Results tagged ‘ Erin Andrews ’

Misery, Thy Name is Detroit

First of all, Mr. Lung, to answer one of your questions, no, I did not score a “perfect 100″ on my citizenship test. You know why? Because I was born here so I don’t have pass a citizenship test. What did you score on yours? Oh right. You didn’t have to take one either. Typical red state attempt to reframe a debate.

Now, I’d like to point out once again that I don’t wish to take anything away from Albert and Pedroia’s accomplishments. But, the fact is, neither of them deserved the MVP for this year. It’s like Denzel Washington winning the Oscar for Training Day. He’s a great actor but giving him the honor for inferior work doesn’t justify anything.

Honestly, it’s almost as bad as this ongoing sportsboy fascination with Erin Andrews. Sure, even I admit that she’s attractive when you place in her in the pantheon of female sideline reporters. But, when your competition is Suzy Kolber and Holly Rowe, how hard can it be?
Erin Andrews Phone.jpg
Thanks to Deadspin

However, despite our disagreement on all things EA and your obvious naivete when it comes to the postseason awards, there is one area where we agree and, although I hate to say it, where we also agree with Mitt Romney. Detroit is America’s Somalia, a failed-state. I mean, can you think of a more dysfunctional area? Not only is the auto industry teetering on the brink of total collapse, there’s really nothing else to cling onto. Well, maybe except guns and religion.

Look at the situation. The University of Michigan football team just succeeded in having the worst season in school history. The Lions have an excellent shot at ending 0-16 and making official what Lions fans have known for a long time: this really is one of the worst teams ever. And what more can I say about the Tigers that I haven’t already said. Farnsworth? No, Detroit and indeed the entire state of Michigan is just one big wasteland. But, I have an idea.

As more and more people start to realize that the Big 3 entering Chapter 11 bankruptcy and restructuring their enormous liabilities isn’t such a bad idea, maybe it’s time for some of the area’s sports teams to do the same. Would it really be so bad if Detroit gave up their NFL franchise to a place like LA and then started over from scratch? You can’t tell me there’s anyone on that team who’s really worth keeping around. And maybe the Tigers don’t need to declare bankruptcy but they’re starting to look as top-heavy as GM. Any student in Accounting 101 can tell you that too many libailities when paired up with too few assets makes for a really bad situation. And although U of M brought in new management, it doesn’t really work so well when that manager can’t adjust their style to fit the personnel they have on hand.

So, it’s about time for Detroit to do with it’s sports what it did to it’s equally cack-handed former mayor. Indict ‘em, convict ‘em and then clean ‘em up. That’s change I can believe in.

-A

Not Quite a League of Her Own, But Progress Nonetheless

eri yoshida.jpg

Sixteen-year-old Eri Yoshida, a knuckleball throwin’ femme phenom, recently became the first woman ever drafted in the Japanese Professional Baseball League — which would most probably make her the first professional female baseball player in an all-male league (I think; our staff is working on this one).

Eri, a studious highschooler with a keen eye for Red Sox geriatric Tim Wakefield and his trademark knuckleballing mechanics, has proven herself quite the asset amongst her male counterparts and thus looks forward to breaking in as a rookie with the Kobe 9 Cruise this spring.

In lieu of these developments, we at RSBS (namely Me) would like to take a moment to congratulate Eri Yoshida on her groundbreaking achievement by memorializing the trailblazing feats of women sports icons both past and present because… well, because we can and we should.

And we will.

Helene Robison Britton

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Inheriting the St. Louis Cardinals from her uncle, Stanley Robison, in 1911, Ms. Britton broke ground as the first woman in the history of the world to own a Major League Baseball club.  During her six year reign at the top of the Cardinals organization, the team managed an average winning percentage of .441, a number which — in a round about world — popped up again in 2008 as the batting average for hitters facing the Cardinals bullpen. 

Hillary Clinton

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Okay, so she’s not much of an athlete, but she sure knows how to piss a lot of people off with her baseball-related antics.  Sen. Clinton’s meandering baseball allegiances have long been the seed of the People’s frustration.  America may not see in just black and white anymore, but we die-hard baseball fans tend to be staunch conservatives when it comes to flagrantly waving about one’s fan preference.  Don’t get me wrong: I sincerely respect Senator Clinton.  She had a great run and she would’ve gotten my vote if the desire for change in Washington wasn’t burning so strong in my heart.  I voted for that change.  And how am I (and all US Americans) being rewarded?  By seeing the same old Washington insiders posted in the highest offices under the President.

Excuse me while I go stab myself.

Erin Andrews

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Super hot woman who knows more about sports than I do?  Not much else to say.

Sarah Palin

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Now that the dust has somewhat settled, let me commend Gov. Palin on being the laughingstock of modern politics.  Not quite the Dan Quayle Potato-Head, still, she provided plenty a laugh throughout the campaign.  She’s worthy of commendation because she stuck it out and never got too rattled (unless you count that Katie Couric interview, SNL, et al).  As an avid hunter, basketball player and all around “hot mamma”, I bet she’d be a pretty sturdy fireballer on the mound late in a game.  The Cardinals need some bullpen help.  I’m just sayin’…

Allison Stokke

Allison.Stokke.jpg

*Drool… drool… drool… 

What?  She didn’t make the Olympics?  She doesn’t play baseball?  Do I even care?

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

“Real” Americans Choose Sides

The World Series begins tonight but not without a little controversy. Apparently Barack Obama has broken the cardinal rule of sports fans everywhere and come out in support of both the Phillies and the Rays. It would seem that Mr. Obama doesn’t understand “real” Americans or espouse the values of main street Wasilla, Alaska.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/sitewide/video_player/view/default/swf.jhtml

Now as a baseball fan and someone who will be watching the World Series despite the fact that I don’t have a team in the game, I can understand Sen. Obama’s divided sentiments. Ultimately, he said he’ll be cheering for the Phillies because his campaign manager is a Phillies’ fan. If the Cardinals were in the Series against anyone but the Tigers, I’d probably cheer for them too, because I (occasionally) support my friend.

See, when your team isn’t playing, you’re allowed to cheer for whomever. There’s a big difference between Obama attending a rally with some players from the Rays and Bill Richardson saying he likes both the Red Sox and the Yankees. Or Hillary Clinton claiming to be a simultaneous Yankees and Cubs fan. Those things don’t make sense. But I really couldn’t tell you who I’m rooting for in the Series. Both teams are compelling but neither one controls any of my loyalty. I wouldn’t mind seeing the Rays win because they’re young and exciting and they took out the Yankees this season. But, the Phillies are young (with the exception of Jamie Moyer) and exciting, too, and I already predicted that they would win.

So, perhaps we should all just settle down and enjoy what could be some really good baseball. Perhaps it would be a little more compelling if Mr. McCain’s Diamondbacks were taking on Mr. Obama’s White Sox. I’m sure that we here at RSBS would be at Defcon 3 if we had scored a rematch of the 2006 Series. And we all know how much Mr. Lung wishes that Erin Andrews was frollicking about the dugouts. But instead we’ll be starting off this evening at Tropicana Field in an area better known for spring training. However, if that’s not “real” America then what is?

-A

(Don’t) Try THIS at Home!!!

HPIM1668.jpgDear readers, it’s Wednesday and thank the baseball gods I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.  As many of you know, my longtime chum/colleague/nemesis, the Mr. Allen Krause, had the good fortune of spending this past weekend visiting with me here on the Southside of Chicago.  Besides force-feeding him Chicago-style deep-dish pizza, Ann Sathers cinnamon rolls and a steady diet of “go *BLEEP yourself!” expletives, we did manage to reconnect with our younger, more astute college-selves — and by that I mean: we got drunk.

Well, let me just say that it was nothing like before.  No.  Indeed, at a fresh-looking 29 years of age, neither one of us are really apt to handle the physiological hell we used to put ourselves through.  In retrospect, it’s hard to imagine we’re even still alive.  Back in those days, we would party late nights Tuesday through Sunday (Monday was reserved for Monday Night Football and thus rest was required), found time to perform street circus acts and then actually managed to get straight A’s through our respectively rigorous class schedules.

Obviously, those days are long gone.  Still, it’s fun to think about how nimble we once were and in honor of that and tonight’s super-duper lineup of presidential debate politics and National League Championship Series baseball, we at RSBS would like to provide a provocative, playful drinking game for those of you dear readers who are responsible adults over the age of 21 (fake IDs don’t count in the blogosphere either).

It’s simple.  Get yourself a sixer of Old Style or a bottle of Jack or Costco sized container of mouthwash — whatever your preferred poison may be — and every time one of the following occurs, take a drink.  Trust us, between flipping back and forth between the game and the debate and adhering to these rules, you won’t care what the outcome of either actually is… and sometimes, that’s all you really want.

So, every time…

Joe Torre Makes a Face that Says “I Have Indigestion”
Take a drink.

Every time…

John McCain Looks at the Camera and Calls You “My Friend”…
Take a drink.

Every time…

Tim McCarver Over-analyzes a Play, a Player, an Entire Race of People…
Take a drink.

Every time…

John McCain Falsely Accuses Barack Obama of Wanting to Raise Your Taxes…
Take a drink.

Every time…

You Start to Think that RSBS‘ Very Own Allen Krause Looks a lot like a Younger, Less Cool Version of Joe Maddon…
Take a drink.
joe maddon.jpgAllen Krause.jpg

Every time…

The Two Candidates Fail to Answer the Question that was Asked and instead Filibuster their Talking Points…
Take a drink. (are you still with me?)

Every time…

You Wish and Pray that the Elegantly Exquisite and Ever Erudite Erin Andrews was Fox’s Sideline Reporter…
Take a drink. (fyi: this one alone would put me in the hospital)

Every time…

John McCain Refers to Barack Obama as Anything Except His Actual Name (ie That One, The Senator, Dingleberry)…
Take a drink.

Every time…

Shane Victorino Does Something Magical…
Take a drink.

And lastly… if you’re still able to count to three…

Every time…

You Look at Obama and just See a Black Man…
Take a drink.  No, take ten drinks.  And shame on you.

Please drink responsibly.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Vainly Yours

As we watch our hard earned US American dollars turn to cents and our favorite college football teams humiliate themselves to no end, I am happy to say that at least I have the dulcet sounds of Carrie Underwood playing in the background and one of my best friends visiting me for the weekend.  Yes, dear readers: Mr. Krause is in the building.

In light of this perfect storm, we humbly beg your forgiveness while we detour from our usual minutiae ridden rants and tirades.

Instead we want to remind you of what really matters:

Don’t hate us ‘cuz we’re right.

Vainly yours,

Jeffy and A

Dramatic and Devastating

Did I forget to say “Happy Autumn” last week? If I did, I truly apologize. I guess I figured that most RSBS readers had already figured out the change of season. It’s usually pretty evident from the bite in the air, the start of the football season and the Mets’ annual late-season choke.

And it’s even better this year with the Yankees relegated to the sidelines. In fact, except for some minor concerns (the credit crisis and imminent depression, Michigan’s loss to Notre Dame), things couldn’t be much better right now.

But I can’t just leave it at that. That’s not how I roll. No, just like my buddy John McCain, I need to make a “dramatic and devastating” statement.
http://www.comedycentral.com/sitewide/video_player/view/default/swf.jhtml
And here it is: I will not write any more mean things about either the Republican Presidential nominee or the Republican Vice Presidential nominee. Like my mother always told me, if you can’t say anything nice, just don’t say anything at all.

Instead, it’s only going to be important, sports-based commentary as we shift our focus towards the ongoing playoff races. For instance, have you been watching those Mets, Phillies  and Brewers as they battle for the NL wild card? Or how about the dogfight between the White Sox and Twins in the AL Central? And what about that USC-Oregon State shocker Thursday night? And…uh, well, and…

….I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. I mean, have you seen this:

This is Bill Buckner-esque. I have very low expectations when it comes to our elected officials but at this point I think I’d rather have Harry Caray as VP. I’d rather have Joe Buck. Hell, I’d rather have Erin Andrews and you all know my views on her.

You know what’s beautiful, though? Even though we have no control over the playoff races and what happens to our teams, we do have a say in who gets elected in November. And that’s why I want to take this opportunity to urge any RSBS readers out there who aren’t already registered to make sure they do it soon. If you aren’t or you just aren’t sure, here’s a great site that will help you either figure out where you are registered or take you through the process for the first time. It doesn’t matter if you “Rock the vote” or “Vote or die.” What matters is that you vote.

-A

Speaking of Losers…

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for loser.jpgJust when I thought the Chicago Cubs had genuinely forgotten how to lose this season they surprised me and went on a well-deserved five-game losing streak.  For the last several days, seeing them falter to the festering Phils and resurgent Astros, I have been reminded that indeed: they are still the Cubs.  And losing Carlos Zambrano for a stretch due to rotator cuff tendinitis sure won’t help their case to win the Central.

Now, am I willing to go there and say there’s a chance they could continue on this hapless streak, not win the Central and miss the playoffs entirely?  Not on your life, dear reader.  I’d like to have the guile to say that, but I’m just not that dumb.  I’ve been watching this team destroy my worldview all year long and I don’t expect them to stop until they reach the playoffs. 

Just set your clocks for them losing in the first round.

Thumbnail image for Thumbnail image for kwame kilpatrick.jpgAnd since we’re on the topic of losers, let me add to the list that my not-exactly-humble colleague, Allen Krause, so graciously offered

As a head-in-the-sand Tiger fan, I’m sure Mr. Krause will appreciate the losership of one Detroit ex-Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick and his likely fall from power.  Now I have bashed Kwame for his idiocy in the past, but I must admit how impressed I am that he was able to get those charges (perjury, assault, etc) dropped to just a couple counts of obstruction of justice.  I guess when you’re that big and that scary looking you can get away with being an ^sshole — just ask Roger Clemens.

Or ask his former team, the New York Yankees, who are vying for the top spot in disappointing loserdom this season.  While the curtain hasn’t made its final descent on the Yankee stage, you can be sure that the damn thing is on fire and burning into oblivion, as are the hopes and dreams of a Yankee post-season appearance.  The Prince of New York has done them in — read article — and so have I. 

There.  I just did it. 

Did you see that?

carlos quentin.jpgNo?  Okay, well, did you see that White Sox sensation Carlos Quentin is out with a wrist injury for an undetermined amount of time?  If you’re a Sox fan, this is not good news and you should be invoking the baseball gods for Ken Griffey, Jr. to return back to his 1997 form right now.  Give up your first born… eat a cat… whatever, you gotta do something.  And let me tell ya, the worst amount of time to be out of the lineup is an ‘undetermined amount of time.’  I had a girl tell me that she wanted to see other people for an ‘undetermined amount of time’ and that didn’t go so well.

But let me tell you about the loser in Jordan — yes, that’s right, the country: The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan –  who did a Yahoo! search for:


“what outlandish mean you are red white and blue”

…and was lucky enough to find the RSBS blog as the first site to pop up.

Gee, that guy was probably all excited to find some US Americans to hate on but instead what he found was a plethora of ingenious posts written by two well-spoken, edumacated MLBloggers with the propensity to post pictures of pretty, powerful, secular women whom would never be invited to serve as one of the seventy-two virgins.

Ouch.  Don’t hate me on that one ‘cuz you know I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

Why Must the Cardinals Make My Life Miserable?

I can’t eat.

I can’t sleep.

I can’t find a date.

Thank you, St. Louis Cardinals.

kyle_lohse.jpgI went to bed last night thinking: So we blew it.  So what.  Tomorrow will be fine.  Lohse is on the mound.  We’ll be fine.  Really.  It’s all good.  The man is Lazarus.

And he was — just fine, raised from the dead and all — until he was left in a little too long and he started to show weakness: a crumbling arm.  And Tony, with little else to fall back on, because Mozeliak won’t make a deal for some relief, left him in.

And all hell broke loose.

I, as a St. Louis Cardinal fan and devoted US American, refuse to accept this surface steaming idealogical concept that we can survive on our own, without making a deal.  We’re up against the free-spending Cubs and Brewers!  Get your act together, Mr. Mozeliak!  You’re looking a lot like sit-on-my-^ss-while-I-read-a-story-book-GW Bush during the greatest tragedy of our time!

a-rod smirk.jpgI wrote an editorial on my dissatisfaction with the Cardinals’ front office and submitted it to the New York Times; however, they rejected it on the basis that it wasn’t controversial enough — not enough T&A — and it had nothing to do with the Yankees, the Mets, A-Rod nor Madonna.

So much for being the world leader in print news, New York Times.  For that I offer you a great big RSBS “EAT IT!”

And no, you may not hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

The Elegantly Exquisite and Ever Erudite Erin Andrews: A True RSBS All-Star

erin andrews 3.jpgVerily!  Since its inception, Red State Blue State has been forum to many a heated debate.  From the heresies righted by yours truly against my opponent, Mr. Krause, on issues concerning the Designated Hitter, hitting .400, Jack Morris’ deservedness of Hall of Fame entry, the Catch, corpulence among baseball’s elite and much, much more, RSBS has truly become the place to explore the enigmatic themes of the grandest game on earth. 

erin andrews 2.jpgThis being said, so far no debate has been more staunch in its lopsidedness, more steadfast in its teeterings toward me, more defended by myriad dear readers than that regarding the absolute hotness of one Erin Andrews — sexiest sportscaster alive.  While Mr. Krause’s blind sensibilities regarding what makes a woman indelibly beautiful were paramount to his barrage of misjudgments and errant lack of critical thinking skills, I — and the RSBS public — will still probably never be able to forgive him for his blasphemy nor forget the stain that he put on this otherwise delightfully informative weblog.

So having sated my need to defend Ms. Andrews one more time against the tyranny known as Allen Krause’s opinion, it is with great pleasure that I once again reflect, recognize and deem her the 2008 RSBS All-Star of the first half.  My mere attraction to Ms. Andrews is testament to her universal hotness, for she isn’t even my type.  She’s tall, she’s blonde, she has a mannish voice and she may very well know more about sports than I do.

erin andrews.jpgBut she’s Erin.  She’s Erin Andrews — the Aphrodite of sportscasting, the Venus of sideline reporting, the spark in my plug.  She’s hot.  She’s sexy.  She’s hip.

And there is absolutely no way around it.

So don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right… especially you, Al.

Peace,

Jeffy

 

Sleep Aid

Dear readers, these are the things that keep me up at night:

  • The St. Louis Cardinals
  • Erin Andrews (click *here* to see why — Yum!)
  • The destruction of our environment (click *here* to join me in my mission)
  • Wal-Marts, Super Wal-Marts, and Super Wal-Marts Beijing Style
  • Erin Andrews in a sexy bathing suit
  • Flashbacks of the Malarchuk injury
  • Jesse Jackson getting his n***s cut off — ooh, did I say that? Whoops. Hot mic! Hot mic!
  • Bill O’Reilly
  • Erin Andrews in a sexy bathing suit making out with Lucy Liu who just so happens to be wearing a leather body suit while wielding a whip
  • White people

With all of these sensitive and sensitive subjects on my mind, I was grateful that my memory recounted a comment that was posted here at RSBS several months ago:

“When I need a nap, I usually tune in to a Sox broadcast. Hawk and DJ
work better than a handful of ambien and a bottle of Jack. Their actual
commentary goes beyond irritating, yet their vocal tones could induce a
coma.”


Now it’s no secret that I follow the Sox very closely.  And I have admitted here before that at times, even I, Fulbright Scholar that I am, find Ken “the Hawk” Harrelson and Darrin “DJ” Jackson’s over-the-top homerisms amusing; but if I really want to enjoy the game from start to finish, I turn on the radio and let Ed Farmer and Steve Stone call a sound game. 

But it has been a long week, folks.  Still recovering from myriad things I can’t remember from the 4th of July weekend and endlessly troubled by the aforementioned list of sleep-stoppers, I decided to take waltcproductions’ advice and turned the sound up on the television. 

The Sox were in Kansas City to face the Royals.  Buehrle v. Greinke.  Potential for a pitcher’s duel.  It was… though I wouldn’t have known it.

I nestled into my couch without a beer in my hand — shockingly, for the first time this month — and made sure I was comfortable enough to accept sleep if it so decided to fall upon my eyes.  It did.  I remember my lids getting heavy around the bottom of the second; Hawk and DJ were — surprise! — rehashing the ‘old days’ by talking about their .239 and .257 career batting averages, respectively.  I remember thinking, ‘Gee, I’ve heard them say that before… about a thousand times…’

…but I was already long lost in a blissful land of somniferous slumber.

I woke up in the bottom half of the 8th to the roaring crowd of 29 people at Kauffman Stadium cheering on their Royals who had suddenly taken a lead, which inspired Hawk to grunt one of his trademark utterances: “Doggone it!”

Immediately, I hit ‘mute’, turned on the radio and listened to Stoney explain how a Konerko error combined with a less than Dotel outing for Octavio Dotel turned a brilliant Buehrle performance into a loss for the Sox

hawk_and_dj.jpgLovely.

At least I got some sleep.

You can hate Hawk and DJ, but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeffy

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