Denounce & Reject!

In the wake of a heated debate over semantics between two ofour nation’s most prominent leaders, I realize that in recent months I too have made the grave error of not being entirely clear on where I stand when it comes to the important issues of baseball—this nation’s greatest game. In fact, as a marginal baseball purist who respects certain progressive movements within the institution in order to bring the game to a wider audience, many of my contemporaries have gone as far as to call me a flip-flopper (daresay!) simply because I chose to denounce rather than reject myriad controversial ameliorations.

Let there be no question. I may not have said it in the past, but life is certainly not about the past (just ask Mark McGwire), so I take this opportunity to make it absolutely clear that I do hereby DENOUNCE & REJECT the following atrocities afflicting our precious game today:

1. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: $6 Old Style 20oz. Cans at Wrigley Field

I can walk to my local general store and buy an entire 6-pack of Old Style 20 ouncers for $4.39. I go to a ballgame and have to take out a loan to get my fill of an awful excuse for a beer. To make it worse, this is the cheapest beer you can get at Wrigley and lord knows that if I’m going to Wrigley, I have no choice but to drink in case the bleacher bum hooligans try to start something with me. It’s a catch 22 really: drink and I’m better prepared to stave off any threats of violence, while at the same time, drinking forces me to use the men’s room more frequently and the men’s room is where I have been most frequently targeted. Perhaps the real issue is me wearing my Cardinals hat and jersey while throwing about inappropriate remarks like “We are the Champions!”, “Cubs S**k” and “Broglio for Brock, Broglio for Brock!” while standing at the trough surrounded by drunk frat guys from DePaul. Nah, that can’t be it. It’s the $6 Old Styles.

2. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: Individuals Who Sing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ Incorrectly

People, it’s crackerjack, singular, not plural. And yes, it is a double negative, “I don’t care if I never get back”. It means I want to come back. Come on. And really, it’s “root, root, root for the Cardinals”, no matter where you are or who’s playing.

3. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: Pink Cashmere Sweater Wearing White-Collar Sex & the City Watching Rush Limbaugh Listening Cell Phone Talking Mai Tai Drinking Who’s Winning Asking Trophy Wives with the Best Seats in the House

(See A fan for all seasons, by Allen Krause)

4. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: The NY/BOS/LA Lovefest Media’s Propensity to Totally Ignore the Existence of an NL and/or AL Central Division

The Cardinals, the Astros, the Cubs, the Brewers, the White Sox, the Tigers, the Indians, the Twins. Here we have eight teams that have been consistently good in recent years, with heated division races year in and year out and yet the lead story on Baseball Tonight almost always has something to do with A-Rod and a stripper, or Man-Ram failing to cash his check from the Indians in 2000 because he didn’t have time to go to the bank or whether or not Jeff Kent will be an a-hole this year. Ridiculous.

5.  I DENOUNCE & REJCECT: Those Silly Between-Inning Games that Require Us to Keep Our Eyes on the Ball Under the Hat on the JumboTron While they Spin Around Like Crazy

You know what I’m talking about. And you know how ridiculous it is. I’ve read the reports and I know that we US Americans have short attention spans, but come on, we’re baseball fans. We get off on watching the third basemen move a few steps towards the line when a right-handed pull hitter steps to the plate. We make it a point to watch and see who warms up the right fielder in between innings. We write entire blog entries on the strange between-inning rituals of our favorite players. Are we really that starved for entertainment that we will succumb to watching a guy spin around a bat ten times and try to make it to first base without falling down?

6. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: The Growing Tendency of Teams Having 12 Different Uniform Combinations

I admit, I thought it was kind of cool when the White Sox introduced the ‘alternate’ all-black jersey. Many teams followed that trend: the Rockies,the Marlins, the Devil Rays, the Reds, the Angels, the Pirates, the Mets, and many more. The problem is that they didn’t stop with just the one alternate jersey. Now teams carry 3 or 4 alternate jerseys and sometimes more than that: with sleeves, without sleeves, black, alternate team color base, with pinstripes, without pinstripes, and alternate pants too! Come on. Can we please go back to road greys and home whites? When I turn on a game I don’t want to spend the first ten minutes trying to figure out who’s playing by trying to decode the odd uni combos.

7. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: The Constant Mispronunciation of Chinese Names

Yes, my bias enters here. It’s Wang (pronounced wahng, not waing). It’s Chen (pronounced chen, just like it looks, not chaing). It’s Chien (pronounced jee-AN, not jen). You guys took the time to get Daisuke’s name right, show a little respect for the godfather of Asia, yeah?

8. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: The Fact that at US Cellular Field a Miller Lite and a Sam Adams Cost Exactly the Same

Beer again, I know, but come on. How can you charge $7 for a Miller Lite and a Sam Adams as if they’re equal in quality? Who in their right mind would buy a Miller Lite? You’d be real surprised how few Sox fans can actually tell the difference.

9. I DENOUNCE & REJECT: MLB Superstars Who Fail to Own Up to their Mistakes

Come on, Barry. Roger. Mark. Come on now. I like to think that MLB fans are among the smartest devoted followers of sport. We are also the most forgiving. We love Ty Cobb and he was an absolute abomination of a human being. We love Babe Ruth and he was a man of many vices and mistakes. But you know what? They never shied away from who they were in the public eye. They owned up to their shortfalls. Look at Andy Pettitte. The nation loves him again because he was honest and didn’t take us for a bunch of fools. Be honest about that cream, Barry. Admit that wasn’t B12, Roger. Talk about the past, Mark. We’ll love you for it.

…and finally…

10. I do hereby DENOUNCE & REJECT: Major League Baseball’s Ban on Pete Rose

Somebody hit Selig over the head and put Charlie Hustle in the Hall of Fame. Let him come to the ballpark. Just think of how much more exciting the game would be with Pete in it. This is 2008. Our future president admitted he did blow. Our current president did blow all the time. Our previous president smoked ****-o-weed. Why can’t the baseball brass recognize how archaic and asinine their decision to ban Pete Rose for life is and how negatively it has affected the game? Get over it, Bud. Do the right thing.

And please, please, please…don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy