What playoff pitcher would you least want to face?
I may have mentioned this before but I write about baseball because of how poorly I play. I wasn’t terrible in the field but I couldn’t even hit those 45 MPH fastballs that kids were throwing in 6th grade. I could blame the astigmatism or my parents for the genes that created these terrible eyes but the fact of the matter is that I just can’t hit.
So when it comes to facing any playoff pitcher I have to say that I’d prefer to not be up against any of them. I guess Aroldis Chapman might be the scariest because I don’t even want to know what a 105 MPH fastball looks like. The fact of the matter is, I’m pretty sure I’d strike out bunting against any starter or reliever on any of the eight playoff teams.
But wait. Maybe there is one guy I wouldn’t mind going up against. If the Braves can pull it together, that means my old buddy Kyle Farnsworth will be along for the ride. Hey, it’s not my fault they decided to go out and repeat that mistake. And I’ll bet you good money that he’ll end up burning them in the postseason. I’d still go there, though.
Here’s the thing. Chances are that Farnsworth would smoke me. He’s a professional being paid way too much money for something that he doesn’t do as well as he should. If he can’t put it by me, he’s a bum. And if he does, he’s still a bum. I’m a 31 year old desk jockey. What business do I have facing down a professional athlete? Yeah, that’s the one guy I would like to go up against.
I think the chances of MLB inviting me in to face a big-league pitcher are pretty slim. I’m also not really sure if the results would be more embarrassing to me or the league. But if they feel like pulling in Farnsy for a few pitches, I’m all there.
In fact, I’ll even sweeten the pot a little. If you make this happen and Farnsworth can put ten strikes by me without my even touching them, I’ll never write another word about him in these pages. If I can get the bat on just one of them, even just barely nicking it, I get his salary for the week. And if I put one in play, he has to quit baseball forever. Now that sounds like a pretty good contest to me.
What do you say, Mr. Farnsworth?
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***Pictures of Farnsworth begging Jason Heyward for an autograph “for my kids” also welcome. Yeah right, Farnsy. Nice try.