Anaheim Albert ang I Are Juss Having Fung, Mang

The Twittersphere is a strange place.  It can be as welcoming as it is alienating, as terrifying as it is hilarious.  But just like anything else on the interwebs, it is what you make of it.

Over the years, I have fawned over several accounts in order to make SUPER-HAPPY-FUN TIME.  Coco Crisp’s was golden.  Barry Zito’s was embarrassing (before he blocked me from talking to him).  And I’ve probably cried more laughing at the hilarity of Fake Ned Yost than I have all the times I’ve watched Braveheart combined (stop judging me).

But these days there’s a new mang in town (somewhere along I-5 between Los Anaheim and Orange Angeles County).

BEHOLD: ANAHEIM ALBERT!

He waxes on performance:

Hey Angel fangs, I have a friend who mightwant to know how to cork a bat. Is for a friend. You guys dont know him. Let me know…Is not me

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) May 1, 2012

Dee dee call last night ang said AJ beng going round school telling kids that his dad is Matt Carpenter. Who the hell is Matt Carpenter?

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) May 4, 2012

Dee Dee says the Sang Luis Dick’s Sports selling my Cards shirts for $1.99She thinks they making fun of my batting average.199? I wish!

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) May 9, 2012

Compares himself to others:

You stupid Cards fangs cant compare me ang Carlos Beltran.He gets to bat right handed ANG left handed.

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) May 9, 2012

Today, God was like “Hey Albert, Ing ready for you to hit a home rung…but first, I want you to look stupid striking out”. And so it was.

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) May 7, 2012

Just heard about Josh Hamilton….Someonge should tell him dat nobody likes a show off.

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) May 9, 2012

And provides sultry details to his odd albeit professional relationship with his agent Dan Lozano:

Back at Dan Lozano’s house. Blood, trash, Broken bottles. Dan sleeping. Two girls passed out ong couch. Starting to think Dan skipped church

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) April 30, 2012

Lozano was sleeping on da driveway wheng I left da house today.

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) May 6, 2012

Dan Lozano ang the house keeper throwing a Cinco party today. Donkeys, chickens, gunshots. Take me back to the Scott Spezio days. Crazy shit

— A. Pujols (@AnaheimAlbert) May 6, 2012

Extra mad points for that Scott Spiezio reference.  He’s another man whose heroics are shared by both Halos fans and Redbird Nation.

Speaking of Spiezio, where’s my scotch… and the strippers???  ALBERT!!!!

Hate me ‘cuz I made you L-O-L, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff