Results tagged ‘ Corpulence ’

2008: Rest In Peace (Part I)

RSBS_Mlb.made.LOGO.jpgStill pissed off that Santa didn’t bring me the one thing I wanted most this year (a competent General Manager running the St. Louis Cardinals), I have little choice but to fully embrace the intangible magic of humility.  In doing so, I have decided to channel the tenacity of my bitterness and turn it into sincere, reflective admiration for all that has been accomplished here at RSBS this year.

Not only did we create a unique baseball-politico universe full of hyperbolic criticism and satirically erratic fandom, we also had the good fortune of being surrounded by fabulously smart and like-minded baseball nuts with passionate political views within the MLBlogosphere.

Indeed, in 2008, we saw dreams come true; we saw corruption, glory, beauty, heartbreak, Cinderella, more corruption, more beauty and more heartbreak.  We saw it.  We reported it.  We ripped it to shreds.

In honor of RSBS‘ rapturous reportage, babbling blabberings and partisan posts, I have pulled out the top three 2008 RSBS entries written by that misguided Tiger fan you have all learned to feel sorry for… the one and only Mr. Allen Krause. 

The 1st Runner-Up:

Diversionary Tactics — September 18, 2008
A fat incompetent college football coach, a Broadway musical composer and an old Topps baseball card featuring a solid porn mustache have never made such sweet, sweet love.

The Runner-Up:

Golden Parachutes — December 10, 2008
Hip, Sexy, Current… these three words don’t just sound like a hit NBC mini-series; they also describe the tone of this well-written commentary exploring the ins and outs of our ever-failing government, the ever-declining mystique of Detroit sports franchises and the ever-growing… well, fellas, you know what I’m tryin’ to say… (*Ladies, please ignore that last line ;-)

…and the Winner is:

Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview — October 1, 2008
Hardly known for his loquaciousness, Mr. Krause really put it to dear readers galore with this existentialist exercise in post-modern fantasy capped off by… well… by being RIGHT.  Fine tuned to the unique political and social caricatures of our dear elected leaders, my colleague done me proud with this little ditty of a post — so much so that I… well… I peed a little from all the excitement.

Go ahead, hate me, folks.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Filibuster

Tommy LaSorda is fat.  I mean really fat.  So is John Kruk.  Which current
ballplayer or manager is most likely to become grotesquely obese like
these two men?

–Allen

                                                                                        

Due to the recent developments and growing notoriety of Red State Blue State, it is certainly arguable that I may have lost any sense of humility I once had.  My attorney has advised me to remain silent on this issue, so I will; however, I cannot stop myself from pointing out the increasingly shallow nature of my colleague, Allen Krause.  After much deliberation, my agent has advised me to go ahead and tackle this insensitive inquiry despite the possible repercussions because “there is no such thing as bad press.”

So, Al, my aura and I will now address your lowbrow turn from inquisitive, thought-provoking debate:

lasordasleeps.jpgYeah, Lasorda is overweight.  Kruk is overweight.  A slew of baseball folks easily fit into that dangerous weight category.  But you know what?  That’s just one of the many reasons why I enjoy the game of baseball more than any other sport.

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for johnkruk.jpgHow many competitive sports do you know where a 300 pound man without muscle tone toting around a big, paunch beer belly can be considered a real athlete?  Sure, the NFL has 300+ pound men all over the field, but those guys work out and look good (for the most part).  Meanhwile, big slobby-lookin’ dudes like David Wells, Bobby Jenks and David Weathers thrive as dominant athletes… well, Wells (used to) and Jenks (does) anyway.

I find it quite satisfying seeing an everyday-lookin’ joe like Jenks or Kruk achieve all that success with such a corpulent physique.  It reminds me that baseball is a game that anyone can play — fat guys included — so it creates the illusion that even I, a 29 year old, 5’8, 155 lb. Mandarin-speaking white guy with a 48 mph fastball and a slider that always hangs, could possibly make it to the Big Leagues.  Okay, maybe I’m totally wrong on that… but you get my point.

Of course, this isn’t what Mr. Krause wants to hear.  What he is really asking is which current manager/player is most likely to be the face of NutriSystem, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig. 

My response? 

That is the dumbest question I have ever heard, Al, and you should be ashamed for taking up such precious MLBlog space by asking it.  The 2008 season has begun, your team stinks, my team is in first place, the Jason Grilli ERA Watch has dipped considerably (8.44 at the time of this publication), the Diamondbacks are the best team in baseball, the Sawx v. Evil Empire series is in full-force and all you can muster out of that skinny little head of yours is ‘who will be the fattest person in baseball?’

goreangryatal.jpgShame on you.

I see what you’re trying to do: you’re trying to paint me into a corner, force me to make a fool of myself and talk about something else so we will be distracted from the atrocities of the Tigers and your point of view.  Mr. Krause, I will not subject our readers to such shallow diatribes. 

But I will post some pictures of my favorite plus-size ballplayers, past and present:

bobbyjenks.jpgterrypendleton.jpg

baberuth.jpg

tonygwynnHOF.jpgdavidwells.JPGbigpapi.jpg

alfonseca.jpgrayking.jpgfernandovalenzuela.jpg

So there you have it.  9 of my favorite players with above average appetites.  All this writing about it is making me hungry.  I think I’ll just have an apple.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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