Lot of surprises so far this season. Should anyone be panicking yet?
After the Rays and Red Sox picked up their first wins of the season on Friday night, I’m sure that both managers heaved a big sigh of relief. Of course when the Rays followed that up with news that Manny was retiring, I’m sure Joe Maddon dug right back into that Costco sized tub of Rolaids he must have been hitting the past ten days. So, I’m guessing that the Rays might be starting to panic.
But if there’s one guy who should truly be panicking at this point, it’s not Joe Maddon or anyone else on the Rays. It’s not Manny, it’s not Big Papi and it’s not any once, present or future Red Sox. No, if there’s one guy who should be panicking, it’s Laurent Gbagbo.
For those of you who aren’t quite sure who Mr. Gbagbo happens to be, let me give you a quick background. Mr. Gbagbo is a former Ivoirien freedom fighter who then went and got himself elected president of the Ivory Coast. However, he found Jesus while in office and after losing last year’s election, decided that Jesus wanted him to be the winner anyway. Since then he’s been trying to help Jesus out by killing people who voted against him. That hasn’t worked out too well, though, and now Mr. Gbagbo finds himself holed up in a bunker underneath his former residence while troops loyal to the president-elect slowly draw closer.
Understandably, Mr. Gbagbo should be panicking. Funny enough, though, he doesn’t seem to be sweating it at all.
Most likely there are a few reasons for that. Number one is that Ivory Coast is a basket case and rules don’t really seem to apply. Number two is that Mr. Gbagbo apparently has four months of supplies in his bunker and the troops protecting him have weaponry superior to that of the troops closing in. Number three is US Senator Jim Inhofe.
Uh, wait a minute. Jim Inhofe? That doesn’t make any sense. Why would he care about what happens in the Ivory Coast? Well, if you ask Mr. Inhofe, he’ll tell you it’s about Jesus.
See, the president-elect, Mr. Ouattara, comes from the northern part of the country, an area that is nominally Muslim, as is Mr. Ouattara. Mr. Gbagbo is from the southern, mainly Christian, part of the country and loves him some Jesus. Apparently where Mr. Inhofe comes from, this means that the election results shouldn’t matter and the US should recognize only the candidate who loves Jesus more.
Actually Marc, I think I’m going to change my answer at this point. Sure, maybe the Rays and Red Sox should be panicking a little. And maybe Gbagbo should as well. But the people who should really be panicking are all of us Americans. With leaders like Mr. Inhofe supporting despots like Mr. Gbagbo, we’re all screwed.
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