October 2011

Garbage Time: This is Thriller

When you’re a baseball and politics blog, things get a little interesting when the baseball season ends and it’s an off year for elections.  It’s like what you get in football when you’re up by four touchdowns with 30 seconds left to go.  Even if I were put in the game to quarterback at that point, it would be pretty hard to lose.

Luckily, there’s an answer to garbage time and its name is YouTube.  Today, in honor of Halloween, here’s a guy with waaaaay too much time on his hands.  Which is not to say that it isn’t impressive:

Happy Halloween!

-A

Squashed

As Game 6 of the Series drew to what appeared to be its close, I got very excited.  It wasn’t so much that I was cheering against my friend and his team but I had predicted the Rangers would win and I like to be right.  Beyond that, though, there was another thought.  The perfect post accompanied by the perfect video.  See, if the Cardinals had lost, I planned to post a video showing what had happened to Jeff’s hopes and dreams.  Instead, it now appears that this only applies to me:

Squashed indeed.

-A

LEGENDARY. EPIC. BUBBLY.

This.  Is.  Awesome.

2006 was special, but this… this is… LEGENDARY.  In fact, I think this is one of those cases where it really is necessary to describe the situation as EPIC.

And it’s epic, it’s legendary because, like a lot of good things that come to us in life, it was completely unexpected — increasingly unexpected — each step of the way.

From being 10.5 games out of a playoff spot on August 25th, to just squeezing their way in on the last day of the season, to beating one of the best baseball teams of the last decade, to nipping the rivaled favorite with a thumping in the Championship Series, to coming back from five deficits in a must-win Game 6 that included a game-tying bottom of the 9th RBI triple AND an extra-inning walk-off homerun BY THE SAME PLAYER.

To winning it all.

That gives me real, tangible hope for life. It reminds me that great things do happen when ya really work hard.

It says never give up.

And enjoy the ride.

I tip my cap to the Rangers.  They’re a fantastic team.  But right now I’m gonna sit back and enjoy this…*pops the BUBBLY*

Also, my first son’s name will be Freese.  Just so ya know.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m on the winning team, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.  (Talkin’ to you, Jonestein) ;-)

Peace,

Jeffy

(Images via Michael Heiman/Getty Images)

THE Game 6

Last night’s game — from here and forever to be referred to solely as “THE Game 6″ — caused defibrillator industry stock prices to rise at the same exponential rate as my own blood pressure, let alone reminding the masses that YOU DON’T QUIT.

YOU NEVER QUIT.

For those three or four people who shamed the universe by not watching that most unimaginable game, here’s a quick video recap:

FREAKS Trailer from Thierry Custine on Vimeo.

FREAKS!  CIRCUS FREAKS!  AHHHHHHHHH!!!

Invoking the ’06 Tigers defense?  Seeing Albert lose his cool with the low strike calling ump?  To come from behind FIVE times?!?!?

And David… wow… what about David Freese making himself a St. Louis LEGEND?!?

TWICE.

I hope I never wake up.

Happy Friday, Y’all!

Jeff

(Image via Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)

RSBS Presents: Reintegration

Just in case you’ve been so wrapped up in the World Series that you missed what’s going on around the US, RSBS is here to give you a quick rundown as you slowly start to reintegrate.

Occupy Wall Street:

What exactly is going on down there?

Cool, I get it now.

Herman Cain:

Who is this guy?

I think Herman is the black guy at the end…but he could be the guy with the cigarette, too.  Or maybe Herman is in all of us.  Whoa.

My Generation:

Why don’t I identify with Generation X or the Millennials?

Sweet, it’s because I’m Jared Leto!

So, there you go.  Only a game or two left.  Welcome back to America, baseball fans.

-A

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Semi-Closeted Tony Plush Lover, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“Blind faith is the crutch of fools.”

We may not be in the Prince/Pujols derby, but it’s fine. It’s fine.

My water just broke. Theo is here. I’m feeling woozy.

I’ve been harvesting my organs to get the perfect GM. I’ve been licking my cat’s fanny to find the best. I’ve been on a Rambo-style manhunt to make sure the Cubs can be good for an extended amount of time.

I’VE EVEN TRIED HUMAN MEAT!!! (That part is almost true.)

Theo is the smartest thing that has ever happened to the Cubs.

At the press conference yesterday, he said “I promised I wouldn’t bring up the Red Sox,” but it’s ok, Theo. You said the right things at the right moments. You talked about “being on base and defense.” CRAZY! I am over the moon, trying to slow my roll, but you, Theo, are everything I’ve ever wanted: smart, savvy and new!

In my lifetime, being awful has been the Cub paradigm. Things have to change now. We might need a Castro coach to show him… defense. The way Wrigley plays may require some of Theo’s number crunching. But we have more hope now than we’ve had the last 15 years combined. (See Baker, Piniella, et al)

But best of all, as I write this, Theo Epstein is hatching a plan to dismantle every last bit of crap left in the C’s organization.

I’m in. I’m all in. AND… his sister, Anya, wrote for Homicide: Life on the Streets!! My favorite show of ever!!!

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Fahrenheit Four Fifty O’Reilly

The right of free speech ingrained into the Constitution our freedom to say whatever stupid thing might pop into our heads.  In general, this is a good thing.  Within certain reasonable limits, we can express our opinions on everything from foreign affairs to Fanta soda.  It allows us to question whether or not the President of the United States is an American and then choose not to believe the facts when he presents his birth certificate.  It’s a powerful right, even if it tends to be wasted on people who seem to exercise it the most wantonly.

Luckily, it cuts both ways and occasionally leads to heart-warming images like this:

I wouldn’t say I’m generally in favor of book burning but I understand the sentiment.  One time while living overseas I received a package at my local post office.  Now, to release packages from the postal system in this country, you were required to pay by weight.  I didn’t have a lot of money but it was a package and I didn’t get a lot of them so I paid up.  The box was somewhat heavy and came from my grandma so I rushed home to open it up.  Imagine my surprise when I cut through the tape to find a bunch of Reader’s Digest magazines and Bible devotionals.  Not one of my better days, I can assure you.  And I’m pretty sure a few of those items went up in flames.

The point is, I can understand the need to burn something.  Like how I wanted to burn my 2011 Detroit Tigers’ team program when they finished rolling over so the Rangers could finish them off.  But instead I just use my Freedom of Speech and write about it.  Hey, it could be a collectible one day.  The writings of Bill O’Reilly?  Not so much.

-A

Time to Bring Back the Lady Killer?

Whether you’re a Rangers fan, a Cardinals fan, or just a good old puritan brand of baseball fan, there is no question that this World Series is so far proving to be one of the dramatically fulfilling variety.  I mean, how many heart attacks is one expected to suffer through before this thing is over?!?!  I would not be surprised if it goes the full seven.

But what does surprise me is that Derek Holland — good as he was in Game 4 — still holds his head high while wearing that small, malnourished varmint on his upper lip.  I know his teammates razz him plenty; but seriously, how does that thing not make him hide his head in shame every night?

However he does it, the RSBS staff has taken notice.  In fact, two of the more senior RSBS interns have approached me with the request to bring back the “Lady Killer”.  For those of you dear readers unaware of this phenomenon, let me remind you with this picture taken during All-Star Weekend 2009:

That arrow.  It’s pointing at it.

It’s pointing at… the Lady Killer.

It’s often mistaken for a sex-life killer, but hell, if it works for Holland, maybe I should consider bringing it back.

Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

Do you guys drink beer and eat fried chicken and play video games while you’re supposed to be perfecting your craft?

Kevin
Chicago, IL
___________________________________

Frankly, Kevin, I’m insulted.  That’s like going up to C.C. Sabathia and asking him if he sits around eating Krispy Kremes while he’s supposed to be working on his change-up.  Look at the guy!  You don’t get a body like that without a healthy serving of lard and/or hydrogenated fats at least twice a day.

The same is true of the RSBS team.  We are a well-oiled machine and part of that oil comes from the grease collecting at the bottom of the multiple family size buckets of KFC original recipe chicken that we consume every single day.  Sometimes the grease gums up the controllers of the Xbox forlornly attached to the 13-inch TV one of our mothers gave us in 1998 but luckily a splash (accidental or otherwise) of Schlitz or Milwaukee’s Best solves that problem.

Just kidding.  Blogging is a grueling slog through the minefield that is humanity but it’s a slog we happily undertake for you, the reader, on a daily basis.  Slogging, however, shouldn’t be entered into lightly.  It’s a process, one that often begins with hours of painful research trying to come up with the perfect photo of the current Miss USA:

Or the ideal angle at which to view Ines Sainz:

Sure, it may look easy but there exists the rare occasion when the results more closely resemble the feces streaked walls of the primate cage at your local zoo.  That doesn’t mean we didn’t try, though.  Also, as a side note, who’s to say that design by defecation doesn’t constitute art?

The fact of the matter, Kevin, is that we’re here day in and day out to bring you a product that requires our full attention and a respect for our audience that belies any sort of orgy of fast food gluttony or the occasional video game bender.  What we’re doing is too important to not take care of ourselves.  And now that I have fully made my point, I feel vindicated in finishing the cold beer I cracked open while sitting down to write this.  Hey, it’s only one out of three.  That’s not so bad.

-A

- – -

*The Filibuster will be taking its regular offseason hiatus starting next Sunday.  Don’t worry, it will be back in time for Spring Training 2012, so keep a lookout!  In the meantime, please enjoy our offhanded satire and scantily clad womenz who will take its place on Sundays during the Fall/Winter.  Thank you to all who have written in!

Things I’m Doing While Waiting for Game Three

1.  Remembering that no one gave us a chance in 2006 either

2.  Sending a boatload of chicken, beer and video games to the Rangers’ clubhouse

3.  Whisky

4.  Encouraging Wash to use Ogando against Craig, again and forever

5.  Trying to find a reason to hate the Rangers (it’s hard!)

6.  Beer

7.  Watching — over and over and over again — Waino’s snappy curve to strikeout Inge in ’06

8.  Driving by Wrigley Field, reminding myself that LIFE COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE

9.  Organizing a harem of hotties to stand outside of Josh Hamilton’s house with an 8-ball and body shots

10.  Whisky and beer

Happy Saturday, Y’all!

Jeff

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