April 2010

Even More Freakazoids & Oddities: The Always Venerable, Mostly Searchable RSBS

freakazoid.jpgMr. Krause and I have a pretty high reputation to maintain.  Often times we are called upon to give the people what they want, when they want it, at the level at which they want it.  Whether that means providing hot pics of Erin Andrews, hot pics of Heidi DeRosa (yes, Mark DeRosa’s wife) or hot pics of Albert Puj– I mean, hot pics of Jenna Fischer, we do what we gotta do.

But we don’t beat our wives.

Because we don’t have wives.

But if we did have wives, we would not beat them.

I mean, if I did have a wife, I would not beat her.

Unfortunately, I cannot speak on behalf of my colleague, the nefarious and oft-jaded Mr. Krause.  But until he speaks out for himself, we at RSBS (the interns included) will certainly continue on the path towards the truth… so when you search for something, we can provide the answer… sorta.

Recent RSBS Keyword Search Analysis (click to enlarge):

rsbs keyword search screenshot wife beating.JPG

Hate us ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate us ‘cuz we’re right.

Peace,

Jeff

RSBS Presents: Great Moments in Republican Hip-Hop

boombox_lincoln.jpgThe GOP forged its reputation on many great endeavors.  Lincoln freed the slaves and then battled to keep the Union together.  Reagan took the policy of containment and extended it to the point that the Soviet Union finally collapsed in on itself.

However, despite victories in these areas, the Republicans need to remember that there are other fields in which their skills just don’t quite pan out.  In honor of this fact, and perhaps in memoriam, RSBS presents great moments in Republican hip-hop.

MC Rove
If there is one moment that could be termed “the” defining moment in Republican hip-hop, it would have to be Karl Rove’s performance at the 2007 Correspondent’s Dinner in DC.  Between the dance moves and the attempt at ill (but mainly just ill-fated) rhyming, Rove set the standard by which all GOP rappers will be judged:


No Taxation Without Representation

Although the Tea Party movement claims no affiliation with the Republican party, most of its members are disaffected defectors from the GOP.  Where the Republicans dislike taxes, though, the TPers downright abhor them.  That feeling led to this memorable moment:

http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=10969400&server=vimeo.com&show_title=1&show_byline=1&show_portrait=0&color=&fullscreen=1

Untitled from elizabeth glover on Vimeo.


Hi-Calibre

How about I just let, uh, Mr. Calibre (?) explain it himself:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/swf/TheDailyBeastVideoPlayer.swf

So there you have it.  The party of Lincoln becomes the party of Linkin Park.  What do you expect, though?  The Democrats already have dibs on Jay-Z and the Black-Eyed Peas so the Republicans had to make due with what was left.  Hey, at least they have Pat Boone!

-A

The Filibuster

You guys make a lot of Bud Selig’s poor management of MLB.  If you could
take his place for one day and make one change, what would you change
and how do you think it would alter the game?

Harrison
Pontiac,
MI
____________________________________

bud selig picking nose.jpgAww, gee, Harrison (insert overwhelming use of sarcasm), thanks a lot.  I only get one day and one change?  What’s the point?  You know this: It’s gonna take a lot more than just one day and one change to correct the myriad wrongs laid down by King Bud over the past 18 years.

Is it realistic to ban the Cardinals from losing 20 inning games?  No?  How about simply getting rid of the Royals franchise?  No?  Okay.  What about forcing opposing pitchers to only offer breaking balls in the dirt to Alfonso Soriano?  Fine.

Then I guess I would have to consider one of the obvious:

  • stop making it (the All-Star Game) “count” for anything other than a celebration of the best in the game
  • shorten spring training
  • eliminate the plethora of off-days during the playoffs
  • change the schedule back to 154 games
  • sew Barry Bonds’ mouth shut forever and ever, amen

But to be honest, none of the above would be worthy of my one day and my one change.  No.  If I only get one then I’m gonna focus on what’s really wrong with the game and fix that as soon as possible.  What would I do?

Allow MLB ballparks to serve beer after the 7th inning.

Imagine being at that 20 inning game on Saturday, soberly watching in extras, thirsty, parched, dried up… brat in hand but no suds to wash it down.  That, dear readers, is simply unacceptable.

Tragic. 

beer.JPGAnd it goes well beyond the frustration of watching a game go past nine innings without the comforts of a cold, frosty one.  Think about it: if you are really so blasted from drinking beer during the game, is that one and a half to two innings of sobriety really going to make it okay for you to operate a vehicle? 

No. 

If you are really that wasted from drinking beer during the game should you be driving home anyway?

Hell no.

Here’s what we do: tell everyone to drink responsibly.  People are or aren’t going to do that anyway, whether you serve beer after the 7th inning or not.

So please stop punishing me after the 7th inning.  Often times those last couple innings are the ones where I need the numbing powers of alcohol the most!  

Move over, Bud.  Let me make this change. 

Otherwise I’ll be forced to continue double-fisting when they holler out “last call”.

Hate me ‘cuz I finally bring logic to the discussion, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not
together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at
kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Images of King Bud in a dress also welcome. They exist. Trust us.

Flu-Like Symptoms

Do you ever read a report of a player missing a game with “flu-like symptoms” and wonder what that really means?  Well, wonder no more.  Chan Ho Park takes us deep inside baseball like only someone who speaks English as a second language can and shines a light on a dark corner of sports reporting. 

Ok, so explain this one more time.  Why did you miss the game?

Happy Saturday!

-A

Losing to the LOLstros

hunter pence LOLstros.jpgAs a proud paragon of Redbird loyalism, I still pompously refuse to forgive and forget the awful defeat handed to us by the Houston Astros during the 2005 NLCS.  That… was… awful.  I think I went on a two week bender.

I don’t remember.

But I do remember one thing: I do not like the Astros.  So you can imagine my grief, dear readers, as I watched their bid for an 0-162 season come to an end on Thursday… again, against the St. Louis Cardinals.

WTF IS IT THAT MAKES BUD NORRIS SO UNHITTABLE TO THE BIRDS ON THE BAT?!? EH!?!? WELL!?!?!

Whatever.

That one little win (their first win) is just that: one little win.  It doesn’t change the fact that the Astros suck. 

So yeah.

And it’s times like these — when jaded, seething, vexed — that I turn to Japan… for a little glimpse of happy time:

Ah… nothin’ makes me smile like a psilocybin-fueled walking canine with a crowned doll head pushing doggie treats to unmonitored and impressionable little kids.

Happy Friday, Y’all!

Jeff

*Special thanks to Shan for coining (and sharing) the term “LOLstros”, which is effing hilarious (and true). You can follow her on Twitter here: @Shan_Cake

The Hand Skills Game

selig_umps_allstar.jpgFor a blog that purports to cover baseball and politics, we have been sadly remiss in following up on the great health care debate.  Sure, we paid attention as the package finally came to a vote and at least mentioned the outcome.  But what do we really think?

Well, these things take time to ponder.  And considering that this debate has been going on since at least WWII, the couple weeks we took to think it through isn’t so bad.  It’s an interesting bill especially because no one is really happy.  It’s the Congressional equivalent of the 2002 All-Star Game.  There were triumphant moments, there were awful moments and, in the end, everyone left just kind of feeling a little empty.  The left thinks it didn’t go far enough and the right thinks it’s Armageddon.  So what’s the truth?

I could try and explain the positives and negatives of the bill in my own words but Frank Rich already nailed the essence of what I could say in a column from a few weeks ago.  And since there’s not a whole lot I can add to that, let me just say this.  Whether you like the bill or not, this is a huge victory for Obama.  The Republicans can stake the 2010 midterms on their opposition to the bill and their intentions to repeal it but how are you going to explain that you want to reinstate language for pre-existing conditions into health coverage?  Because, let’s be honest, that’s what the debate is going to boil down to. 

Perhaps it would be easier if I could represent Obama’s victory to you in a more visual manner.  So, maybe this will help.  Pretend that the guy making the video is President Obama and Enton Gill is the Congressional Republicans.  Watch the video and you’ll see what I mean:

I imagine the Republicans will have a similar reaction when they finally open their eyes.

-A

You’ll Go Blind; So What

david paterson smiling.jpgFear not, dear readers, for the scare huckin’ shadow casting done by my chiding and oft misleading colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, is nothing more than seductive pomp and circumstance meant to dissuade you from the truth!  Sure, sure… the Republicans are transitioning into the high profile sex game.  So what?  It’s about time they join the proverbial party (DNC approved or not) because to be honest, the political sex scene could use some old spice (pun intended).  But there is no way in Congressional hell (it’s a lot like Ames, IA only less corn) that the Republicans are stealing the show.

And that’s the thing.  Ya see, the Democrats are still gettin’ their sexy on, it’s just that we’ve seen so much of it in recent years that it’s simply boring to us now (think John “You Are the Father” Edwards).  I mean, New York Congressman Eric Massa is doing so many inappropriate things to so many different people that the best thing for him right now would probably be to grab an adult magazine and cool out it in a truck stop restroom for a few days… wait.  No.  That’s a bad idea.  Bad, bad, bad idea.

But, seriously, if all these politicians just learned to take out their “frustrations” on themselves (privately, of course) rather than act out on others, maybe our government would be just a little more productive.  We live in the 21st century, people.  All kinds of new, innovative stuff exists for no other reason than to get us those happy endings!  So what if we all go blind… now the goods come in braille!  What do we need our eyes for!?!? Eh!?!?

Whew.  Okay.  That may have been the longest introduction to a main point ever, but it had to be done.  I have no regrets.

And in case you are wondering what the actual point of this piece is, well, it is simply to inform you that a braille book on the history of the Chicago Cubs franchise is also in the works.  The rumored list price is nowhere near the 150 Pounds Sterling it will cost you to get one of those braille p0rno books, but that is simply because the Cubs history book consists of just… one… letter:

L

Hate me ‘cuz I gitz long-winded, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy!

FOX Asks the Question, Republicans Respond

fox_privates.jpgSometimes the world turns inside out.  Normally, we expect our sports stars to hit the strip clubs and get rowdy while our politicos throw good money after bad. If you’ve been paying attention the last month or so, though, you saw that all go upside down.

On the one side we have a bunch of schmoes taking financial advice from a guy like Lenny Dykstra and we know how that turned out.  Meanwhile, the Republican National Committee apparently paid for some of its operators to hit a club in LA called, I sh!t you not, Voyeur West Hollywood.

Come on guys!  How are we supposed to keep this straight?  Democrats do stuff like this because they’re the party of Kennedy and Hart.  But, with the exception of our dearly departed Charlie Wilson, the GOP staked its reputation as the party of “family values.”  How can we make informed decisions if we can’t rely on stereotypes and generalities?

Now maybe these stories are just outliers and the exception that proves the rule.  But in a week that ends with the Nationals playing .500 ball, you can understand my consternation.  Where’s Eliot Spitzer when you really need him?

-A

The Evolution of Chris Perez

*All subsequent information gathered by our trusty interns based on Chris Perez’s Sunday, April 11, 2010 appearance against the Detroit Tigers, who at one point were down 7-1 in the game.*

chris perez.jpg

michael myers before mask.jpg

michael myers remake.jpgCan’t blame the Tigers for playing like it was October… everywhere you looked it was Halloween.

Hate me ‘cuz I have the gutz, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Chris Perez image courtesy of Getty Images; all else taken off other stealin’, theavin’ blogs)

The Filibuster

The distance between the plate and the mound, like the distance between
home and first is….Perfect.  Can you tell me what else is perfect
about this game?  And Bud Selig aside, can you tell me what you think is
imperfect about our grand game?

Mike
BrooklynTrolleyBlogger
Brooklyn,
NY

____________________________________

bud selig close up.jpgGood to hear from you, Mike.  And great question.  You pretty much nailed it with your opening statement since so much is perfect about the game of baseball.  We complain about Bud Selig and you can bet that won’t end anytime soon but then we marvel at how the game still overcomes his idiotic decisions. 

Baseball is a system of artistic arithmetic.  The diamond is a perfect square meaning you always know how far you have to go to advance.  A pop up traces a parabola off the bat and it peaks halfway between home plate and its landing pad.  Hold the seams one way while pitching and the ball curves, change the angle a little and it drops like a rock.

But artistry relies on intangibles.  Yes, the ball follows a parabolic curve but you have to hit it first to make that knowledge worthwhile.  How do you as a manager decide when the curve ball isn’t curving enough or the sinker isn’t sinking enough and it’s time to pass the ball to a reliever?  Stealing on a slow curve makes that 90 feet much more manageable than trying to grab an extra base on a 97mph fastball.

Intangibles make mutation a necessity and mutation leads to evolution.  Hitters get stronger but pitchers find a ch!nk in the armor.  Small market teams can’t compete for big stars so they introduce new metrics that allow them to define a player’s “true” worth.  A fickle audience demands more offense so one league introduces the DH.  These are all elements that show a sports based sense of natural selection.

Like any system or organism, though, there are diseases and imperfections.  Strikes sour our outlook on the sport and scandals test our immunity.  It’s hard being a fan of a team that just isn’t competitive and shows no hope of turning that around.  Yet somehow we make do and despite these imperfections, or maybe because of them, we love the game even more.  The
perfection comes from a system that continually reinvents itself.  Kind of like snuggies and walkable sleeping bags.

-A

sleeping_bag.jpg

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not
together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at
kraulung@gmail.com. 

***A full translation of the above Japanese brochure also welcome though please know there is no prize… only kudos.

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