November 2011

Three Up, Three Down: 11.11.11 Edition

Just like the unfounded superstitions of the delusional masses, this is gonna be LOUD, in your face and probably a bit offensive:

Wilson Ramos Kidnapped

I know Venezuela has a vast array of domestic problems, but why kidnap Wilson Ramos?!?!  While he may some day become a catching superstar for the Nationals, he only made the league minimum in his 2011 rookie season, and I can think of 18 million reasons why Carlos Zambrano would have made a better target.

Rick Perry Is a Moron

In case the whole let’s waste taxpayer money and time by devoting an entire day to praying that “God” will fix our country’s financial woes rather than taking any responsibility or doing any actual work to make things better strategy didn’t prove that presidential hopeful Rick Perry is a mindless delusionoid, then perhaps this republican debate gaffe will make it clear:


MLB & Taiwan All-Stars

Hooray!  There was baseball in November… even if no one outside of Taipei paid any attention to it.  I heard there were some exciting moments, but none could be considered as entertaining as my favorite Chinese baseball experience:

Happy Friday!

Jeff

Joe Girardi and Afghanistan: A Comparison

One of the best cures for just about anything (except probably dysentery) is vacation.  Getting away from everything, giving yourself a chance to clear the cobwebs from the mind, often helps put it all into perspective.  For instance, Joe Girardi started his vacation a little earlier than expected this season and has already come to the realization that he needs better starting pitching.  Granted, pretty much any baseball fan could have told him that but sometimes you need a little time away to fully comprehend the obvious.

Maybe that’s the problem with Afghanistan and Pakistan:

They’re pretty limited on the number of countries they can visit without a visa and that definitely complicates things.  Getting a visa is a big hassle so people just leave it be.  When you do that indefinitely, though, it also limits your vacation options and next thing you know, Taliban.

There is another option, though.  It ain’t cheap but it’s a do-it-yourself vacation that only requires a couple trees:

Yep, I think that’s exactly what the Afghans and the Pakistanis need.  Come to think of it, Joe Girardi might need one, too, especially if he doesn’t find those pitchers.

-A

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Muppet Aficionado, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

Left-Hand Hate KO’d by Love.

I’ve been living in the house of ill repute. I got my diploma from the University of Strange. Somehow Jeff and Allen let me spew about any and all things on this fine site, which BLOWS MY MIND.

Writers who can’t read get a lot of work because they’re rare. Like tall jockeys. Or short NBA centers. I’m RARE. I grew up with gypsies and dancers. I still can’t read but I CAN dance. And hopefully, unlike the Vatican and Penn State, I’m on the right side of child molestation…

After a great and entertaining World Series it’s free agent time! For managers AND players!

The Cubs’ pursuit of Mike Maddux is on and I’m in. In my strange, odd baseball world, I think he’d be a fine choice. I don’t really believe hitting coaches do much, but pitching coaches do. He did some fine work with the Texas Power Rangers staff and got em back to back AL pennants. I never even heard of half their guys but they pitched their tails off. The older brother of legendary Cubs and Braves great Greg Maddux deserves a shot here. He doesn’t want the Red Sox job, doesn’t want to move his family halfway across the country. And after all the drama that has unfolded in Boston’s recent collapse, who can blame him?

With Theo on board, the Cubs are close to becoming respectable. I just hope the supporting brass knows enough to leave him alone so he can do his damn job without interruptions. There were many rumors that Jim Hendry had people in his ear about who to draft and what free agents to sign. THAT CAN’T HAPPEN AGAIN!!

I remember when I got fired from Applebee’s, because I refused to take Mr. Senor Love Daddy off my name tag. DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!

Hopefully this doesn’t happen to Theo. Even if he doesn’t pick Maddux, I’m sure he’ll Do the Right Thing.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

Inward and Upward!

The US has a penchant for invention, especially when it comes to sports.  Need something to fill up your leisure time?  Let’s go throw a ball into a peach basket!  In between wars but feeling the need to crush something?  Let’s inflate a pigskin and then crash into each other!  Upset that America doesn’t have a game quite as confusing as cricket?  Let’s grab a bat and ball and then invent the infield fly rule!  We enjoy the intersection of skill and chance that sporting endeavors provide but at the same time we’re oddly inwardly focused.

Take soccer for instance.  Most of the world is absolutely insane over soccer but we prefer watching cars drive in circles for hours on end.  We don’t dislike soccer for being soccer.  We dislike soccer for not being ours.  Nascar and Indy, though?  That’s all us.

So it makes sense that as the Euro and world markets fall apart, we tend to focus on the issues that go no further than our shores.  Even the problems of our neighbors, like Mexico’s burgeoning civil war, are seen as “their” problems.  Not ours.

Unlike soccer, though, external financial problems do affect us.  Americans don’t consume like they did through the 90’s and the early 2000’s so if manufacturers want to continue selling their goods and hiring employees to make those goods, they need a market.  Europe is a big part of that market but, well, I’ll leave it to this guy to explain:

I’m not saying we’re all screwed.  I’m not saying we’re all going to die.  But I’m also not saying where I buried my gold.

-A

Herman Cain Is Kevin Millar

Inquiring minds of dear readers galore have been BEGGING to know, just who is this Herman Cain.  Well, my friends, beg no more.  The RSBS interns and I have been doing the necessary research, and we have come to the conclusion that Herman Cain is politics’ very own Kevin Millar.

That’s right.  He’s a bumbling, fumbling hick dressed up proper who says stuff just to say stuff, even if it makes no sense.

Don’t believe me?  Check it out for yourself:


Hate me ‘cuz I got the footage to back it up, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*The above also does not assume Millar might be associated with any sexual harassment… of human beings anyway.

Adams Family Values

One thing that sets the US apart from most of the rest of the world is that when we have a problem, we feel safe in turning to the police and our justice system.  Sure, there are instances where that trust is misplaced but in general, if someone is in your house, you call 911 and hope the police show up.  Likewise, if someone wrongs you, you believe that when you take them to court a fair and impartial judge will weigh your case on its merit and decide based on the law.

Because we place this level of trust in our justice system, we also have high expectations for its executors both inside and outside their job.  If you knew a baseball umpire spent time with a rival manager outside the ballpark, would you feel confident about a close call going your way if he was officiating a matchup between the two of you?  Of course not.  The same is true of judges.  Of course we expect them to be impartial but we also expect them to comport themselves in a manner that affirms this confidence, even outside the courtroom.  This is what makes the case of William Adams so disturbing:

Now, in all fairness, I got spanked multiple times when I was growing up.  And to be even more fair, I deserved it every time.  But when it happened, it was quick, it wasn’t done in anger and the anticipation of the punishment was always much, much worse than the punishment itself.  This guy, though?  He’s just going off.  What does that say about his rationality or his ability to decide a case that makes him emotional?

That’s the thing, isn’t it?  No matter how hard we try, actions always speak louder than words.  And when the actions directly contradict the words, we take it personally.  Eliot Spitzer was forced to resign, not because he had sex with a call-girl, but because he created a law-and-order persona with his words while his actions told us otherwise.  We’re capable of saying many wonderful things but ultimately, our actions betray us.

In the end, I find the case of William Adams reassuring.  Yes, he let down the people of his county but the court moved to rectify the situation when it became aware of the video.  Instead of saying they would look into the issue, they made him step down while investigating.  The system still works.

-A

A Non-Rhotic Entertainment Experiment

I’m not much of television watcher.  Outside of sporting events and the occasional Survivor Man episode, I just can’t get into something week after week.

I blame The Wire.  After blowing through all five seasons in just a few short weeks a couple years ago, everything else just seemed like Jersey Shore: a bunch of self-obsessed lame-ohs screaming and yelling while adding nothing positive to the universe.

And then there was this…


Hate me ‘cuz I helped put some nasty images in your head, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Happy Saturday!

Jeff

Don’t Give Me That Sanctity Crap!: Redux

This time the “sanctity” comes courtesy of the Kardashians and the NBA:

Don’t worry, there are plenty of baseball examples, too.  We just want to make sure the NFL and NBA get their recognition.

On a side note, is it just me or does Khloe vaguely resemble Shrek wearing a wig?

-A

A Stake Through the Heart?

By now, my century long-depressed baseball brethren on the north side of Chicago are aware that, despite Prince Charming occupying the king’s seat at Addison and Clark, Cubbie Land might still get turned on its head.

Oh yes.

Ryne Sandberg.

If Ryne Sandberg becomes the new manager of the St. Louis Cardinals — THE WORLD CHAMPION ST. LOUIS CARDINALS — then I think I might just pee on myself.

Oh, the joy… to think, that one of the greatest Cubs in the history of the world — THE SAME CUB WHO WAS SNUBBED OVER FOR MIKE “LAME DUCK” QUADE — could sit at the St. Louis helm with those beautiful, beautiful birds on the bat, blazing across his Hall of Fame chest.

Oh sure, Francona would be great.  Oquendo too.  Hell, even Pettini is good in my book.

But Ryno… oh Ryno… *SALIVATES*

A friend of mine ran into Ryno, his wife and some friends of theirs in Times Square this summer.  He said he was so in awe of the Hall of Fame second baseman that he sort of lost track of his thoughts and the forced conversation sorta became… awkward.

I imagine it was the same sort of awkward that would come from him championing the Cardinals to a World Series title in 2012…

Hate me!  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

Peace,

Jeff

Don’t Give Me That Sanctity Crap!

I’ve never understood the religious conservatives’ fascination with what goes on in the bedroom.  It took until 2003 for the Supreme Court to strike down a Texas law prohibiting sodomy and even today, despite the overturning of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and multiple polls showing that a majority of Americans now support a homosexual couples’ right to marry, these same religious conservatives continue to use people’s private lives as a wedge to drive us apart.

So, what’s truly going on here?  Do they really feel so strongly about what goes where behind closed doors or is there something more to it?

Sadly, it seems to be the latter even though it has also become cliche.  Take the story of Roberto Arango, for instance.  The nadir of this sordid tale isn’t so much the part where the guy who opposes gay adoption rights posts naked pictures of himself spreading his cheeks on the internet.  No, it’s the excuse that follows: “You know I’ve been losing weight. As I shed that weight, I’ve been taking pictures.”

But there’s always an excuse, isn’t there?  There’s an excuse for how the gay porn shot ended up on a site called Grindr just like there’s an excuse for why people’s private lives should be legislated.  If you left it up to people like Rick Santorum and Tim Tebow, everyone would wait until they were married to have sex (heterosexual, of course) and even then, it would only be missionary and with the lights off.  Yes, this is the same Tim Tebow who kissed a guy full on the lips after the biggest (and only) victory of his NFL career.

It’s the height of hypocrisy because the same guys who tell you what you can and can’t do in the privacy of your bedroom will get full up in your face if you question why they feel the need to flaunt their faith in front of everyone on the field and millions of TV viewers.  They call it their “testimony” but I call it hypocrisy and it’s that hypocrisy that makes the “Tebowing” phenomenon so hilarious.  It’s what makes me laugh whenever I see a replay of Stephen Tulloch sacking Tebow then dropping to a knee to “Tebow” right next to him.  It’s also what makes me crazy when people start going off on Tulloch and calling him “un-Christian” because of the move.  Get out of our bedrooms and get off of Tulloch’s case.

Ultimately, the Republicans and especially the religious zealots of the party would be better served if they took a moment and listened to Clint Eastwood.  When asked about gay marriage by GQ, he responded,  “We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of.”

Now that, my friends, is a true patriot.  Too bad no one actually listens to him.  Not like they do Tebow, at least.  On the bright side, though, if Tebow continues to play the way he did against the Lions, the only testimony he’ll provide is how quickly a QB can get bounced out of the NFL.

-A

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