Results tagged ‘ Brewers ’

Another Guide for Passing the Time

In his last post, my oft misguided and ever self-loathing colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, offered up some morbid thoughts on how to pass the next several weeks while we wait to thaw out and spring into some serious baseball action.  Poignantly defeatist in nature, Mr. Krause squashed our spirits more than he uplifted them, as more lamenting on the sad state of Detroit sports franchises and focusing on the natural discourse between Iran and the rest of the world leaves little else than a tinge of bitterness.

Dear readers, there are many more things you can do with your time.  For instance…

steelers superbowl champs.JPG

Postulate How Many More Superbowls the Steelers Will Win Before the Pirates Get Back to the Post-Season (If They Ever Do)

Already the winningest franchise in NFL history, the Pittsburgh Steelers have long drowned out the cheers (if any) from the Pirates faithful.  But don’t worry, ‘Burgh, the 2009 Pirates boast a lineup that features the likes of Jose Tabata, Brian Bixler and Nyjer Morgan!  Whoo-wee!  Get out the ticker-tape, ya’ll!  I’m feeling a bit like 1991!

Count the Reasons Why Ann Coulter Has No Soul

Verily, this woman is as crazy as A-Rod is attention hungry.  In her most recent blog post (dated 1/28/2009), she had this brilliant quip to share:

“The only reason McCarthy was elected to Congress in the first place is
that her husband and son were shot by a crazed gunman on the Long
Island Rail Road in 1993. Colin Ferguson’s shooting spree wasn’t
stopped sooner because none of the passengers had guns. As has been
demonstrated beyond dispute at this point, armed citizens save lives.”

There is no way these words came from a live human being complete with a heartbeat and the ability to actually feel.  No way.

Waste Your Life Away by Playing the Harold Reynolds Drinking Game
(I don’t personally recommend this, but if you’re looking for a quick, painless way to hibernate until Opening Day, click **here** for details. And when I say “painless” I’m lying.)

Try To Nail Down How Many Games the Cardinals Will Finish Behind the Cubs in 2009
Let’s see, there’s Adam Kennedy, Trever Miller, a busted up bullpen virtually unchanged from last season, question marks at third base, second base, starting rotation, no one to protect Albert Pujols, the reality that LaRussa and Duncan will most likely be gone next year, and we still have Bill Dewitt and John Mozeliak at the helm!  Folks, that’s just the beginning… I won’t go in to how good the Cubs look, how fresh and exciting the Reds look, how explosive the Brewers look, how nagging the Astros look.  Ooh boy, can’t wait to battle Tabata, Bixler and Morgan in the ‘Burgh for the NL Central Toilet Bowl!

Whew.

Okay, so I admit, my suggestions are just as morbid and defeatist as Allen’s… but if there is one thing we can all agree on, it is that a laugh — a good, hearty, gut-cleansing laugh —  can last us a while… or in this case, a long, long while:

Now that is what I call comedy!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace

Jeffy

2008: Rest In Peace (Part I)

RSBS_Mlb.made.LOGO.jpgStill pissed off that Santa didn’t bring me the one thing I wanted most this year (a competent General Manager running the St. Louis Cardinals), I have little choice but to fully embrace the intangible magic of humility.  In doing so, I have decided to channel the tenacity of my bitterness and turn it into sincere, reflective admiration for all that has been accomplished here at RSBS this year.

Not only did we create a unique baseball-politico universe full of hyperbolic criticism and satirically erratic fandom, we also had the good fortune of being surrounded by fabulously smart and like-minded baseball nuts with passionate political views within the MLBlogosphere.

Indeed, in 2008, we saw dreams come true; we saw corruption, glory, beauty, heartbreak, Cinderella, more corruption, more beauty and more heartbreak.  We saw it.  We reported it.  We ripped it to shreds.

In honor of RSBS‘ rapturous reportage, babbling blabberings and partisan posts, I have pulled out the top three 2008 RSBS entries written by that misguided Tiger fan you have all learned to feel sorry for… the one and only Mr. Allen Krause. 

The 1st Runner-Up:

Diversionary Tactics — September 18, 2008
A fat incompetent college football coach, a Broadway musical composer and an old Topps baseball card featuring a solid porn mustache have never made such sweet, sweet love.

The Runner-Up:

Golden Parachutes — December 10, 2008
Hip, Sexy, Current… these three words don’t just sound like a hit NBC mini-series; they also describe the tone of this well-written commentary exploring the ins and outs of our ever-failing government, the ever-declining mystique of Detroit sports franchises and the ever-growing… well, fellas, you know what I’m tryin’ to say… (*Ladies, please ignore that last line ;-)

…and the Winner is:

Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview — October 1, 2008
Hardly known for his loquaciousness, Mr. Krause really put it to dear readers galore with this existentialist exercise in post-modern fantasy capped off by… well… by being RIGHT.  Fine tuned to the unique political and social caricatures of our dear elected leaders, my colleague done me proud with this little ditty of a post — so much so that I… well… I peed a little from all the excitement.

Go ahead, hate me, folks.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview

bush_firstpitch_2008.jpgIn an effort to better equip our readers for the MLB postseason, we here at RSBS want to take this opportunity to break it down along lines we understand better.

Just like the primaries and the general election, baseball also has its own storylines. There are the fairy tale Rays, the quietly impressive Angels, the never-say-die Brewers and those loveable losers themselves, the Cubs. However, sometimes these stories and those from the political arena bear an uncanny resemblance to each other.

If you’re wondering where I’m going with this, you don’t have to wait any longer. Here it is. The first, quadrennial RSBS Presidency Postseason!

American League:
GOPElephant.jpgWe start with the new kids on the block. Both the GOP and the AL came into existence a while after their older siblings but they both became powerhouses rather quickly. Quite frankly, both the Republicans and the free-swinging American Leaguers have also been putting their older brethren to shame in recent years. The AL’s Ronald Reagan, the New York Yankees, can’t be with us this year but we still pay our respects to those who try to carry the pennant.

When it comes to this year’s participants, it only makes sense to start in Abraham Lincoln’s home state and look at the Chicago White Sox. Unfortunately, the White Stockings are sadly reminiscent of the prescient yet unappreciated Ron Paul. They fight and they fight, just to even get into the dance but even though they seem to have the right pieces, it just ain’t gonna’ happen. No one appreciates them but that’s how these brutal games work.

Mike Huckabee and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have to be two of the most compelling stories of the year. They’re fresh, they’re chock-full of talent, they lost a ton of weight and wrote a book about it. But even though they make a great run at it and continue to push despite knowing they’ve already lost, the fact of the matter is that they, well, lose. Put them down for the semis but that’s where the story ends.

On paper the Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) have to be the most impressive team, eerily evocative of their doppleganger, Mitt Romney. They have everything going for them from the best closer in baseball to really great hair. But looking good on paper doesn’t always translate to real world success. Early defeat dooms both and they’ll look back and wonder how it happened.

Which leaves us with the soon-to-be AL champion Boston Red Sox. A while ago, the Red Sox just couldn’t put it all together. There was Bill Buckner, the epic 2003 failure against the Yankees and a basic inability to get things done. Basically, they were circa 2000 John McCain. But similar to the phoenix that was the 2004 Red Sox, McCain has come soaring back in 2008. As soon as you count either one of them out you’re going to be in a whole world of hurt. And that’s why, just like McCain, the Red Sox will advance to the final.

National League:
DemDonkey.jpgThe NL, like the Democrats, is an enigma. They seem to have the talent, the flair, the running game but they just can’t put all the pieces together. Yeah, there are flukes like the Marlins, the Cardinals and Jimmy Carter. And every once in a while a real dynasty (the old Cincinnatti Reds, Bill Clinton) comes along. But that’s about as rare as a lump of steak tartare. So, how do the perennial also-rans figure in this year?

Just like her team, the Chicago Cubs, Hillary Clinton appeared to have everything going for her. The large war-chest, the aura of inevitability. And just like Hillary, I expect the Cubs to make it to the semifinals. However, that’s where it ends for both of them. It’s a nice story but it just won’t cut it.

Meanwhile, the Milwaukee Brewers bear an uncanny resemblance to Mike Gravel. They don’t really seem to know what’s going on, no one is quite sure what they’re doing here and most everyone just wants them to leave. As they go quietly into the night, people will ask themselves if that really happened. Yeah, it did but don’t worry about it.

On the opposite end of America, from a cosmopolitan megalopolis where $400 haircuts are the norm, come the Los Angeles Dodgers, the soulmate of John Edwards. Yep, they may have come from humble roots but you’re not kidding anyone these days. The question is, will Alyssa Milano turn out to be the Dodgers’ Rielle Hunter? Either way, neither the Dodgers or Mr. Edwards are going to stick around long enough for us to find out.

And that brings us to the Philadelphia Phillies. Yep, that’s right. Long-suffering Philadelphia is our Barack Obama, a story that tells us that, yes, we can. Trust me, I didn’t see it coming anymore than you did but baseball, like politics, is a funny game. They both look kind of different (Obama, in fact, may have gotten his ears from the Phillie Phanatic) and neither one of them would be the obvious pick but somehow they both make it through and remain standing in the end.

World Series:
However, all of this only brings us to the final act. And this one is a doozy. The heir apparent to the fortunes of the AL East against a former also-ran from the NL East. Like McCain and Obama, both teams have the pedigree to be crowned the champions but it is a contest and, like the Higlander, there can be only one.

 So, how does it end, you’re probably asking? Well, although I don’t expect either McCain or the Red Sox to lose their heads (HA HA HA), this is the year of the “How’d they get there?” scrappers. That’s right. Get excited Philadelphia! C’mon and say it with me now: Yes, We Can!

-A

An Indecent Proposal

What a weekend! College football’s rankings get turned completely on their head with the help of Michigan finally winning a real game. The Lions managed not to lose on Sunday (although that’s mainly because they didn’t play). And then there was baseball.

I’m not going to lie, I really couldn’t be happier that the Mets lost and once again proved their mastery of the art of choking. The Brewers are in, the Yankees are out and the Tigers get to decide who the AL Central representative will be. All in all, a pretty good weekend.

And yet, all is not well over here at RSBS. Despite playing key roles in the final week of the season, neither the Tigers nor the Cardinals will actually be in the playoffs. Granted, the Cards don’t deserve to be there because, well, they sucked this season. And, although I hate to admit it, the Tigers really don’t deserve to be there either. Really guys? Turning the season around with Kyle Farnsworth?

PlayoffMap.jpgIt’s sad but we both head into the postseason without a dog in the fight. That’s not right. However, I think I have a solution. It’s unorthodox but I propose that we both adopt teams for the playoffs. I’m sure you’d say that you might still have a team since the White Sox haven’t yet been eliminated…..but let’s be honest. The way they’re  playing, it’s inevitable. Even if they manage to beat the Tigers tomorrow, the “menacing” Twins are going to take them out in the play-in game.

So, what do you say, Mr. Lung? Do you have the cojones? Are you game? We can even make this sporting. For instance, perhaps the loser has to write a post extolling the virtues of the other person’s team. I’ll even give you first choice. And just in case you’re wondering, you can consider this a challenge. I’ll expect your answer no later than Tuesday morning.

-A

Dramatic and Devastating

Did I forget to say “Happy Autumn” last week? If I did, I truly apologize. I guess I figured that most RSBS readers had already figured out the change of season. It’s usually pretty evident from the bite in the air, the start of the football season and the Mets’ annual late-season choke.

And it’s even better this year with the Yankees relegated to the sidelines. In fact, except for some minor concerns (the credit crisis and imminent depression, Michigan’s loss to Notre Dame), things couldn’t be much better right now.

But I can’t just leave it at that. That’s not how I roll. No, just like my buddy John McCain, I need to make a “dramatic and devastating” statement.
http://www.comedycentral.com/sitewide/video_player/view/default/swf.jhtml
And here it is: I will not write any more mean things about either the Republican Presidential nominee or the Republican Vice Presidential nominee. Like my mother always told me, if you can’t say anything nice, just don’t say anything at all.

Instead, it’s only going to be important, sports-based commentary as we shift our focus towards the ongoing playoff races. For instance, have you been watching those Mets, Phillies  and Brewers as they battle for the NL wild card? Or how about the dogfight between the White Sox and Twins in the AL Central? And what about that USC-Oregon State shocker Thursday night? And…uh, well, and…

….I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. I mean, have you seen this:

This is Bill Buckner-esque. I have very low expectations when it comes to our elected officials but at this point I think I’d rather have Harry Caray as VP. I’d rather have Joe Buck. Hell, I’d rather have Erin Andrews and you all know my views on her.

You know what’s beautiful, though? Even though we have no control over the playoff races and what happens to our teams, we do have a say in who gets elected in November. And that’s why I want to take this opportunity to urge any RSBS readers out there who aren’t already registered to make sure they do it soon. If you aren’t or you just aren’t sure, here’s a great site that will help you either figure out where you are registered or take you through the process for the first time. It doesn’t matter if you “Rock the vote” or “Vote or die.” What matters is that you vote.

-A

Diversionary Tactics

Hey Jeffy, if we just find ourselves a Reno Sweeney, we could totally do a cut down production of Anything Goes! Why anyone would want to watch it is beyond me but it’s a thought. To be honest, though, I’d rather watch that than John McCain’s stewardship of the economy if he becomes president.

Weis.JPGWhy do I say this? Well, because just yesterday he said he’d fire the SEC chairman if he could. I’m not saying this is a bad idea or a good idea but the fact that Mr. “I know nothing about the economy” uses a random firing as his response to our ongoing fiscal crisis is beyond insane. It’s like Charlie Weis telling us that he got his knee blown out because of an incompetent podiatrist. No Charlie, your knee ligaments no longer exist because you’re a fat, out of shape man who got hit by a couple hundred pounds of solid muscle moving at high speed.

And likewise for you, Mr. McCain. The economy isn’t in the crapper because of a Bush crony in a plum position (although it probably didn’t help much). It’s because senators like you have been forcing deregulation through the Congress for years in order to help your fat-cat friends make more money at the expense of share-holders.

In the end, this is nothing more than a diversionary tactic. Think of it like the 1st and 3rd shortstop cover where the catcher throws down to the shortstop with runners on the corners in hopes of catching the guy at third breaking for home. Maybe this worked in Little League but it’s pretty rare that you’d even take a shot at it in the Majors. 

Sveum.jpgHowever, that doesn’t keep people from trying this and other tactics. For instance, just a few days ago the Brewers fired their manager, Ned Yost, in hopes that this would magically halt their annual slide. Now, I love me some Dale Sveum and only wish that he still sported the mustache but the fact of the matter is that this changes nothing. When the heart of your lineup isn’t hitting and even CC can’t stop the hurting, things aren’t going well. You just have to face the fact that you’re the Brewers and this is what you do.

Sadly, diversion and denial seem to be the words of the day in both politics and baseball. For Commissioner Bud Selig steroids sure were bad but wasn’t it great to see all those home runs? In our presidents mind there may have been no WMDs in Iraq but isn’t it great that the Iraqis now have a democracy?*
*note: democracy is much nicer when you aren’t getting killed by your next-door neighbor or blown up by your co-confessionalist.

Perhaps Mr. Porter had our politicians and baseball owners in mind all those years ago when closing out the lyrics to Anything Goes:

The world has gone mad today
And good’s bad today
And black’s white today
And day’s night today
And most guys today that women prize today
Are just silly gigolos

Sounds about right to me.

-A

Corporate Cranks

bankrupt.jpgIt’s not a good day to be a Lehman Brothers shareholder nor the manager of the Milwaukee Brewers.  You know it and I know it: these headlines are certainly not good for we average US American joes trying to scrape by in an ever-fleecing state of economic emergency.  The DOW fell over 500 points which doesn’t bode well for my retirement funds (at this rate I’ll be able to retire after fifty years of being dead!) and the firing of Ned Yost means that the Brewers are playing badly enough to warrant a major change in the clubhouse — a solidly blaring sign that the Cubs got this one in the bag. 

Great.  Just great.

Target logo.jpgThumbnail image for Thumbnail image for Target logo.jpgBut hey, guess what!  Not all is bad in the world of corporate cranks!  The Minnesota Twins, today, announced the name of their new ballpark scheduled to open in 2010.  Target Field!  Yes!  I’m just so… so elated that I can… I can hardly stand it!  I’m sooooo glad that Target got the naming rights.  I was hoping a big box corporation that exploits its employees to work for minimum wage and frowns upon engaging in talks with union organizers would get that precious opportunity to spread its grimy message of “exploit, exploit, exploit!”  Enough of these big banks and cell phone moguls getting all the attention. 

Target logo.jpgJoin me in saying: To hell with that!

Target logo.jpgYes, dear readers, we have the real deal with Target Field.  I know.  I know what you’re thinking.  Target Field.  Sounds kind of like Tiger Stadium, which is remembered as an abomination of a ballpark that reeked of urine, beer and stale hot dog buns.  I know.  But don’t worry.  I’m positive that Target will do all it can to ensure that its employees won’t be able to afford actually going to a game, so there should be no worries regarding those dreaded undesirables.

Thumbnail image for Target logo.jpgHm.  Just feels good, doesn’t it?  I like nothing more than to be a forgotten cog in the wheel of a greedy, predatory economy.  Makes me feel… oh, I don’t know… it makes me feel…

alive.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

**This post has been graciously brought to you by Target.  Target: We’re Not Wal-Mart.

May I Propose a Trade?

kid.crying.jpgAs has happened in years past, the trade deadline frenzy wore me out and left me for dead.  With all the craziness around the league where names like Bay, Ramirez, Griffey, Teixeira, Rodriguez and Farnsworthless are changing into new uniforms, I’m not sure how I should feel.  I know I don’t feel good; but I suppose when it’s all said and done, life could be a lot worse.

Take the Cubs for example.  Having just swept the Brewers, they’re sitting pretty right now atop the NL Central, owning what could be the best starting rotation — thanks to the acquisition of Rich Harden — in the league, yet their fans — frenzied to the max — are out beating up Brewers fans in Milwaukee, bludgeoning Sox fans at little kids’ birthday parties, and writing me continuously obscene hate mail like this:

“…f***in cards s*** no trade no bullpen izzringnhausen is worhtless peace of s*** you f***ing s***hole who wont right me back but you prolly scared coz i put you inyour f***in place you b****. pujols willl prolly break his face from being on such a s****y team. you think ur so hot stuff wel ur not so you can eat a big fat d*** you f** b**** cubs rule sox s*** cards dead…”
cubluvr1995@yahoo.com, July 31, 2008

That sure is some way to express one’s excitement regarding his team’s chances as we get into the latter two months of the season.  Now don’t get me wrong, when the Cardinals or the Sox do well, there’s nothing that makes me feel better than going out and beating the living snot out of a guy or better yet, writing incoherent expletive-ridden emails from the safe anonymity of my mom and dad’s basement.  The difference is: I’m way cool about it.

But the senseless beatings of non-Cub supporters are not that important in the grand scheme of the world.  We US Americans have a decision to make soon; and the way things stand now, that decision won’t be too difficult. 

Recently, Senator John McCain, finally cognizant of the fact that he is about as camera-friendly as a seventy year old scab, hit the airwaves with a new attack ad relating Barack Obama’s popularity of Hope politics to the flagrant shenanigans of infamous celebrities Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.   Uh, yeah.  They’re like one in the same.  I can hardly tell the difference.  Shall we?

Thumbnail image for britney.spears.jpgThumbnail image for obamasox2.jpg

paris.hilton.jpg

Yes, it’s clearly obvious to all who have eyes that Obama’s appeal carries the same sentiment and clamor that comes with these two lovely ladies and their raucous good looks. 

Thank you, John McCain, for taking the time to educate me on this issue.  I’m sure that there is nothing more important you or your campaign could be working on right now what with two wars and an economic crisis being such minor inconveniences.

Dear readers, this odd political angle of strategizing towards the completely ignorant is a bit tired.  This cries out that McCain has lost whatever semblance of an edge he might’ve had at one time and therefore, his message has become stale, moot, boring. 

ron.paul.jpgMay I propose a trade?  Would anyone mind if the GOP pulled out a Manny-like deal and traded John McCain and Rick Davis for Ron Paul?  Sounds like a pretty good deal to me.  Paul is a hard-lined Libertarian-rooted Republican who actually represents the conservative ideals of eradicating Big Government; he also uses the “R” word with conviction and is just as tired of the sickening state of US America as you and I are.  He’s a funny guy — even charming to some degree — and most of all, he would make this race (which, has already become more boring than Clinton v. Dole ’96) an exciting one to watch.

Is it too much to ask the GOP to make this necessary move?  We can extend the deadline… push back the convention if we need to… just this once.  Let’s do it!  I believe that US Americans deserve a good, entertaining political fight and just think of how fun it would be to see Ron Paul and Barack Obama debate the finer points of smoking weed.  Heck, they might even end up agreeing on something!

And that, dear readers, would be a beautiful thing.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Countdown to Incompetence

mozeliak_2.jpgThe July 31st trade deadline isn’t getting any further away yet the St. Louis Cardinals front office, led by GM John Mozeliak, seems content with not trying to get better for a possible playoff push.  Apparently, Mozeliak, who is beginning to remind us of a certain head of state stubborn enough to believe his own methods of irresponsibility and subtle lunacy will actually work despite the entire planet’s discouragement, is quite okay with sitting back and letting fate (or the lack thereof) decide the ballclub’s competitive future.

In case you weren’t watching that god-awful series against the Brewers last week, Mr. Mozeliak, the Cardinals desperately need bullpen reinforcements.  DESPERATELY.  Pull the trigger.  Go out and get a guy who can hold a lead in the late innings.  Do something — anything — that will prove to Cardinals fans that you actually care.  We US Americans can no longer accept the fact that the Cubs, Brewers, Yankees, even the Astros, are spending a little bit of money, going out and getting all the pieces they need to make it to the post season.

And now that Izzy has been given the closer duties — again — our best bet is to have at least a 9-run lead going into the final innings of the game.  The Cardinals bullpen has already given me a serious heart condition and as I have said before, watching them in save situations makes me extremely uncomfortable. 

How uncomfortable?

As uncomfortable as you’ll feel watching this:

Yes, that really happened. 

Yes, Corey Feldman really takes himself seriously. 

And yes, it’s hard to feel more uncomfortable than that… though the Cardinals brass, with their non-existent attempts at making a deal, are trying their very hardest to best it.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Why Must the Cardinals Make My Life Miserable?

I can’t eat.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t find a date.

Thank you, St. Louis Cardinals.

kyle_lohse.jpgI went to bed last night thinking: So we blew it.  So what.  Tomorrow will be fine.  Lohse is on the mound.  We’ll be fine.  Really.  It’s all good.  The man is Lazarus.

And he was — just fine, raised from the dead and all — until he was left in a little too long and he started to show weakness: a crumbling arm.  And Tony, with little else to fall back on, because Mozeliak won’t make a deal for some relief, left him in.

And all hell broke loose.

I, as a St. Louis Cardinal fan and devoted US American, refuse to accept this surface steaming idealogical concept that we can survive on our own, without making a deal.  We’re up against the free-spending Cubs and Brewers!  Get your act together, Mr. Mozeliak!  You’re looking a lot like sit-on-my-^ss-while-I-read-a-story-book-GW Bush during the greatest tragedy of our time!

a-rod smirk.jpgI wrote an editorial on my dissatisfaction with the Cardinals’ front office and submitted it to the New York Times; however, they rejected it on the basis that it wasn’t controversial enough — not enough T&A — and it had nothing to do with the Yankees, the Mets, A-Rod nor Madonna.

So much for being the world leader in print news, New York Times.  For that I offer you a great big RSBS “EAT IT!”

And no, you may not hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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