Lies, Lies, Lies

In an election year, it should be no surprise that we US Americans are being bombarded with a barrage of twisty little lies.  Whether it’s the Obama camp’s magical math making unemployment numbers “plummet” or Rick Santorum and his imaginary friend pretending that the whole American Revolution and subsequent Constitution thingy isn’t really what it seems, we cannot escape the onslaught of fibbery.

But such fibbery is expected from the political lot.  It is when such vitriol enters the baseball universe that I get extremely pissy.

For example…

“We were able to get through this because I am innocent and the truth is on our side.”
– Ryan Braun

Um… no.  You were able to get through this ‘cuz you’re a multi-millionaire with legit counsel and a Mark Fuhrman wannabe handling your bodily fluids under the direction of King Bud.  Exoneration in this case does not equal innocence, Mr. Braun.  It merely suggests there is reasonable doubt.  You still got more testosterone in you than Kim Kardashian at the NBA All-Star Game.  And it seems just as… icky.

“My loyalty is here (Texas). This is where I’ve been, this is where my family has been. I would love to be here.”
– Josh Hamilton

Now I don’t want to go picking on Josh Hamilton because he’s not very bright, but I do want to pick on him for spittin’ the same stupid lie as every other potential free agent baseballer lookin’ to get paid: ENOUGH ALREADY.  “My loyalty is here”… pshh.  PLEASE.  Your loyalty is wherever they pay you the most.  That’s how it works and we all know it.  Your family is not going to have too much of a problem moving to a different city to chase that pay-puh.  Determine who will give you the most money with the most years and that’s where you’ll go.  To say anything different is a slap in the face of cold, hard fact.  I’m an adult.  I can handle the truth.  Maybe.

“The guy (Alfonso Soriano) works his butt off all the time.”
– Dale Sveum, Cubs Manager

Okay, Dale.  I’m gonna help you out with this one.  YOU NEED SOME NEW GLASSES, BRO.  See, I’ve been following Sori’s career since he was a young pup.  And from New York to Texas to D.C. to the Chi, Alfonso Soriano is THE LAST PERSON ON THE PLANET I would say “works his butt off all the time.”  ESPECIALLY while in Chicago.  In fact, there is an entire faction of Cubs fans who want him crucified!  They wouldn’t flinch an inch if Sori ceased manning left field tomorrow.  Forever.  For good.  Why, Mr. Sveum?  Because Alfonso Soriano is the absolute KING of lollygagging.  His defense is atrocious and he is NOTORIOUS for gazing at might-be homeruns that are actually doubles that drop in for long singles because he doesn’t hustle out of the box.

If you’re here to fix the Cubs, Mr. Sveum, you might want to know what they’ve been used to the last 103 years: PAIN.  SUFFERING.  AGONIZING PAIN AND SUFFFFFFFFEEEEERRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.

And goats.

Hate me.  Fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

5 Comments

That Kim Kardashian comment made me laugh so hard I peed my pants a little. Just sayin’…funny stuff.
–Mike

So it would be fair to say that famous Kennedy speeches get Santorum frothing at the mouth? Gotta love election season – though I had so hoped Santorum would be out of the running by now.
Okay, the Kim Kardashian line had me laughing pretty hard too. And as for Sveum, did he lose a bet?? Because I think even old glasses should be able to discern that level of obvious. :)
— Kristen

Mike — I thought about using the Lil Kim reference, but that went out of vogue about 15 years ago. LOL.
Kristen — Seriously. Does he really think we’re gonna believe Soriano is working his butt off at anything other than being a dufus? Ugh. And yes, HOW is Santorum still in this? ‘Mericans are STOOOOOPID.
–Jeff

Haha. My feelings about Ryan Braun??? Now I really know that brilliant Matt Kemp was robbed and that obviously money can buy you good counsel. But God and Ryan know he did wrong. First it was that he took a prescription drug (testosterone is a prescription drug as well as steroids) then it was chain of custody in the sample. Which was it Mr Braun??? Irregardless, he didn’t deserve MVP if you look at the numbers anyway. Love your post as usual. Always makes me laugh out loud!!

Thanks, Cat. I wish we didn’t have to go through this mess at all though. I felt like it was a toss-up between Kemp and Braun for MVP and the playoffs being the decider. Can’t change the past unfortunately.

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