Mysteries of the Universe

Carl-Sagan1.jpgMy insatiable quest for knowledge is rooted in the works of that dapper fella pictured here to the right.  That’s Carl Sagan.  You can call him Mr. Awesome if ya want.  I do.

I was but a child when I first watched his infamous Cosmos series — a series that, for the very first time, made me realize that the mysteries of life, of the universe, of existence as we know it are far more grand and far more expansive than anything I could ever understand in my lifetime. 

But, more importantly, it taught me to always ask questions. 

And that’s what I’m doin’ today… ‘cuz some of this shizzo just doesn’t make any sense. 

Let’s take a look at some contemporary mysteries of the universe, shall we?

Kyle Farnsworth Has a Job. Gregg Zaun Has a Job. Jermaine Dye Does NOT Have a Job. Again.

How does this work?  How does a bonafide game-yacker who cries a lot get paid $3 plus million a year while Jermaine Dye sits at home drinking scotch, watching NBA League Pass and surfing the 900 channels?  And Gregg Zaun?  Isn’t he an AARP officer?  The dude’s knees must be concrete by now!  Dye had what it takes to play last year and no one gave him a deal because he supposedly wanted too much money.  Well, I’m sorry, but I’d rather pay Dye decent money to do his thang rather than throw it at the above two fellas knowing the bad days have a good chance of outweighing the good.

General Electric No Longer Holds Majority Ownership of NBC

WHAT?!?  What is Jack Donaghy gonna pimp now?  Skin-a-max?  Oh, wait… that’s not such a bad idea!

Armando Gallaraga’s Very Bad… Life

He went from rookie sensation (2008) to minor league road block (2009) to work-in-progress (2010) to the imperfect game… THEN… in just a matter of hours went from agreeing to a $2.3 million contact to being DESIGNATED FOR ASSIGNMENT! DFA’D YO!!! That’s the sort of thing that happens to the Wilson Betemits of the world, not someone who had a perfect game ripped from his reach!

Matt Drudge’s Recent Lapse in Calling President Obama a Socialist

drudge homepage 1.18.11.JPG

Oh… wait.  Nevermind.  Mystery solved because there is no mystery.  He just went two days without a dig.  That’s… strange, but not mysterious.

And finally… one of the universe’s biggest mysteries…

prince fielder hungry 2.jpgHow Many Donuts Can Prince Fielder’s $15.5 Million Contract Really Buy?

As far as I know, vegetarians can eat donuts. 

And that’s a whole lot of donuts.

Yet I do not doubt Prince’s ability to devour them all.

Hate me ‘cuz I went a whole week without a Prince-Fielder-Is-Fat joke, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

13 Comments

I love you because of the Prince Fielder jokes!

And my son admires Carl Sagan and enjoy Cosmos as much as you do – he just got the whole series for Christmas.

Okay so that isn’t a very “article-related” comment but I wanted to share.

That’s awesome, Christy! Thanks for sharing! Keep encouraging your son to always be learning… that’s what Mr. Sagan taught me ;-)
–Jeff

I don’t know how many Donuts Prince will eat, but I know what Carl Sagan would say, “Billionssss and Billionsss”
http://wrigleyregular.mlblogs.com/

Isn’t it true right after he signed his new contract Prince Fielder told a sportswriter that if fans ” did not like his new cintract, they can eat tofu” or maybew that was a bad Onion website joke….not sure anymore.
With the Comedy Central time slot the Onion is starting to make more sense than ESPN or the MLB Network.
Wonder if any one else noticed that?
And to think my Rays wanted Dye two years ago and balked at hisprice….instead they did a steady diet of Pat Burrell which induced fan vomiting fits…..I would take Dyw over Manny….but Alad the Baseball Impaler might be our next DH…..in a symbiotic (Scrabble word) universe.

Rays Renegade
http://raysrenegade.mlblogs.com

Loved the pic of Fielder! As for Dye, the only possible reason I can imagine that no one has signed him is because his asking price is too high. Otherwise, I have no clue why an AL team wouldn’t take a shot at having his bat in their lineup.

Ron

http://strictlycubsbaseball.mlblogs.com/

Russel — That’s a LOT of donuts!
RR — I’d take Dye over Pat the Bat ANY day, but I think I’d take Vlad over Dye… no question.
Ron — Yeah, that’s what they said last year… but still, Farnsworth ain’t worth $3 million but he has no problem getting contracts. Thus, confusion…
–Jeff

That Price Fielder contract is crazy considering he’ll be a free agent, right? And Farnsy? Actually, I’m glad he got another job so we’ll always have material to write about.

http://janeheller.mlblogs.com

I’ve heard of some vegetarians that use the “I don’t eat meat” excuse TO eat donuts. Lots of them!!
http://paullebowitz.com.previewyoursite.com/blog/?p=259

Wait, Jermaine Dye is still available? How is that still possible? (Yes, you explained it, Jeff, but still…)

Oh, and Prince Fielder and his donut habit…well, sadly, there are only two Dunkin Donuts stores within 50 miles of Miller Park – both in Milwaukee. That’s not enough, really…

- Randy
http://heirloom.mlblogs.com

Farnsworth, Dye and Gallaraga? Perhaps the Treasury Department charts and decapitated chicken predictor from South Park’s episode on the mortgage meltdown can explain this, but I can’t.
- Kristen
http://blithescribe.mlblogs.com/

Jane — I know right!? Allen loves Farnsy anyway.
Prince — Donuts… I’m so over them. Sugared dough is okay when you’re a kid, but as a grown up I’d feel silly eating them.
Randy — Only TWO? There are two on my block alone in the CHI! In fact, there are more Dunkin’ Donuts here than anywhere else I’ve ever been. EVER.
Kristen — HAHAHA! That made me LOL.
–Jeff

Only two Dunkin Donuts in Milwaukee? How does Prince surivive? Does he buy out both stores??? Speaking of “Mysteries of the Universe”… ;)

Greg — I know, crazy, eh!??!?
–Jeff

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