And then I will run across a headline, like this one on MLB.com, and realize that all of my spew is actually rim-shot-worthy material just writing itself at tremendous speed. The part I play is actually quite minuscule as I am merely an ebullient conduit for said spew. Any negative repercussions are clearly someone else’s fault (I’m the oldest of seven kids, so I’m an expert at redirecting blame).
But to be perfectly clear, I do not want to be the Matt Drudge of Major League Baseball — one who takes simple news stories with rigid headlines and turns them into bits of sultry, one-sided crap by reconstructing their titles with right wing conservative Christian buzz words in large red font with quotation marks ad nauseum (this is also known as fear mongering). If I may be trite, a news story is what it is.
And the Royals are what they are, with or without my chiding.
So let’s face it: the Royals are an abomination. They may not be on the exact level of abomination as the Pirates, but they are close behind. Just look at the rosters for those two intrasquad teams mentioned in the linked article:
Team 1: Scott Podsednik, LF; Chris Getz, 2B; David DeJesus, RF;
Josh Fields, 3B; Rick Ankiel, CF; Alberto Callaspo, 2B; Wilson Betemit,
DH; Ernesto Mejia, 1B; Brayan Pena, C.
Team 2: Mitch Maier, LF; Jason Kendall, C; Billy Butler, 1B;
Jose Guillen, RF; Alex Gordon, 3B; Scott Thorman, DH; Mike Aviles, 2B;
Brian Anderson, CF; Yuniesky Betancourt, SS.
Now, tell me you aren’t laughing as hard as I am.
Was that a bit harsh?
I don’t know. Isn’t it a bit harsh on the five or six fans left in Kansas City to know that their big offseason acquisitions include an old guy who used to run well, a walking concussion who can’t hit a breaking ball and another old guy who… well, okay, Jason Kendall might teach those kids something… but Wilson Betemit!?! WTF!?!?
All jokes aside, I can tell you this: there was a time when Royals baseball invoked fear in the minds of all opponents. Nowadays the only thing invoked by the Kansas City Royals is a quick change of the channel.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Thank you CNN! After writing you off based on Wolf Blitzer’s pathetic yet oddly narcissistic pandering, Larry King’s flatulent foibles and a sense that your best days ended right around the same time as the first Gulf War, you finally managed to pull out some reporting that appeals to me.
Now, perhaps I’m just as guilty as Mr. Blitzer in that this article panders to the narcissistic aspects of my nature. But I’d still like to believe that it’s true. Despite committing a basic logical fallacy by implying a reverse correlation which may not actually exist, I still think it stands to reason that if higher IQ leads to liberalism and atheism, the fact that I am liberal and atheist means that my IQ is above normal.
Unfortunately, this correlation would have to work in another way as well. For instance, as we have seen many times in these pages, I am a baseball liberal while Jeff is an uber-conservative. If it were up to him, baseball players would still wear wool uniforms and use the outfield between innings as prime grazing land for their prize herds of goats. Although quaint and charming, these ideas also lead us to assume that perhaps Jeff was hit in the head with a baseball one too many times as a child.
One final point. The article mentions sexual exclusivity as being another trait common to men with higher IQs. And while no one would ever claim that Jeff had feelings for another NL team, he is a self-professed White Sox dilettante making him a bigamist at best. Me, I bleed Tiger blue and often experience stigmata in the shape of an old English “D.” I am faithful to the Tigers to the point of willful ignorance concerning the other 31 or however many teams there are in Major League Baseball. Maybe you’re not impressed but that’s a level even a Fox News anchor would struggle to achieve.