Results tagged ‘ Chone Figgins ’

An Evening with Yu

It may not have been Strasmas, but according to the lunar calendar (and millions of Japanese people) April 9th proved to be an equally auspicious day, no matter what, because it was the very first Major League appearance by the highly touted (and valiantly unashamed to be naked) Yu Darvish.

Like you would expect, I made an evening of it.  Here’s a play-by-play:

4:30 p.m.
Still at work.  I have looked at the clock every minute for the last thirty minutes, and will continue to do so for thirty more.  I finish up the last of my TPS reports, turn them in to my boss and shriek when he yells “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???”

5:30 p.m.
At the gym.  Working on my… nah, who am I kidding, every time I look at a hot chick working out next to me she has Yu Darvish’s face, which I find as distracting as I do disgusting.  Going home now.

6:30 p.m.
Dinner (sushi, of course) has been eaten.  Feet are up.  Beer is in hand.  Let’s DO THIS!  *Belch*

7:05 p.m.
FSSW misses Darvish’s first pitch.  Nice work, dingleberries.  The biggest pitch of the year so far and you miss it.  They come back from commercial break and the count is already 1-0 to Chone Figgins.  AGGGHH!!!  Then Darvish quickly walks him.  Um… this is not how it’s supposed to go, guys.

7:09 p.m
After striking out Ackley on a NAAASTY breaking ball, Ichiro steps in.  Japan loses its mind.  Then Ichiro singles on a blooper to left and, already, I’m realizing Yu ain’t Strasburg (yet).

7:16 p.m.
Now Justin Smoak is on first, bases are loaded with one out for Kyle Seager.  Bases loaded?  I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR NO BASES LOADED!!!

7:18 p.m.
Two-run gapper to right and now I’m pissed.  I could have been out on a date tonight!  With a real, live woman!  And I passed it up for this crap???!!!  WTF are YU DOING!?!?!

7:23 p.m.
Darvish makes Miguel Olivo look like Johnny Bench and I’m bored.  More Daisuke, less Nomo.  Not even close to Strasburg.  He doesn’t even have a weird hitch in his delivery like all the Japanese greats do!

7:25 p.m.
He just walked in a run.  It’s 4-0.  EFF THIS.

Seriously, I know this is a small sample size, but I ain’t impressed and I’m changing the channel… to watch Freese and Holliday and Molina (they all homer)… CHAMPIONS.

Hate me.  I understand.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

***

Once the game was over, it was evident he battled back and settled down.  The offense helped him out and he recovered well, and even fooled some hitters.  But the hoopla was a bit much for me for him not to deliver with jazz hands.  Or maybe I’ve just been spoiled by so much great pitching the last couple years that I expect greatness every game.  Either way, I’ll check in again next time.  I just ain’t makin’ a night of it.

Three Up, Three Down

Just like a Cub fan’s hopes for a victorious 2011 season, this is gonna be quick, probably ugly and will require more alcohol consumption than a weekend with Lindsay Lohan:

Those Damn Pirates!

By now, everyone on the planet with the barest inkling of baseball acumen is amazed, flabbergasted and floored that, going into the weekend before the All Star Game, the Pittsburgh Pirates have a winning record.  While a lot of folks find that to be pretty swell, I find it to be a major pain in the @$$, because now half of my jokes aren’t even relevant. Thanks a lot, Clint Hurdle.  At least, there’s always Bachmann… and Palin… and Beck… and, okay, nevermind, everything’s cool.

J.P.!

The RSBS interns recently handed me a report that suggests White Sox outfielder, Juan Pierre, could very well be an RSBS dear reader galore.  In fact, after our very own schlumbach, Johanna Mahmud, went off on a Charlie Sheenian rant slamming the aging speedster, all Pierre did was go 11 for 31 with 2 doubles, 7 RBIs and act as the game winning hero THREE GAMES IN A ROW.  To even hint that J.P. is in the same class of awful as Chone Figgins and Raul Ibanez should be a crime.  So, next time I see Mr. Mahmud, I’m gonna shoot his eyes with Sriracha and cut off his supply of Goldfish crackers.

Ernie Has Lost His Mind!

Chicago Cubs Hall of Famer, Ernie Banks, was recently quoted as saying the following about current Cubs shortstop, Starlin Castro:

“He’s a great player. He can hit, he can throw. He’s a good young player. He’s better than me.”

*HEAD TWISTS AROUND ITSELF, EYES POP OUT, TONGUE RENDERED USELESS*

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Look, the kid is good.  But he’s like 10 years old and is baseball stupid.  He makes mistakes… all the time!  I hope this isn’t a sign that Banks isn’t all there.  For a team that doesn’t have much to feel good about, at least they can always feel good about Mr. Cub — that is, until he loses his mind, which may have already happened…

Happy Friday!  Call a cab!  It’s easy!

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast paragon, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

The Battle of Juan Pierre and How the Marlins Won the War

It’s obvious what has to happen, but too many heads, egos, and wangs are involved.

Everyone has a soft spot for J.P. , but the rift between Ozzie Guillen and Kenny Williams has us watching a veteran limp to the end of his career like Ol Yeller. You have a GM and manager pillow fighting when they could be on the same page about the players they have.

Our memories of Juan Pierre are warm and fuzzy, but, statistically speaking in weighted OBP and WAR, he’s the third worst player in baseball (after Chone Figgins and Raul Ibanez) and should be cut. He makes outs, gets picked off, drops fly balls, kills his team every day, but he’s a sweetheart and everyone loves Juan.

I feel sorry for Dayan.

I’m starting the Dayan Viciedo camp right now. We’ll have stables, a petting zoo and a FUN MIRROR.

Kenny is insisting that Ozzie isn’t ready to bring up Viciedo because he can’t handle the rookie. Huh? How much worse can he be than Juan Pierre? The issue is what do you do with the finality of the career of Pierre? Guillen’s loyalty to J.P. is getting out of hand. (This happens every season with Williams and Guillen.)

Viciedo is killing it in the minors and the blizzard of Oz and Kenny are screwing the Sox out of being better because of a sophomoric squabble that seems to have no end.

The locker room is getting torn apart because you have two players that should be benched, but only one of them can be cut because of the contract situation. If Adam Dunn was hitting, the Pierre issue would be muted.

This mess won’t be settled until the Oz man is managing the Marlins next year.

–Johanna Mahmud

Things That Are Worse than Paul Reiser…

hitler-mussolini.jpgAfter a mere two episodes that had the same effect as a handful of Ambien chased by a fifth of Knob Creek, Paul Reiser’s triumphant(?) return to network television lasted about as long as a Milton Bradley welcome party.

I guess this is undeniable truth that US America just isn’t mad about you, Mr. Reiser (*RIMSHOT*).

But don’t worry, Paul, there are plenty of folks out there who are WAY WORSE than you.  And of course, the RSBS interns have been working furiously to bring you the shortlist.  Shall we?

Chone Figgins
After signing a $43.5 million deal to be the ignition in an otherwise defunct offense, it only seems fitting that the fate of the Mariners took another giant step backwards as Mr. Figgins continues to be the only thing that smells worse than Pike’s Place fish market.  Last year he topped off his .259 batting average with a debilitating case of bad attitude.  This year, he seems to be on track for more of the same, only, Wakamatsu ain’t there to box the boy’s ears.  Therefore, Chone is definitely worse than Paul Reiser.

Jim Skinner

Since he is the CEO of the McDonald’s Corporation, I think it’s important that we call out Jim Skinner and everything his company stands for: taking advantage of the masses’ inferior intellect.  I don’t care what you do to the labeling, the packaging, etc., “food” that comes from McDonald’s is not f***ing good for you.  In fact, it’s killing you… it’s killing you and the rest of US America.  When I first swore off fast food (about 7 years ago) I was surprised at how my body reacted by feeling good most of the time.  After a year of zero Big Macs, I decided to give it another try.  I had a Big Mac, large fry and a Coke.  An hour later, I threw up… from both ends.  That was my body’s way of saying STOP THE INSANITY.  I did and I’ve never felt better.

Also, people are using Jim’s restaurant as a place to throw down.  Not cool.  So Jim is definitely worse than Paul Reiser.

2010 Jason Bay
This lucky (and smart) Canadian managed to work out a $73 million five-year deal with the Mets after the 2009 season.  He followed that trip to the bank by hitting 6 homeruns in 95 games, before he got hurt and missed the rest of the season. 

He was bad.  So bad that he is STILL worse than Paul Reiser.

Muammar Gaddafi
NATO wants him dead.  That doesn’t make him bad, that makes him SOOP-UH BAD… or, WORSE than Paul Reiser.

olliver perez sitting down.jpgOliver Perez
I really hate to pick on the Mets here, but, well, the Mets have done a lot of dumb things in recent years… like, y’know, pay Oliver Perez $12 million a year to throw baseballs like my athletically-challenged and oft persnickety colleague, Mr. Krause throws softballs. 

Not very good.

Of course, Ollie’s situation comes in way WORSE than Paul Reiser’s, because Ollie is STILL getting $12 million from the Mets this year, even though he’s not on the team.

All of the above are bad.  In fact, all of the above are really bad.

But they are also UNANIMOUSLY rich beyond my Joe Plumber @$$, so… the moral of the story, once again, is be badGet paid.

Congrats on making the team, Paul Reiser.

Hate me ‘cuz it’s legal, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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