October 2010

The Filibuster

Why does everyone get so excited about the whole playoff beard
phenomenon? This is nothing new. It happens every year with lots of
different teams. Isn’t it time for a different trend?

Mark
Virden, IL

_______________________________

binladen_beard.jpgAre we talking about A-Rod dating Madonna again?  Because that’s totally legit.  A-Rod likes women.

Oh, wait.  You meant hair on faces.  Ok, sorry about that.  Wrong beard.  Although the point still stands.

But, you’re right.  Playoff beards, whether of the A-Rod variety or the hairy face version, are not exactly news.  It happens in baseball.  It happens in hockey.  Football definitely sees it share.  I guess I’d like to see baseball players try something a little different.  I have two suggestions.

The first thing I’d like to see in baseball is the midsummer slump beard instead of the playoff beard.  Imagine that your team has looked terrible for the first half season and the All-Star Break is coming up.  In order to give yourself some momentum heading in to the layoff, you all grow beards.  Not only does this show team spirit, it also shows some balls.  Think about.  The Houston Astros with full on beards in the middle of July?  That’s hardcore.  The itchiness and beard sweat alone would be enough to drive you crazy.  Add in some sort of pact about not being allowed to shave until you’ve won two or three series and you might find just the motivation you need.

The other possibility would be taking the playoff beard to higher level.  I don’t want to see three days worth of stubble.  I want a full-on, Osama Bin Laden “I’ve been living in a cave for five years” kind of beard.  Cliff Lee is imposing on the mound.  Just imagine him sporting some Gandalf-style whiskers and hitters losing the ball in his beard as it leaves his hand.  Now that’s an intimidation factor.

Playoff beards have become a cliche but it doesn’t have to be this way.  There’s still time to reinvent the beard.  Hey, if A-Rod can do it with Madonna, we can do it with this tradition.

-A

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on
your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)? 
Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pictures of Jeff taking untoward liberties while dressed as a priest on Halloween also welcome.

Baseball Meets Art: Edvard Ron Washington Munch’s “The Scream”

The Ron Washington Scream.JPG
And this is a SOBER skipper.

Good thing, too.

‘Cuz it’s time to rally up.

You can’t hate me for sayin’ that.  ‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Non-Baseball Fan Guide to the Playoffs (Remix)

Jeff and Allen have been very busy
all season long and with the playoffs in full swing, they thought it
might be nice to bring in some relief writers.  Today their friend from
college, Frank, gives us his take on the playoffs.

__________________________

new_york_skyline.jpgWorld Series?  Of course I’m not watching the World Series.  Are the Mets playing?  No.  Even the Yankees I could stand watching.  But these two lameass teams?  No way, man.  No New York, no Frank.

In fact, I don’t even want to talk about it.  It’s bad enough that the Mets completely s**t the bed this season.  I don’t want to hear about the f*****g Yankees and the no east coast finale.  Actually, I don’t even want to talk to you at all right now.  You know why?  Because you’re an enema.  No, you’re my enema…

….Shut up, dude.  Of course I know what I said.  No, I didn’t mean to say enemy.  I meant enema.  You know, like your continued existence cleanses my colon. 

Seriously, though.  I’m not even sure I know where San Francisco is.  Is that down in the Village or something?  If you want to be straight about things, the Giants are technically a New York team anyway.  I guess it would be weird to have the baseball Giants and football Giants in the same town but who cares?  And what the hell is in Texas?  Nothing I want to see, that’s for sure.

You know what is in Texas that I did enjoy seeing, though?  The f*****g Cowboys getting stomped by the Giants.  Baseball season is done, bro.  It’s football time now.  F**k Texas.  F**k San Francisco.  And you know what, f**k you, too, bro….

…Nah, man, I’m just kidding.  I love you, bro.  We’re cool.  Give me a hug.

-Frank

An Extremely Loose and Semi-Offensive Transcription of What Ozzie Guillen Said Last Night

ozzie guillen laughing.jpgYou know it.  I know it.  The US American people know it.

FOX hired Ozzie Guillen to be an analyst on their pre and post game shows for one reason and one reason only: to make sure you at least consider watching their otherwise boring pre and post game shows.

And if you were one of the three or so people who stayed tuned after last night’s rout to suffer through 15 minutes of Chris Rose and Eric Karros’ lisp, well, you’re just as glad as I am that Ozzie was there to break up the monotony.

Even though we have no clue what he said.

The uber-linguistic RSBS interns got to work transcribing, but even they aren’t sure.

Ozzie on the World Series atmosphere:

Dis is wazza gonna want for the ho season. Back in spring train, dis is wazza gonna tink abow forda ho year.  To win a gang after gang after gang, izza gonna hafta looze too.  But dassa wazza gonna happen.  Enjoy it!!!

Ozzie on Juan Uribe’s playoff heroics:

Well, dazza wazza gonna happen.  Dis guy, Uribe, he like a big cat dat like-uh eat something.  He like-uh eat anyting.  Really, he juzza gonna eat so you better let eem eat.  He can hurchoo witta glub and witta bat een hees hanz.

And of course…

Ozzie on what the Rangers have to do to counter the Game 1 loss:

Furs of all, you gonna habba go back in dat clobehouse wit your head up high and make sure you not gonna habba stroke or whadebba ees not gonna kill you you lose one gang.  Errybody losing a gang or eef you northsider you lose a lotta gang (hehehehe) but eet not gonna mattuh go home and tell yo wife you lubba den you relax or what you gonna do to sleep and go to clobehouse tomorrow and win dat gang and maybe another gang back in your own clobehouse.  Dazza wazza gonna habba do.

Whew.

FOX may lose points with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.  But, dear readers, Ozzie Guillen is an entertainment gold mine!

Hate me.  Fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(special thanks to Johanna Mahmud, who contributed to this post)

Pay to Play

money.jpgPaying for a championship is a time-honored tradition in sports.  Over in Europe you have teams like Real Madrid who spend billions of dollars attempting to cash in on the notoriety that comes from winning any of the lucrative club championships.  In the US we have our own version and they’re called the Yankees.

There’s only one problem with buying championships.  It never seems to work out.  Sure, the teams are always close and there’s no denying they’re good.  But, just like the Yankees proved once again this year, it doesn’t matter how much you pay or how you play during the regular season.  Come playoff time, you either put up or shut up.

As much money as the Steinbrenners throw around, though, and as many transfer fees as the Madrilenos may be willing to pay, they pale in comparison with the money wasted by one other country.  However, I think I’ll leave the explanation to someone else:

Throw Cristiano Ronaldo or Mark Teiexeira in there and you’d really be cooking with gas.

-A

The Greatest Series No One Will See

tim_lincecum_video_game_graphic-93379.JPG

Tim Lincecum.  Cliff Lee.  Buster Posey.  Josh Hamilton (with special guest, Jesus of Nazareth).

This… spells… EPIC.

Unfortunately, only the folks in San Francisco, Dallas/Ft. Worth and the diehards (like myself) will be paying attention.

Such is a World Series without marquee cities and pinstripes galore (see 2006 for more info).

But I have an idea… a way to rope in the casual fan from Syracuse to Sandusky to Sacramento and beyond. 

In between innings, give a hot chick a gun and let ‘er rip:

‘Cuz, THAT, dear readers, is ‘Merica!!!

Yes.  Yes, you can thank me later.

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Closing Doors, Opening Windows

Silly me.  I thought it a sure thing that the World Series would once again feature the Yankees and Phillies.  Unfortunately for Fox, I was wrong.  I don’t think this is quite as much of a ratings disaster as the Tigers and Cardinals but it sure won’t be setting any records.

However, Fox needs to find another way to look at this.  As the old cliche goes, they need to make lemonade out of the lemons.  Or to throw out another cliche, when god closes a door, he opens a window.  Sometimes those windows go a little crazy, though:

Happy Monday!

-A

The Filibuster

The fungus that Cody Ross is trying to grow on his face, do you
think this is an effort on his part to cover up the feminine role he
plays in San Francisco, and after hearing him interviewed, is it worth
the effort on his part, since he obviously sounds, lets say a little
less manly than most players.
 
From a sore loser.

Peter
Phillies Outside
_______________________________

cody ross giants.jpgDear readers, what I think Mr. Peter is trying to say, is that his undying passion for the Phillies just barely trumps his closeted affection for Cody Ross; and he is scared.

And when people are scared, people slander.  Look, it happens.  I know.  One need look no further than my own nefarious and oft vindictive colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, whose curt demeanor often causes him to challenge my manhood (a challenge he has yet to win by the way).

In the case of Cody Ross, can we really say that he is “less manly than most players”?  Like my 8 year old nephew says: “it’s a free country… na-na-na-booboo!”  So yeah.  I guess so.  But what does that really mean?  I think it means that one need not be a manly man to excel at the game of baseball.  If four pressure packed post season dingers that throw an otherwise offense-challenged club on his back don’t prove that, then I don’t know what does.

But, I guess one would probably be better off asking Roy Halladay how he feels about the situation (Warning: Doc Halladay hath no feelings).

Surely, by now, someone has shown the Philadelphia Phillies what Cody Ross’ name spelled backwards is.

I’ll give you some time to figure it out.

Hate me ‘cuz it’s easy to do, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on
your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)? 
Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster
question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pictures of Allen tongue kissing a poster of Joe Mauer also welcome.

How to Handle a Hurtling Bat

When an object is hurtling towards you at breakneck speed, you get out of the way.  Or at least that’s what common sense would prescribe.  Like when a broken bat comes flying at your head, you duck behind your video camera and let that expensive hunk of equipment take the blow:

gardner_bat_tbs_camera.jpgBut common sense is not something that comes naturally to all politicians.  They’re brave, they stand their ground but that doesn’t count for much when that broken bat conks them right in the noggin.  For instance, when someone is talking about the First Amendment and you don’t actually know what is in it, you might want to avoid making that obvious:

Some politicians get it, though.  They not only get out of the way, they use their Jedi mind tricks and send it right back where it came from.  Like in New York:

I really have nothing to add except happy Saturday!

-A

RSBS Undercover: Jeff as a Yankees Fan, Day 11

jeff as yankees fan.jpgThe learning curve on being a Yankees fan isn’t nearly as forgiving as one might expect given the Evil Empire’s age old stranglehold on professional sports fandom.  I’m a smart guy; but even I am having a hard time understanding it all:

“We friggin’ HATE A.J. Burnett!”

“We friggin’ LOVE A.J. Burnett!”

“WHO the friggin’ frig is A.J. Burnett!?!?”

Uh… what?

But don’t let lightning fast fluttering allegiances get ya down, especially if you’re a bandwagoneer.  As long as you remember the basics (i.e. Jeter is GOD; Mo will kill you in your sleep and not break a sweat; Posada is a defense-challenged commodity) then you shouldn’t have any troubles navigating through the Yankees’ world of privileged self-righteousness.

Of course, there’s one more thing you should know: once you go there… you can never go back.  You can never unsee.  Never unfeel.

When Mark Teixeira went down with his injury the other night, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking…

albert pujols yankees.jpg
Now, pardon me while my conscious does battle with my psyche.

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 67 other followers