Results tagged ‘ Carl Crawford ’

The WikiLeaking of Major League Baseball

wikileak.jpegVigilantes! Whistle-blowers! And spies!

Oh my!

Don’t worry, dear readers, RSBS is on it.  Sure, the WikiLeaks crew seems to be focusing their efforts on outing wrongs and ending wars, but don’t forget: a lot of these folks are US Americans (I think?) and after they solve enough military crises and torture pandemics, they’re gonna turn their attention to what really matters:

Baseball.

Luckily, for you, we have the inside track.  Of course, such sensitive information doesn’t come easily, and It is important to remember that many RSBS interns perished in order to bring you the truth.

Please.  Be respectful of that.

And do with it what you will.  After reading the following information, I advise you to lock all the doors, close all the windows and drink some beer.  You’ll feel better.

Maybe.

- – – WIKILEAKS CONFIDENTIAL; MLB FACTION – – -

Derek Jeter is being courted by the Red Sox.  And he is listening.

The Expos are not dead. They’re frozen in carbonite until the Quebecois can be fooled into thinking they’re watching hockey. Almost there.

Peter Gammons is Gepetto. For real.

The Pittsburgh Pirates’ 1979 uniform combos were designed by embedded Russian spies hoping to kill the American public with ugliness. They almost succeeded… if it weren’t for that damn Sister Sledge!!!

Contrary to popular belief, Desmond Jennings is NOT Carl Crawford. The Rays are making a mistake.

Jon Hamm loves the Cardinals. (Oh, that’s not a secret? Of course not… everyone should love the Cardinals!)

The Cubs remain in a perpetual state of misery… because they can. Cubs fans keep coming back. For more.

Prince Fielder is prone to eating himself if left alone for more than 15 minutes at a time.

Yorvit Torrealba’s name spelled backwards is Ablaerrot Tivory, which looks like a Prussian hybrid name. But it’s not. It’s Spanish. Backwards. Try it. You’ll see.

And finally…

We know what Jayson Werth did last summer… and it wasn’t Chase Utley’s wife!!!

- – – END CONFIDENTIALITY – – -

Hate me ‘cuz I get the facts.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

Wow.  Baseball is really over.  I’m feeling a little lost here.  Should I
turn to football, alcohol or the annual Victoria’s Secret holiday
special for comfort?

Ben
Kokomo, IN
_______________________________

jeff with his catalogue.jpgWelcome to my WORLD, Ben!  Welcome to my baseball god forsaken world!!!

For serious though, anyone who knows me knows to be very, very cautious this time of year… for the sudden drop of the best baseball teams on the planet playing for a title to absolutely no baseball games at all can be beyond devastating.

I ain’t gonna tell on myself, but if you refer to the sheer number of world catastrophes that have taken place during the month of November over the last several years, you’ll understand exactly what I’m trying to say.

So.  How do we cope?

Football helps.  But not if you’re a Bears fan.  So, yeah.  I’m screwed there.

Hockey helps.  No.  That’s a lie.  Hockey doesn’t help.  At all.

My pal Johanna (from the RSBS podcasts) is trying to get me into the NBA… he’s been quizzing me on my basketball knowledge.  My only problem is that the last time I paid any attention to the NBA, Charles Barkley and Shaquille O’Neal were in their primes (and half their current sizes!) so I’ve got a lot to catch up on.  Apparently Dwight Howard and Juwan Howard are not the same person.

And beer.  Yes.  Beer will help.  A lot.  Especially if you mix beer and vodka and gin with Johnnie Walker… and a few bottles of Ambien.  After that cocktail you won’t even remember to watch the Victoria Secret Holiday Special, let alone care about it.

And if everything goes according to the above plan, you can eliminate most of the doldrums tha traditionally take place between Thanksgiving and President’s Day.  By then, Cliff Lee will be in pinstripes, Jayson Werth will be in pinstripes, and Carl Crawford will be in pinstripes!!!

So join me, Ben… join me, dear readers galore… and let us ride off into that fabled sunset known as off-season delirium.  It won’t hurt.  I promise.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

****

As is tradition here at RSBS, The Filibuster will now go on hiatus until pitchers and catchers report in the spring, leaving more room for the avant-garde ridiculousness you’ve come to expect from us over the years.  Of course, come February we’ll announce its return; in the meantime, we would like to heartily thank all the strangers, friends, relatives, morons, geniuses and fellow bloggers who have sent in Filibuster questions during the 2010 season.  Without y’all, it’d just be Al and I talkin’ to ourselves (BORING!)… so thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

MmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmUAH!

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