It’s Friday. I’m fried. I’m about to fly to Michigan.
So, today all you get is this video. Consider it commentary on the state of race relations in America. Consider it positive or negative. You can definitely consider it a revolutionary workout.
Happy Friday! Let’s all get out there and do some triple-dubbin’!
I would pay Albert Pujols the moon. I would pay Derek Jeter the sun. Roy Halladay my left — AHEM. Okay, you know what I mean. These aren’t Chicago Transit Authority workers who sit around in bunches and watch one guy change one light bulb while they all count how many more days til that fat pension check kicks in. Pujols, Jeter, Halladay… men like that… their services are incalculable.
On the contrary, inflation and greed have changed the dynamics of the world economy so much that I find it frighteningly appalling that certain people in certain positions are able to pull down the amount of scratch they do. Considering how so many US Americans (me) are just skating by, watching ye olde savings account disappear quicker than an Oriole lead in the 9th, I think it’s time we call some of these folks out.
Don’t get me wrong. I ain’t no hater. But soon you’ll agree… overcompensation can be a nagging pain for those of us on the opposite end of the money tree.
Sure, in the baseball world, $7 million a year is quite the bargain, especially for a perennial MVP candidate who can single-handedly carry a team for weeks at a time. Or is it? In the case of Hanley Ramirez, it’s probably less about overcompensation and more about breaking child labor laws. Yeah, you heard me right. ‘Cuz only whiny kids and spoiled brat beotches find themselves exempt from exerting maximum effort on the diamond. And at $7 million a year or $70 a year, when ya play baseball for a living, I expect you to hustle. Always.
Did you know that the strikingly beautiful oldest daughter of former Alaska governor and ultimate purveyor of Backwardism has signed a deal with a speakers bureau to make between $15,000 and $30,000 per speech. Uh… m’kay. So… uh… what’s she gonna speak about? Let’s see, what would make anything Bristol Palin has to say important to me (or anyone)? She’s the daughter of a famous politician. So what? I’m the son of an awesome MRI technologist. She got knocked up while in high school. So what? I was smart enough to wrap it up. Uh… she’s attractive. So what? Hello!?!? Where the hell is my $30K per speech contract?
Remember this guy?!? If you hear that Twilight Zone music sifting through your head, you are not alone, dear readers. I was able to catch the end (and most, er… exciting?) part of that Royals/Indians matchup last night… y’know, the one where Kerry Wood came in throwing 97 mph gas that the Royals — yes, the ROYALS — blasted all over the park. I don’t know about you, but if I’m paying someone $10.5 million a year — someone who always seems to be or is about to be injured — I would ask him to at least be as good as his replacement. Throw in the eminent departure of the most highly publicized free agent in the history of sports and yeah, I’d say it’s time to light that Cuyahoga on fire again, Cleveland. Yep. Let go and let that baby burn.
Hate me ‘cuz your girlfriend digs me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
It was nice to be the world’s unparalleled superpower following the fall of the Berlin Wall but it was also a little boring. A little rivalry goes a long way and without it, life just isn’t quite as spicy. Luckily we now have plenty of new enemies who are redefining the terms of the conflict and we can once again experience the existential angst our parents knew during the 60′s and 70′s.
At the same time, even within smaller rivalries you want to see a little spice. I’m sure Yankees fans love to see their Bronx Bombers beating up on this season’s hapless Red Sox. But does it feel quite as rewarding as beating them when Beckett was in top form? Sure, the Sox took one last night but that wasn’t exactly vintage Beckett.
Same goes for our current battles in the Islamic world. Many pundits have imagined Islamic society to be one monolithic bloc that seeks the destruction of the Great Satan but that’s a generalization that serves no real purpose. Cultural battles continue to roil majority Muslim states from Morocco all the way to Indonesia. Sometimes it’s deadly serious. Sometimes you can’t help but laugh and maybe even wish you had been there to see it.
Healthy rivalries keep the competitive juices flowing. There’s no way our space program would have reached the heights it attained without the constant pushing of the Soviets. Likewise, our current conflicts are forcing us to re-examine policies and their long-term effects on our safety and well being. And who knows, maybe if a couple more women beat up a couple more “religious” policemen, even the Saudis might grow up.
Why bad things happen to good people, why Hanley Ramirez is a lollygagger, what happened to Nancy Pelosi’s original face… these are all concerning issues without concrete and true catalytic roots.
They simply cannot be explained.
And just like boats and planes and people that disappear within the Bermuda Triangle — scoffing at science, bending the rules of reason — so too are the circumstances of the National League Central Division and its teams as mysterious as they are unanswerable.
So let’s see if we can get this right:
The Pirates suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Cubs.
The Cubs suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Brewers.
The Brewers suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Pirates.
The LOLstros may deal Oswalt and/or Berkman but no one is really watching or caring anyway.
The Cardinals are in second place.
And Dusty Baker hasn’t ruined anyone’s career yet as his Reds stand on top of the division.
I have a feeling this may be one of those FML moments. Of course, it is only May 18th, so it’s still way too early to start complaining like a Red Sox fan.
But seriously, folks, I really would like to know what happened to Nancy Pelosi’s original face…
Holla if you have any tips; in the meantime, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
There’s a popular saying that France would be a wonderful country if it wasn’t for the French. Ok, it’s probably not actually all that popular but I enjoy saying it. And there is a reason why the saying exists. Although not as true as it used to be, the French have a reputation for not being a pleasant people.
However, they are not alone in this world. There are plenty of other people who, when you find yourself in their lands, react in somewhat malevolent and unpredictable ways.
One such land is a place called Philadelphia.
Now, we’ve all heard stories about a fan of an opposing team who got roughed up, had a beer spilled on them or whose daughter was puked on by a Phillies fan. And those stories seem to be the rule as opposed to the exception. But it seems like Philly might finally have a plan for reigning in their unruly supporters.
Ah yes, the smell of singed hair and the cries of “Don’t tase me, bro!” Perhaps we could try this on the French as well. It might cover up the smell of cheese and the cries of “Nous nous rendirons!”*
* “We surrender” for those who skipped 12th grade French in favor of something useful. Like shop.
Hi Jeff. You are always saying mean things about the Tigers and making
fun of Allen. They seem to be doing pretty well with all these young
guys, though. Do you think you might have been wrong, even though you
always tell us not to hate you ‘cuz you’re right?
While I certainly detest the notion that my impervious and oft-uppity colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, and his infectious worldview have now tainted the minds of my dear family and friends back home in Quincy, IL, please remember that I have no problem telling you the truth:
The Tigers still suck.
Off to a good start…
Yet destined to fail.
Of course, I have been wrong once or twice in my life; but I still co-write a hit blog so I’m not sweatin’ it. And neither should you. It’s May. Sure, the Tigers are holding their own… for now. Austin Jackson, Scott Sizemore, Rick Porcello, Brennan Boesch… indeed, the future is bright in Detroit.
But not this year.
Sizemore just got sent down. Porcello is overrated. Austin Jackson is more Mark Reynolds than Ichiro Suzuki… and I haven’t even mentioned the impending doom of Dontrelle Willis (it will happen eventually). I just don’t think the Tigers have what it takes to play this well the entire season.
By August their youngsters will have petered out… the old timers (Damon) will be thinking about fishing in Cabo with Joe Mauer and that MLB The Show guy… and once again the murder rate in the Motor City will be the most talked about thing in Michigan.
Not the Tigers.
And for all you river-rat Q-towners, like Leslie above, who are considering siding with Mr. Krause and his lacking baseball acumen, just remember who buys the beers when he’s back home. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
So go ahead and hate me ‘cuz I spitz it straight. Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(Image courtesy of 9GAG)
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You know how sometimes something seems like a good idea? Like when you walk the bases full to get to A-Rod and he launches a moon shot? And then you realize that it really never was a good idea?
Well, just in case you still aren’t following, here’s another example that might help drive it home:
Happy Saturday! And remember, just because something seems like a good idea, that doesn’t mean it is.
Pardon me if this appears a bit extreme (I just awoke from a nightmare in which Glenn Beck was murdering frogs again) and found myself in the very real nightmare of having just been swept by the Houston Astros. Which begs the question:
Do the Cardinals have any logical excuse for getting raped on the diamond by one of the worst teams in the entire league?
In my opinion (which is often interpreted as FACT), hell no. They do not. What happened over the last three days was not only embarrassing, it was painful. If you missed it, here’s but a short sampling of what it looked like:
Now, go kill some Redlegs, boys before I really start to go off.
And, oh yeah, don’t hate me… ‘cuz I’m right.
the president stands by his White Sox, even while halfway across the country. But now we find out that new Supreme Court nominee, Elena Kagan, has an appreciation for sport in her past as well. However, it hasn’t come without controversy.
Tuesday’s Wall Street Journal had an old photo of Kagan playing softball on the front page which immediately led to public outcry. Outcry? Why, because that implies that she drinks or something?
Nope. Instead it turns out that all female softball players are gay, a fact I wish I had been made aware of before. Now I’m always going to wonder about that softball player I hooked up with in college. Did she know that she was a lesbian?
Either way, we face an important moment. No, I don’t mean the nomination of the first gay Supreme Court Justice. Clarence Thomas already covered that. What I mean is, what can we tell about Kagan and her policies from this picture?
Well, the first thing we notice is that she’s a righty. I guess she could be a switch-hitter but we don’t even want to open that can of worms. She also has a decent stance and she’s choking up on the bat a little to shorten the swing. All in all, I’d say it looks like she knows what she’s doing.
Which is good news because it means Obama also knows what he’s getting into. If Reagan had known about Robert Bork’s infamous balk that lost his team the circuit court softball league championship in the summer of ’87, he might have thought twice about nominating him to the court so fresh on the heels of such disaster. The bad blood from that alone probably cost him the votes of a couple senators who had money (and more) riding on the game.*
*Although possible, RSBS has no proof of Bork’s softball shenanigans. Or Ted Kennedy losing his man-ginity to Jesse Helms as a result of that balk. However, we can assure you that Bork most certainly was not ratified by the senate and never sat on the Supreme Court. Although who knows what happened in an alternate universe……?
1) I love the Cardinals, beer and Star Wars
2) I thoroughly enjoy contemplating alternate dimensions
So right now I would like to put down my beer and recognize the clear possibility of an RSBS across the pond… one extremely hip, wildly successful, nauseatingly charming athletic-politico blog starring two witty and well-spoken geniuses… probably named Geoff and Allan…
…arguing over cricket, the etymology of “whisky” and who would win a naked, drunken, wet Irish street fight between Dave Cameron and Gordon Brown.
Of course, Geoff is the more brilliant of the two.
And Allan is probably a tosser.
Which is Posh for “Tigers fan”.
Hate me ‘cuz you think it’s cool, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.