Results tagged ‘ Charlie Sheen ’

Tiger Blood

The coke-binged, wiry meme used as today’s title may not have the same ring to it as it did WAY back in 2011, but if you’re a fan of the Detroit variety, you know that Tiger blood is still in the streets.

Well, the South Florida streets anyway.

In case you’ve been distracted by the train wreck that is the Republican Party primary, Victor Martinez tore his ACL and will be out for the whole season, leaving my pessimistic and oft lugubrious colleague, Mr. Krause, as sad as sad can be (probably).

But not all hope is lost, Mr. Krause.  My team lost its ace pitcher prior to the ’11 season and we went out and won the whole damn thing.

Still, just in case Tigers fans are really feeling suicidal, let me remind you of some even bigger Tiger fails that make this one look minor in comparison:

For those of you who are still trying to forget the 2003 season actually happened, let me just remind you that Mike Maroth (above) went 9-21 that year with an ERA of 5.73.

See, life can ALWAYS be worse.  Like Mike Maroth worse.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Chillin’ with the Enemy

Rubbin' a little Bernie Brewer belly... because I can.

For those of us caught up in the modern technocratic lifestyle, establishing a clear line between friend and foe makes life a bit simpler (albeit unpleasant at times).  When prompted for an opinion, we often don’t have time to think; we must know, must be ready to jump on a topic and run.  And this is where established distinctions are helpful (even if detrimental to peace — sorry!).

It’s 2011 and enemies abound.  In the NBA, LeBron is the antithesis of good.  In politics, we have Sarah Palin.  In humanity, it’s Charlie Sheen.

But what do we do when our “enemies” aren’t that bad at all?

Over the weekend, the St. Louis Cardinals got swept by the Milwaukee Brewers, a feat that not only caused a bit of embarrassment for me and my fellow bird fanatics, but also knocked the Cardinals out of first place all together.  Am I angry?  Do I want to hold my breath and take a hammer to my digits?  Am I going to hurt someone?

No, of course not.  It’s June and the NL Central race has barely begun.  But I must say, even if it does come down to St. Louis and Milwaukee in October, I will have a hard time hating on the Brewers like I do the sCrUBBIES.

On Saturday, I went to Miller Park for the very first time and I have to say: it’s a beautiful place full of beautiful people genuinely enjoying our beautiful sport.  Have you ever seen a sea of tailgaters for a baseball game?!?  I mean, everyone was so… nice!  And the park experience was so… pleasant… and the atmosphere was so… positive!

Prior to this excursion, my understanding of the Brewers organization could be summed up in three sentences: Beat you in ’82.  Bud Selig was a better owner than a commish.  And Prince Fielder is HONGRY.

But really, after taking in the Miller Park experience I have to update my mental Rolodex.  It’s not every day you visit a rival ballpark and are welcomed with a smile and a handshake.  And as often as I’ve donned my ’06 WS patched Yadier Molina jersey into enemy territory, only at Miller Park was I stopped and commended on my team’s run of that year.  And did I mention the cheese curds!?

Oh what heaven!!!

Don’t worry, dear readers, I ain’t gettin’ soft.  I’ll box a Brewer if I gotta; but in a world where negativity rules the infoway, I find it refreshing to give credit to those who are pretty cool folks.

That being said, I hope the Brewers lose every one of their games from here until the end of the season.

Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Johanna and I posin' prior to first pitch.

Mission Accomplished!

Phillies fan osama bin laden dead
Yes, dear readers!  Now the shortlist of unchecked tasks to bring peace and universal happiness to the entire world is down to just three:

1.  Reinstate the All-Star Game as an exhibition game with no World Series home field implications

2.  Get Charlie Sheen to go away

And…

3.  Figure out what the hell Brian Wilson’s beard is actually made of.

If we can do all of the above, then I would really be impressed.

And the world will thank us.

Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Flying Too Close to the Sun

icarus.jpgConfidence is a good thing.

But, too much confidence can be deadly.

To Red Sox Nation, who declared the season over before it even started, this message couldn’t be more true.

Or how about Charlie Sheen and his self-destructing, bridge-burning rampage against all-things reasonable?  Couldn’t he have boned some pornstar chicks AND STILL gotten to work on time?

And to the US American electorate who expected the Obama administration to clap its hands and make 8 years of mess magically disappear, do you not understand that these things take time?  That a Mitt Romney or Michelle Bachmann led fascist regime is not the answer?  That political infrastructures aren’t as simple as iPhone apps or ordering chicken fried rice from your local Chinese joint?

Confidence is a good thing.

But, too much confidence can be deadly.

Just ask Mike Leake about his confidence in the good ole five-finger discount.

Hate me ‘cuz I say what you’re thinking, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Understanding Ozzie

ozzie guillen crazy.jpgWhether he’s hawking random expletives, labeling Jay Mariotti as “a garbage” or mumbling Spanglish idioms no one understands during the World Series on Fox, Ozzie Jose Guillen is always entertaining.

And while his latest project may be getting Jake Peavy to respect his own body (regarding injury, not that Jesusy “your body is a temple” stuff), we should all certainly stop to thank the baseball gods that, despite his busy schedule, Ozzie still has time to tweet.

Oh yes. 

Ozzie tweets.

It’s just that… sometimes, his tweets… they’re not easy to comprehend.  And that’s where RSBS and our faithful interns get to work!

Let us enter the interwebs to analyze some of Ozzie’s latest…

My dog dh needs a gf he want to be charlie sheen he is desperate lol
March 3, 2011
Translation: I think it’d be funny if my dog did a bunch of coke, assaulted hookers and got fired from the best job in television, ‘cuz let’s face it: self-destruction is hilarious.

Very nice day off great golf 89 finnaly play good any cuestion ask oney lol yesssss
March 15, 2011
Translation: Punctuation?  Spelling?  I don’t need no stinking punctuation or spelling!  Ask one of my delinquent sons!

Nice shot james lol

February 24, 2011
Translation: Bet you wish you had a Derrick Rose, right, LeBron?!?!  (this tweet came during one of the Bulls’ three victories over the Heat — right after LeBron threw up a humiliating BRICK towards the end of the game.)

Open a jack in the box in chicago please
February 24, 2011
Translation: I have an E Coli addiction and I need a fix!  Stat!

And, finally…

Getting ready to watch bruno the movie lol… Joey cora favorite movie
March 19, 2011 (Pt. 1 and Pt. 2)
Translation: Joey Cora is gay.

Folks, this is but a small sampling of the logorrheic ramblings Ozzie spews on a daily basis, which is definitely cause to celebrate technocracy.  Just imagine if Earl Weaver had a twitter… oh boy.

Hate me, I don’t care.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Keeping Up With the Gaddafis

In an attempt to present the nuanced coverage of Muammar Gaddafi that the rest of the internet seems to be lacking, RSBS has recently focused on the softer side of the good Colonel.  Sure, he may be batshit insane and the Michael Jackson of despots (bleached skin, disturbed children, etc.), but there’s also a softer side to the guy.  It’s clear that Mr. Gaddafi puts some thought into the face he presents the world.

qaddafi_robe.jpgOk, maybe not enough thought.

But, as we’ve seen this past week, at least the Colonel is in good company.  In fact, it’s just about impossible to tell him apart from somebody like Charlie Sheen.  Granted, Charlie hasn’t killed anyone (yet), but the way he’s going it’s probably only a matter of time.  So, Charlie, Muammar.  I’d like to dedicate this Saturday to you.  If nothing else you’ve given Jeff something to focus on besides Wainwright’s broken elbow.  That’s no small feat.

-A

How Many Second Chances Make Too Many Second Chances?

Charlie_Sheen.jpgMy father’s words may have been cliche when he told me, “It’s not about whether or not you fall down, Jeff, it’s about whether or not you get back up”, but no words could have been more uplifting to my beaten, battered soul.

At the time, I was in the lowest place I had ever been. 

Defeated.  Destroyed.  Desolated. 

To say I had lost the will to live, that I didn’t care about anyone or anything anymore — including myself — can not be overstated. 

I was, literally, done.

Until I started to believe — really, truly believe – that the cliche was right, that I could measure myself by my ability to get back up, that deep down inside, I had guts.

My situation proposed two options: give up and be nothing forever or fight like hell to be the best Jeffery Lung I could possibly be.

One second chance was all I needed.  And I didn’t waste it. 

It definitely wasn’t easy.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I f***ing did it.  And I’m proud as hell to say I f***ing did it.

Of course, not everyone has the guts to get back up.  And, somehow, those somebodies often find themselves with third and fourth and fifth chances.

But how many chances is too many chances, Charlie Sheen?  How long before we ought to just give up on you like you’ve given up on yourself, Milton Bradley?  Destructive behavior is destructive behavior, whether it’s a lifestyle, an addiction or anger management issues; and if one is not willing to help himself, then, in my opinion, he isn’t worth helping.  Period.

There are too many other issues that the world and its resources should be concerned about.  I think it’s time we send the Charlie Sheens of the world a message: we don’t care about you or your problems anymore.  If you screw up, you’re done.  No more chances, no more tries, no more fake mea culpas. 

It didn’t work for Steve Howe.*

And after twenty plus years of insanity, I highly doubt it’s gonna work for a silver-spooned brat who just doesn’t get it (and by “it” I mean, life, in general).

Hate me.  Go ahead.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*Steve Howe is dead now. He died in a car wreck. He was strung out on meth at the time.

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 18: Major League Fleshlights… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 12.jpg

Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff, Allen, Johanna and Second City’s Mark Piebenga knock off the winter rust and gear up for what looks like a fantastically competitive 2011 season.  Besides being racy, risque and borderline offensive (or, just plain offensive), the topics of discussion include but are not limited to the best orange juice of all time, Michael Young’s precarious situation, Major League collisions and much, much more… all to make you happy face!

Holla!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  You can experience Keith’s wicked podcast and subsequent film projects at  Undercard Films.  Keith is a hot topic right now!  Not only is he filming that cool baseball doc, but now he’s got some commercial gigs from the Undercast, AND he’s investing in fleshlights!  Pay him a visit!

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Recorded Saturday, January 29, 2011

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 8: Jason Heyward’s Bust… and Other Stuff

rsbs podcast photo 8.jpg
Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Allen: “If somebody’s willing to pay you the money, then that’s what you’re worth.”

Jeff: “I make magic happen…”

Johanna: “Chapped sack.”

Of course, that’s just the beginning… there’s also punching Mrs. Johanna’s dad and spending a night in jail, Judge Judy putting Yankees to shame, Oh-No-Farnsworth, the Lou Piniella Mailbag and much, much more… bringin’ great big laughs to those bellies yo!

Holla!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and all-around sound guru.  If you like baseball, wanna learn about the Negro Leagues and would like to know more about stuff that is awesome, check out his Undercast podcast.  He’s an MMA fighter too. So listen or he’ll beat you up.  Visit Undercard Films!

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MUSIC BY MEQQA <— Download their music it is rad as hell :-)

Recorded Saturday, August 14, 2010

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