Results tagged ‘ Elections ’

How to Win Super Tuesday

Take it from them!  Just take it

Forget your fickle fossil fuel subsidies, your position on amnesty for illegals, your corporate bailouts!  Forget them! 

Who cares for your stupid little war on drugs, your ignorant stimulus spending, your silly stem cell debate?  Who cares?!?!

If you want to win Super Tuesday, Mr. Politician, take off your shirt, ride a horse and go shoot a stinking tiger!

And if they try to stop you from winning?  There is only one thing left to do.

KEEEEEEEEEEEL them.

- – -

Of course, the above method may not translate well to the 2012 baseball season.  I have tried touting my team as the 2012 World Series Champions already.  But it’s not working.

Yet.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Buckner to Perry for the…

The way our brains work, we attempt to apply a narrative or causality to events, even after the fact, to justify what happened and why it happened.  We look for points where the momentum shifts and where all of a sudden something that was unthinkable becomes inevitable.

Baseball is full of these moments.  Of course Jeff will tell you all about game 6 of this year’s World Series and no one will ever stop talking about the Bartman play in Chicago or Buckner’s famous muff.  Teams didn’t win or lose on those plays but it changed the flow of the game and, in retrospect, we consider it to be the dramatic reversal in the narrative.

Politics follows a similar course.  In the 2008 Democratic primary, Hilary was inevitable but then Obama won Iowa and the narrative shifted.  Sure, the changes may be due more to organization or groundwork but we prefer the grand, sweeping narrative and we look for game-changing moments.

This week’s Republican debate in Michigan offered the new narrative of choice for the primary season: Perry’s final flub.  For a campaign that had already hit a rough patch (polling behind Herman Cain?  Seriously?), they needed a strong showing.  Here’s what they got:

Granted, the last time a Texas governor became president, serious doubts surrounded his mental capacity.  And some pundits even point out that Perry’s damage control may have helped humanize him for the voters.  But if Perry does end up losing the nomination as now seems likely, the narrative will state that this moment was what nailed shut the coffin.  That’s just how our brain’s work.  And how Perry’s didn’t.

-A

Making Sense out of Static

static.jpgEarly in the baseball season, it’s hard to separate the contenders and the pretenders.  Kansas City regularly sits somewhere near the top of the AL Central after the first couple weeks and sometimes even holds on through the first couple months.  Last year even the lowly Pirates looked decent for the first month or two.  Unfortunately for both teams, it’s a lot better to be in first place at the end of the season then at the beginning.

It’s not all the much different in the political world.  It’s pretty safe to assume that Obama will get the Democratic nod heading into the next Presidential election but the Republican field is wide open.  A prime example is Donald Trump’s “candidacy.”  This is a man who’s really only famous for being famous and who, despite his reality TV shows and real estate empire, still managed to go bankrupt.  Yet somehow he and a decent number of Republicans think he can steer the country through it’s current financial straits.  Let’s see what Donald actually looks like on the trail:

http://abcnews.go.com/assets/player/walt2.6/flash/SFP_Walt_2_65.swf

He may be on to something.  I’m sure the Gettysburg Address would have been much more memorable if Lincoln could have dropped a couple F-bombs in there.

Granted, there are also serious contenders.  Like him or not, Mitt Romney has the pedigree and the record to make a serious run.  Jon Hunstman looks a lot like the 2010 Giants or Rangers and everybody loves a dark horse.  When you figure in the Tea Party contingent and their sway in the primaries, there’s just no telling where the race will end up.

What is apparent at this point, though, is that with the economy apparently picking up jobs and OBL slowly disintegrating in the Indian Ocean, Obama is enjoying a momentary upswing.  If the economy continues to pick up, he might end up like the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, an inevitability if there ever was one.  After all, let’s face it.  The man is as cool as the day is long.  This performance at the Press Corps Dinner took place hours after he made the decision to take down Bin Laden and hours before the raid happened:

Admit it, if you were in the same position you would have been sitting in an empty room, rocking back and forth and staring at a blank wall.

It’s still early in the season.  There’s a lot of ball to be played.  But despite all the speculation and analysis, no one has any idea what’s going to happen.  Don’t worry, though.  You keep coming back this way and we’ll make sure you stay up to date.

-A

Three Up, Three Down

allen loves joe mauer.jpg
Just like Mr. Krause on a first date, this is gonna be quick, probably painful and
will most likely include more than one embarrassing revelation:

vote smart.jpgCHI-CITY POLITICKIN!

Today is election day here in the Chi.  Rahm.  Carol.  Chico.  Some other guy.  Those are your choices for mayor.  Oh… I mean, those are your Democratic party choices.  In this town, Republicans just hang out at the local deep dish joint and get fat, occasionally showing up to an event to slam a Democrat or two.  Such slams are rarely heard.  Like they say, if a tree falls…

And don’t worry.  When I showed up to vote this morning I didn’t let that pesky ghost of Ron Santo standing outside the polling center sway me.  And judging by the turnout (or lack thereof), I don’t think anyone else is voting him in either.

Some things never change… like…

MR. KRAUSE’S WAR!

So, will you or won’t you, dear readers?  Will you follow my jaded and oft lugubrious colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, to the trenches of a baseball-less existence… all to stick it to a guy (assuming Bud Selig does have proper male anatomy) who doesn’t care, who isn’t listening, who won’t get it anyway?  Are you really ready to stay home and watch Maury all day instead of batting practice?  Are you prepared to sulk in the reality that is a soulless sports sanctuary that includes *cough* the NBA and NHL?  You do know that this has nothing to do with forcing change (why bring it up just now after all these years?) and everything to do with misery loves company, right?

It’s true dear readers… and it’s all the fault of…

allen loves the tigers.jpgDRINKY MIGGY!

Who else is to blame for Mr. Krause’s sudden bout of revolutionary activism?  Why it can only be his beloved man-crush Miguel Cabrera, of course!  With Miggy’s er… uh… “issues” causing alarm throughout the Tigers organization, Mr. Krause knows that his team’s season could be well over before it even starts.  And that is why he is rushing to react, to draw in troops, to overthrow the baseball world so we all lose sight of Detroit slipping below Kansas City in the win column.

Believe it.  Or don’t.  Just don’t say you weren’t warned by someone in the know.

And… don’t hate me.  ‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Bring Out Yer Dead

bring-out-your-dead.jpg
Okay.  The hangover is over now.

I think.

I mean, a lot has happened in the last week or so to warrant plenty of no-limit megafortified soused out partying — the kind of partying Mr. Krause and I used to do back in our… well, yesterday. 

But not even our dynamic duo could match the celebratory merits of the state of California in recent days.  Let’s review the highlights:

jenny oropeza.JPEGThe Giants won the World Series.  Lindsay Lohan hasn’t been re-arrested (yet).  And Jenny Oropeza was elected state senator.

All sounds good, right?

Except that Jenny Oropeza is dead.

Was dead.

On election day!

But if California despises anything it’s gotta be the GOP.  And who can blame them?  Ronald Reagan, what have you done for me lately? Huh?

Exactly.

The Republicans may have hoodwinked the imbecilic US American consensus with their unparalleled fear-based badgering and faux middle class talking points, but the late Jenny Oropeza’s state senate victory is proof that their diabolic plan is far, far, far from being a reality.

Hate me ‘cuz it hasn’t been banned yet, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

‘Merica, This Is Your Country Calling

tea bagging for jesus.jpgAnd it is up to you to answer.

Because while we congratulate the San Francisco Giants and crown them as World Champions of Baseball, your country remains in dire need of your attention, your intelligence, your action!

While I have long subscribed to the “when in doubt, go left” theory of politics, I realize that now — during a time when most people seem to be more angry, more cynical, more in doubt about any and everything than ever before — that such a theory may seem just as blind and just as stupid as the uninformed bible-bearin’ masses who inject fear and hate and intolerance into every single conversation.

But don’t be fooled.

It ain’t.

The Tea Party might be the scariest thing on the planet since… since Sarah Palin came within six percentage points of being that proverbial heartbeat away from the most powerful position in the world.

We just barely avoided that catastrophe.  Let’s not get that close again.

So go out.  Do your duty.  Be that baseball and apple pie lovin’ US American

Just see to it that ya do the right thing.

masturbate and vote.jpg
And remember, this is ‘Merica.  You can hate me.  It’s a free country.

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(second image via 9GAG)

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 67 other followers