain’t no luxury tax.  Proposed salary cap?  Yeah, propose this: everybody makes the same amount of money.  No matter what.  You don’t like it?  Then die.  Die.  Just die!

- – -

Candidate #2:
Mickey Mouse
Talking Rodent, Steamboat Captain, World Icon, Clubhouse Leader

Woo-hoo!  Baseball!  Woo-hoo!  Baseball!  Woo-hoo!  Pine tar!

- – -

Candidate #3:
thumbs up jesus.jpgJesus of Nazareth
Son of “God”, Hipster, Smooth-Talker, a.k.a. The Christ

What shall it profit a man if he gains the homerun record but loses his soul to ‘roids?  For everyone who refrains from untucking his shirt after winning a game (talkin’ to you, Brewers) himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.  I say, I’ve fed his sheep. Now I’ll tend to them, … tend to my sheep.

- – -

Tend… these… sheep.  Somebody.  King Bud didn’t do a great job at tending his sheep.  Somebody.  Somebody just tend these goddamn sheep!

Please.

And while you’re at it, don’t hate me.

‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Top image courtesy of Transgressor)

14 Comments

Good post, I especially liked “conveniently we will all die then” and the first candidate as well.

http://www.statisticianmagician.com/

I definitely vote for Mickey Mouse. (Just as long as he bring Donald Duck with him). But it really will be weird with anybody besides Selig there. He’s had the power for my entire life.
-Ellie
http://mrmetbro.blogspot.com

Well Jeff. Ethier way I am looking forward to 2012!
.
“Regarding your post in Jenn’s blog:
When I was living in L.A. just a few years ago I could still get bleacher tix for $12 a piece… haven’t seen anything that cheap anywhere since and I doubt even the Dodgers offer that ticket anymore. ”

You can still buy inexpensive tickets at Dodger Stadium. In 2009, Left Field Pavilion tickets went for $9 if bought in advanced and $13 for a game day price. Season ticket in that area were sold for $8 and mini packages for $10. Top Deck tickets are the cheapest at $7 for same day game price. Top Deck season tickets for $4 a ticket so there is still a bargain. Now you know food and parking can cost you more than that but you can always park around the Ravine and bring food if you wish.
Emma
http://crzblue.mlblogs.com/

Joe — Lenin would get my vote too… some (Andre Dawson and Jack Morris for starters) might say that Lenin WAS in charge during the collusion era.
Ellie — First time RSBS commentor… you get a virtual *fist bump*. Welcome. Donald Duck is actually busy running the NHL if you haven’t noticed. LOL.
Emma — That’s great to know! When I lived there I spent a lot of time at Dodger Stadium. That was during the Gagne streak and my favorite player to watch was Adrian Beltre. Ah, how times have changed…
–Jeff

Humorous as always. But do you really think Jesus wouldn’t like the untucked shirts? Come on, if that guy didn’t have that long robe to lift up, he’d be untucking after every miracle– dude’s got great abs!
http://mccarpie.mlblogs.com

Carpie — I’m sure Jesus had great abs. Also pretty sure he was humble enough to not untuck. Have to ask Mary Magdalene to be sure though. LOL.
–Jeff

What about me? Although I don’t think I could match the Bud Selig brand of chaos because his is unintentional anarchy, but I could try.
http://www.princeofny.blogspot.com/

Prince, it this satirical proposal, I thought it best to keep you out of it… though you’re right, any one of us could probably probably match the flub-fest that has been Selig’s reign.
–Jeff

It’s a tough decision! I think I’m leaning towards Mickey Mouse. It certainly will be interesting to see how it goes after Selig leaves the throne. “Conveniently, we’re going to die then anyway,” so we shouldn’t have to worry.
Thanks for some more laughs,

-AL
http://fryingpan.mlblogs.com/

I’m going with Jesus. Maybe he can make Mickey Mantle rise from the dead.

- http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

TRIUMVIRATE! love the word. hear it alot. in reference to one of my favorite bands, Rush. and just last night the announcers called Kevin Jones, Da’Sean Butler and Devin Ebanks, the three core WVU basketball players, the triumvirate. great word. gotta add it to my arsenal of vocabulary

http://pittpeas.mlblogs.com

AL — And I guess since we’re all gonna die in a couple years anyway, the Cubs are really sunk at trying to dispel that Curse. LOL.
Jane — If he can do that, even I’ll become a believer.
Matt — Right up there with “nefarious”, “pedantic” and “Pujols” as my favorite words of all time ;-)
–Jeff

My vote goes for Lenin. Maybe he’ll strip this game down of all the nonsensical minutia it’s cluttered with and we can get back to the game. He would force every player into a mandatory test line, literally. Every MLB player would be lined up single file and tested. Options? Be traded to the Siberian Work Camps Traveling team. Having to sit through The Little Mermaid clips between innings would make us long for Selig. Jesus, I’d imaging could hit a curveball, so he’s cool with me.
You guys are too much> had to pull the trolley over cause i was LMAO. It’s about time we put a toe tag on his tenure.
mike.

http://theBrooklynTrolleyBlogger.mlblogs.com/

We’re with ya… I like your ideas. Off to the work camps!!!
–Jeff

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