Results tagged ‘ Brewers ’

A Triumvirate of Candidates to Succeed King Bud

lenin mickey mouse jesus.jpgBy now everyone knows that the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball will get a fresh face in 2012 (conveniently, that is the year we’re all gonna die anyway).  But just in case those thousand year old destruction theories are not accurate, let us start to think about who might be able to save baseball from another passive, tyrannical reign after King Bud Selig has gone fishing.  Because as my oft cantankerous colleague, Mr. Krause, points out, King Bud dropped the ball.

To me, there are only three viable candidates.  They are presented here (above right).  In bronze.  I think.

Two of them are dead and one of them is forever young (albeit in 2-D).

Verily, they would all be adequate replacements at the top of the grandest game on earth.

- – -

Candidate #1:
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
Bolshevik Leader, Marxist, Revolutionary, Head of State

What’s wrong, Matt Holliday?  Five years guaranteed at $16 million ain’t enough?  Fine then.  Mr. Holliday, you’ll be making the same salary as Wilson Betemit… if Wilson even has a job.  Luxury tax?  There ain’t no luxury tax.  Proposed salary cap?  Yeah, propose this: everybody makes the same amount of money.  No matter what.  You don’t like it?  Then die.  Die.  Just die!

- – -

Candidate #2:
Mickey Mouse
Talking Rodent, Steamboat Captain, World Icon, Clubhouse Leader

Woo-hoo!  Baseball!  Woo-hoo!  Baseball!  Woo-hoo!  Pine tar!

- – -

Candidate #3:
thumbs up jesus.jpgJesus of Nazareth
Son of “God”, Hipster, Smooth-Talker, a.k.a. The Christ

What shall it profit a man if he gains the homerun record but loses his soul to ‘roids?  For everyone who refrains from untucking his shirt after winning a game (talkin’ to you, Brewers) himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.  I say, I’ve fed his sheep. Now I’ll tend to them, … tend to my sheep.

- – -

Tend… these… sheep.  Somebody.  King Bud didn’t do a great job at tending his sheep.  Somebody.  Somebody just tend these goddamn sheep!

Please.

And while you’re at it, don’t hate me.

‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Top image courtesy of Transgressor)

Going Rogue? Or Going Crazy…

sarah palin going rogue.jpgThis Going Rogue business is mostly all about making money… right?

If that’s the case, then great; I applaud thee, Sarah Palin.  Sell your book!  Make money!  It’s the US American way!

Unfortunately, reason tells me that ex-Governor Palin has a hard time separating fantasy from reality — that she is absolutely serious when she says she wants to play a major role in American politics — that she isn’t going away anytime soon.

While she remains silent on any possible presidential plans, one must assume that is the ultimate goal. 

And that is insane.

So too is her sheepish quip that she will run only “if people will have me.”

Hmm.  Perhaps Madame Palin should start by asking the people of Alaska if they will have her after she abandoned them and her gubernatorial post midterm.  Or perhaps she should ask the people of Russia if they don’t mind her looking at them from her living room.  Or perhaps she should just take the money this book and subsequent tour will generate and run, run, run… back into relative obscurity — where she belongs.

We see this sort of thing in baseball all the time.  Players come from out of nowhere.  They shine.  They burn out.  They go away.  Some quicker than others. 

Mark Fidrych.  Pete Incaviglia.  Eric Gagne.

Eric Gagne.jpgRemember, Sarah, remember.  Remember Eric Gagne  — a man who spent last season with the Quebec Capitales of the independent Canadian-American League.  (Yeah, I’ve never heard of it either)  Here’s a man who, at one time, was more than just unhittable.  He was mad, maniacal, morbid in his destruction of opposing hitters.  He recorded 84 consecutive saves for Christ’s sake!  He was lights out!  He was the master of the universe!

Now, the Brewers don’t even want him.

And that is sad.

Go away now, while you can, Mrs. Palin… go back to the wilderness while you still have some inkling of pride.  I will support you in that endeavor.

YOU BETCHA!

Hate me ‘cuz I won’t buy this book, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Striking Conversation (or the Labor Day Hangova)

Allen in hat close up.jpgLeave it to my pessimistic and oft paralyzing misanthrope of a colleague, Mr. Krause, to dampen everyone’s Labor Day spirit by mentioning those two words most feared by fans of our national pastime: Baseball Strike.

Chris Carpenter pitched a one-hit, complete game shut out against the Brewers to further solidify the Cardinals’ grips on the NL Central crown and Al wants to talk about a potential baseball strike!?!  This malicious posturing is akin to sleeping with your crazy ex-girlfriend on the eve of your wedding. 

Why screw with pain?

Yet Mr. Krause has made a lofty name for himself by dropping unfounded speculation.  So we’ll just go with it.

And by go with it I mean briefly say that given the collusion and vindictive-laden history of Major League Baseball and its owners, the Player’s Union has got to have the right to strike as a last (albeit catastrophic) resort.  While the horrors of the impetuous strike of 1994 continue to wreak havoc on the game (disillusion among fans, PED scandals, destruction of small market teams, etc), the Union would be absolutely insane to go so far again.

But still, the choice must be there for them to have any leverage.

As great as baseball is, it is not responsible for governing a people.  It is not responsible for policing our streets, putting out fires, getting people to work.  If they wanna strike, they should be able to do so… then watch as our interest in the English Premier League collectively jumps to dramatic new heights.

If it ever came to that — baseball taking itself for granted… again – then I think we all know how serious the alcoholism epidemic will become among Major Leaguers.  I know this because my Labor Day (just one day without work) looked a lot like this:

Tosh.0 Returns Oct. 8th
Alcohol Mash-Up
www.comedycentral.com
http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:item:comedycentral.com:240420
Daniel Tosh Miss Teen South Carolina Demi Moore Picture

Now imagine 750 out-of-work Sidney Ponsons running through the streets of our nation and tell me the Players Union doesn’t know better.

Hate me ‘cuz I walk the walk, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*Cap tip to Tosh.0 on the video.

The Great Yo’ Mama War

big momma.jpgOh no.  There he goes again.  Indeed, dear readers, my errant and oft annoying colleague, Mr. Krause, is in desperate need of some verbal “fire” — the vitriolic, infernal, flesh-eating kind most notably invoked by the devil and his evil minions.

He did the unthinkable. 

He threw down the gauntlet.

He insulted Albert Pujols’ mama.

Where does Mr. Krause find all this idle time to waste on shameless maternal attacks?  As a Cardinal fan sitting on top of a 10 game lead in the NL Central, I can certainly see where I would have the time from now until October.  But Mr. Krause would make better use of his by pondering the pain he will feel once his streaky Tigers get eliminated early on in the ALDS.

Meanwhile, I’m feelin’ pretty damn good… so good that I’d like to just go on a rampage and say:

  • Miguel Cabrera’s mama is so ugly, she makes Willie McGee look like a GQ model!
  • Carlos Zambrano’s mama is so lazy, she makes Big Z look like a hard worker!
  • Ryan Braun’s mama’s teeth glow so yellow, she can almost lead the Brewers out of the darkness of the NL Central! (nah, nothing glows that yellow)
  • Manny Ramirez’s mama is so dirty, her batting helmet has a biohazard label on it!
  • And, of course, Mr. Krause, yo’ mama is so dumb, she’d probably fall for this lame Glenn Beck advance:

Hate me ‘cuz I come back fivefold, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Happy Friday!

Peace,

Jeff

Guest Relations

Jeff and Allen are cool.jpgDear readers!  There is finally a reason to read a news magazine!  That’s right, folks, the June 8th edition of Newsweek will be guest edited by neo-con-politico-pundit-funnyman, Stephen Colbert.  Don’t know who he is?  Don’t worry.  Neither does Kanye.  And Kanye is awesome.  

Admittedly, I haven’t read Newsweek since my high school AP History class and even then I was more interested in the pictorial court drama of O.J. Simpson than the actual news, but you can bet I’m gonna read this one because no one knows faux headlines like Colbert (well, maybe Katie Couric).

And I am not alone.  The buzz around this avant-garde editorial decision is already hyping the masses, which got me thinking… what kind of immediate and notorious media blitz would errupt around the interwebosphere if MLB.com allowed Mr. Krause and I (and our RSBS cronies) to guest edit its website and inform baseball fans galore on all the game’s most exciting threads.

Well, wonder no more ‘cuz we already started on the following headlines (just in case they come’a knockin’):

Fortune Teller Madame Zelda from a West Baltimore Shanty-Town Proclaims Cubs Might Win It All in 2208
…against their crosstown rival the Chicago Brewers of Milwaukee, Wisconsin

ESPN to Broadcast All Royals Games for an Entire Month
…subject to blackout where good baseball teams are appreciated

Did You Know President Obama is a White Sox Fan with Muslim Roots, a White Mom and an African Dad? That’s Crazy!!!
…it really is

Beat the Streak! Accurately Predict How Many Times Milton Bradley Will Go on the Disabled List and Win Free Gift with Purchase!
…minimum purchase of $500 to be eligible

David Ortiz Is Actually Cecil Fielder
…ah, yes, now it makes sense

Vote for Your Favorite Steroid Enhanced All-Stars; Cheating Welcome!

…Hint: Select Manny Ramirez for every position, for every team, forever

Entire MLB Network Staff to Be Fired Except for Mitch Williams

…’cuz Mitch is the only one worth saving

Mitchell Report Sequel Due Out Next Spring Entitled “THE MITCHELL MINORITY REPORT”
…features the plight of a distraught and sensationalized Tom Cruise jumping on couches determined to catch only minorities using PEDs before they actually use them

Charles Barkley to Write Weekly MLB Editorial Featuring Nothing but F-Bombs and P-Drops
…why? Because we can… we want to… and we know the FCC could use the money

And finally…

Please Buy Old Yankee Stadium Urinals
…’cuz we gotta pay C.C. and A.J. and Tex and A-Rod and Jeter and A-Rod’s child support and alimony and attorney fees and publicist and strippers and estranged cousin in the Dominican Republic and his child support and alimony…and….

MLB.com, if you’re reading, it’s time to give RSBS its guest editing wings and take this show to a new, exciting, frightening place.  And I guarantee that, in the end, you will hate me.

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The (Semi-Sober) View from My Couch

al bundy.jpgYeah, I wear a pinky ring.  So what?  I’m a made man and it’s the “company” rule.

And yeah, I have a Microsoft Zune… and no witty excuse other than to say, well, I got a good deal.

Yet to challenge my masculinity based on these attributes, Mr. Krause, is quite uncharacteristic, even for a flip-flopping self-loathing nihilist Tiger fan like yourself.

2006, my friend.  2006.

Still, this low blow to my sexuality got me wondering: do I really come off as a pansy?

So on Tuesday night I bought myself a case of MGD, stuck my hand in my shorts and plopped down on the couch to watch six hours of baseball.  I even avoided eating and shaving — two things I try to do at least once a week.

And this is what I learned:

Brandon Phillips doesn’t care how many times Miguel Montero says “mercy”; he’s still beatin’ that dude’s ^ss:

brandon phillips miguel montero.jpgIf Gabe Kapler expects to catch the Oriole Bird, he will need a bigger glove (or a machete):

gabe kapler.jpgNo matter what the situation, Prince Fielder always looks ready to eat you:

prince fielder hungry.jpgCarlos Lee’s lamaze classes are finally paying off:

carlos lee pregnant.jpgAnd the most important thing…

Ignorance is bliss… unless you have no business being naked in public; that’s just plain cruel (and stereotypical Met fan behavior):

mets fan streaker.jpgNow who’s the man!?!  Eh?  I am a manly man… grrrr… and now that I have proven my masculinity, please excuse me; I have to catch up on The Hills.

Hate me ‘cuz I wear the pinky rings; just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

(Images courtesy of the Associated Press and Getty Images)

The Filibuster

On Thursday, former New York Yankee disaster, Carl Pavano, made his
Cleveland Indians debut.  In just one inning plus of work he allowed 9
runs on 6 hits (including 2 homers) and three walks.  Cleveland was not
happy.  But Pavano is just one of many pitching phenoms gone sour.  If
you had to put together a pitching staff of current players designed,
destined and determined to fail, who would you choose and why?

– Jeff

__________________________________________

hannity_and_colmes.jpgThe problem with this question is that it’s punditry in it’s most basic form. No matter what pitchers I name, you already have your mind made up and you’ve already decided that I’m wrong. It feels like I’m being forced to play Colmes to your Hannity. But, because I’m a good sport, I’ll do it. I will become Alan Colmes.

Any baseball team needs a quality starter, decent middle relief and a closer who can get the job done. So, it makes sense that our bizarro all-star team would want just the opposite: a starter who never fail to implode, a middle reliever with whom no lead is safe and a ninth inning finisher who puts the “lose” in closer.

dontrelle_willis.jpgIt would be relatively easy to staff the entire squad with last year’s Tigers but at this point, only one of them truly deserves that roster spot. Last season Dontrelle Willis managed to single-handedly redefine the concept of crashing and burning and this year seems to be more of the same. How bad is it? Well, D-train is currently cooling his heels on the 15-day DL with the frighteningly worded injury, “Anxiety disorder.” For those escapades, Dontrelle, we make you our ace.

Eric Gagne.jpgBut every starter needs a stopper. Although, in our case I guess what we’re looking for is more of a porous sieve. And there are plenty of them out there. Just today C.J. Wilson of the Rangers gave up four quick runs in relief of Kevin Millwood and managed to throw away what had been a shutout up til that point. But has anyone fallen as far or as fast as Eric Gagne? I mean this guy was lights out a couple years ago but now just mentioning his name around Red Sox or Brewers fans might get you punched out.

farnsworth cries.jpgHowever, and I think it’s probably no surprise to anyone, the dirty lump of coal in in this torn stocking of a rotation has to be old friend of RSBS, Kyle Farnsworth. And he really deserves this honor on so many levels. Don’t just think of it as a reward for his incredible meltdown against the White Sox this past week. No, this is truly a lifetime achievement award. Farnsworth is the Mariano Rivera of blown opportunities and for that we salute him.

When it comes right down to it, though, I don’t know if anyone can really out-Pavano Carl Pavano himself. Seriously, how is this guy still pitching? When will GMs learn that he truly is kryptonite, anathema to the very idea of pitching. On the bright side, he is playing for the Indians and that makes me a little more optimistic for the Tigers chances this season. Hey, it’s Easter, a time of resurrection and rebirth. We all gotta’ hope, right?

-A

RSBS TV: 2009 NL Central Preview

Produced, shot and edited by Atonal Studios.

Special thanks to Theo Roll.

Very
special thanks to Albert Pujols — the only man who can make Jeff wobble like a newborn calf.

(For best playback results, watch in High Quality)

Do Your Homework, Unidentifiable Brewer Guy

brewers chinese tattoo.jpg
That’s Casey McGehee on the left.  Who’s that you ask?  No clue.  Never heard of him myself.  Doesn’t matter.  Let us instead focus on the Chinese character strategically tattooed on the anonymous forearm to the right.

zi.jpgFor those dear readers who are unfamiliar with the Chinese language, that is the character for “child”.  Pronounced zi, in certain contexts it could be understood as “son” or “seed” or for those extremely esoteric folks with a penchant for ancient Chinese time-keeping methods, it could also be interpreted as the first of the twelve earthly branches.

In other words, it’s not really something you get tattooed on your arm.

Yet trendy wannabe-hip US Americans continue to find Chinese characters in tattoo shops around the country, discovering them to be viable testaments to who they are, even if they have no idea what the hell they mean.

Seems silly to me.  I have tattoos.  You know, you can’t just scrub ‘em off.  I put a lot of thought into them before I went off and had my skin permanently inked. 

And I like to think that other people have the common sense to do a little research before putting a foreign language on their body for eternity.  But what do I know?  I ain’t no professional baseball player; I’m just a lowly Fulbright Scholar. 

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

(Image courtesy of the Associated Press)

Translations of a Maniac

john_mozeliak.jpgSorry, folks, I am through pontificating on Alex Rodriguez (for now) and ready to get back to baseball talk that does not include scandalous tirades on the poor policing of the game.

Wait, no… that is a lie.

Because the St. Louis Cardinals released their clubhouse infecting second baseman Adam Kennedy this week and GM John Mozeliak, by simply opening his mouth, has opened the door for more ridicule from those of us who should actually matter the most (the fans) but continuously get tossed aside like a Roger Clemens B-12 filled syringe.

So Kennedy is gone.  Great.  Ask me if I care. 

I don’t.

What I do care about is the $4 million we are paying him for 2009 anyway.  Mozeliak said:

“I tried to exhaust the trade market. We thought we might have something happening that really came to an end
this weekend. At that point it was just time. It was more fair for both
parties to do it now than wait a couple weeks.”

Translation: I am not very good at my job.

You mean to tell me, Mr. Mozeliak, that no team in Major League Baseball was willing to trade for Kennedy?  No team!?!  None?!?  You couldn’t get one minor league guy, one nobody, one journeyman reliever for Adam Kennedy? 

Give me a break.  But in all fairness, Mr. Mozeliak, you are right about one thing.  That was a fair deal for the Kennedy camp.  More than fair.  Here’s $4 million, Adam.  Sit on your ^ss, dude.  Have a good time.  Go out and get a league minimum one-year deal from some team and live off the fat of the Cardinals’ land.

I suspect he will.

Meanwhile, the Cardinals fan forums, blogs and message boards are lighting up with “what the hell do we do now”s; some delusional fans have even gone as far as to suggest Mozeliak may go out and sign a free agent second baseman like Orlando Hudson or Mark Grudzielanek to fill the empty space.

Ha!  I laugh in your face!  For you know not the true nature of our general manager:

“Right now, we’re going to go with what we have. We would like to do this internally if we could, and we do have confidence that we can.”

piggy lord of the flies.jpgTranslation: I have the conch!  Not you!  Me!  It’s mine mine mine mine mine!  All mine!  And I say let’s get these suckas in the ballpark without assembling a competitive team.  Why not?  Those silly fans have already proven that they’ll support a crappy team; we can do that on the cheap and still rake in millions!  Sell ‘em t-shirts and Busch Light and bobbleheads that are way overpriced!  They love that s***!

Mozeliak finished by saying:

“I do think this [releasing Kennedy for nothing while still paying him $4 million] was an opportunity to inject some energy into that
position and really show that we are moving this club in a newer
direction.”

Translation: This club is built to fail.  I signed Trever Miller and Royce Ring to further weaken an already deplorable bullpen that blew 31 saves last year.  My major off-season acquisition of shortstop Khalil Greene hit a mind-blowing .212 last season, I haven’t even tried to land a closer and I am taking Ludwick and Ankiel to arbitration because I want to make them feel uncomfortable about playing in St. Louis.  And as soon as this season is over and we have been embarrassed by the Cubs and Brewers, LaRussa and Duncan will walk and I’ll have this team right where I want it: going nowhere!

At least Ballpark Village is right on track:

ballpark village.jpg

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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