Results tagged ‘ Barry Zito ’

Hey, Mat Latos, Meet an Equally Arrogant Self-Serving Professional!

Thumbnail image for mat latos.jpgThe truth is: I was going to leave this one in the proverbial scrap pile of unprocessed information otherwise known as my oft useless brain, but after reading this touching letter to Colorado Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitski, I decided this might have a place.

I mean, I already infuriated Barry Zito (or at least his handlers) earlier this year by writing the truth: that during his Giants tenure, he hasn’t performed as well as that lofty contract might suggest.  Before I knew it he was blocking me from his Twitter account and I was wallowing in the kind of sorrow that only comes from not knowing what band Barry Zito thinks “rocks” or what type of scarf he’s going to wear to the polo club to impress his famously hot girlfriends.

Whoo wee!

So I certainly hope that when I call out Padres pitching prospect, Mat Latos, for acting like a bratty child during pre-game activities at this year’s Futures Game, that he doesn’t block me from watching his so-called Tim Lincecum-like delivery on MLB.TV. 

Oh wait.  Why would I ever want to watch a Padres game?  Nevermind.

Still, much like the young fireballer Latos, I too am trying to become established, to make a name for myself, to be noticed.  And the truth is, Mat, you and I, we can be a team.  Maybe…

First you will have to brush up on your people skills.  For example, when little kids ask you to toss a batting practice ball up to them in the stands, I wouldn’t fake-throw it (like one tends to do with his dog because watching a dog chase nothing is funny) then laugh with your buddies at how clever you are.  And I also wouldn’t spend most of that shagging time trying to launch errant balls high up into the upper decks (and fail miserably) because those balls were falling down onto we little people at high speeds and someone could have gotten hurt. 

See, the thing is, Mat, I know you’re young and all that talent has probably gotten to you; still, remember that you’re living a dream — that you have been gifted with the ability to play a game… for a living — and that your personality on and off the field will have a whole lot to do with how we plebeian fans perceive you.  Don’t care how the fans perceive you?  See Barry Bonds for more information on how it can go horribly wrong.

crying kids.jpgLucky for you, Mat, I’m a pretty understanding guy.  And I can be a snot-nose sometimes too.  I won’t fault you for that… but remember who you are aiming your snot-nosedness at, Mat.  The kids.  Remember the kids. 

Those kids — kids who look up to you even though they have no idea who you are, ‘cuz let’s face it, right now you’re a nobody just like Lastings Milledge is a nobody — those kids, when you mess with them, they don’t take it so well.

Remember that and you will be good to go.  I almost guarantee it.  Okay, I sorta guarantee it.

Good luck, Mat!  Hope to see you around the ballpark and maybe — if you feel lucky — you might even consider attacking my character… when you get a break from being the next Tim Lincecum that is…

Hate me ‘cuz I call ‘em out, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(“Crying Kids” image courtesy of The B.S. Report)

It Takes a Special Kind of Delivery

barack obama white sox cap.jpgAttacking our Commander in Chief for his administration’s slow recovery from eight long years of poor GOP policy is one thing; attacking him for his pitching mechanics is another and, frankly, I find it to be an undermining, un-American, unnecessary derision of the US American psyche.

I mean, this is not Barry Zito we’re talking about here.  This is the President of the United States of America!

Yet it didn’t take long for Chicago Tribune writer Rick Morrissey to launch an offensive on Barack Obama’s ceremonial first pitch from the 2009 All-Star Game, highlighted by his glib crack which stated “he throws like someone who hardly has played sports” and “If I’m North Korea, I attack right now.”

Wow.  Hope you got a bunker, Rick.  You’re gonna need it.

Seeing President Obama walk out on the field was a special treat for me; and while from my right field vantage point I did notice somewhat of an awkward arc to his ball, I would never say it looked like an nonathletic toss.  Verily, Albert Pujols saved him from bouncing one in front of the plate; but believe me, I have seen much, much worse.

Mayor Mallory anyone?

Of course, when it comes to stellar ceremonial first pitches and beyond fantastic form, it would be exceptionally difficult to beat the Japanese:

Take note bottom-dwelling, low-drawing, aesthetically-challenged Major League Baseball clubs: get this gal to throw all of your ceremonial first pitches and watch the magic unfold (or just watch her chest through that low cut pinstriped top).

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Lord, What Have I Done?

erin andrews 2.jpgMake one declaration to the worldwide interwebosphere about how you’re going to do everything in your power to land a date with the most beautiful woman in sports broadcasting and suddenly you’re considered a creepazoid stalker who could use a lesson or two in social tact.

Creepazoid?  Maybe.  Tactless?  Probably.  Stalker?  No, sir.

I made my intentions very clear; and I’m pretty sure I was a perfect gentleman.  It’s 2009, y’all, and the internets is where it’s at.  I mean, you can do everything on this crazy series of tubes: order takeout, save money on your car insurance, get Twitter-blocked by Barry Zito.  Why should chasing Erin Andrews be any different?

“But, Jeff,” my mother said, “what if your girlfriend reads this?”

“My girlfriend does not read this blog, Mom.”

Boy, was I wrong.

I tried to play down my actions of sneaking around my girlfriend’s back to get a real shot at Ms. Andrews, but she wasn’t as understanding as I had hoped.  At least now she knows; and I am happy to report that she hasn’t broken up with me over this so things are working out pretty well.  I mean, let’s face it, a couple of cigarette burns to the chest are well worth her allowing me to continue on with my special project.

Still, there is just one small problem: Erin Andrews is a lot more mobile than I.  And, well, ESPN hasn’t helped me with passing on my messages (sweet as they all are).

Fear not!

What Fulbright Scholar would let such foibles deter him from accomplishing his task?

Indeed, I have a plan.  You see, I bought tickets to the 2009 All-Star Game in St. Louis.  I’ll be there for all the fan festivities: old-timers game, home-run derby, futures game — four days of pure debauchery — and a possible encounter with Ms. Andrews herself… that is, as long as Joba Chamberlain doesn’t get in my way (but who would make him an All-Star this year anyway?).

Hate me ‘cuz I got skillz, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

A New All-Star Team

There comes a point in the season where we sit back, take a deep breath and wonder why baseball doesn’t have cheerleaders. I mean, the WNBA has cheerleaders, why not MLB? But never fear, faithful readers. After much deliberation and some top of the line work by the interns, we have a special gift for you: the RSBS all-star cheerleading team.

milano_zito.jpgAlyssa Milano
Since the squad is created to further our love for and appreciation of baseball, it seems only natural that Ms. Milano, the black widow herself, would lead this team. Just keep her far, far away from Justin Verlander. We don’t need him to go Barry Zito on us.

stokke_cal.jpgAllison Stokke
Despite Ms. Stokke’s tangential at best relation to baseball, we give her a position on our team because, well, because she’s pretty and we like looking at her. Do I really need more of a reason than that?

erin_andrews_cinco_de_mayo2.jpgErin Andrews
Although not a choice that I would normally make, Ms. Andrews makes the team out of respect to my friend, Mr. Lung. And at least we can point out that her relationship to baseball is well-documented and ongoing. Welcome to the team.

jane_heller.jpgJane Heller
Although a bit of a dark-horse contender, Ms. Heller routinely establishes her bona fides, especially after the Yankee Stadium program dust-up earlier this year. As if that weren’t enough, she’s also the top ranked MLBlogs fan blogger and that counts for something in our book. We’ll just have to ignore the fact that she’s a Yankee lover.

Anyway, although it’s a small squad, we think you’ll agree that it’s also a very impressive group. And we really hope that our honorees take it in good fun because honestly, we’re really just jealous of them. I mean, who wouldn’t want to date Barry Zito? Well, as long as he didn’t Tweet about it.

-A

Blocked by Barry: The Art of Being Dissed by an Overpaid Paragon of Mediocrity

barry zito loser.jpgIf I were making $126 million over seven years for a team that invested its future in me assuming I would be the one to anchor its pitching staff, I think I would probably focus on being a good pitcher.

But if it’s Barry Zito in that position — which it is — apparently none of that is important.

Dear readers, welcome to Zito’s World: a super hip fantasyland where losing 30 games in two seasons with a 4.84 ERA is worth every penny of that $126 million; a place where winning games in April is never a priority; an imaginative mirage where baseball meets Hollywood starlet meets aspiring rock star meets absolute shock that people would be just a wee bit vocal about his seemingly laissez faire attitude.

Look, there is no question that I have been a staunch critic of Mr. Zito.  Yes, I suggested his 2007 and 2008 pitching woes were rooted in his unprofessional preoccupation with movie star female companionship.  Yes, I coined the phrase “Zito Happens”.  Yes, I poked fun at his childish, uncensored Tweets which made him look foolish — pining for “cab cakes”.

But none of that seems to warrant the fact that Barry Zito — the millionaire pitcher who up to this point hasn’t done a very good job of making good on that Scott Boras super-contract — blocked me from his Twitter account.

Yes, that’s right, folks.  With over 10,000 followers on Twitter, Barry Zito took the precious time needed to block RSBS after April 23rd’s post

Juvenile as his actions are, I still cannot help but chuckle.  I mean, here I am lowly Joe Six-Pack, unpaid aspiring writer, committed MLBlogger and informed baseball fanatic, trying to get seen, be heard, find a voice…. and Barry Zito does me the grandiose favor of reading what I write and hating it enough to block me from his 10,000 plus following.

Now, I understand that being a multi-millionaire, playing the greatest game on earth for a living and personifying the American dream is probably really hard on the soul, Barry, but come on, don’t you think you deserve it?  Just a little bit maybe?  Yeah.  Yeah, you do.

Man up, Barry.  Get over yourself.  Do your job and people like me will have no choice but to shut up.

Until then, you will remain back-page fodder for the masses.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

P.S.  Barry may have blocked me from following him on Twitter, but I can still access his Tweets and laugh because they look like they’re written by a 12 year old as they tend to focus on the importance of Radiohead, farting in the shower and men layering with scarves.  Nice work, Barry.  Nice work.

P.S.S.  Despite the aforementioned aggravation I am experiencing from Zito’s actions, I am still living a good life, visiting Washington D.C., hanging out with one of my best friends and co-author Allen, ready to see the Cardinals play the Nats tonight and tomorrow afternoon.  Heading over to the White House now.  Pics/Story to follow.

Coco Crisp = Comedy Gold, Part 2: The Wrath of “Jokey”

coco crisp 2.jpgThey say lightning never strikes the same place twice; but when it comes to the self-loving oft incoherent Twitter musings of one Coco Crisp, it strikes just about every hour.  Don’t believe me?  See for yourself:

i dont know how i
did it but i slept from 1am til 2pm and the last thing i remember b4 i
woke was winning a horse race and i was the jokey

any of yaw’ll out there know bout dreams… let me know what that means.

Well, Coco, I am certainly no psychiatrist.  Nor do I claim to have actual dream interpretation abilities.  But my contemporaries do consider me to be the lone Freudian voice in a world of mother-loving MLBloggers, so let me try to help as best I can.

You seem to be perplexed by your mastery of slumber, Coco.  I concur, sleeping for 13 hours straight is serious business.  I completely understand your bafflement.  I slept for 13 hours once during my college days and while from that experience my first inclination is to warn you about dangers of binge drinking, I think that, in your case, you’re just lazy.  So set an alarm next time.  You’ll be good to go.  I promise.

Now, if the last thing you remember “b4″ you “woke” was winning a horse race, well, gee, Coco… that’s great!  Congratulations!  Honestly, I believe this was your own mind’s ominous foretelling of the brilliant pitching performance later delivered by your perennially underachieving teammate Brian Bannister.  You see, you have powers, Coco.  Use them.  Don’t abuse them.  If you feel like you’re going to get a good pitch to hit, you probably are, so make sure you swing away.  Follow your telepathic signs.

Swing away.

Of course, this brings us to the most troubling portion of your experience, Coco.  Sure, you won the race, but in the end, you were the “jokey”.  Man, let me tell ya: I’ve been down that road too and we both know it ain’t no fun.  No way.  To basque in the glory of triumph, to feel the ecstasy of victory, only to realize that you are indeed the “jokey” — the one everyone is laughing at — whew.  Man, let’s just be honest, Coco, that su<ks.  And I can’t help you.

But maybe some of “yaw’ll” (a puzzling, elongated abbreviation created by Coco himself, used to represent the shortened “ya’ll” as in “you all” but taking the time to type out one extra letter) can.

barry zito giants.jpgLike Coco’s pal, Barry Zito perhaps, who after somehow ditching his dead-arm persona actually managed to throw seven innings of scoreless baseball yesterday!  Following his surprising performance, Zito had this to tweet:

F__k yeah baby! Let’s take this show on the road.

Sitting in my hotel in AZ, just ate best cab cakes ever at Cheesecake… You all are great, thanks for the nice comments…

Really wanna kill these D backs this weekend and go into Dodger series with momentum..

3 hrs sleep…
should have partied. Traces of adrenaline still in body, gonna go for a
walk before the mercury hits triples digits in AZ

F__k yeah, Barry!  I, too, am quite fond of “cab cakes”… they’re much tastier than urinal cakes and besides, they tend to be both sweet and savory!  And of course, there’s nothing quite like killing D’backs to get momentum going into Dodger stadium.  I mean, think of how scared the Dodgers will be knowing you just killed an entire baseball team!  I was wrong about you, Barry.  You aren’t a softy; you’re a hard^ss. 

But Barry, just be careful.  Those aren’t traces of adrenaline in your body; those are traces of Hilary Duff and Alyssa Milano.

The itch.  Tough to cure.  You know this.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

*Follow RSBS on Twitter *here*
 Follow Coco Crisp on Twitter *here*
 Follow Barry Zito on Twitter *here*

Moral Quandary III: The Barry Zito Story

barry_zito.jpgPoor Barry Zito.  People are really tearing him apart — as is expected because he has been awful – but sometimes the human in me can’t help but empathize.  Despite my sympathies, Bochy’s plan is to yank him from the rotation and send him to the bullpen so he can ‘work things out’.

If I’m Barry Zito, I’m loving this. 

How great would it be if I went to work tomorrow and my boss said: “Jeff, you’re doing a lousy job, so we’re going to allow you to not work so hard, lighten your stress, workload, etc. so you only have to work every couple of days or so in non-pressure situations.  Oh, and don’t worry, we’ll still pay you the salary you get paid now.”

Eureka!  Sign me up, Boss!  I’ll show up and sit on my ^ss for the first two thirds of the work day, practice making shaving cream pies and chew on sunflower seeds.  Just holler when you need me and make sure that the money is still in the bank. 

Yes, I’m being silly.  I know that Zito probably hates Zito’s performance more than anyone else ever could.  But honestly, I wish things were so “awful” in my life that I got a guaranteed 100 million dollars coming my way whether I do good work ever again or not. 

Though I previously alluded to a theory that Zito’s poor performance is perhaps rooted in his propensity for courting high-profile, high-maintenance divas, I am beginning to wonder if this isn’t just another deserved consequence of dealing with the Devil himself (in this case, the Devil is Scott Boras, not Ann Coulter, though she is still the Devil too).  Seven years and $126 million?  That’s a lot of dough.  Yet Major League teams are still willing to take on (and pay for) the inherent risks associated with any Scott Boras deal.  The J.D. Drews, Adrian Beltres and Carlos Beltrans of the world have been laughing all the way to the bank while not really living up to expectations, or their contracts.  So it seems that Zito may just be another chapter in this ongoing saga of moral quandaries teams face when dealing with the Devil.  I wonder if Boras represents Chinese speaking white dudes with an affinity for Asian antiquities?

On a lighter note, to quell the idea that I am a blatant misogynist proposed by a recent nameless commenter on a previous post, let me just say that, for me, it was hard not to notice that Zito’s troubles started shortly after his frolic with Lizzie McGuire.  I’m a guy.  I analyze.  That’s what I do.  And, generally speaking, I’m arrogant, but not rude.  I love my mother and enjoy spraying women’s perfume in department stores when no one is looking.  So sue me.    

To prove that I am indeed a fun-filled philogynist at heart, I have included some lovely pictures of Barry’s most famously attractive paramours.  It’s hard to argue with beauty — or attitude.

Thumbnail image for milano_zito.jpghilary-duff.jpg

While it’s great fun and all, looking at these pretty ladies forces me to face a moral quandary of my own; therefore, I will say goodbye, for now, so I can come to terms with the situation.  In the meantime, please don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Zito Happens, The Evolution of Hillary, Cards Roll


Zito Happens

zito.jpgI sure hope that Hilary Duff hookup back in February 2007 was worth it for Barry Zito because he hasn’t been the same pitcher since.  While most people would like to point out his faulty mechanics and the pressure to perform after landing a fat paycheck as the reasons for his meltdown, I know better.  It’s the ladies.  They can be nagging after all, and if you have to go home to someone who is way more successful than you are — a hottie who played a girl named McGuire (wink, wink at the Bay love connection) — it’s easy to see how difficult it could be to throw strikes. 

In the second inning of today’s loss against the Diamondbacks, Zito couldn’t find the strikezone with a Sherman tank full of maps.  He walked the bases loaded and on a 2-0 count to the until-then hitless pitcher, Brandon Webb, he threw a fastball and gave up a two run single.

As a friend (a Giants fan no less) recently told me: “Zito Happens.”

The Evolution of Hillary

As much as Obama tries to make this about the issues, Hillary just can’t let go of the “same old politics” and she is embarrassing me as member of the Democratic Party.  In tonight’s debate, she said:


“I may be a lot of things, but I’m not dumb.”

Well I’m not dumb either, Hillary, and I think it’s pretty clear what path we U.S. Americans would be taking if you become our Democratic nominee:

hillary.in.blue.jpgFLDS.jpgconehead.jpg

Cards Roll

Again, no one is talking about the Cardinals.  Tied with the Dbacks for the best record in baseball at 11-4, the Redbirds are winning and they’re doing it with pitching and clutch hitting.  I understand that the media feels that, on paper, the Cardinals shouldn’t be in the mix come September.  All I ask is, why not?  The game is played on the field and the St. Louis pitching staff has been giving everyone fits this season.  They’re making quality starts, getting strong relief from the talented bullpen and they’re confident.  At the plate, guys are working deep into counts with patience; they’re spoiling pitches.  New fixtures like Schumaker, Duncan, and Ankiel are getting key hits, especially with two outs.  The silent treatment from the media is nothing new, but it never gets easier to accept.  If they were the New York Cardinals or the L.A. Redbirds of Orange County I’m sure we would be sick of them by now — as I am already with the Yankees/Red Sox series. 

Like some old guy at the bus stop tells himself out loud every morning (as if I’m not standing next to him), “Actions speak louder than words.”  I think he thinks he made that up.  In any case, he’s right…

…and so am I, so don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right. 

Peace,

Jeffy

P.S.  Where the hell is Allen?  The Hockeytown Tigers have won three in a row and he’s still hiding in shame for not supporting Jack Morris’ HOF bid.  What a loser.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 66 other followers