Results tagged ‘ Detroit Lions ’

Countdown to Retribution

lions and tigers.jpgMr. Allen Krause may have a point when he defines me as the saddest man in America whilst the St. Louis Cardinals front office gives new meaning to the word “crapjob”; indeed, watching a team known for its unbridled winning tradition falter into a debilitated trance under the penny-pinching antics of John Mozeliak is not only gut-wrenching, it’s depressing as well.  For unlike Mr. Krause and his coveted haphazard sports franchise affiliations (namely the Detroit Tigers and the Detroit Lions), we Cardinal fans expect great things from our team every game, every day, every year.

We’re winners.

We’re not poster children for the Buddha’s life is suffering mantra.

And we’re certainly not dumb enough to make statements like “we’ll both revel in the genius that is Dave Dombrowski” before the most expensively bad team ever took the field.  That’s just plain irresponsibility in ten words or less.

If anyone should apologize to the dear readers of RSBS it should be Mr. Krause, who was so brazen in his blogging, so careless in his quips, so insensitive in his irrationality that he completely forgot about the 86 years of purely agonizing, flesh-eating hell that Red Sox fans went through before their ultimate redemption.  In essence, he called them whiny crybabies who cling to their guns and religion.

Didn’t you learn anything in 2008, Al?

I did.

I learned that there is no substitution for retribution.

And you’re old.

http://www.countdownclockcodes.com/cd/ccc-birthday/show.swf?clickURL=http://www.countdownclockcodes.com/&clickLABEL=MySpace%20Countdown%20Clocks&flashLABEL=Countdown%20Clock%20Codes&skin=http://www.countdownclockcodes.com/cd/ccc-birthday/skins/6.jpg&text=Mr%2E%20Allen%20Krause%20is%20the%20Big%2030%21He%20was%205%20years%20old%20the%20last%20time%20the%20Tigers%20won%20the%20WS%20and%20it%27s%20been%20nothing%20but%20heartache%20since%2E%20Much%20more%20to%20come%2E%2E%2E&untilColor=16711680&textColor=0&datesColor=16711680&year=2009&month=0&day=15&hour=0&minute=0&second=0&x=6&y=77
MySpace Countdown Clocks

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

2008: Rest In Peace (Part I)

RSBS_Mlb.made.LOGO.jpgStill pissed off that Santa didn’t bring me the one thing I wanted most this year (a competent General Manager running the St. Louis Cardinals), I have little choice but to fully embrace the intangible magic of humility.  In doing so, I have decided to channel the tenacity of my bitterness and turn it into sincere, reflective admiration for all that has been accomplished here at RSBS this year.

Not only did we create a unique baseball-politico universe full of hyperbolic criticism and satirically erratic fandom, we also had the good fortune of being surrounded by fabulously smart and like-minded baseball nuts with passionate political views within the MLBlogosphere.

Indeed, in 2008, we saw dreams come true; we saw corruption, glory, beauty, heartbreak, Cinderella, more corruption, more beauty and more heartbreak.  We saw it.  We reported it.  We ripped it to shreds.

In honor of RSBS‘ rapturous reportage, babbling blabberings and partisan posts, I have pulled out the top three 2008 RSBS entries written by that misguided Tiger fan you have all learned to feel sorry for… the one and only Mr. Allen Krause. 

The 1st Runner-Up:

Diversionary Tactics — September 18, 2008
A fat incompetent college football coach, a Broadway musical composer and an old Topps baseball card featuring a solid porn mustache have never made such sweet, sweet love.

The Runner-Up:

Golden Parachutes — December 10, 2008
Hip, Sexy, Current… these three words don’t just sound like a hit NBC mini-series; they also describe the tone of this well-written commentary exploring the ins and outs of our ever-failing government, the ever-declining mystique of Detroit sports franchises and the ever-growing… well, fellas, you know what I’m tryin’ to say… (*Ladies, please ignore that last line ;-)

…and the Winner is:

Allen’s Post-Partisan Playoff Preview — October 1, 2008
Hardly known for his loquaciousness, Mr. Krause really put it to dear readers galore with this existentialist exercise in post-modern fantasy capped off by… well… by being RIGHT.  Fine tuned to the unique political and social caricatures of our dear elected leaders, my colleague done me proud with this little ditty of a post — so much so that I… well… I peed a little from all the excitement.

Go ahead, hate me, folks.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Can We Talk About the Lions?

detroit lions.jpgTo say that we at RSBS aren’t both touched and appalled at the desire for our dear readers to find out how “wemen hit mens’ balls” by perusing our plentiful pages of posts would not only be a mistake — it’d be completely false.  In fact, we do care.  We want to help in whatever way possible; it’s just that we’re US Americans.  We have short attention spans.

What?

Exactly.

This is why I feel the need to address Mr. Krause’s 800 pound gorilla (and no, I am not talking about his sister).  For those of you who pay attention, you already know that Mr. Krause not only roots for his lackluster, underachieving, overpaid Tigers, but he is also stringently aligned with the laughingstock of the NFL: the Detroit Lions.

And in case you live in a Cold War era bomb shelter like the one underneath my grandma’s house with all the amenities of a North Korean disco party, you know the Lions are 0-13 with just three games left on their already light schedule.  That’s right.  No wins.  Just losses… and a lot of them.  If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought that Chris Berman, Shannon Sharpe, Dan Marino, James Brown and every other NFL pregame analyst working the networks yesterday was actually rooting, hoping, wishing that the Lions go on to become the first team ever in the history of the National Football League to not win a single game the entire season.

You can count me in on that wish too.

Because it’s funny.

All joking aside, it is no secret that I love football; but this is a classic example of why baseball, in my humble yet nearly one hundred percent accurate opinion, is a far superior game.

Even the 1899 Cleveland Spiders, holders of the worst record in baseball history, won 20 games to their 134 losses.  Twenty times that year they could walk off the field with their heads held high, knowing that — just for a day — they were winners.  Likewise, the ’60s era New York Mets (before ’69), as terrible, as awful, as atrocious a team as they were, still won 30 percent of their games.  They were never completely void of victory; that tiny taste of winning perhaps propelled them towards their miraculous season of ’69.  And of course, who could forget the late-season heroics of the 2003 Detroit Tigers, who in the face of breaking the ’62 Mets’ record for most losses in a season, went on a torrid streak and won five out of their last six games to avoid ultimate infamy.

The key ingredient in all of these poor baseball teams’ legacies is the fact that despite how terrible they all were, they still won some of the time. 

But when your season is only sixteen games long the room for error shrinks; and in a game like football, you can forget all about mercy.

Hang in there, Mr. Krause.  Don’t cry.  Remember, the 1988 Baltimore Orioles started the season 0-21 and even though they finished as winners of 34% of their games, they still had a big fat zero for a considerable, oft uncomfortable amount of time.  Put in that perspective, 0-16 doesn’t seem all that bad, eh?  Besides, it could be worse, Al: Kyle Farnsworth could be your quarterback.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Please Excuse My Colleague’s Blind Ignorance; He’s a Michigander and Therefore Knows Not the Error of His Ways

kathy bates misery.jpgIndeed, Misery, thy name is Detroit.

Equally so, Ignorance, thy name is Mr. Allen Krause.

“…the fact is, neither of them [Albert Pujols, Dustin Pedroia] deserved the MVP for this year.”
       — Allen Krause, Misery, Thy Name is Detroit

Ordinarily, I prefer to eschew my impetus to pass judgment and/or speculate the grounds of one’s idiocy, but in this case, Mr. Krause, I’m afraid there is no explanation for your blasphemy other than to say you must be smoking the same stuff as our dear leader; and it’s certainly beginning to show.

Next you’ll be saying things like:

Or…

Or even worse:

Look, I and our dear readers all know that even though you reside in Washington, D.C., you’re still a Michigander at the core of your being and with that comes a certain inherited blind ignorance in the way of assessing athletic achievement.  And we all realize that, aside from your Hockeytown Redwings, you don’t have much to cheer about these days.  U of M looks like a pop-warner team.  The Tigers are the baseball equivalent of our nation’s financial mess.  The Lions are an absolute abomination, better fit for cleaning toilets in an Amtrak restroom than trying to execute the fundamentals of football.

But when you say that both Pujols and Pedroia were not rewarded for their efforts this season but rather for feats of the past, I have no choice but to postulate: what the $#%& is wrong with you?!?!

Pujols’ numbers were hands down the best of anyone this season.  He is always an MVP candidate for the simple fact that he is always getting better and always carrying his team.  He won the MVP in 2005.  He should’ve won in 2004.  This year, 2008, above any else, was certainly cause for him to win again because without Pujols in that lineup, the Cardinals would’ve probably been the 20 games under .500 team everyone thought they’d be at the start. 
   
In the case of Pedroia, his 2008 achievements were far better than his 2007 achievements.  He proved himself an invaluable leader throughout the season both with his bat and his glove, not to mention his guts and brawn.

So where the hell do you find it reasonable to compare these two paragons of baseball accomplishment to Denzel Washington and his role in Training Day, which, by the way, was also very well acted no matter what you think, Mr. Krause.

I’d suggest that you take this upcoming Thanksgiving holiday to give thanks that despite your inability to successfully formulate sensible arguments with actual information to back yo ^ss up you still have a cushy intellectual job that turns a blind eye to your inaccuracies, as grave as they are.

Oh yes, Al, you can hate me.   That’s fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Misery, Thy Name is Detroit

First of all, Mr. Lung, to answer one of your questions, no, I did not score a “perfect 100″ on my citizenship test. You know why? Because I was born here so I don’t have pass a citizenship test. What did you score on yours? Oh right. You didn’t have to take one either. Typical red state attempt to reframe a debate.

Now, I’d like to point out once again that I don’t wish to take anything away from Albert and Pedroia’s accomplishments. But, the fact is, neither of them deserved the MVP for this year. It’s like Denzel Washington winning the Oscar for Training Day. He’s a great actor but giving him the honor for inferior work doesn’t justify anything.

Honestly, it’s almost as bad as this ongoing sportsboy fascination with Erin Andrews. Sure, even I admit that she’s attractive when you place in her in the pantheon of female sideline reporters. But, when your competition is Suzy Kolber and Holly Rowe, how hard can it be?
Erin Andrews Phone.jpg
Thanks to Deadspin

However, despite our disagreement on all things EA and your obvious naivete when it comes to the postseason awards, there is one area where we agree and, although I hate to say it, where we also agree with Mitt Romney. Detroit is America’s Somalia, a failed-state. I mean, can you think of a more dysfunctional area? Not only is the auto industry teetering on the brink of total collapse, there’s really nothing else to cling onto. Well, maybe except guns and religion.

Look at the situation. The University of Michigan football team just succeeded in having the worst season in school history. The Lions have an excellent shot at ending 0-16 and making official what Lions fans have known for a long time: this really is one of the worst teams ever. And what more can I say about the Tigers that I haven’t already said. Farnsworth? No, Detroit and indeed the entire state of Michigan is just one big wasteland. But, I have an idea.

As more and more people start to realize that the Big 3 entering Chapter 11 bankruptcy and restructuring their enormous liabilities isn’t such a bad idea, maybe it’s time for some of the area’s sports teams to do the same. Would it really be so bad if Detroit gave up their NFL franchise to a place like LA and then started over from scratch? You can’t tell me there’s anyone on that team who’s really worth keeping around. And maybe the Tigers don’t need to declare bankruptcy but they’re starting to look as top-heavy as GM. Any student in Accounting 101 can tell you that too many libailities when paired up with too few assets makes for a really bad situation. And although U of M brought in new management, it doesn’t really work so well when that manager can’t adjust their style to fit the personnel they have on hand.

So, it’s about time for Detroit to do with it’s sports what it did to it’s equally cack-handed former mayor. Indict ‘em, convict ‘em and then clean ‘em up. That’s change I can believe in.

-A

Managing Expectations

Well, it seems that Republican presidential nominee and good friend of RSBS John McCain has finally settled on a strategy in this year’s campaign: Total disengagement. That’s right. No access, no answers and now, no debates. Obviously something must be worrying the McCain campaign. Perhaps it’s that sinking feeling they’re getting from the polls. Maybe it’s the gorge rising in the voters’ throats as they find out the truth about his second in command. But perhaps it’s something a little more simple. Maybe he realizes he made a terrible mistake when he asked for advice from this man:

http://embed.break.com/MjYwNTEz
(An RSBS hat-tip to BeatsandBombs.com)

No matter the reason, you might think that this level of incompetence is completely unprecedented. Well, it’s not. For instance, Isiah Thomas and his impressive dismantlement of both the CBA and the Knicks made this type of woeful incompetence seem ordinary. And don’t even get me started on former (Thank you, Jeebus!) Detroit Lions President and GM Matt Millen. However, skills like these are not just the domain of sports involving big leathery balls (politics included). No, it’s quite present in America’s favorite pastime, too.

If you follow RSBS, you know that Jeff has made several mentions of the current Cardinals management and their inept handling of contracts this year. One could argue that Tiger’s GM Dave Dombrowski’s signing of Dontrelle Willis and Kyle Farnsworth also ensconces him firmly in that camp. And Bud Selig’s handling of the steroid problem definitely won’t win him the Jack Welch Award for Excellence in Management. But when it comes to managerial ineptitude, there is only one man in baseball, past or present, who can lay claim to the title of “Least Competent.” Unfortunately, he’s also the one holding the keys to the car.

-A

Good Enough Just Ain’t Good Enough

unknown comic.jpgI am not a quitter.  Never have been.  In fact, I still smoke, I still stay up past midnight and I still believe the Cardinals have a shot at that last wild card spot.  Yes.  I believe.  I have faith (albeit very little).  This is why I was extremely disappointed to read Matthew Leach’s latest article, which basically says: our season is done, Cardinal fans… but hey, we weren’t supposed to be this good in the first place so everything’s cool. 

Not cool, Mr. Leach.  Definitely not cool.

And I am one of Mr. Leach’s biggest fans.  I read his blog; I read his news articles.  I actually read the guy’s book, so this is no blind sucker punch attack here.  To do in the Cardinals with two weeks remaining in a season already considered by many to be one of the most overachieving to date is not a great way to keep your fan base interested, or on your side.

Besides, baseball isn’t about just being good enough not to embarrass yourself.  Ask any Yankee fan how sick he/she feels right now knowing the team won’t make it to the post-season.  

Baseball is about grinding, going a hard nine 162 times a year in the cold, the rain, the sun and the heat and then the cold again. 

It’s about always giving your best by running out every ground ball, backing up the first baseman, meticulously spitting sunflower seed shells into a community bucket. 

Baseball is about never giving up no matter how far back, how far down, how far away.

Mr. Leach, we’re only four and half games out of the wild card and ahead of us are three teams that are each notorious for their streaky play.  We, as Cardinal fans, are not the despicable type who give up just because the future may look a tad dim.

In other words, we are not Allen Krause.  Mr. Krause gave up on his team a long time ago; he gave up on the University of Michigan football team before the season even started and after one game he gave up on his beloved Detroit Lions.

Again, Mr. Leach, let me reiterate: We are NOT Allen Krause and for taking on that ‘throw-in-the-towel’ attitude — despite the fact that I sincerely respect your work — I have no choice but to send you a great big RSBS Eat It! from all of us who care.

Following along the lines of ‘good enough just ain’t good enough’, let me also thank all our dear readers for putting RSBS higher up on the MLBlog totem pole.  Being ranked number two is certainly better than being ranked number five in total hits/popularity/readership; however, it would be irresponsible of me not to point out the simple fact that:

RSBS_Top10Fanblogs_9.12.08.jpgGo ahead.  You can hate me ‘cuz I’m pompous, you can hate me ‘cuz I’m beautiful, but please don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!

Peace,

Jeffy

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