Results tagged ‘ Bullpen ’

Vicenteticus Padillicarpeus

ardi.jpgWhile you and I spend our time wondering when the Phillies bullpen will
next self destruct or why there aren’t as many green M&Ms as there
are brown, or how long it will take Glenn Beck to realize we’re laughing at him, not with him, there are some people in the world (scientists and such as) who pass the time by making ground breaking discoveries, actually furthering the intellect of the human mind.

Move over Lucy.  Make way for Ardi.

That’s right.  Australopithecus afarensis,
an extinct hominid (most commonly known as Lucy), who was once thought
to be our oldest common ancestor, now must take a backseat to the most
recently proclaimed elder of bipedalism: Ardipithecus (or Ardi for short).

Like it or not, this is a big deal because Ardi is a million years older than Lucy!  Consider her the
cougar of the archaeological bar scene.  And with her discovery, the
entire evolutionary map of modern day humans and just exactly where we came
from, how we evolved, what we once were, has been totally rewritten.

It is no longer safe to say we share a common ancestor with
chimpanzees.  More likely than not, we came from Ardi and whoever (or
whatever) came before her.  Her construction is rare, odd, striking: a
bipedal creature with an opposable big toe; an animal that walks
upright on land but acts as a quadruped in its arboreal environment,
Ardi is the corner border in a 5 gazillion trillion piece puzzle that
is the evolutionary road to modern day humans.

We’re starting to know where we came from.

Yet the only plausible explanation science can come up with for where the
ugly flop-sweat of a man known as Vicente Padilla came from is this
thing from the Clash of the Titans:

clash of the titans.JPGYep.  We’ve come a long way… just not long enough.

Hate me ‘cuz I don’t pull punches, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace

Jeff

**Special thanks to Jason Russell for the pic and assist. You can follow him on Twitter at @JasonrussellUT

If the Mets Were a Futon…

david wright big helmet.jpgAs the 2009 regular season comes to a close, so too do the pains suffered by most Major League clubs (unless you’re the Phillies, of course, who will have to endure a flat bullpen through at least three playoff games) and no team has bled out more publicly than the New York Mets.

I haven’t said a whole lot about the Mets’ woes because, well, everybody else has done quite an adequate job of ripping them apart, feasting on their mishaps, devouring their disastrous misfortune.

Then I found a futon.

On the interwebs.

Duh.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 New York Mets (played by an inanimate metal futon frame shot with a hand held digital camera):

http://embed.break.com/MTQwMzgwMQ==
EMBED-Throwing Futon Out Window Goes Wrong – Watch more free videos

Yep.  It’s broke.

Either just leave it there, dead on the ground, or start all over again fresh with a new, shiny, expensive futon that can take a beaning or two.  Put a great big kiddie helmet on it if ya like.  I’m cool with that.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Whadya Expect? Socialism!?!

obama joker.jpg“Yeah, maybe he [Brad Lidge] is not having a stellar season but after what he did last year, the guy deserves a little bit of a break… He’s not really any sort of appropriate object for scorn.”
– Allen Krause

Uh oh.  Dear readers, there he goes again.

Indeed, with the above statement, my always venomous and sometimes sneaky colleague across the aisle, Mr. Allen Krause, not only managed to embarrass himself with more tired slandering, but he also succeeded in alienating his entire base: people who love the game of baseball.

Believe me, those people in Philadelphia ain’t too happy about the lackluster performances of one Brad Lidge.

And with a Major League leading 8 blown saves this season, who would be?

Lidge should not be an object for scorn, Mr. Krause?  Let me tell you something.  Your recent absence from my watchful eye and the overall sanctity of RSBS‘ loyal readers has caused you to forget the most important fact of them all: this is US America!!!

And US America is not some sicko socialist regime where everyone can expect to be treated equally regardless of class.  This is not some soft ego-massaging utopia where the Kevin Greggs and Brad Lidges of the world are as praiseworthy as the Mariano Riveras and Joe Nathans.  No, this is not some machinated system of social stability, Mr. Krause.  This is not some communal crackpot of communist theory.  This is not some lewd egalitarian fantasyland where everyone should expect to be taken care of if they get sick and need health care… don’t you know how hard it is for doctors to live their lives with just one Bentley in the garage rather than three!?!

If you can’t succeed on your own, you deserve to be punished!

Whether we’re talking about Brad Lidge or Kevin Gregg or Jesus himself… it doesn’t matter: if you suck, prepare for your roast.

‘Cuz that’s just how life is when you’re free.

Hate me ‘cuz I’m fluent in sarcasm and smarmy as hell, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Sidney Ponson: SOBER!!!

At the end of last week’s thrilling Filibuster, I asked (as usual) for more dear reader questions… and — if possible — pictures of journeyman screw-up Sidney Ponson not under the influence.

Hilarious, I know.

Hilarious because, indeed, it was just a throw-away quip… a nonsensical one-off… a friggin’ jape.

But boy was I surprised when our inbox actually received a picture of Sidney which shows him to be in complete control of his own cognizance.

sidneyandme.jpgSpecial thanks to Mary Retallick (pictured right, whom you can often find on Gateway Redbirds Forum) for sending this to our attention… and special, special thanks to you, Mary, for sending it with the subject line: Picture of Sidney Ponson sober.

‘Cuz that is funny.

Not only do you “get it”, you also got us, making us full-fledged believers in other mythical creatures like Bigfoot, Skunk Ape and a well-spoken G.W. Bush.

And to a man (that’s you, Sidney) more accustomed to hearing the words “designated for assignment” than “we would like to offer you a contract extension”, this post is most assuredly a sign of better things to come.

Yeah.  You got me.  I’m totally lying.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right, Sidney.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

man in pain.jpgWhat is it and how is it cured?

Mike
Montgomery, TX

____________________________________

Wow.  And somehow I thought I was the only one who spoke in cryptic non sequiturs.  Since that is obviously not the case, let me go ahead and assume that the “it” in this curious question must be that big Prince Fielder-like elephant in the room — that thing that I have avoided all season long, that embarrassing premonition that makes me, well, makes me look like a fool…

Because it is no lie that before the 2009 season even started, I had written off the Cardinals’ chances of competing all together.  Due to the stagnant off season — an off season where General Manager John Mozeliak did very little except to add a few journeymen relievers and a .220 hitting Jeff Spicoli lookalike shortstopI was sure that the Redbirds were destined for the bottom of the NL Central.

Oh how I overlooked the perennial abomination that is the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Still, after watching the St. Louis bullpen blow nearly 30 late inning leads in 2008, how was I to expect that they would somehow find a way to be this good this quickly?  I am simply a man of reason and reason said to make other plans for October.  And now, as we sit atop the NL Central at 61-51, clearly the front-runners in the division despite the Cubs’ second half surge, I think it is time for me to do something that is rarely ever necessary:

I must admit that maybe… just maybe… I was wrong.

Indeed, Mike in Montgomery, TX, “it” is my disdainful pessimism for my favorite baseball team and it can only be cured by them performing well — from here til the end.

meatonahook_1.jpgThen again, “it” might just be pork; and in that case you just rub some salt on it and let it sit for a while.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(*Man in pain image courtesy of All About Alcoholism — don’t ask)

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pictures of a sober Sidney Ponson also welcome but we’re pretty sure those don’t exist.

If There Were Crying in Baseball, Yankees Would Be Doing Lots of It

derek jeter crying.jpgDuring my high school days there was this kid who caused quite a bubble of interest everywhere he went.  A by all means normal, good-lookin’ dude, this guy was the essence of cool, the poster-child of charm, the cliche of class.

He had money.  Nice car.  Designer jeans.

Yet despite all of those wonderful attributes — both material and physical — no matter how hard he tried, the kid just couldn’t get right.

He failed school.  He drove under the influence.  He burned down his own house.

Nowadays, at 30 years old, you can find him living in his parents’ basement, driving his half-totaled IROC-Z with T-Tops back and forth to a running jape of part-time service industry jobs which require little more than a heartbeat.

And every time I see the Yankees, dear readers, I can’t help but think of him.

Because no matter how hard they try, the New York Yankees just can’t get right.

Excessive amounts of money, $1.5 billion new stadium, marquee pitching… and still, those damn Yankees can’t beat the Red Sox, best the Royals’ win total or avoid the onslaught of negative press that follows Alex Rodriguez around like Jose Molina does an all-you-can-eat buffet.

It is sad, folks, really sad when the most positive headlines from the Yankees’ young season include the following:

  • Nick Swisher as Offensive Powerhouse
  • Damaso Marte Injured; Physically Unable to Allow His Typical 5 Runs per Appearance
  • Joe Girardi’s Excuse: I Am as Dumb as I Look

Jimmy Dugan may have said “there’s no crying baseball”, but he didn’t say jack about burning down your own house.  And so far, the Yanks are doing a mighty fine job of that!

I mean, don’t get me wrong, a 13-12 record ain’t all that bad, but in the Evil Empire, you might as well be winless.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Filibuster

This weekend we saw a series pitting the team with the best record in
the league against the team with the worst record. At what point in the
season do you think we’ll see this again and which teams will take part
the next time around?

–Allen
__________________________________________

Bush_Nats.jpgAs long as the Washington Nationals continue to be a baseball franchise (sorta), you can be quite sure that this scenario will pop up once again.  Will they be playing the MLB best Cardinals next time?  The Dodgers?  The Blue Jays in June during interleague play?

The truth is: I have absolutely no clue.

Because so far nothing this season has been on my radar: that the Cardinals’ piecemeal bullpen could hold itself together through April… that the Blue Jays would find a way to win in the AL East… that no one wants Pedro Martinez…

But in the end, one thing will always remain certain: The Washington Nationals are a national joke.

After some hardcore number-crunching analysis, one might conclude that their suckage is rooted in their inherent identity crisis:
 

  • Are we the Expos?
  • Are we the Senators who are now the Twins?
  • Are we the Nationals who were the Expos?
  • Are we the other Senators who are now the Rangers?

Or perhaps it stems from their dizzying closet of uniform combinations:

washington nationals uniforms.jpgWho knows? Maybe the Nats are an embarrassment because they find this food stand inside Nationals Park to be a family-friendly establishment:

senators sausages.jpgDear readers, I could go in a million different directions with that snafu of a baseball bodega — none of them good — but I will save you (and myself) from the certain discomfort and unpleasant visualization it would cause.

Whatever the reason for the Nationals’ lack of success, I must admit how sad it was for me — as a baseball fan — to see such a beautiful ballpark only a quarter full for a Friday night game.  It was disappointing too that there were more Cardinal fans in attendance than Nats fans and that the loudest cheers I heard all weekend were in response to the Capitals vs. Penguins playoff hockey game — the favorable D.C. score of which was posted on the jumbotron in between innings, thus rousing Washingtonians into a fervent coup d’etat aimed towards building a bigger hockey arena while at the same time finding a more thirsty suitor for the oh-so-lowly Nats, all of their prior nicknames, logos and dysfunctional sausages.

So far, no takers.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

(Senators Sausages image courtesy of Wonkette)
(Uniform image courtesy of Wikipedia)

Motivational Speaking

Round two of the Cubs/Cardinals rivalry kicked off Friday night and once again the game wobbled in the unsteady hands of each club’s respective bullpens. 

Ryan Franklin was a success.

Carlos Marmol was not.

Here’s why:

albert pujols ryan franklin.jpg
lou piniella carlos marmol.jpgIf you don’t know by now, Albert Pujols is a baseball god.  He hits for average.  He hits for power.  He steals bases.  He motivates his teammates.  I would rather donate half my salary to the Republican Party, sit on Rush Limbaugh’s lap and make out with Ann Coulter while listening to the entire Barry Manilow catalogue than piss off Pujols.

No wonder Franklin got the job done.

As for Marmol, well, can anyone blame him for yet another failure?  His manager hates him.  He has no clearly defined role on the team.  And he just found out that General Motors is pulling the plug on the Pontiac line!

Life just ain’t fair; I couldn’t be happier.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

(*Base images courtesy of the Associated Press)

Fire at Will; Give Fred a Shot

washington nationals suck.jpgWhen a Major League Baseball team fires the majority of its relief pitching staff
and restocks it with a fresh cast of bumming bandits headlined by the
ubiquitously underachieving journeyman Kip Wells (of all waifs), you
can be certain that that team has hit its absolute rock bottom.

Congratulations, Washington Nationals!  You are the burnt toast of our nation’s capital.  We are going to eat you up.

Of course, picking on the Nationals is a lot like kicking a quadriplegic — it does get old after a while — and since my indomitably fatalistic colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, already did a good job
of slamming the organization for all its follies, I would like to
propose a more optimistic approach to gibing this laughingstock of a
team.

manny acta.1.jpgBut first, let us agree that whether Nationals’ manager
Manny Acta is responsible for the team’s atrocious play or not is, at
this point, quite negligible; because, just like a Kyle Farnsworth
fastball to the number eight hitter, Acta is gonna be outta here
And after two miserable years and countless futile attempts at
corralling the motley crew of ex-cons, high profile free agents and
drug addicts, Acta probably won’t mind taking his rightful place in the
unemployment line.

So I — humble paragon of hope that I am –
would like to offer the D.C. brass some friendly advice on who should
replace Acta at the managerial helm.  Let’s face it: right now what the
Nationals need more than anything is a fiery, go get ‘em, gnarly
skipper who won’t take crap from anyone — someone who eschews personal
dignity and goes right for the jugular! 

Mitt Romney comes to
mind.  He’s in the D.C. loop.  He’s Mormon (synonymous with “scary”). 
He supports blowing up people if they don’t agree with him, which is
evident in his recent remarks that President Obama is a “timid advocate of freedom”
for trying to conduct a sensible dialogue with Latin American leaders rather
than walking into the meetings strapped with an AK-47 and a briefcase
full of Zyklon gas. 

Then again, like the Nationals, Romney can be better summed up as a simple loser

I
hear George W. Bush is looking for a job.  And though he is most known
for his stints at drunk driving, mismanaging war and ignoring a city in
peril, I must admit he did do a pretty decent job during his baseball
days in Arlington.  Still, something with Dubya will always be amiss. 
He just doesn’t have the necessary flair it takes to rally a country,
let alone a hapless baseball team.

If not these men, then who,
dear readers, can lead the way?  Who has the guts, the guile, the zip, the zap, the
unadulterated masochism, the uncanny madness… who has what it takes
to whip those gutterball Nationals into a state of frenzied affirmation
and show them what real success tastes like?

There is but one answer.  One man (boy?).  His name is Fred.  And Fred is awesome.

Send Fred into the Nats’ clubhouse — just once
and I guarantee Elijah Dukes will never screw up again.  Don’t believe
me?  See the wrath of Fred (without his medication no less) for
yourself…

…just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

One Down, 29 More Blown Saves to Go…

jason motte.jpg…and that’s only if the 2009 lackluster beer-league softball team of a Cardinals bullpen wants to equal last year’s pathetic mark.

And let me tell ya, folks, they’re well on their way.

For if Opening Day is any indication as to what we Cardinal fans can expect this season, we are in for a long, painful, vomit-inducing ride.

In fact, I’m still cleaning up the mess I made yesterday.

Thank you, Jason Motte.

But more thanks to you, John Mozeliak, our miserly GM who spent the entire off-season ignoring the Cardinals’ biggest problem: the gaudy, bloody mess of a metastasizing bullpen.

Sure, having a healthy, strong, productive Adam Wainwright and Chris Carpenter in the rotation is great and all.  And yes, we will take a lot of leads into the sixth inning; but unless we find a way to get Albert Pujols on the bump for the 7th, 8th and 9th, we are in line to fall apart every single night like Amy Winehouse at an open bar mixer.

puking-pumpkin.jpgIn both cases, the result will be the same: lots and lots of puking.

And though I am impressed with Jason Motte’s blazing fastball, it’s not really all that impressive when that’s all he throws (that slider that doesn’t slide doesn’t count).  I’m sure Jack Wilson was thinking the same thing when he sat back and ripped that game-winner.

Dear readers, if running a baseball organization was a democracy, the revolution would have long been over by now; and the ominous, towering, domineering statue of John Mozeliak would be lying in ruins.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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