Although the Japanese no longer provide the same nightmare fodder that they did in the early 90’s, the Chinese have more than made up for the loss. Sure, most of the population still lives in abject poverty but the country’s economic might is ever increasing. More than that, with 1.2 billion people, how do we know they aren’t creating an army of Yao Ming-like super soldiers?
If you think I’m just fear-mongering, think again. The Chinese have developed a missile that can hit a moving aircraft carrier. And who has the aircraft carriers? Yeah, that’ll keep you up at night. Did I mention that there are 1.2 billion of them? Oh. Right. Sorry.
We should probably keep in mind that the Chinese aren’t the only Asian nation with a billion plus people at their disposal. And beyond taking over call centers and consulting companies, India has made a strong move into our national pastime with their exportation of Rinku and Dinesh as well. Ok, strong might be a bit of an overstatement since these guys haven’t even made it through the Pirates’ farm system. But you see my point.
However, if there’s one area where we should truly fear the Indians, it’s marriage. Not understanding the concept? I think this will make it very clear:
Repeat after me: I will not run away on my Indian girlfriend, I will not run away on my Indian girlfriend, I will not run away on my…..
And so in this Podcast…
Allen: “If somebody’s willing to pay you the money, then that’s what you’re worth.”
Jeff: “I make magic happen…”
Johanna: “Chapped sack.”
Of course, that’s just the beginning… there’s also punching Mrs. Johanna’s dad and spending a night in jail, Judge Judy putting Yankees to shame, Oh-No-Farnsworth, the Lou Piniella Mailbag and much, much more… bringin’ great big laughs to those bellies yo!
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*Special thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and all-around sound guru. If you like baseball, wanna learn about the Negro Leagues and would like to know more about stuff that is awesome, check out his Undercast podcast. He’s an MMA fighter too. So listen or he’ll beat you up. Visit Undercard Films!
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Recorded Saturday, August 14, 2010
Whether you like him or not, whether you agree with him or not, one thing can definitely be said about our President. He has some cojones. I don’t mean this in the pejorative sense, as in, “Where he does he get off saying that?” No, I mean nothing but respect. His stances may not always be popular but at least they reflect a sense of integrity and a fundamental understanding of the law.
Let’s start with sports. The President is a White Sox fan and even though I don’t like the White Sox, I respect him for sticking by his guns. When he showed up at Nationals Park to see the Sox during interleague play, he didn’t throw on the home team cap. He wore a Sox cap, same as opening day. In fact, one of my many issues with Bill Richardson during the primary campaign was his claim that he liked both the Red Sox and Yankees. We all know that’s not possible. Baseball law says so. There’s none of that tomfoolery with Obama.
And when you get into what are often referred to as more “substantive” issues, Obama also rejects tomfoolery. Like health care or “Don’t ask, Don’t tell.” People may not like his stands but what he does is based on a firm understanding of the Constitution.
Which is why I’m also proud of the President’s stand on this ridiculous Ground Zero mosque kerfuffle. Yes, I understand that the men who crashed those planes into the WTC claimed to be Muslim. Timothy McVeigh claimed to be Christian. Does that mean no churches should be built near where the Oklahoma City Federal Building stood?
You can argue that the President may not have chosen the best time to weigh in on the controversy. But what you can’t argue is that the United States is a country built on the rule of law, the foundation of that law being the Constitution. When the Constitution grants the freedom of religion, that’s not just the freedom to be Christian. It’s the freedom to follow any religion or even no religion at all.
Sometimes this freedom isn’t pretty, like when you’re dealing with Hare Krishnas at the airport or Moonies milling about in Central Park. But it’s also the reason your mom and sisters don’t have to shave their heads and why we men don’t get in trouble for trimming our beards. It’s sad that a public figure being willing to say this requires cojones.
He’ll forgive me.
I mean, here were are… it’s August. Like usual the Cardinals are in the thick of an exciting pennant chase. And the Tigers… well, the Tigers are busy suckin’.
Of course I’m gonna say something to my opinionated and oft-brazen colleague, Mr. Allen Krause. If I keep my mouth shut, my reputation is done. Over. Finished.
And that ain’t gonna happen.
‘Cuz not only am I known to kick people while they’re down, I’m also known to have a knack for unearthing old childhood videos of Mr. Krause actin’ a fool.
Not quite Jimmy Leyland worthy, is he.
Hate me ‘cuz I’m crass, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
The question doesn’t apply so much when you come from the northeast and its glut of teams. Mainers, at least the ones I know, tend to go with the Mass-holes and the people I’ve met from Connecticut often opt for New York. But those are states with legitimate populations. That still doesn’t answer the question.
What do you do when you’re from a state that is quite literally the middle of nowhere?
Well, if you’re from the homeland of Warren Buffett and mail order steaks, apparently you take yourself way too seriously and go transcontinental when choosing to cheer:
C’mon Whyte Myk. The Pirates? And you wonder why no one takes your rap career seriously.
wasn’t enough, every single division race is still up in the air. Is
it me or has the world gone crazy?
Well, Percy, I gotta admit: you sure lost me with the whole Russia and Pakistan thing. What is Pakistan anyway? Any relation to pachyderms? Or pachydermia? I think one of my sisters has pachydermia. Sores. Lots of ‘em. I think…
I know that I’m a US American, man! Heck, nowadays, you can just label me as a plain, old ‘Merican. Stuff my face with apple pie, stick me in front of the tube to watch baseball, let me marry three chicks at the same time and let’s make a damn reality show out of this highfalutin awesomeness!
Has the world gone crazy?
The world has been crazy for as long as I can remember, and it just keeps getting crazier. I mean, we live in a world where aggressive foreign policies are based on bronze age fairy-tales — a world where Kyle Farnsworth always has a job — a world where the Texas Rangers are running away with the AL Western Division title!
Of course, the world has gone crazy, Percy! Of course! Look around!
We live in a world where technocracy trumps physicality — a world where Elisabeth Hasselbeck is seen as an authority on social issues — a world where I can have 600 “friends”… without ever leaving my apartment… EVER!
Crazy?!?! More like frightening, Percy! Frightening!
Ya see, if I could have it my way I’d live on a self-serving farm, surrounded by nothing, accompanied by a sole transistor radio beaming exciting play-by-plays of men laboring in wool uniforms hundreds of miles away while I sip away on barrels of whisky.
Yeah. I think I could get by on that.
But this is 2010, Percy. And 2010 has iPods and Blagojevich and MLB.TV and Glenn Beck and Facebooks and Lady Gaga and Twitters and… and… whaddya call it? Pakistans?
Yes, the world has Pakistans.
And Pakistans are crazy.
Hate me ‘cuz I ain’t down with holy wars, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
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*Information leading to the arrest of Mr. Krause’s imaginary friend, Sal the Tiger Lovin’ Slobberer also welcome.
Although I believe in the evolution of baseball, some things I refuse to support. For instance, I don’t like pink versions of baseball caps. I’m completely in favor of teams coming out with alternate uniforms and including alternate headgear styles in that. It’s a great way for a team to make money and I suppose that if a team had pink in their uniform color and decided to make a pink hat to go with it, I could support that. But they don’t. Ergo, no pink hats.
The thing I dislike the most, though, and it has been mentioned here before, is people doing the wave during a game. Yes, I understand that sometimes the proceedings can be a little boring. However, one of the beautiful things about baseball is that you never know when excitement might happen. That’s why you pay the money to come to the ballpark and that’s why you try not to drink too many over-priced beers. But if you’re watching the other side of the stands to figure out when you should stand up and wave your hands in the air, chances are that you’re no longer paying attention to the game. And that is a shame.
This is why I proudly display the following:
I know I’m ahead of my time and I know I’ll be ridiculed for making this stand. Or sit. But someone has to do it and that someone could also be you. Join us and help stop this menace before it it invades other areas of your life. Just imagine if they made your kids do the wave during school assemblies. I bet you’d do something then. Don’t let it come to that.
It has become obvious to me that baseball managers do not read this blog. How do I know this? Because how else can you explain the fact that Kyle Farnsworth STILL has a job?! Have I not made this clear? The dude is poison. The Cubs didn’t blow the 2003 NLCS because of Bartman. It was Farnsworth. He makes every team worse.
But, despite my multitude of cautions and unwavering admonitions, teams with hopes of making the postseason still go out and pick this guy up. His latest victim? The Braves. And there’s no way they can say they didn’t see it coming. Just scroll down through the article and, after reading about how he pitched this time, relive the magic of his previous outing with the Braves.
At least Farnsworth didn’t go crazy after the game like some other NL East relievers. Instead he just accepted it as another day at the park: “Can’t do anything about it. Just got to keep your head up and keep going.”
Really, Farnsy? Because I think you actually can do something about it. I think these GM’s could get their heads out of their a$$es and make a decision not to hire you anymore. They did it to Barry Bonds and he at least performed. I should probably keep it down, though. Even if the managers don’t read this, you might and I wouldn’t want to see you cry again.