Results tagged ‘ Blogging ’

Double Talkin’ Double Dream Hands

Jeff & Allen 2.2009 010.jpg“It would be nice if my coauthor had similar intestinal fortitude when considering baseball orthodoxy.”
Mr. Allen Krause, March 9, 2011

In the above quote my gruff and oft extraneous colleague, Mr. Krause (also pictured above), says a bunch of stuff without really saying a bunch of stuff.  Like a politician jockeying for the attention of the masses, he assumes that by stuffing some multisyllabic extra-credit words in your face, that you will just trust he knows what he’s talking about, that you will quietly nod and accept his worldview even though it has no basis in reality (ironically, this is exactly what evangelicals are famous for, the very people Mr. Krause was thwarting all along).

POPPYCOCK!

For ye are the dear readers of RSBS – a vast realm of learned baseball folks who can’t be hoodwinked by a mere impostor of authority!  We demand truth!  We demand beauty!  We demand beer!

In fact, you know what Mr. Krause does when he’s not writing about baseball, solving the world’s socio-political problems or pipedreaming about a World Series trophy among the rubble also known as the Motor City?

He’s busy bein’ a YouTube sensation, that’s what.  Maybe you’ve seen this special performance of his…

Take it away, Al!

Yeah, it would be nice if my coauthor had the intestinal fortitude to eschew cliche bubble-gum lyrics and an equally horrifying jazz-hand infested dance routine, but hey, I’m not the boss of him.

So hate me.  It’s cool.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*Detroit Tigers Spring Training Watch*
Miguel Cabrera has been in camp almost a week now without slurring his words or asking anyone “Do you know who I am!?!?!?!”  Hot dog!!!

The Filibuster

Qaddafi has his green book, Mao had a red one and Jesus figures majorly in the good one.  Tell me about the book of Mr. Lung.
 
Henry,

Frankfurt, KY
____________________________________

the holy cow canon of jeff.jpg
What a coincidence, dear reader Henry!  For just the other day I was telling my crestfallen and oft flustered colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, that the only surefire way to take over the world is to get a bunch of followers to trust in some cliche, universal proverbs with some fairy tales thrown in for fun.  And hot dog if you didn’t just poke me to share!

First, allow me to correct you on the title.  Mr. Lung is my pop’s name.  This here lil book is called The Holy-Cow Canon of Jeff.  It is presented in three parts, or books as you shall see.

The Book of Baseball

Respect.  Not sayin’ you have to love the hell out of baseball like I do, but you gotta at least respect it.  You must recognize the fact that those of us who worship the game and revere the diamond as our sanctuary tend to be wiser, more patient, and definitely more prone to bouts of combustible love rooted in our collective ability to cherish the good and to quickly forget all that is bad. 

From The Book of Baseball, Chapter 28, Verse 5:

“Smith corks one into right, down the line! It may go . . . Go crazy, folks, go crazy!”

The Book of Womenz

Basically, the moral of this book (the largest of the three, naturally), is to always admire and respect beauty — whatever that means to you.  For me, that means Erin Andrews’ choice wardrobe selection, Kim Kardashian’s bangin’ bum, Jenna Fischer’s girl-next-door allure, Allison Stokke’s athletically gifted physique and Lucy Liu’s dominatrix potential.  (If it’s menz you’re into, then simply substitute “menz” for “womenz”.  If it’s non-humans you’re into, then I can’t help you, but maybe these folks can).

From The Book of Womenz, Chapter 43, Verse 12-14:

“The girls is all jockin’ at the other end of the bar, havin’ drinks with some no-name chump, when they know that I’m the star. So I got up and strolled over to the other side of the cantina, I asked the guy ‘Why you so fly?’, he said ‘Funky Cold Medina’.”
(via Deacon Loc)

The Book of the Golden Rule

Just like in modern day Christianity, you can skip the other books of this canon if you want and just focus on this last and most important one.  It’s fairly simple and you heard it in kindergarten (maybe you haven’t learned it yet) but you’ve definitely heard it: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Got it?  Don’t want someone to beat you up and take your money?  Then don’t beat people up and take their money.  Don’t want strangers dictating to you what you should and shouldn’t believe?  Then don’t dictate to strangers what they should and shouldn’t believe.  Like living in peace without bombs being dropped on your house?  Then live in peace and don’t friggin’ drop bombs on other people’s houses!!!

It’s really that easy!

There’s only one verse in this book, so let me repeat it, The Book of the Golden Rule, Chapter 1, Verse 1:

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU.

Thank you and good night.

Also, the above chapter and verse can be ignored when it comes to Chicago sCrUBS bashing, which is vehemently encouraged and allowed.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m makin’ moves, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a
free pimp for your blog?  How ’bout just putting Mr. Krause in an awkwardly vulnerable position?  Send us your Filibuster questions
by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below.

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 19: Mr. Cokey’s McBrainface… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 13.jpg

 

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff and Johanna (well, mostly Johanna) push the boundaries of political correctness, in that, well, they don’t see any boundaries.  At all.  Hot dog!  They also get into pretty much anything and everything, including but not limited to Miggy Cabrera’s drinky-time, Albert Pujols’ year long stranglehold on Cardinals fans, a beyond the grave interview with Ron Santo and much, much more… all to make you have happy ending!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  Keith does it all, yo! If you haven’t already, please check out Keith’s crew and subsequent podcast at  Undercard Films. They’ll make you laugh. They’ll make you cry. They’ll make your face hurt! In a good way! 

- – -

Recorded Saturday, February 19, 2011

 

Three Up, Three Down

allen loves joe mauer.jpg
Just like Mr. Krause on a first date, this is gonna be quick, probably painful and
will most likely include more than one embarrassing revelation:

vote smart.jpgCHI-CITY POLITICKIN!

Today is election day here in the Chi.  Rahm.  Carol.  Chico.  Some other guy.  Those are your choices for mayor.  Oh… I mean, those are your Democratic party choices.  In this town, Republicans just hang out at the local deep dish joint and get fat, occasionally showing up to an event to slam a Democrat or two.  Such slams are rarely heard.  Like they say, if a tree falls…

And don’t worry.  When I showed up to vote this morning I didn’t let that pesky ghost of Ron Santo standing outside the polling center sway me.  And judging by the turnout (or lack thereof), I don’t think anyone else is voting him in either.

Some things never change… like…

MR. KRAUSE’S WAR!

So, will you or won’t you, dear readers?  Will you follow my jaded and oft lugubrious colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, to the trenches of a baseball-less existence… all to stick it to a guy (assuming Bud Selig does have proper male anatomy) who doesn’t care, who isn’t listening, who won’t get it anyway?  Are you really ready to stay home and watch Maury all day instead of batting practice?  Are you prepared to sulk in the reality that is a soulless sports sanctuary that includes *cough* the NBA and NHL?  You do know that this has nothing to do with forcing change (why bring it up just now after all these years?) and everything to do with misery loves company, right?

It’s true dear readers… and it’s all the fault of…

allen loves the tigers.jpgDRINKY MIGGY!

Who else is to blame for Mr. Krause’s sudden bout of revolutionary activism?  Why it can only be his beloved man-crush Miguel Cabrera, of course!  With Miggy’s er… uh… “issues” causing alarm throughout the Tigers organization, Mr. Krause knows that his team’s season could be well over before it even starts.  And that is why he is rushing to react, to draw in troops, to overthrow the baseball world so we all lose sight of Detroit slipping below Kansas City in the win column.

Believe it.  Or don’t.  Just don’t say you weren’t warned by someone in the know.

And… don’t hate me.  ‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

If Pujols went to the Cubs would there be protesters in St. Louis as there have been in Cairo?

Jane Heller
Confessions of a She-Fan

____________________________________

cairo rioting.jpgWhile I am quite certain the baseball gods would never conjure up such a foul situation as Albert Pujols dressed in sCrUBBIE blue pinstripes, I cannot say as much for the public.  Deep down, I think we humans tend to envision the worst, to see where our minds might take us after glimpsing death and destruction, because we’re a curious (and mischievous species) hellbent on imagining every scenario possible, even the ones that are completely ludicrous.

But that hasn’t stopped me from having nightmares about it.

Because, as Roger Clemens taught us many moons ago, anything is possible when you’re nasty enough.

Now I don’t think Albert is being nasty in this case.  No, not at all.  But as long as he doesn’t have a new contract, we’re all going to be speculating what uniform he might be wearing next year.  The MLBlogosphere is full of talk, the tweets are all a buzzin’… and Phil Rogers of the Tribune has his finger stuck on the “vomit inducing dribble” button on his keyboard.

Oh well.  Not everyone can form a clear, independent thought.

No matter what uni my man-crush Albert will be donning in 2012, I am preparing for the worst. 

I’m preparing for the worst by taking a trip.

A trip to…

Sh!t City.

Take it away, Lauras…

And yes, Jane, you can bet the rioting will be much like we’ve seen in Cairo… only, fatter.  And more beer.

Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

- – -

**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a free pimp for your blog?  How ’bout just donating some words to the charity of being a baseball fanatic?  Send us your Filibuster questions by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below.

Welcome to Ground Zero!

bud_selig_dictator.jpgWelcome to the year of the revolution!  Not yet 1/6 of the way through 2011, we have already seen dictatorships toppled in Tunisia and Egypt while other autocrats stumble to shore up support by various means.  But what about back here in America?  We watch the news and post Facebook messages in support of Egyptians and Tunisians but ignore the totalitarians in our midst.  I for one think it time that we stand up and take back what is rightfully ours.  And like all revolutions, we need to start by chopping off the head of the snake.  Bud Selig must go!

To this end, I offer up the RSBS Twitter feed as ground zero in the revolution.  When Selig takes down the blog to help protect his ill-gotten gains, we still have a rallying point.  And make no mistake, he will try to silence the revolution.  Take a look at the facts. 

At this point Selig has been in power for almost 20 years, two decades in which he fiddled while baseball burned during the ’94 strike and ignored the nearly fatal excesses of the steroid era.  He has reaped the rewards of a fundamentally flawed system even as the popularity of baseball wanes in the face of challenges from the NFL and Nascar (check out Bill Maher’s recent explanation here).  King Bud has abdicated his duty and for that he must go.

Revolution is not simple and sacrifice is required.  However, our sacrifice can also hit Selig and his cabal of cronies where it really hurts: the pocketbook.  How do we do this?  Well, imagine no one showing up on Opening Day, leaving the ballparks were empty while fans mill around outside chanting “Bud must go!”  Sure, it sounds far-fetched but two months ago so was the idea that Hosni Mubarak would be chased out despite holding the reins of the state police and the military in his iron fist.

We know Bud’s sins.  We don’t need WikiLeaks because it’s all out there, plain as day.  We just need the spark that will ignite this conflagration.  That spark is coming and in six weeks it ignites the revolution.  March 31, 2011.  Baseball’s Independence Day.

-A

Just Like Brian Wilson Did

Today is an auspicious day for RSBS.  Three years ago today we wrote our first entry.  Funny enough, that first post, penned by yours truly, ended with a catch-phrase that has come to be associated with my colleague, Mr. Lung, “Don’t hate me cuz I’m right, hate me because I’m beautiful.”  But that’s the great part about writing this blog together.  We get to steal from each other, rip on each other and generally make fools of ourselves, together.

That’s why I think it’s only fitting that this post end with the brilliance of Brian Wilson.  No, not the Beach Boy.  The pitcher.  If anyone exemplifies the foolish brilliance to which RSBS aspires, this would have to be it:

http://i.cdn.turner.com/tegwebapps/tbs/tbs-www/cvp/tbs_432x243_embed.swf?context=lopez_embed_offsite&videoId=241512

If you keep reading, we’ll keep writing.  Just like Brian Wilson did.  Yes, this time I mean the Beach Boy.

-A

Shrinking the World through Major League Baseball

jeff lung and randy stern.jpgTomorrow, February 13, 2011, will mark RSBSthird year anniversary!  And, dear readers, I can honestly say that the pure joy associated with co-writing this little corner of the MLBlogosphere knows no limit. 

Perhaps the most soothing lesson I have learned the last three years is that I am not alone.

The world is full of baseball dorks!

And the interwebs make them easy to find.

Where once I was shunned, asked to change the subject, to curb my obsessive-compulsive instincts for all things baseball, now I have found solace and freedom and ecstasy knowing that I’m just one of many brilliant baseball fanatics eager to share his voice.  To borrow a line from Chico Escuela, “beisbol (and technocracy) has been berry good to me.”

And this shrinking of the universe is no more relevant then when attending MLBlog summits like the one I had earlier this week with displaced Dodger fan turned Minnesota Twins supporter, Randy Stern, author of The Heirloom.  Though we had never officially “met”, our mutual understanding of one another was immediately apparent as our conversation dipped and turned and shimmied all-things-MLB.  Hell, we’ve been reading each others’ work for a couple years now… and if you can’t get a good grasp of who someone is through his/her writing, then something ain’t right.  (Maybe you need reading glasses?)

So on this lazy Saturday afternoon before Big League camps open up to start another exciting season, take a second to reflect on the beauty that is this MLB online community; and know that if you’re ever in the Chi, you got a friend in me!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!  Especially today!

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 18: Major League Fleshlights… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 12.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff, Allen, Johanna and Second City’s Mark Piebenga knock off the winter rust and gear up for what looks like a fantastically competitive 2011 season.  Besides being racy, risque and borderline offensive (or, just plain offensive), the topics of discussion include but are not limited to the best orange juice of all time, Michael Young’s precarious situation, Major League collisions and much, much more… all to make you happy face!

Holla!

- – -

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  You can experience Keith’s wicked podcast and subsequent film projects at  Undercard Films.  Keith is a hot topic right now!  Not only is he filming that cool baseball doc, but now he’s got some commercial gigs from the Undercast, AND he’s investing in fleshlights!  Pay him a visit!

- – -

Recorded Saturday, January 29, 2011

Sometimes Size Is Relative

RSBS loves beer.  In fact, although Jeff may dispute me on this one, there’s nothing wrong with going to a baseball game just for the beer.  Sure, it’s more expensive, and yeah, it’s watered down.  But sitting at the ballpark in the middle of July with a beer in your hand beats just about any other feeling.  Since I also tend to be a bit of a snob, finding ballparks like AT&T Park in San Francisco, which serves Anchor Steam, only adds to the allure.  Baseball and decent beer?  Yes and yes.

But here’s a secret.  Get the small.  The tall cup might look bigger and you’re sure going to pay more but volume and surface area have only a tenuous relationship at best.  Go ahead, see for yourself:

Oh yeah, that’s right.  16 ounces is 16 ounces no matter which way you stack it.  But $1.25 extra?  That’s straight up thievery.  Of course, it is Washington where Microsoft is based and if anybody knows thievery, it’s those guys…….Uh, hey, wait.  Why is Explorer crashing?  I’m just kidding guys.  I love Microsoft.  And I’ll gladly pay an extra $1.25 for your “large” beer.  Please?

-A

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