Results tagged ‘ Evil Empire ’
The way the balls were jumping out of The Joan today, one might have thought that the Chicago Air Show started a day early. That wasn’t the case. No. Those were homeruns flying out of the ballpark, not F-14s, and at least four of them flew out in a row: back-to-back-to-back-to-back.
When you say that out loud, it sounds like a bad rap song.
And it got me thinking…
Rarely do things as delightful as homeruns occur four times in a row (especially in the post-PED era) … so when they do, it surely is magical. What else would I like to see back-to-back-to-back-to-back?
Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Saves by the St. Louis Cardinals Bullpen:
Because of the rarity of this now-merely-theoretical possibility, I am beginning to think that the 2008 Cardinals are looking more and more like the 2007 Cardinals. And folks, let me tell ya, that ain’t a good thing.
Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Republican Sex Scandals:
Foot tappin’ in an airport bathroom stall, meth dealin’ gigolos, married northeastern governors who just happen to dig guys more than their wives… keep ’em comin’!
Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back French Male Olympians Crying After Competition:
Why? Because the only thing better than watching a Frenchman cry is watching four Frenchmen cry — in a row. “Zee wemen… zay sink zee cry-eeng… eez sexy.” Ah, the French are such easy targets sometimes.
Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back World Series Titles for a Team NOT Named the Yankees:
It could happen. No. Seriously. It could. Okay… no. You’re right.
Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Presidential Terms for the Democratic Party:
FDR did it — by himself — and he was awesome. I’m not saying let’s rewrite the Constitution. I’m just saying we could use a good twelve to sixteen years to get some s*** done — for real.
Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back RSBS Posts Where Allen Krause Doesn’t Offend a Great Number of People:
Look, in this case, I agree with you, Mr. Krause; but somebody has to stop those Christians from firebombing my house! Enough already!
Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Evenings Where I DON’T Receive a Soliciting Phone Call from the Number 800-450-9135:
I signed up for one non-profit organization that stands for making the earth a little bit better place and now, every day, non-stop, I get anonymous phone calls from this number asking me to donate to (insert random charity name here). No. I’m through giving my money away. Why do you think I’m still single?
Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back Pow-Wow Sessions with the Staff of Arizona via Slough:
I realize that I’m starting to sound like a real perv here, but trust me: I’m not. I’m interested in his staff because they are smart problem-solvers with real world experience and decorated graduate degrees. That’s it. That’s the only reason. Oh — and they know how to order Chinese food properly as well. Very important.
I leave the last one up to you, dear reader. Leave us with your back-to-back-to-back-to-back dream and we’ll see what we can do to make it come true.
I promise. It won’t include rhyming.
You can hate me ‘cuz I’m a dork… but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
“Don’t give up, don’t ever give up.”
— Jim Valvano (1946 -1993)
Jimmy V is rolling in his grave.
On Thursday, in what became a Red State Blue State first, my once respected colleague and amicable opponent Allen Krause, officially gave up on his beloved Detroit Tigers. Though they’re only 7.5 games back of the first place White Sox, Mr. Krause could not help but revert back to his status quo of negativity, sighting that the Tigers’ outlandish payroll and futile mediocrity was just too much — an endeavor he hadn’t the heart nor the patience to endure. It caused shockwaves throughout baseball, causing these guys to say:
Congratulations, Mr. Krause, on joining the dishonorable ranks of fellow traitors Judas, Benedict Arnold and Jim Edmonds.
Honestly, this really shouldn’t be all that surprising to me; but in an odd sort of way, it is. We are US Americans. US Americans don’t give up. We never give up.
When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, did we sulk and cry and feel sorry for ourselves?
Down three games to none in the 2004 ALCS, did the Boston Red Sox give up against the Evil Empire simply because the odds against them winning were next to none?
And what about the spirit of US Americans after 9/11, the Bush administration, a flailing economy, tarnished foreign policies and an ill-conceived war of shadow chasing? Did we all just throw our hands up in the air and ‘throw in the towel’?
When one loses hope — when he loses his identity, his affiliation for that which brings him joy — when he loses his propensity for positivism and forces his bleak outlook on the world using the headline Keep Ya Head Up, we — those who remain steadfast in our patriotic alliances to all things good — have no choice but to denounce and reject both the negativity monger and his infectious ideas.
You fooled me, Mr. Krause. You had me thinking you were with the Tigers all the way — unconditionally. Yes, you fooled me. You know, they have an old saying in Tennessee…
For future reference, Mr. Krause, if you’re gonna bail on your team, do us all a favor and please refrain from disgracing the hip-hop legend that is Tupac. He doesn’t deserve to be associated with your hapless despondency.
Because of you, he’s probably rolling around in his grave too. And by “grave” I do mean the champagne room in the back of a Las Vegas hot spot.
Oh yeah, he’ll be back.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
It’s strangely fitting that the Yankees and Mets are both in Chicago at the same time because it leads me to a subject near and dear to my heart. And that is my distaste for both New York sporting organizations as well as those of the Second City. Now, NYC is easy to dislike, especially since cheering for the Yankees is like cheering for Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. And the Mets, those once lovable losers, have now become the “it” team in the NL with their gaudy payroll and Johan Santana.
I once found a place in my heart for the Windy City but I have since realized that the inferiority complex worn proudly on the sleeve of all of its denizens is the ultimate turnoff. Yeah, Chicago is fun to visit and has some great history but ultimately, cheering for that town is like cheering for Kevin McAllister in the Home Alone movies. At first you like to see the little kid giving it to the bad guys but in the end you just wish he’d shut up so you didn’t have to hear that whiny, nasally voice. I mean, I still remember native Chicagoans talking on September 12, 2001, about how another plane was headed for the Sears Tower but had turned away. Seriously. What kind of a town has such an inferiority complex that they wish an attack on themselves?
So, I find myself in a bit of a pickle. Who would I cheer for in these two series? On the one hand, I can’t cheer for the Evil Empire, senior or junior. But, how do I cheer for the Tigers’ division rival or the team that singlehandedly defines everything that is wrong with Chicago?
Luckily, the baseball season moves quickly and the Mets have already moved on to our nation’s capitol where they do battle with the mighty Nationals. And I no longer have to deal with any sort of moral quandary. Now I can just go back to wondering how it all went so wrong for the Tigers.
The buzz during opening week revolved around the Tigers’ abysmal start, the Royals’ surprising young talent, the late inning heroics of the Nationals and Pirates and Dodgers, clutch pitching performances in St. Louis and Cincinnati, key injuries in the NL East and business as usual in the AL East. With these early season surprises and subsequent hype, which MLB division is the strongest, most competitive, must-watch division overall this year?
Well, since I’ve been so busy watching American Idol and trying to save the world, I haven’t had much of a chance to follow all these story lines. And honestly, who cares about the National League? Small ball and pitchers who bat? Sounds like gay porn to me. So, I guess I’ll talk about the only thing I might know something about. No, not US foreign policy since the time of Jefferson. The AL Central.
I will say it now and I will continue to say it all year long. The AL Central is the division to watch this season. The Tigers, once they figure out how to win a game, are going to be unstoppable. The Tribe is ready to go once again. The White Sox are a much improved team since last year. The Twins always find a way to keep themselves in the race. And even KC is looking like they might have a better run in the spoiler role. So, once you take a look around the MLB universe and realize how many bad teams there are in the other divisions, you have to be excited about the AL Central. There isn’t a true dud in the bunch and this thing could be a legitimate 4 team race right down to the wire.
I should put in a plug here for my dislike of the AL East and my hope that all of its teams fall off the face of the earth. Well, Toronto can stick around because I’d hate to disparage our Canadian friends. And I’d like to catch a game at Camden this season so I guess the O’s are safe, too. However, the Rays, Red Stockings and Evil Empire can all just disappear and the world would be a better place. This is a division so narcissistic that a news frenzy has emerged from the hawk attack on Alexa Rodriguez at Fenway this past week. Really? The enmity between these two teams is so great that even the animal kingdom has picked sides? Perhaps this also explains why a ray attacked and killed Steve Irwin last year. It was just pissed because it thought he was a Yankees fan. Seriously, y’all need to get over yourselves. Real baseball happens in the fly-over states and that’s where my attention will be all season long. When I’m not out saving the world, of course.