September 2010

Apocalypse Yesterday

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Yes, dear readers, I know that we still have at least 15 more months before Mayan legend is set to destroy the universe, but I’m afraid ruination and chaos might already be here, making 2012 moot.

Don’t believe me?

Well, you know Sarah Palin is on Twitter, right?  Not only that, but she’s also doling out advice to overnight Teabagger sensation, Christine O’Donnell:

C.
O’Donnell strategy: time’s limited;use it 2 connect w/local voters whom
you’ll be serving vs appeasing nat’l media seeking ur destruction


Yes, Christine!  Seeking… your… destruction!  Bwahhhhhhhhhh!  Me want freedom to touch myself!  Me want witchcraft-free Delaware!  Me want answer to Teabagging claim of fiscal responsibility despite inability to pay back your college loans!  Bwahhhhhh!  How dare we demand such clarity!  Bwahhhhhh! 

Gotta be a sign of the apocalypse.


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If not that, then how about the colossal union of two universally disliked MLB wormbags?  That’s right, folks.  Jayson Werth (and his beard) have teamed up with Scott Boras to form the sort of free agent chimera that will have everyone talking more zeroes ad nauseum this winter.  Look, I get it.  Dude wants to get paid.  No problem with that.  But for someone whom the public has already deemed a megafortified jerk, it seems like hiring the sleaziest of the bunch to fetch that money might not have been the best public relations move.  Oh, and it also means he won’t be an Angel next season. 

The Angels handcuffed into quelling big time free-agent magic?  Gotta be a sign of the apocalypse.

Of course, nothing can predict the end of the world is near better than our US American justice system playing host to a caffeine insanity defense, in a murder trial!  Sorry, your honor.  Two Jolt colas and a bottle of Ride-the-Snake diet pills and I just couldn’t STOP MYSELF FROM MURDERING MY ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Um… okay.

It is no secret that I am a caffeine addled man myself.  But I would never use that as an excuse to kill someone.  Insult my going-nowhere Redbirds and maybe we can talk creative defense strategies, but to blame it on caffeine?

There’s no other explanation, folks.  It’s gotta be another sign.

So go ahead and hate me ‘cuz time’s runnin’ out.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

Okay, which race do you think is the most exciting? The NL West or the open senatorial seat in Delaware?

Mitch
Burr Ridge, IL

_______________________________

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Exciting isn’t the word I’d use here, Mitch.  The fact that the NL West is still so wide open merely reflects the drama inherent in baseball.  And of course the Rockies are right in the middle of it.  Do you remember their run to the World Series back in 2007?  That one game playoff with the Padres?  The NL West is all drama and it often involves the Rockies.

The Delaware race, on the other hand, is just frightening.  How is it possible that a person like Christine O’Donnell finds herself in this position?  Here’s the thing.  When even a conservative stalwart like William Kristol thinks that you don’t belong, that doesn’t bode well for your bona fides. 

Let’s look at the facts.  Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.  She thinks masturbation is adultery.  This is bad news for the 99% of men who partake in a little self love as well as the remaining 1% who simply lie about it.  She dabbled in witchcraft.  Witchcraft! 

And as if that wasn’t enough, she only received her college degree this summer at the age of 40.  This isn’t the story of woman who went back to get her diploma, though.  No, the reason why she just got it now?  She never got around to paying off her college tuition.  This seems more than a little ironic from a Tea Party candidate who claims the mantle of “fiscal responsibility.”

The biggest difference between the NL West and Delaware, though, is that the baseball race is being fought by professionals but the political contest is straight up amateur hour.  Why else would O’Donnell agree to go on a couple Sunday morning news shows and then pull out at the last minute?  Look, I get it.  She doesn’t want to pull a Palin and accidentally mention how she never reads a newspaper or that she can see Bermuda from her doorstep.  But you’re running for the Senate!  This is not a game.  The laws passed in the Senate affect our lives for years.

So Mitch, I’ll be watching both races.  And my money is on the heart-attack kids from Colorado.  I just hope that any bets on the Delaware race are based on whether O’Donnell loses by more or less than twenty points.

-A

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pics of Jeff’s secret make-out sessions with his Troy Tulowitzki bobble-head also welcome.

Captain Morgan Calls for Captainism!

Just how Captain Morgan is able to be in both my liquor cabinet and the Oakland Coliseum at the same time is beyond me.  But he is.  Or… was.  In fact, last week he was seen comparing hooks with Mr. Perfect himself, Dallas Braden, while bringing the party with him in the way of one blonde, one redhead and one enviable, swashbuckling goatee.

Dallas Braden Compares Hooks with CM.JPG

That’s right.  Just when you thought captainism in US America was dead, here comes Captain Morgan throwing out the first pitch at a ballpark near you.  While captains may run rampant in the NHL, the NFL and MLS, Major League Baseball suffers from a supreme shortage.

Derek Jeter.  Jason Varitek.  Paul Konerko.

Those are your only true, official captains.

Jeter?  Understood. 

Varitek?  That’s a joke, right?

Paulie?  Deserved, but under appreciated and way under publicized.  In fact, I didn’t even know he was the Sox captain until yesterday… and I live next to the ball park!

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Look, I’m a purist.  You know this.  Axe the replay, axe the jumbotron, axe the synthetic unis… I’m cool with all of that.  But in lieu of the Nyjer Morgans and Milton Bradleys of the world, I think MLB would do a lot of good to inject more leadership into its ranks, spice it up with a “C” patch, subject the younger players to some authority. 

Evan Longoria, Albert Pujols, Joe Mauer… they already look and act like captains.  Can’t we just make it official?

Either that, or at least make it mandatory for that blonde and that redhead to make an appearance every ballpark in the league. (No need for the goatee. I have one of those already.)

Oh… and I’ll be waiting at Sox Park.

So go ahead and hate me… just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Images via Getty Images)

Dealing with Dirty Balls

As the end of the season approaches, it’s important to keep things in order.  You don’t want something simple like hygiene to keep you out of the game.  Luckily, there’s a solution:

Happy Friday!

-A

RSBS Presents: Drama!!!

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No longer exclusively tethered to the stage, the screen or the page, there is no doubt that life is full of drama — the sort that you weren’t ready for, the kind you embrace, even the type that makes you ill.

Nonuniform in appearance and uninterested in who or what it affects, drama can be as simple as that anxious feeling you get right before a big presentation or as complex as the collective mood among you and your fellow drivers during your morning commute.

Drama is everywhere.  It infects everything.  We love it.  We hate it.  We need it.

Not convinced?

Take a look for yourself…

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Ines Sainz and Her… Assets
Were members of the New York Jets out of line in their cat-calling towards Mexican reporter, Ines Sainz?  Was Ms. Sainz perhaps inappropriately dressed for an NFL locker room?  Is there more to this story that none of us knows about?  Yes, yes, and yes?  Probably… right?  I dunno.  Who cares?  What is important is that a) we now know who Ines Sainz is and that she’s more than available via Google image search b) Jets fans have more to talk about than just how fat Rex Ryan is and c) I have another reason to post a B-side pic of someone not named Erin Andrews.  Thank you, drama!



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The AL East: Yankees – Rays Showdown
If this most recent series is any indication of what sort of playoff bliss we may be in for, well, paint me blue and call me “cubbie” ‘cuz I’m all in.  Heart attacks galore, dear readers!  From Sabathia v. Price, to Brignac bombs to Grandy’s catch to Jeter’s thespian act, this has been the most impressive, most entertaining, most dramatic regular season series between any two teams all season long!  And, as a fan, I could care less about either club!  Now that’s what I call drama!


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Teabagging with Christine O’Donnell
If Joe Biden were dead he’d be rolling over in his grave.  Heck, lots of people wish Karl Rove was dead (he’s not) and he’s already rolling over in his… er… wait.  What I mean is this: Republican/Tea Party senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell from Delaware may seem like Sarah Palin 2.0, but that’s just because she’s good-looking, halfway likable and really dumb.  Make no mistake: the Teabaggers are way more scary than their everyday conservative counterparts.  Way more scary.  For instance, O’Donnell once suggested to the MTV crowd that they refrain from masturbation.  Uh… yeah.  And judging from the fly hair and nails O’Donnell has in that circa 1996 video, I sure as hell hope she sees the irony in that.  Anti-masturbation!?!  Ha!  Such a message EXPLODES with drama!!!

Hate me ‘cuz all the Teabaggers are doin’ it, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

Peace,

Jeff

Leadership 101

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Leaders find ways to motivate even when the task seems impossible.  For instance, Jim Leyland is a leader because he took a team that lost 119 games three seasons earlier and led them all the way to the World Series.  On a side note, Matt Millen would be the opposite.

I also believe that leaders have innate abilities that can’t be taught.  You can hone the skills but some people just aren’t leaders and no amount of teaching or coaching will get them to that point.

Knowing whether or not you have that ability is also an important skill.  Politicians often learn these lessons the hard way.  Abraham Lincoln lost more races than he won before winning the Republican nomination and becoming President.  But he was a leader and even the losses taught him lessons and earned him respect he would later weave into a legendary presidency.

Sometimes when the losses keep piling up, though, they’re trying to tell you something different.  Like maybe you’re not suited for politics:

Ok!  Fine!  I’ll vote for you!  Just please stop yelling at me.  Please?

-A

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 10: Bud Selig’s Salad… and Other Stuff

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Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

It’s our monumental TENTH EPISODE, y’all!  Party is the name of the game as Jeff, Allen and Johanna dive into an exciting playoff tempered show including three hallowed memories, two Morgans (Nyjer and the Captain) and one inception… not to mention a whole lot of confusion over a $500 pair of speedos with Albert Pujols’ face on it.  Plus much more, including the Lou Piniella mailbag!  All to make you laughy-time!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special

thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru.  Check out
his Undercast podcast and visit his movie-making website Undercard Films if you don’t want him to kick your bum.  Did I mention he is an MMA fighter?  It’s true.  How else do you think Johanna’s face got so disfigured?!?  Lookout!

- – -

MUSIC BY MEQQA <— Download their music it is rad as hell :-)

Recorded Saturday, September 11, 2010

A Drunk Baboon

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I hate to be that guy who talks about his fantasy baseball team but I came across an article the other day that kind of summed up my season.  Let me go back a little, though, and explain.  At a couple points I was looking good.  The hitters were hitting.  The pitchers were pitching.  But some guys were starting to taper off so I made some changes.

Bad idea.  As most readers of this blog know, we like to comment on the simian nature of Vicente Padilla.  However, despite two year’s worth of warnings, I went ahead and picked him up anyway.  He was pitching well, the Dodgers looked good.  How could I lose?

Well, instead of trying to explain what Padilla did to my season, I’ll refer you to the article I mentioned at the beginning.  Yes, I think the best way to describe Vicente Padilla is “drunk baboon.”  Read the article while imagining my team as Cape Town and you’ll get the picture.

-A

The Filibuster

So, it looks like we’ll watch the playoffs from the sidelines this year
since both of our teams decided to nosedive in the second half.  Which
teams’ failure is the most discouraging, though, the Tigers or the
Cards?

-Allen
Tigers fan
_______________________________

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A clever move from my sinister and oft pejorative colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, inserting himself into the Filibuster box by stuffing it with this one question, over and over and over again.  I guess some part of Mr. Krause is looking for sympathy in the wake of yet another disappointing season in Detroit; because anyone with any sort of baseball awareness knows that the greater discouragement between these two teams most assuredly belongs to the St. Louis Cardinals.

Hell, up to a few weeks ago we were all buzzing about how the Cards could just mail it in for the NL Central title.  How could they not?!?  A team anchored by two of the best pitchers in the game (Wainwright, Carpenter), flanked by serious ROY candidate Jaime Garcia, a solid Jake Westbrook… and I haven’t even gotten to the offense centered around Albert Pujols and Matt Holliday… a team like this… it screams playoffs.

So how is it that they are dead?

Lack of motivation.  Sense of entitlement.  Clubhouse squabbling.  Streakiness.  The absence of a clear, dominating, team leader.

Really, that’s what it comes down to.

Meanwhile, the 2010 edition of the Tigers never had a chance to begin with.  Outside of Justin Verlander (who struggled early on), their pitching was a complete mess (Dontrelle Willis anyone?).  They started two rookies in Austin Jackson and Scott Sizemore… and at the very last minute they signed a less-than-stellar Johnny Damon to… well, to do what, I don’t really know.  His non-impact did the talking.  Or not.  Depending on how you look at it.

So, Mr. Krause, of course the Cardinals’ 2010 fail remains more epic (as the kids iz sayin’) than your disastrous Detroit Tigers, who are apt to see Jimmy Leyland walk away after the season, so that he can spend more quality time smoking… and… smoking.

But not all hope is lost for the RSBS universe.  The Rays and Rangers look like fun teams to root for in the postseason, and let us not forget… Mr. Krause still has a horse in this race:

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Hate me ‘cuz I got people who can extract sensitive information, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pics of Mr. Krause declaring his love for Albert Pujols & Co. also welcome. I have a hunch…

We All Lose

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Special days historically fall prey to those who use them for their own gain.  Like when god decided to send Jesus to earth on Christmas and then have him die on Easter.  Seriously, you’re god and that’s the best you could do?

It’s no different now.  From simple and relatively justified things like MLB putting players in pink for Breast Cancer awareness or having everyone wear number 42 to commemorate Jackie Robinson to things that don’t quite feel right like Glenn Beck marching on the National Mall and claiming the mantle of MLK on the anniversary of the “I have a Dream” speech, these days give both demagogues and dissenters context for their issues.

Sadly, most of the time it’s the demagogues who get the coverage.  I have spent a bit of time in Muslim countries and most of the people I have met are nice people who want to make a living and provide for their families.  Yes, they’re serious about their religion but they don’t use it as an excuse for violence. 

So what’s the point in getting them riled up by staging a Quran burning?  I know the event has been canceled and I know that the pastor of a small church in Florida does not deserve as much coverage as he has been given.  But when David Petraeus, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama and the Southern Baptist convention all agree that what you’re doing is a bad idea, maybe it’s time to stop and rethink.

As odious as the planned act may be, even worse is the day on which it falls.  Sometimes a Saturday
is more than just a Saturday.  Like when it’s September 11th.  Using a day like today that should be reserved for contemplation and mourning as a vehicle for the same kind of bilious beliefs that fueled the hijackers nine years ago means we all lose.

I preferred it when September 11th had no meaning, when it wasn’t a special day.  But that is no longer possible.  So maybe it’s time that people stop grandstanding and allow this day to have one simple message.  Hate kills.  That goes for Terry Jones, Glenn Beck and Michael Moore just as much as it does for Bin Laden.

-A

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